


Hiding Things Is All Too Easy - Until It Isn't

by audhds



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Also some fluff, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety Attacks, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Begging, Blow Jobs, Body Horror, Body Modification, Bottom Tony Stark, Bucky abuses Tony, Bucky is a manipulative little shit, Bucky is not a nice guy, But he has no self-esteem, Claustrophobia, Crying, Delusional Bucky, Depressed Steve, Drugged Sex, Erectile Dysfunction, Evil Bucky Barnes, Fever, Forced Orgasm, Graphic Description, Handcuffs, Heavy BDSM, Humiliation, Hurt Steve, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, I'm Sorry, Kidnapped Tony Stark, Kidnapping, M/M, Men Crying, More panic, My Boys Need Therapy, Non-Consensual Blow Jobs, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Non-Consensual Bondage, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Non-Consensual Tattooing, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Orgasm, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Poor Tony Really Needs A Break, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Restraints, SOMEONE GIVE MY BOYS A FUCKING HUG, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexual Dysfunction, Shaving, Sick Tony, Sick Tony Stark, Steve Just Wants Things To Go Back To How They Were, Steve Realised How Much He Screwed Up, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve doesn't realise why his boyfriend is falling apart, Suicidal Steve, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal tony, Suicide Attempt, Tattoos, This is dark but I will fix Tony I promise, This is not a happy fic - but I will fix it in the end, Tony Angst, Tony Does Not Deserve This, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony doesn't deserve this, Tony is too good at hiding and locking away his emotions, Tony-centric, Verbal Humiliation, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-09-30 17:34:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 100,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10168187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audhds/pseuds/audhds
Summary: Tony hasn't been the same since Bucky arrived at Stark Tower. That much is obvious. But Steve is overjoyed to have his best friend back and is somewhat oblivious to how Tony is withdrawing away from him. Because surely Tony is just overworked as usual. He must be quiet and jumpy because he is sleep deprived. And of course he has a few cuts and bruises on the visible parts of his skin - he fights and works for the Avengers as a living. It's part of the job description. Until it isn't.Will Steve discover the physical and mental trauma that Tony is going through before it is too late?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> So I'm pretty excited for this fic! It is my second in the Marvel Universe and I am really, really enjoying writing it. In fact this is probably my favourite thing that I have written, so I hope you like it! 
> 
> Please be very careful of the tags, as Tony is abused in this fic, physically at first and later in the fic, sexually. Please, please do not read this if it will be triggering to you! I think I have tagged everything applicable but please be careful anyway!
> 
> I have a few chapters of this written now, so posts should be every three days!
> 
> Enjoy xxx

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe Antony Edward Stark. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist. Arrogant. Cocky. Stubborn, Sociopathic. Brazen. Toxic. Impulsive. Murderer. Destructive. Selfish. Sociopathic. Merchant of Death.

Well, those are the words that you would use to describe Tony if you didn’t really know him. Steve, on the other hand, had an entirely different set of descriptive words reserved for his lover, most of which were entirely positive. Although he would admit that his boyfriend could be a jerk sometimes – especially when left his dirty boxers on the floor, or pressed his icy cold feet against Steve’s warm legs in bed, sapping the heat from his super-soldier lover.

Steve and Tony had been together for just over a year now and the soldier couldn’t remember a time that he had been happier, even before the ice. Tony was one of the most compassionate people Steve had ever met and although at first you would probably see him as an asshole, or one of the aforementioned phrases, he really wasn’t. Tony had a heart of gold, was loyal as fuck and would never, ever let you down. He’d rather die. Proven by the fact that on multiple occasions he had nearly done so for Steve’s sake. He had a tendency to throw himself in front of things threatening Steve, despite the fact that Steve repeatedly told him that this was a) idiotic, b) suicidal and c) unnecessary because the serum running through his veins made him less vulnerable to attacks than Tony was.

Tony never listened.

Of course.

And Steve wasn’t going to lie, things weren’t perfect. They had fights, which often ended with Tony locking himself away in the lab for days and Steve getting through a good six punching bags in the gym. But eventually one of them (usually Steve since Tony was so stubborn) would seek the other out. Steve would bring Tony a steaming mug of coffee, just the way he liked it, by means of apology or Tony would come up behind Steve and massage his shoulders, tense from training. Just like that, all was forgiven.

However, something had changed recently, and although Steve could probably guess the reason, it didn’t make it any less difficult to deal with. It had taken a long time for Steve and SHIELD to locate Bucky, and it had taken even longer for them to help rehabilitate him as best as they could, but the second super soldier had finally moved into Tony’s tower last week.

Since then something about Tony had been – well, off.

Steve felt bad for Tony. He knew that he was spending less time with his lover now that his best friend had moved in, but there was so much to do and Bucky needed him. He was in an impossible situation. How was he meant to choose between the two most important people in his life? He loved Tony with all of his heart, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, but that didn’t take away the fact that Bucky was like a brother to Steve. Even after all these years he would lay down his life for the other man. He knew that Bucky, or the Winter Soldier at least, had done countless unforgiveable things, but with some TLC he was hoping that he could get his old Bucky back.

And he really, really needed Tony to understand that he needed this – Steve couldn’t lose Bucky again.

...

3AM, Monday Morning.

Steve woke up with a sigh, vaguely aware that he was alone in bed despite it being dark outside. It must be the middle of the night – so where was Tony? Although he would never admit it, Tony was like a limpet with attachment issues in bed. He would curl up around Steve, clinging onto him and wrapping both his arms and legs around the super soldier all night. His favourite position was being pressed up against Steve’s chest with his head resting on his collar bone. It was very rare for Steve to wake alone.

Steve couldn’t help but feel this was ominous.

After allowing himself a moment to stretch, Steve rolled out of bed, slipping on the Hulk-foot slippers that Tony had bought him. See, ever the thoughtful boyfriend…

It didn’t take him long to find Tony.

His partner was sitting at his desk in the lab, fully clothed in a baggy turtleneck jumper and a long pair of boxers. He was fiddling with a pen absentmindedly, twirling it around in his fingers and occasionally chewing on the pen lid every now and again. It was clear that he wasn’t getting any work done, which in itself wasn’t like Tony…so what on earth was going on?

“Tone, it’s 3am, what are you doing up?”

“I could ask you the same question.” Tony didn’t look up from the pen, but after a moment he added a soft “sorry, I just couldn’t sleep – y’know. Just feeling a bit worked up. Nothing a cuddle won’t fix though.” Steve shook his head fondly, moving over to his boyfriend and scooping him up into his arms, pressing him against a wall and pecking him gently on the forehead.

Tony really must have been tense, because his whole body stiffened when Steve pressed him against the wall. Usually that was enough to have Tony begging for an impromptu makeout/rough sex session. But clearly he wasn’t in the mood tonight.

“Not now Steve, sorry. I’ve got a lot on and I’m so stressed I don’t think I could even if I wanted to.” Steve frowned, concern crossing his face. Tony was always up for sex. Always. Even at the most inappropriate times (Steve was never sitting in the back row of a cinema ever again – he was scarred for life from last time – well, not as scarred as the guy sitting a few seats away from them).

“Are you ok Tony, I’m worried about you. You look tired, please come back to bed? It’s lonely without you.”

“I’m sorry babe, but I really need to work through some things. I had an idea earlier for some weapon upgrades and if I don’t get them done now I will forget everything that I was planning on doing.” Steve knew that this was bullshit, Tony had a memory that could only be beaten by Natasha’s, but he didn’t comment.  
If Tony needed some alone time, he would respect that.

“Ok, just don’t expect me to make you pancakes when you are grumpy in the morning. And no tantrums, I mean it!” 

“I don’t throw tantrums.” Tony pouted, his brows furrowing petulantly.  
“Sure Tone, of course not.” With a small smirk, Steve wandered back to the bedroom and crawled back into bed, shuffling over to Tony’s side so that he could use his boyfriend’s pillow. Sue him, he was sentimental and it smelt comfortable and familiar. Like home.

Steve couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something that Tony wasn’t telling him, but he shook his head softly and contented himself with cuddling Tony’s pillow.

…

5PM Sunday Evening (The Previous Day)

Tony bopped his head as he walked briskly down the corridor to the communal kitchen, finger drumming and breaking out into air guitar as he listened to AC/DC with his wireless headphones. He had recently created a pair of headphones that were a music device in their own right – no more Apple products, thank you very much. They were voice activated and would play any song when you spoke the song name and artist aloud. Pretty nifty if he did say so himself. Tony was looking forward to Stark Enterprises releasing them. But for now he and Clint were the only two people with a pair.

He was just walking past the living area when a hand appeared out from behind the lounge door, grabbing him by the neck and hauling him into the room. Before Tony knew what was happening he was pinned against the lounge wall, the door swinging shut behind him as his attacker kicked it shut. At first he thought it was Clint pissing around, but the grip around his throat was far too rough to be a joke.

Tony began to thrash with all of his might, struggling against the metal around his neck. Wait…metal? What? All of a sudden Tony’s brain caught up with his eyes and he realised that it was none other than Bucky pinning him to the wall. Well that would explain why none of the security alarms had gone off warning him of an intruder.

“I’m going to let go of your throat, Stark. If you so much as make a sound I will break your neck.” Bucky loosened his grip on Tony a little, watching satisfied as the older man gasped weakly for breath and dropped his empty coffee mug to the floor where it shattered.

“What the hell dude? C’mon? If you didn’t want to join my super-secret air-guitar boyband you could have just told me– although I must say that you aren’t really rocking the heartthrob drummer hairdo-” Tony was cut off by Bucky’s metal fist wrapping around his neck again. Jeez that hurt a lot more than Tony would ever admit.

“I’ve had enough of you and your insolence, Stark. I have no idea what Steve see’s in you, but I’m warning you. Stay away from him. You are toxic, and I haven’t spent years being tortured and consequently rescued just for you to fuck it up.” Bucky’s tone was dangerous and Tony didn’t miss the manic glint in his eye. He tried with all of his might to wrestle the metal fingers around his throat off, but he had designed the hand himself and dammit he was too good at his job – they were strong and there was no moving them.

Just when Tony thought he was going to pass out, Bucky let go and he crumpled to the floor, gasping and heaving the contents of his stomach all over the floor. Admittedly all he had consumed so far that day was coffee, but the feeling was still extremely unpleasant nonetheless.

“Pathetic. And to think that you believe yourself worthy of Steve. You are worthless. If you value your pathetic little life, I suggest you do what I say. If not, well – I might be forced to do something we would both regret. Now, order JARVIS to delete all footage displaying us two together, and ensure that he continues to do so every time we meet. I wouldn’t want any of the Avengers finding out about our little talks, or well -” Bucky left his sentence unfinished, allowing Tony to fill in the blanks as he got back to his feet. He didn’t like any of the options that his brain came up with.

“And now that I think about it, ensure that JARVIS disables your suits whenever we are alone together. If you try anything, I will take your precious team apart in front of your eyes.”

“O-ok. Ok, just leave Steve and the others out of this, ok? This is clearly just a misunderstanding!” Bucky punched Tony hard in the gut, making himself perfectly clear. “Alright, alright, I follow. JARVIS, delete all footage in here from the last ten minutes. And don’t record Bucky and I together or let me use the suits when we are alone together.”

“Sir, I do not believe-”

“JARVIS, I’m warning you. Do what I say or I will take a hammer to you and sell you as scrap metal!” JARVIS didn’t say anything else, but Tony half imagined that his AI let out a small, inaudible sigh.

“Perhaps you are good for something.” With a final punch to Tony’s ribs, which sent the older man sprawling on the floor into his own vomit, Bucky turned and walked out the door as if nothing had happened.

Tony curled up against the wall, breathing heavily as he tried to process what had just happened. He wanted nothing more than to go after Bucky. Hell, he could call one of his suits and flatten the guy in a matter of seconds if he overrode JARVIS’s last instruction. But that would destroy Steve – Steve loved this man, and he would never forgive Tony for hurting him. Not so soon after they had just been reunited.

And he couldn’t tell him either – he now had no video evidence and Steve probably wouldn’t believe him. Bucky was his best friend, he’d known him for years, grown up with him. He knew that Tony wasn’t exactly happy with Bucky moving in – because hello, murdered his parents, but if Tony started accusing Bucky of something so seemingly unbelievable – well, let’s just say it probably wouldn’t go down well.

With a small sigh Tony pulled himself up, ordering JARVIS to alert the cleaning staff to deal with the mess on the floor. He trudged down the corridor weakly, feeling numb as he rubbed his neck absentmindedly. No doubt it was bruised already. That was going to be a bitch to cover up.

He reached the elevator and dialled in the code for his lab, entering the familiar room and making a beeline for his wardrobe as he simultaneously pulled off his vomit-soaked t-shirt. He grabbed a turtleneck from one of the hangers and pulled it on before making his way to the bathroom and scrubbing his teeth clean and washing his hands, scrubbing violently until he finally felt a little less dirty.

'This is so not good,' Tony thought to himself. Which turned out to be the understatement of the century.  
 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your support so far, it means the world! :D You all know how to cheer a girl up! I hope that you enjoy the next chapter xxx

Tony paced up and down his room, pondering all of his options. It was early days, just an hour after the attack, and although it was clear that Bucky was a psychopathic dick, he was, so to speak, Steve’s psychopathic dick – so he had to tread carefully.

It was obvious that he couldn’t let this go on though.

He was damn good at hiding wounds so there was no need to panic about alarming his teammates, and he could easily get away with not going to bed with Steve for a couple of nights (his work schedule often meant that they didn’t see each other as much as they’d like) but he wasn’t’ going to be a doormat. Tony Stark was a fighter, always had been, and there was no way he was going to let himself be taken advantage of like this.

He just had to figure out his plan of action.

First of all, he would address JARVIS and tell him to ignore those stupid commands from earlier – he needed that evidence and although JARVIS was just an AI, he was, as his name suggests, intelligent and Tony was sure that he hadn’t actually deleted the files. No doubt they were squirrelled away somewhere, because JARVIS had Tony’s best interest at heart, often going against Tony’s own orders.

“Hey J, do you have a backup of those files I told you to delete?”

“Of course, Sir. Do you wish me to send them to the Captain? I am sure that he would wish to examine them.”

“Nah, that won’t be necessary, I’m fine. Just make sure that you keep a hold of them for a later date.”

“Is there anyone you want me to alert about the situation?”

“I’m fine, a bit sore but I’ll live.”

“That could be a problem, Sir.”

Tony groaned and pressed his palms to his eyes. “JARVIS, who have you spoken to?”

“I sent an alert to Doctor Banner, merely informing him that you are in need of medical attention.”

“What have I told you about going behind my back, J? I’m hurt! If I wanted someone to ignore my commands I’d have got a cat!”

“I apologise, Sir, but Doctor Banner is already on his way down.”

“Fine, fine. Just keep your mouth shut. I’ll sort him out.” “I do not possess a mouth, sir.”

“Well you sure do back-chat like someone with a massive gob.”

“Duly noted. Doctor Banner is outside.”

Tony went over to the door, quickly making sure that the turtleneck he was wearing was covering up all of his bruising. He didn’t want Bruce to worry or Hulk out, and he didn’t want to explain to Bruce that he had been beaten in his own home. His pride would definitely not allow that.

It was all too easy for Tony to cover up the pain he was going through. Ever since the age of five he had learnt to conceal his pain. It had all started when Howard would hit him just a little too hard, go too far, and he would order Tony to ‘man up’ and not act like a sissy and cry. It wouldn’t be good for the company if it got out that Howard Stark was a child abuser.

Then there had been the abusive relationships when he was a young teen trying to discover himself and had gotten himself in with the wrong crowd. Not to mention the way that Tony would often conceal his wounds from the team after Avenger battles. He hated people fussing over him. Tony could deal with his own problems – had done since he was a child. There was nothing worse than dealing with Banner and Steve’s concerned looks and consequent mollycoddling.

“Tony? JARVIS told me that you need me? Is everything ok?” Bruce looked Tony up and down concerned, seeing nothing obviously wrong with the man in front of him.

“He was just being overprotective, I passed out earlier because I hadn’t had enough to eat and drink. It’s been a busy day, you know what I’m like. I’ve eaten now though, and had a few glasses of water. Everything’s good, go back to your big bag of weed, or whatever.”

“Are you sure? I should do some blood tests at the least, make sure there aren’t any underlying causes!”

“Chill dude, for someone so zen, you sure do stress! I’m fine, promise, see?” Tony gave Bruce his best winning smile and did jazz hands. It was enough to convince Bruce that he was ok.

“Fine, well I’m going to head to bed, if you feel unwell please let me know immediately.”

“Of course, cheers buddy.”

“Get some rest Tony!”

As Bruce walked out of the room Tony felt relief flood through him. He didn’t want his fellow science bro to worry. He had this under control.

...

Tony sat watching the footage of Bucky’s earlier attack on the screen in front of him, wondering what he was going to say to Steve to soften the blow. It was clear that Bucky was unhinged, that he needed help, a physiatrist or something. Maybe if Tony showed that he was willing to help find a solution, Steve would take it less hard?

He was just about to ring one of his many contacts in the medical industry when a loud thudding noise startled him from his chair.

Bucky was standing in front of him, underneath one of the ceiling vents and in two swift steps he had crossed over to Tony.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?! I thought I told you to delete that footage!”

Bucky punched Tony hard in the ribs with his metal fist, sending Tony crashing into the wall.

“I-”

“Do you really think that I am so stupid as to not keep an eye on you? Hawkeye isn’t the only one who can fit in the vents, you know? And yes, I know about the hidden cameras that you have set up, and the mics. And that bug that you placed in my boot – yeah, you are going to have to try harder than that.” Bucky drew a knife out of his pocket and held it to Tony’s throat. “If you so much as try and pull a stunt like that again, I will kill you. Slowly. But not before I kill your team first. I will do it right in front of your eyes, make you listen to Natasha scream in agony, Clint bellow in pain and Bruce plead pathetically for me to be rational. I bet you can just imagine it, can’t you. The look of pain in their faces. Well, it doesn’t have to happen, but I will do it if you don’t submit to me like the pathetic weakling you are.”

“You can’t do this, look, you need help. You aren’t all there Bucky, please just let me help you. There are therapists, psychiatrists who can help you out. There have been so many advances in the medical field since your era. I can help you! We are your friends Buck, please – think of Steve!”

Bucky punched Tony again. Hard. Hard enough to make Tony gag.

“Tell JARVIS to follow those orders from before. Properly this time. You will make him give me the only override code. I am a highly trained spy, Tony, don’t forget that. I will know if you try to deceive me. I will destroy you Stark, and you will let me, because deep down you know that I am right. You are worthless. You deserve this. To be in pain. To make up for all the suffering you have caused. This is your punishment for tainting Steve with your evil.”

Tony did as he was told, his skin crawling as tears silently slid down his cheeks.

Bucky was right. He didn’t deserve the happiness that he had found in Steve. He was a coward, a failure. He deserved to be punished – he had caused the deaths of thousands of innocent people. He was a monster. Steve was perfect – his soldier deserved so much more than Tony could ever give.

Tony cried quietly as Bucky walked out of the room, turning his attention this work as he tried to block out the racing thoughts in his ears.

…

“Come on Tone, it’s late, you can’t stay in here working all night! It’s not good for you Tony, you look exhausted. I’ll make it worth your while!” Steve waggled his eyebrows suggestively, reaching out to his partner and pressing a gentle kiss to Tony’s forehead. The older man had been working himself into the ground ever since the night before, when Bucky had burst into his lab from the vent.

He hadn’t even stopped for a coffee break and it was making Steve nervous. He knew that Tony had a history of overworking himself, but since they had been together he was getting better at taking care of himself – or at least he was getting better at letting Steve look after him.

“I – sorry Steve, I just have a lot on at the moment. You know me, working on about forty things at once and I’ve just had a bit of a breakthrough. I want to get these blueprints finished tonight while everything is still fresh in my head.”

“Ok, well I hope you get everything sorted. I’ve missed you recently, I know we’ve both been busy, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with Buck, but it’ll get easier soon. I love you Tony.” Steve gently massaged Tony’s shoulders for a few moments, smiling when Tony melted into his expert grip. He kissed the older man on the back of the head before heading to the bedroom. He’d had a long day training new recruits at SHIELD and despite the serum running through his veins, he ached all over.

Tony felt a tremor of fear run through him.

He should just tell Steve now, before things got worse. Just tell him – he’s your fucking boyfriend Stark, he’ll listen to you. He cares about you, can see that something is wrong. Just tell him. Get a grip.

Except what if he didn’t listen? What if Steve didn’t believe him? There was no way in hell Tony was going to risk everything over this. He’d just suck it up, be a Stark and handle it himself. He’d try and reason with Bucky, tell him that he loved Steve with all his heart, and would never let him down.

Who was he fooling? There was no way in hell Bucky would buy it.

Tony absently scratched at his arm as he tried his best to focus on his work. His mind kept drifting.

…

“Morning Sleeping Beauty, time to get up, you’ve got a call from Coulson.” Tony gently stroked his boyfriend’s cheek with a couple of fingers, brushing his blond hair away from his eyes as they fluttered open and planting a delicate kiss on the tip of Steve’s nose.

“Tony? Wha?” Despite popular opinion, Steve was just as useless in the morning as everyone else and it often took him a good half an hour to wake up properly. He staggered around like the rest of them first thing in the morning.

“Coulson wants to chat with you, he said he’d call back in five.” Tony climbed into bed next to his partner, fully clothed from the night before as he breathed in the super soldier’s scent. He felt some of the tension drain from his body and he wrapped his arms around his partner, finally feeling safe for the first time since his encounters with Bucky.

He would go to hell and back for this man, so what if Bucky wanted to rough him up every now and again? Tony had faced far worse in the past. This was nothing, a small price to pay in order to spend time with the love of his life.

He found himself drifting to sleep without even realising, still fully clothed with his face buried in the back of Steve’s neck.

…

When Tony woke up the side of the bed next to him was empty and a shiver went through his body when he realised how cold he was. Steve always got way too hot in bed so Tony had turned off the central heating in the bedroom, relying on the fact that Steve always cuddled him and kept him warm throughout the night. It wasn’t like him to just up and leave, that phone call must have been important. Dammit.

With a low sigh Tony swung his legs out of bed, grabbing a quick shower before dressing in another turtleneck and a pair of sweats. He had no plans for the day other than getting some work done, so nobody could judge him for his attire. Besides, the bruising would probably fade in a few days. He could easily hide it until then, especially if Steve was going to be away for a while. It meant that he wouldn’t have to make up any awkward excuses about wearing sweaters to bed, or for avoiding bed altogether.

The lab was already alight with rotating holograms when Tony entered the room and he smiled when he saw the note left on his favourite desk, perched beside a full cafetiere of strong coffee.

It read ‘Hi Tony, sorry for leaving you but you looked too peaceful to wake up. I hope that you continued to sleep well. I am having to head down to Portugal for a few days for a series of strategy meetings – don’t even ask! I hope that you manage to get some work done while I’m away, maybe you could spend some quality time with Bucky and the team while I’m gone! I’ve told JARVIS to make sure you don’t stay locked in the lab the whole time. Love you with all of my heart, Steve x’

All of a sudden Tony’s problems paled into insignificance and he found himself beaming. Of course Steve still loved him. Bucky was wrong, a toxic, evil piece of de-frosted scum who wanted to plant doubts in Tony’s mind. Well, Tony was a genius and he wasn’t going to let that happen.

Today was a new day and everything would be fine.

…

Everything was not fine.

…

Steve had apparently had a word with Clint about coaxing Tony out of the lab – turns out Steve is just as stubborn as Tony is, and now the archer was trying to persuade Tony to come upstairs and watch films with the other Avengers…and Bucky.

“Listen Katniss, I’m really not interested in watching The Hunger Games with you again, I know you need an ego boost every now and again, but watching this film isn’t going to help you – we all know that J-Law is better at archery than you!”

“Oh Shellhead, how you wound me. Look, just come otherwise Steve will kick my ass for leaving you to brood down here all day without him.”

“I’m busy.” Nope, Tony was most certainly not whining. Or pouting. Or being generally petulant. He wasn’t a child…

“C’mon-” Clint grabbed Tony by the arm and hauled him to his feet, too busy laughing at Tony’s undignified yelp to see the look of fear that flashed across Tony’s face, or to notice how part of Tony’s pulling away was him actually trying to shield himself from a blow that wasn’t coming.

Which Tony was stupidly grateful for.

“If you come up I’m sure that I can persuade Natasha to let you pick the film tonight.”

“I don’t care what we watch, I just want to be left in peace to tackle my never-ending workload. Unlike the rest of you guys, I have to work to keep a roof over our heads.”

“That’s not true and you know it, you’ve got enough money to see us all through at least twenty lives each, comfortably.”

“That’s beside the point, I have projects to do for SI, not to mention all the upgrades I need to do on the suit and the team’s tech – your new arrows included.”

“Nuh-uh, bribery isn’t going to work. Come on, we’re going and that’s final. Wait, what new arrow – no, shit, that ain’t gonna work Stark. I will not be won over by arrows.”

Tony groaned but admitted defeat, following Clint upstairs and into the communal living area. Bruce was curled up in his favourite armchair, Thor was sat next to Natasha, braiding her hair (the god apparently had a tendency to fiddle with things and Tash was kind enough to let him do it, anything to make the man happy. Pouty Thor was not fun to deal with). Clint wandered over to Natasha, telling her to budge over so that he could sit next to her and place his head in her lap.

They all looked so comfortable together and it made Tony’s heart clench. It was clear that everybody had their place, and although there was a two-seater sofa in the corner where Tony would occasionally sit with Steve, the captain wasn’t here at the moment, and instead Bucky was sat in Steve’s spot. The sight made Tony’s blood boil and he found himself suddenly freezing when he realised that there was nowhere for him to sit other than next to his nemesis. Great.

“C’mon Tony, we don’t have all day!” Clint mumbled, chucking a piece of popcorn at Tony – it hit him square on the nose. Damn Clint and his stupidly good aim.

“Ok, ok, don’t get your knickers in a twist Robin Hood.” That earned Tony a second piece of popcorn to the back of his head.

Bucky shuffled up a bit, but there was still not room for both men to sit on the sofa without touching. The thought made Tony shudder.

“Here Tony, c’mon, I don’t bite!” Bucky grinned at him and the others tittered quietly, none of them noting the malicious glint in Bucky’s eye. Bracing himself, Tony sat next to Bucky, holding himself as still as possible, now hyper-aware of the throbbing pain in his neck where the bruising was.

Everything seemed to be fine for a good half an hour, but of course, like most good things in Tony’s life, the peace was short-lived. His breath hitched when he felt Bucky shift beside him and it took all of his willpower not to yelp when he felt a blade being held to his hip. He could scream, cry out and pull away, draw attention to what the other man was doing, but the menacing look in Bucky’s eyes had him quivering slightly. And besides, it would destroy Steve knowing that Bucky had hurt and threatened Tony. He had to be the one that told Steve, privately, not one of the other Avengers. He had to deal with this alone. Like a Stark.

Besides, if the team found out they would probably kill Bucky, and that wasn’t what Tony wanted. Loosing Bucky again would destroy Steve. And Bucky, no doubt, would take a good chunk out of the team as well. It looked like he still remembered all of the Winter Soldier’s fighting techniques.

“Make a sound and I’ll kill each and every one of you, ok? And don’t think that I can’t, because I can. I remember every single bit of training that I received as The Asset, and your team are mainly unarmed. You wouldn’t want to be responsible for them getting hurt, would you Tony?” Bucky had shifted so that he and Tony were shoulder to shoulder, making it easy for him to whisper into Tony’s ear. His voice was so quiet that Tony could barely hear it himself, so there was no way the others would hear.

That didn’t stop him from hoping that Nat had noticed something, what with her ridiculously good hearing, but she was too busy watching the film.

Tony shook his head pathetically in response to Bucky’s threat, shame overcoming him as he realised just how weak he was being. How had he fallen so far? Why was he letting this man control him?

He remained silent as Bucky slid the blade of his knife under Tony’s sweater and drew the blade across his side, hard enough to draw blood and make him hiss a little. The noise earned him another far deeper gash in warning, even though none of the others had heard it over the surround sound system that Tony had installed in the room.

By the end of the film Tony had gone completely white and was shaking slightly, fists clenched. Bucky had shifted a blanket over them so the others wouldn’t notice, and the room’s lights were dimmed so nobody could see his pale face.

Tony’s breath was shallow as agony tore through his side. He had lost count of how many times Bucky had cut him, but it must have been well over 20. Most of the cuts were shallow, just enough to draw blood but not enough to leave a mark for longer than a couple of days, but some were far deeper and a few went all the way down to reveal fatty tissue. Tony felt sick, the knowledge that Bucky had so much power over him, even in a room full of other people, making Tony want to throw up.

But what made it even worse was how Bucky was curled up around him now, one arm slung around his shoulder in false camaraderie as he continued to slice into Tony, both literally and mentally.

He had never felt so worthless.

So stupid.

Even if he had wanted to, there was no way that Tony could tell the team what was happening to him right now. He would be a laughing stock, they’d kick him off the team for being so weak. Ha, ha, ha, Iron Man can’t even defend himself from being systematically cut on a sofa in a room full of superheroes.

Tony had never felt so pathetic and he couldn’t have been more relieved when the film was finally over and the credits had begun to roll, the sound system automatically turning off and the lights flickering back on. Everyone was beginning to stand up and depart, but not before Clint looked over at Tony and smirked.

“Hey Tony, you look rather pale over there, I didn’t realise you needed a pillow to hide behind for the scary parts. Do you want me to come and tuck you in and stay with you tonight? I’ll protect you from the scary monsters?”

“Shut up birdbrain, I’m not pale, you are just envious of my stunning good looks and are trying to put me down!” Tony tried to keep his voice calm and seemed to succeed, to some degree, because Clint just rolled his eyes and left the room. One final piece of popcorn was launched at Tony as he left.

“That was fun, wasn’t it?” Bucky gloated, standing up and tucking his knife in his pocket. “We should do it again some time, don’t you think. Maybe just us two? But for now, I think Clint is right, maybe I should come and tuck you in, if the movie upset you.”

“Please, just stop. I-”

Tony was cut off by Bucky pulling him up by the hair and commanding him to go back to the lab, and Tony’s conjoined bedroom. Only when they were both in the privacy of Tony’s room did Bucky finally lose all of his restraint.

Within seconds he had Tony pinned to the wall with his metal arm, and used the other to swing the knife he was still carrying against Tony’s arm, hard. The blade cut deep into his skin, making Tony’s eyes water as he whimpered.

“Oh Tony, so clumsy, aren’t you. Steve is going to be so upset that you didn’t listen to me when I told you to go to bed and get some rest. I did warn you that you were too tired to be working with heavy machinery, didn’t I?”

Tony nodded weakly, falling to the floor when Bucky let go of his arms.

“See you tomorrow, Stark.”

…

Tony curled up in the shower with his head in his hands, shaking violently from the pain in his arm and hip. He had been forced to stitch up the cut on his arm with the medical kit he kept in his room. Some of the deep cuts on his hip had also needed stitching up and the pain made him want to pass out. He could have just gone to Bruce to ask for help with the cut on his arm, but he didn’t want to disturb his friend and although he had a cover story to stick to, provided by Bucky, the thought of saying it aloud made bile rise in Tony’s throat.

But it was fine.

Just a cut.

Little more than a scratch…

No, scrap that, it was a bloody deep gash that was agonising and at least two centimetres deep, if not more.

But it didn’t matter in the great scheme of things.

And Tony wouldn’t let this happen again. He was done with Bucky getting the best of him. The next time they were alone, Tony would fight back. Put Bucky in his place. He’d build a new piece of tech that would allow him to take the super soldier down – stun him with a taser style thing, maybe? He’d make the other man too scared to mess with him again. Maybe then they could both put this behind them and be civil, for Steve’s sake if nothing else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope that you enjoyed it :D You know what to do ;) xxx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> Thank you so much for your support so far, your comments and kudos mean the world to me! I hope that you enjoy the next chapter!
> 
> Warning for sexy times ;)

It had been over a week and a half by the time that Steve finally made it home to Stark Tower. He looked pale, tired and worn but Tony had never seen anything as beautiful as his partner at that point in time. He practically launched himself at his super soldier, thankful that his bruising had faded and only the three deepest cuts on his side were still visible under their layer of actor-grade makeup he had applied earlier. He could easily pass them off as a lab wound.

Within seconds of being home Steve found himself carrying Tony in his arms, the older man having launched himself into his grip. Tony clung to him like a child, burying his face under Steve’s chin and kissing his neck passionately before turning his attention to Steve’s cracked lips.

They made out like a couple of horny teenagers, both battling with their tongues for dominance before Tony submitted to Steve and let him take control.

“So,” Steve gasped, pulling away from the kiss, “I take it you missed me?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

Steve didn’t need telling twice, tangling one hand into Tony’s hair as he carried the man downstairs into the lab. In no time at all he was tearing Tony’s clothes off and had pressed Tony onto his back on the bed. Tony whimpered in need, spreading his legs, thankful for the makeup on his hip.

“Shit Tony! What happened to your arm? And your side?”

Busted.

“What?” Tony pleaded ignorance, not wanting to distract Steve from hot sex – because hell, it had been a stressful week.

“Your arm, that cut looks nasty!”

“Was just Dummy, stupid bot managed to catch me with a penknife he was carrying. Don’t worry, I’ve already threatened to dismantle him and turn him into a microwave. Oh, and I accidentally exploded one of Clint’s new explosive arrows. I was playing around with the prototype – stupid shrapnel caught me in the side. Y’know me, for someone so good with their hands, I am sure a klutz!”

Steve laughed and, satisfied with Tony’s answer, began worshipping his partner. He kissed Tony on the neck and slowly made his way down the older man’s body with his mouth, planting soft kisses across his skin and nipping gently at Tony’s nipples.

Tony groaned in pleasure. God he did not deserve Steve, so damn perfect – god!

Tony whimpered when Steve plastered his happy trail with wet kisses and in no time at all Steve was licking Tony out, fondling his balls and massaging them as Tony whined and leaked pre-cum all over the place. It took all of his self-control not to come right there and then. Even more so when Steve gently slipped a single finger into his ass, slick with lube as he began to rub against Tony’s prostate.

The older man keened and his hips bucked frantically, desperately seeking out more.

“Patience Tony!”

“Steve, I swear to God, please just fuck me!”

Steve shushed Tony by adding another finger, scissoring Tony until he could eventually fit three fingers in without any discomfort. When he eventually withdrew his fingers a fresh gush of pre-cum oozed from Tony’s slit and the genius cried out in pain/pleasure when Steve ran his finger over Tony’s sensitive head. His cock was bright red and straining and it was clear that Tony wasn’t going to last much longer.

When Steve eventually lined up his cock with Tony’s quivering hole, the genius cried out and shouted Steve’s name. He could feel himself coming undone, the stress of the last week and half ebbing out of him as his hole contracted reflexively around Steve. Tony allowed himself to sink into his pillows, unable to move as his partner thrust into him. All he could do was cling onto Steve’s shoulders as the muscled soldier rocked into him, angling his hips so that he hit Tony’s prostate with every thrust.

The pleasure was divine and Tony felt his cock twitching as he begged Steve to finish in him.

He needed Steve to claim him, to wash away all traces of Bucky left behind by the beatings.

It was a good ten minutes before Steve finally took pity on Tony, wrapping his hand around Tony’s rock hard, throbbing cock and stroking him in time with each thrust. It was too much and before Tony could so much as cry out in warning, he was spilling his load all over Steve’s hand and his own chest.

Tony almost whited out from the pleasure, the contractions of his muscles milking Steve until he found himself coming as well.

“So good for me Tony, you look so beautiful like this!”

Tony whimpered weakly, wriggling frantically when Steve pulled out of his ass and replaced his cock with three fingers.

“Look at you, so loose and ready for me. Beautiful.” Steve began to rub Tony’s oversensitive prostate, smiling when Tony howled and almost bent in half in an exquisite mix of pain and pleasure.

“Too soon, too much – god, Steve, please, I”

"You can take it. So good for me Tony, I know you can come again for me, just one more time?" Steve didn't relent, keeping up the unbearable pressure on Tony’s swollen prostate.

Tony shook his head back and forth, thrashing and letting out whimpers and fucked-out moans. He was babbling incoherently and begging Steve for – well even Tony didn’t know what he was begging for. All he knew was that he _needed_.

After a few minutes of finger fucking Tony, Steve was hard again. The serum had seriously reduced his refractory period and it often took two or more goes to satisfy him. Luckily Tony was always game. He was far gentler this time, entering Tony’s sensitive hole slowly and allowing his twitching body to accommodate the stretch. He lightly ran his hand over Tony’s chest, gently stroking the skin around his reactor and tweaking his nipples.

Tony begged for more, gasping for air and coming with a scream in an embarrassingly short amount of time. He felt himself arching up into his partners grip, urging Steve to fuck him deeper until they were both finally sated.

“You are incredible, you know that?”

Tony mumbled incoherently and curled up against Steve’s chest, burying his face in the soldier’s collar bone before falling fast asleep.

Clean-up could wait until after his nap.

* * *

Just when Tony thought that everything could go back to normal, since Steve was now back, reality came back to metaphorically bite him in the ass.

Steve was called away on more official duties and every time that Tony was on his own, Bucky would inexplicable find him. Sometimes he would simply threaten Tony, make him feel an inch tall before leaving Tony alone again.

Other times he would assert his dominance in whatever way he could – ‘accidentally’ knocking Tony into the kitchen table when the Avengers were having breakfast together, tripping him up (or down) the stairs when he ‘forgot’ to look where he was going.

But the worse parts were when he would make his way into Tony’s lab. He was more restrained now, having let out most of his initial anger. He was careful. Bucky would punch and hit Tony, but only once or twice, in different areas each time so that they could be easily passed off as general injuries from missions, or as workplace accidents in the lab. Occasionally there would be cuts as well, but as usual, these were in places where Tony often accidentally nicked himself anyway. But they were far deeper than a small scrape.

Nobody noticed. Or if they did, they didn’t care enough to comment.

Tony was so close to breaking, but he squirreled away the fear.

Every time he talked to Steve on the phone and heard his voice, he was reminded about why he was going through this. He would do anything for Steve. Anything. He was worth sustaining a few cuts and bruises for. Tony would tell Steve soon, he really would. Just not yet, not when he was still so happy to have Bucky back.

* * *

Tony came close to telling Steve and the others what was happening on multiple occasions, when the pain or the anger became too much. But every time he managed to get one of them team on their own without Bucky around, or to phone Steve in private, the super soldier appeared out of nowhere. It was like he had some sort of sixth sense or something.

On the rare occasion that he didn’t turn up, Tony chickened out. He really didn’t know what to say? _‘Hey Steve, you know your best buddy, the one who you have just been reunited with after months of searching…well he’s beating me. And I am too scared to do anything about it because he is too strong and has made me disable JARVIS and my suits when he is attacking me. Oh, I actually went along with that so he wouldn’t hurt you, because yeah, although I’m a genius, I believe his threats.’_

However, after one particularly hellish night in which Bucky had been particularly brutal, Tony knew that he needed to get out the tower for a while. He had sought respite with Bruce in the lab for a while, but Banner had got annoyed at him because he was being so moody and withdrawn. He stated that if Tony wouldn’t talk to him about whatever was bothering him, he may as well go mope elsewhere.

Normally that would have hurt, but Bruce was so stressed at the moment that he couldn’t’ bring himself to be angry.

Natasha and Clint were both away on missions and Thor was away in Asgard, so he was left with no option other than to go to the charity event Pepper had asked him to attend weeks ago.

* * *

“My, aren’t you looking glamorous tonight!” Tony wrapped his arms around Pepper’s waist and spun her round, startling the redhead and almost making her drop her glass when he pressed an affectionate kiss on her cheek by way of greeting.

“Tony? What are you doing here?”

“You asked me to come, remember? This gala is technically for me, after all, and my achievements at SI.”

“Well, yes, naturally. But I still didn’t expect you to actually turn up, especially without me having to nag or bribe you? Are you ok?”

“Of course I’m ok, I’m always ok!” Pepper raised an eyebrow so high that it disappeared above her fringe. “Ok, I know that wasn’t entirely true, but what makes you think that I’d miss seeing you in that dazzling dress! You’re my best friend Pep, it’s always good to see that you are finally listening to my fashion advice, that dress I bought you for tonight is beautiful!”

“Tony, I bought the dress. You just paid for it!” Pepper snarked, adjusting Tony’s tie playfully.

“Same thing. So, fancy a dance?”

Tony and Pepper danced the night away, Tony pulling out all kinds of ridiculous dance moves that had Pepper doubling over with laughter on multiple occasions. But the truth was, it was all an act. Tony’s heart was not in it at all. He’d only come to the gala because he didn’t think he could face Bucky again after the previous night and the whole gala situation was making him uneasy. There were so many people around that nobody could help but bump into each other, and every time Tony was nudged in the chest or side, it took all of his might to conceal the pain that momentarily flashed across his face.

Still, it was a welcome escape from being in the tower, even though it was temporary, but like all good things the gala came to an end and when Tony asked Pepper if he wanted him to escort her back to her house, she declined. This left Tony with nowhere else to go but home. Wearily he took to the streets, wandering with his hands in his pocket and making as many long-winded detours as possible as he made his way back to the tower.

By the time he got home it was gone 4am and Tony was sure that he’d be able to go down to his bedroom and actually get some rest without being interrupted, or attacked.

He should have known better than to get his hopes up.

Bucky was sat in the main lobby of the tower and as soon as he set eyes on Tony he stood from the plush waiting-room style chair that he had been resting on. He strode over to Tony before he’d so much as taken ten paces into the building.

“And where do you think you have been all night? I was beginning to miss you!” Bucky ran a hand over Tony’s cheek, making him flinch back in shock. Bucky stank of alcohol.“And what is that on your cheek?”

Tony froze when he remembered that Pepper had kissed him on the cheek goodbye, no doubt leaving a lipstick mark.

“Of course you are a cheat, you fucking filthy slut! Steve is away so you think it’s ok to get yourself a piece of ass? Fucking scum, I have no idea what he sees in you. Steve deserves so much better.” Bucky grabbed Tony by the shoulder and threw him to the ground, making Tony let out a startled whimper of pain.

“No, I swear, it was just Pepper – she, we-nothing happen-” Tony was cut off by a sharp kick to the ribs that left him breathless. The air had been knocked out of him and all Tony could do was cower as Bucky loomed over him and began to kick him repeatedly. “Worthless. Piece. Of. Scum. Why. Don’t. You. Just. Kill. Yourself. And. Put. Steve. Out. Of. His. Misery!” Each word was punctuated by a harsh kick to Tony’s side and Tony could do nothing but curl up and take it, tears streaming down his face.

Bucky was right. Maybe he should just end it? Steve had barely been spending any time with Tony recently, what with his Avengers duties and looking after Bucky. It was clear that he no longer cared for Tony that much – it was obvious. He hadn’t turned up to the last three dates that Tony had tried to set up, and he didn’t even thank Tony for the new armour that he had made last week – he had simply muttered a quick “cheers” before making some excuse about Bucky having called him, needing something or other. Tony had been forced to call the five star restaurant he had booked them into and cancel. That didn’t go down well.

“Steve should be with me, surely you can see that! You are worthless, insignificant! You’re not even a proper Avenger, all you do is destroy everything around you. Steve should be with me, we are destined to be together forever, that much is clear. Why else do you think that we were both bought back to life? I know that he wants me Tony, I can see it in his eyes. I bet you can too, can’t you! Do you see the way his eyes follow me around the room, how he lusts for me! Tell me, Tony, has he ever screamed my name whilst he’s been fucking you? I bet he has. And every morning in the shower, he must imagine me as he strokes himself to completion. Must fantasise about me on my knees, sucking him gently and worshipping him, just like he deserves. When in reality he is stuck with you. But not for much longer. He’ll realise what he is missing soon, he’ll come back to me.”

That was the last straw.

Tony rolled away from Bucky’s reach, hauling himself up and launching himself at the super soldier. Bucky grabbed him by the wrist, smashing the gauntlet that he wore, rendering it useless when he tried to summon a weapon. He’d been working on a new taser that wasn’t linked to the suits, so it would avoid the problem of JARVIS’s deploy system being overwritten at Bucky’s command.

The loss of Tony’s attempt at getting a weapon didn’t stop him, and neither did the agonising pain of the broken metal gauntlet gouging into his skin. He was too busy trying to pummel Bucky to a pulp to care. His limbs were flying everywhere, occasionally glancing off the super soldier’s face and body, but it was useless. The blows may as well have been coming from a child for all the use they were doing. Tony simply wasn’t strong enough to hurt the soldier. But that wouldn’t stop him from trying.

Bucky gained the upper hand in a matter of seconds, grabbing Tony in a chokehold and pinning him against the wall with his metal hand. With his free hand he began pummelling Tony to a pulp, aiming strong kicks to his groin and laughing when Tony screamed in agony and proceeded to vomit all over the floor as agony shot through his balls.

Tony went limp after a few more well-aimed kicks, curling up and letting out noises halfway between screams and sobs as he cried hysterically and clutched at his groin.

“Pathetic. Get yourself out of my sight, and make sure nobody sees you. I don’t want anyone asking any questions.”

“Fuck you!” Tony snarled, but he did as he was told. Or at least he tried to. It took all of his strength to pull himself to his feet, and every proceeding step was agony. His legs buckled the grand total of twelve times as he made his way down to his lab, but he was unbearably thankful to have made it there eventually.

He buried himself under the covers of his bed and began to sob into Steve’s pillow. It had been so long since Steve had slept in bed with him that the fabric no longer smelt like his partner. This only served to make Tony sob harder until, eventually, exhaustion won out and he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think <3 It only takes a few seconds to make my day :3 x


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning here for sexual assault, please be careful x

Clint snickered and nudged Thor in the side, suppressing a giggle with the back of his hand as he crept up towards Tony. It looked as if Stark had fallen asleep on the sofa in the communal area, despite it being just three in the afternoon, and the genius was drooling absently on the sofa with his face hidden in his arms. “

On the count of one…two…three!” Clint dove forward and began to tickle Tony’s feet, Thor taking his sides as they both burst into hysterical laughter at their ingenious prank. Their laughter was cut off quickly when Tony let out a loud scream of fear. The genius’ arms flailed wildly and he managed to backhand Clint around the nose with a fair amount of force. Enough to make it bleed.

“Woah, woah! Tony chill, it’s just us! It was just a joke!”

Clint frowned when he finally managed to get a good look at Tony. It was the first time that he’d seen the older man surface from his lab in over three days and although Clint knew that Bucky was regularly going down there to keep him company, he hadn’t realised that his teammate was doing so badly.

Stark’s face seemed to be far more gaunt than usual and he looked almost sickly, especially when the dark circles under his eyes became evident.

“What the fuck Katniss? How the hell was that a joke?” Tony’s face was flushed with rage as he drew himself to full height, chest puffing out as he clenched his fists in anger – well, more like in fear, but nobody else had to know that a simple tickling session had forced him into fight or flight mode.

“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t think. It’s my fault, do you want me to get Steve? I think he’s in the gym?”

Tony shook his head, eyes dropping down to the floor.

“No, I’m fine, just – sorry, I’m just tired. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Clint nodded carefully, extending an arm out to Tony. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Tony looking so frail – he must have lost a good ten pounds recently, and he was already thin to begin with.

“Man of Iron, you appear to be unwell? Do you wish to confide in your fellow comrades? Myself and Hawkeye are more than happy to assist you in your quarrels?”

“Don’t worry Point Break, I’m fine. I’m just stressed. I’ll go and find Steve, he’ll sort me out. Seya.”

Tony wandered out of the room with the sloping tread of a lost man.

Clint watched him go with a look of concern etched across his face. He was sure that something was going on with Tony. His usually cocky, obnoxious side had been replaced by something almost unrecognisable and it worried him. Hawkeye made a mental not to talk to Natasha about it later – if anyone would pick up on something being wrong, it would be his fellow assassin/spy.

* * *

“Steve? Steve, I- Steve! STEVE!” Tony raised his voice in an attempt to get his partners attention. Steve had been hauled up in the gym all day, beating the shit out of at least four punching bags. He’d managed to bust the new ones that Tony had spent ages designing, and they were now stacked in the corner of the room as he pummelled his last one. Back to the drawing board with that design –

“Steve!” Tony walked over to Steve, reaching out to touch his shoulder and get the other man’s attention. Steve had been in a meeting all day and although he had spent the previous night with Tony, he hadn’t been overly interested in the other man. Steve had given Tony a few reluctant cuddles and had kissed him on the cheek, but he was too tired and stressed to waste energy on affection. In fact Steve had gone as far as to turn down Tony’s attempt at talking – even with the serum he was exhausted from the last week of intensive training with new SHIELD recruits and he’d been forced to endure more meetings than even he could take. The soldier had just wanted to go to bed, not noticing as Tony curled up into a smaller ball in his grip and began to silently cry.

Tony had felt his heart shatter even more as Steve pushed him away. Maybe Bucky was right, maybe he didn’t love Tony anymore? I mean, who could blame him?

But Tony wasn’t going to give up now.

He forced his mind away from the previous night and tried to swallow down his pride and feelings of rejection, wrapping an arm gently around Steve’s waist and pulling out the man’s headphones. Giving Steve a state of the art MP3 player full of 40’s music hadn’t entirely been a good idea, because he often spent several unresponsive hours being transformed into another world, completely ignoring Tony.

Not to mention the fact that it made him ignorant to everything else in the room. Steve jumped in surprise, not having noticed Tony entering the gym, and before he knew what he was doing, Steve punched Tony square in the face with all the force that he could muster. And then he realised who it was who was ‘attacking’ him from behind –

“SHIT, SHIT! Tony!” Steve yanked his headphones out and dropped down to his knees where Tony had fallen to the floor.

“Tony? Tony? Are you ok? Shit, Tony did you hit your head? I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise that it was you – I -” Steve reached forwards and cradled Tony’s face in his hand, alarmed to see that the older man had silent tears streaming down his face. His partner turned away from him, rubbing a sleeve of his jumper across the blood gushing from his nose.

"Tony? Talk to me? Please?”

“I-I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. I’ve had worse.” Tony smiled weakly, wiping the tears from his eyes and mentally shaking himself. He knew that Steve hadn’t meant to hurt him, but the punch had hit far too close to home and all Tony could think of was Bucky leering over him.

Panic constricted Tony’s throat and he found himself beginning to hyperventilate.

_Not now._

_Please not now._

Steve watched in horror as his partner began to breathe rapidly, fear crossing his face as he collapsed to the floor. No matter how much he tried to breathe, no air seemed to be reaching his lungs and Tony could practically feel Bucky’s fists raining down on his chest, making it harder and harder to breathe. He was going to die.

“Tony, breathe for me Tony, please! You’re scaring me Tone, c’mon, just breathe! It’s ok, you’re ok, you’re safe here. You’re at home in the tower, I’ve got you.”

Tony pulled away from Steve’s hands when the super soldier tried to pull him into an embrace, letting out a startled yelp of pain when Steve unknowingly pressed a hand over one of his bruises. Tony curled up into a ball, sobbing brokenly and waiting for the onslaught of pain that was no doubt about to come. Occasional inhuman moans of fright escaped his lips and it took him at least ten minutes to finally regain control of his breathing.

“Tony? Are you with me Tone?” Gathering his thoughts, Tony looked up at Steve, relieved to see his bright blue eyes staring down at him, and not Bucky’s cold glare piercing into him.

“I-sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I guess I’m more on edge than I thought today.”

“Don’t apologise, it isn’t your fault! Do you want to talk about it?” Steve looked concerned as he cupped Tony’s face in his hands and gently kissed away the remaining tears that were clinging to his face.

“There’s nothing to talk about, I just had a nightmare last night and I’ve been on edge ever since. I’m fine now.”

Lying was all too easy and it worried Tony how easily he was able to hide away his feelings.

“Do you want to go out for dinner tonight? I’ve really missed you recently, we’ve hardly been able to spend any time together at all. Not that I’m blaming you, I just-I just need you right now.”

“I’m sorry Tony, but I have a meeting to go to in about twenty minutes and it’ll probably take all night to get everything covered. Maybe tomorrow?”

“I’m at a charity event. The day after?”

“Sure, sounds good. Love you Tony.” Steve leant forward and kissed Tony gently on the cheek before grabbing his gym towel and walking out to get ready for his meeting.

Tony watched him go with tears in his eyes.

* * *

"So, looks like Steve finally gave you what you deserve, you little slut!” Bucky grabbed Tony by the collar of his baggy jumper and pushed him to his knees, better to examine his heavily bruised nose and black eye. He had found Tony in one of the many conference rooms going over some neglected paperwork. “It looks like he’s come to his senses and is doing my job for me. I knew he’d see sense sometime soon.”

“Just fuck off would you, I’m really not in the mood to put up with your shit today!” Tony drawled, trying to get back to his feet and swearing when Bucky pushed him right back down again.

“Don’t you talk to me like that, you piece of shit!” Bucky kicked Tony hard in the side making Tony gasp in pain.

“Please, I really - ” Tony froze mid-sentence when he saw Bucky begin to fiddle with his belt. This was not good…so not good.

“It’s time for both of us to put you in your place, me and Steve. You see, Tony, although you might have money, and power, you are nothing but vermin. A hole for Steve to use as and when he pleases – and now you are going to service me as well. You’re going to suck me off and help me realise what Steve sees in you, because from my perspective, your only redeeming feature must be that you are good in bed. That’s the only reason that Steve would keep you around for. Because you are nothing. Understand?”

Tony pulled himself out of Bucky’s grasp and stumbled to his feet, cowering back for a moment before blocking a few punches that Bucky threw his way.

“There’s no use trying to fight back Tony, we both know that I am stronger than you. We can do this the easy way or the hard way, and no funny business. If you even think about biting me I will skin Natasha and Clint alive in front of you. And don’t think that I won’t. I’ve done far worse to people and you know it.”

Cowering and shaking his head frantically, Tony found himself being forced back to the floor. He couldn’t’ do this. He couldn’t let this happen. Tears flowed freely down his face as he watched Bucky pull his rock hard member out of his trousers. He clearly got off on seeing Tony cry. Psychopath.

“Please – p-please? I don’t want to, this is rape, sexual assault. You can’t make me do this!”

“Oh, but I can. And I will.” Bucky forced himself into Tony’s mouth, not giving the man time to adjust to his considerable girth before thrusting his hips as hard and as fast as he could. Tears streamed down Tony’s gaunt cheeks as he sat there motionless, trying his best to zone out and to block the horrors of what was happening from his mind.

Bucky was large, far larger than Steve both in terms of girth and length and he tasted dreadful. He managed to hit Tony’s tonsils with each thrust, making Tony gag and squirm and preventing him from ignoring what was happening. His jaw ached after just a couple of minutes and he could feel himself beginning to choke.

“Now come on, I know that you can do better than that!” Bucky snarled, pulling out from Tony’s mouth and punching him hard in his already black eye. He no longer had to be careful – Steve wouldn’t ask questions about Tony’s black eye, because he thought he was the one who had accidentally caused it.

Tony whimpered weakly but when Bucky forced his cock back into Tony’s mouth he began to bob his head in earnest. He only took a couple of inches at a time, wary of Bucky’s hand tight in his hair, but for now Bucky seemed to be happier with his performance.

“Suck harder, hollow out your cheeks, I want you to feel every inch of me. You don’t deserve my cock, so you better damn appreciate the overly-generous gift I am giving you.” Tony took a couple of extra inches in and hollowed out his cheeks, grimacing at the taste in his mouth and trembling violently. It took every ounce of his willpower to not throw up right there and then.

“That’s it, such a good little hole for me, aren’t you? I could get used to this. Bet you love it, don’t you? You fucking slut, bet you love sucking on my huge cock. Can’t get enough, can you? I bet you’re hard, aren’t you?”

Tony’s eyes widened frantically when Bucky pulled his cock out again and knelt down so that he could fondle Tony through his trousers. Tony was completely flaccid, which Bucky didn’t like, and to his horror the super soldier pulled his trousers down and shoved a hand down his boxers.

“Now we can’t be having that, can we? My little slut not enjoying himself?”

“Please don’t, don’t do this” I’ll suck you off, just don’t touch me!” Bucky’s fingers seemed to burn everywhere they touched, making Tony’s breath hitch as he felt himself being contaminated. Bucky was violating him in the most intimate way, touching where only Steve had the right to touch, marking and contaminating Tony. It felt as though Bucky’s hand was wiping away all of Steve’s past touches and like he was stripping part of Tony away.

Tony sobbed as Bucky stroked him to hardness, his body betraying him when fondled gently and caressed. His mind was screaming NO, NO, NO, but there was nothing he could do as shame crashed over him. How could he be enjoying this? He should not be enjoying this. He wasn’t. He hated every moment. He wanted to throw himself under scalding hot water and to scrub his skin with neat bleach until Bucky’s touch was washed away, yet he was hard and he couldn’t help but whimper in pleasure as Bucky ran a gentle finger over his slit.

“That’s more like it, so good for me Tony. Maybe I do understand what Steve sees in you. You’re so responsive, such an eager little cock slut.”

Tony bowed his head and closed his eyes, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as he waited for Bucky to grow bored of manhandling him.

The super soldier didn’t stop and when he thrust a dry finger into Tony’s hole and mercilessly began to rub Tony’s prostate, the genius came in a matter of moments. Tony’s gasp of pleasure mixed with his heaving sobs and it was all he could do to not scream.

He had never known that it was possible to feel so violated.

Just when Tony thought that his humiliation was over, Bucky forced himself back into Tony’s mouth, thrusting like a wild animal until Tony was gagging. A mixture of crying and having his throat constricted meant that the older man’s vision was going foggy from a lack of oxygen. Tony wished for the merciful blackness that would come with passing out, but it never came. Every time Bucky saw that Tony was slipping past the edge of consciousness, he would pull out and wipe his cock over Tony’s lips, making him kiss his tip before taking him back in again. This gave Tony a few moments to gasp in deep breaths before his airway was blocked again.

“So good Tony, see, you can be a good boy for me. Don’t you want to please me?”

Tony shook his head in defiance and was rewarded with Bucky grabbing his head and forcing him to take his entire cock. All ten inches entered Tony’s throat until Tony’s face was pressed into Bucky’s pubic hair and he writhed frantically. Bucky smirked and pinched Tony’s nose, blocking his only way of taking in air.

Tony couldn’t breathe. He was choking. He was going to die in the most humiliating way possible.

Just as Tony was about to pass out, Bucky pulled out of Tony’s mouth and let go of his nose, laughing when Tony fell to the floor and curled up, gasping frantically for air.

“Please…”

Bucky didn’t give Tony the chance to finish his plea, thrusting back in even more frantically than before until he began to shoot his load straight down Tony’s throat.

“Yes, oh Steve, fuck yes, feels so good, you’re so good for me baby…Steve!!” Bucky had closed his eyes and seemed to be imagining Steve beneath him. The thought made Tony feel sick and he scrambled away, gagging at the taste of Bucky in his mouth and spitting out what little saliva remained in his mouth. He half imagined that he could feel the rest of Bucky’s cum travelling down his throat and into his stomach, contaminating him like a sickness.

He threw up all over the floor and watched through his tears as Bucky turned and left him on the floor, crying and dry heaving.

* * *

It took at least fifteen minutes before Tony felt able to pick himself up off the floor, and when he did he almost fainted when blood rushed to his head and made the world spin.

Right.

Food.

He hadn’t eaten in a couple of days.

Tony vaguely remembered that JARVIS had nagged him to eat something yesterday, and in the morning, and at lunch, for that matter, but Tony had ignored all of his warnings and had eventually put JARVIS on mute, with the exception of Avenger’s duties being announced.

The thought of eating made Tony want to throw up again, but he knew realistically that he should at least have a sugary coffee. He was shaking uncontrollably and he knew that he was probably going into shock. Now was not the time to self-destruct.

Tony made his way to the kitchen one step at a time after tucking himself back into his boxers and pulling his trousers up. The sensation of cold cum under his t-shirt, sweater and trousers was unpleasant, but he had faced worse. He wiped his mouth and swallowed heavily.

Life had to go on.

Tony couldn’t let this defeat him.

He was a fighter.

A survivor…

Tony’s legs buckled when he got halfway to the kitchen and he found himself sobbing again. He could practically feel Bucky in his mouth still and his jaw ached dully as he cried. It took another few minutes for Tony to regain control, and steeling himself he made his way into the kitchen.

Tony felt as though he was almost in a trance as he set about making his coffee, not noticing when Bruce entered the room. It was late, gone two in the morning – he certainly hadn’t been expecting company.

“Tony?” Tony let out a startled shout of fear at the voice behind him, dropping his mug and flinching as it shattered against the floor.

“Tony? Shit! Are you ok? You look awful!” Bruce took a step forwards, hands held up in a universal sign of surrender. “Tony? What happened? Have you been crying? What happened to your eye?”

The questions all rolled into one and Tony blinked helplessly before passing out into Bruce’s outstretched arms.

* * *

When Tony woke he found himself in the recovery position on the kitchen floor, with Bruce’s dressing gown folded under his head.

“Tony? Just take it easy, try and take some slow deep breaths for me, ok?”

“I-I-, it’s not what it looks like, I-. I’m fine, just a bit woozy, I-"

“Tony, please don’t lie to me. I’m your friend, you can talk to me. Who gave you a black eye Tony?”

“What? Nobody, I must have got it when I fainted just now-I-”

“Tony, that’s a lie and we both know it. You had that black eye before you fell, and besides, I caught you. Please talk to me, I can help you! Is someone threatening you? Were you kidnapped again, because I thought JARVIS was set to alert us if you were in danger?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. I just walked into a door earlier. Haven’t eaten today so I’m a bit clumsy.”

“Tony-” Bruce’s voice had taken on a warning tone, but he drew back when Tony snapped at him angrily.

“JUST DROP IT, OK? If I say I’m fine, which I do, then I am fine! Just back the fuck off, Bruce! I don’t want to talk to you, or anybody for that matter. Just leave me be!”

“Please Tony, I can help you, just tell me what’s going on. You’ve been so quiet recently, not to mention withdrawn. I’ve barely seen you this last couple of months!”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Tony, let me help you, I’m begging you -”

“I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP! JUST GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!” Tony stood and swayed momentarily, righting himself by leaning on a counter before storming out of the kitchen, coffee long since forgotten.

* * *

“I really think he needs our help, something is wrong, I just can’t put my finger on it. Tony has an awful black eye right now – you don’t, you don’t think that Steve is abusing him do you? I mean, that punch must have taken a lot of force to bruise up so severely in such a short amount of time. As in a superhuman amount of force…”

“The Man of Iron has been acting most strange of late, he was startled earlier when Clint and I pranked him. He did not take it well at all, perhaps we frightened him?”

“Yeah, Thor’s right, he looked like he was going to shit himself when we woke him, I knew I should have said something more at the time. But Steve? I mean, he loves Tony? Right?”

“Who knows, love is a strange thing.” Natasha’s voice was low, but her comment raised a lot of questions.

“So what do we do about it?”

“We need to talk to Steve, Tony clearly isn’t going to open up. He is far too prideful for that.” Clint muttered, serious for the first time in weeks.

* * *

Bruce had interrupted Steve’s meeting and practically dragged the super soldier into the communal living space, using all of his self-control not to Hulk out.

“So, Captain, do you have anything you want to tell us?”

“Bruce, I have no idea what all this is about, but that was an important strategy meeting, you can’t just pull me out of it for no good reason.”

“What about your boyfriend? Is he a good enough reason?!”

“Tony? What’s going on?”

“You tell us!” Clint snarled, moving into Steve’s space and crowding him. Turns out the goofball is surprisingly good at intimidation.

“I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Tony’s black eye, for starters. That and the fact that he has been acting strange for weeks. If you have laid one finger on him, so help me I will-” Natasha left the rest of her tirade unspoken. Steve could fill in the blanks.

“Oh, that. That was an accident. He surprised me when I was in the gym, I punched him straight in the face. Must have been harder than I thought though, to give him a black eye.”

The other Avengers exchanged unconvinced looks.

“Wait, just ask JARVIS. He’ll tell you.”

“JARVIS? Is what Steve says true?”

“Yes Agent Romanoff, he is speaking the truth. _Steve_ has not been harming Mr Stark.” Was Bruce imagining things or did JARVIS put emphasis on the name Steve, as if someone else was hurting Tony?

Everyone backed down, still sharing suspicious glances but concluding that perhaps they had come to the wrong conclusion.

“So what is going on with Tony? This still doesn’t explain why he is acting so out of character.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I promise I’ll talk to him. I’ll let you know if I find anything out.”

The Avengers left the room in uneasy silence as they made their way back to their respective bedrooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, I really love hearing from you all so much !


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness I just had such a nightmare. Had to repost this chapter which meant that I lost all of your amazing comments, at least 20 of them. I am absolutely devastated and I am so sorry :( I hope that you all managed to read my replies before they were deleted. There was nothing I could do because everything froze and messed up :( Literally so sad. But anyway, enjoy this chapter if you haven't read it already :)

“Tony? Can I come in?” Tony groaned when he heard Steve calling him from outside his bedroom door. He was still in the shower, and had been for the last fifty minutes, viciously scrubbing his body with the roughest cloth that he could find. No matter how hard he rubbed soap over his body, he couldn’t wash away the feeling of Bucky’s hands on his skin and although he had brushed his teeth and used mouthwash at least five times, he could still taste the super soldier’s cum.

Every time Tony thought about it he gagged and although he had nothing left in his stomach to throw up, that didn’t stop him from curling up in the corner of the shower stall and dry heaving. The water bearing down on him was scalding hot but Tony barely realised that he was practically burning himself. His skin was beet-red and areas of his groin were bleeding from how hard he had scrubbed himself.

Tony couldn’t bring himself to care.

“TONY!”

Shit, right. Steve was outside. Tony should probably do something about that.

“Gimme a break Steve, can’t a man have a shower in peace without being summoned. Unless New York is falling down, please just leave me be!”

“Please Tony, I just want to talk. I know I haven’t had much time for you recently, but I’m here now and I’m really worried about you. Something’s wrong Tony, and I can’t do anything to help you unless I know what it is! Just talk to me, my love, please?”

“I’m fine Steve, just having a shower. Please just leave me alone, I’m really not in the mood.”

“Is this about me hitting you, because you know that was an accident, right? I’d never hurt you! Please open up to me?”

“DON’T YOU DARE! OPEN UP TO YOU, I GIVE YOU FUCKING EVERYTHING I HAVE AND IT IS NEVER ENOUGH!” Tony bellowed through the closed door of the bathroom, anger coursing through him as he punched the wall of his shower as hard as he could. Pain blossomed through his wrist and knuckles but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“TONY! YOU NEED TO TALK TO ME! GIMME SOMETHING TONY, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE HELL TO GET THROUGH TO YOU! YOU ARE HURTING, AND YOU NEED HELP! I AM NOT GOING TO WATCH YOU GO INTO A DOWNWARD SPIRAL AGAIN!”

Tony burst out of the bathroom wearing an oversized dressing gown that covered his scorched skin. His eyes were wild with anger and before he knew what was happening he was pummelling his fists against Steve’s chest. How could Steve let this happen to him? This was the man who was supposed to protect him from everything, hell, protect America and the world from everything, and he hadn’t even noticed that his own boyfriend was being abused right under his nose. By his best friend! Maybe he did know and just didn’t care. What if Steve was in on it, and simply didn’t care that Bucky was hurting him.

Tony broke down as he continued to punch Steve with all of his might, sobbing and gasping for air as Steve calmly took his wrists and held them together with one hand, using his other arm to pull Tony into a hug. Tony struggled meekly for a couple of moments, but eventually gave in, allowing himself to crumble against Steve’s rock hard chest and to bury his face into Steve’s top. Steve, to his credit, didn’t bat an eyelid. None of Tony’s punches had hurt the super soldier, other than making him realise just how much his partner was hurting emotionally. He stroked Tony’s back softly, rubbing circles into his tense muscles and waiting for Tony to unwind a little before speaking again.

“Shhh, it’s ok Tone, it’s ok. I’ve got you, it’s ok. Please just talk to me. I love you Tony, just tell me what’s wrong. No matter what it is, I am here for you. I promise that nothing you can say will upset me, I just want you to be happy.”

“I-I need to talk to you. A-about Bucky.”

“About James? What do you mean? You don’t-” Steve went pale and his eyes widened. “Oh god. All that time you’ve been spending together- I know the others said that he was keeping you company a lot, going to the lab and all that…but…Tony, how could you?” Steve pushed Tony away, eyes flashing wild with betrayal as tears filled them.

“No, Steve – I-that’s not….I’m not having an affair – I-”

“Can it, Tony, I’m not going to listen to this. I can’t listen to this. I trusted you Tony! I ignored everybody’s warnings, defended you when they said that you would cheat! How could you do this to me? After all that we’ve been through, after everything I’ve done for you!” Steve’s voice rose louder and louder with every word, completely drowning out Tony’s pleas for Steve to just listen to him.

“Steve, will you just listen to me, please!” Tony had taken a few steps back from Steve, tears streaming down his cheeks as his entire body shuddered and quaked. Steve’s raised voice was making him panic and it took all that Tony had left to not break down.

“I-Fine. Just, I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“Steve, I’m not having an affair. I love you, I could never do that to you. You know how I feel about you. It’s not like that at all. You-you have to promise me that you won’t get mad when I say this.”

“I can’t make a promise like that Tone, but ok, just tell me.”

“I really don’t know how to say this to make it any better, but Bucky – he isn’t the man that you think he is. I know that he’s your childhood friend, your best friend, but I think he’s changed. I think that HYDRA changed him – I. He- he can’t stay here anymore Steve, I can’t take it. I don’t want to hurt you, and I really don’t want to talk about this, but I need you to understand. He-God, I don’t know how to say this. He’s hurting me, Steve. I-he-I can’t – just – please don’t make me explain?” Tony looked up at Steve beseechingly, tears continuing to fall down his cheeks.

“What do you mean hurting you? Are you seriously telling me that all of this is about you being jealous? I’m sorry if my spending time with someone else other than you is upsetting you, but I can’t give up everything for you Tony. I know that you have a reputation for being selfish, but I never really saw it. Until now. You couldn’t just swallow your own pride for me, to allow me one piece of happiness, the only person from my past?!”

“One piece of happiness? I thought you were happy with me? Stupid of me, huh, to think that I could ever be enough for you. The whole time we have been together you have been searching for Bucky – so what if I am jealous. I mean, that’s not what this is about, but if that’s what you want to think then fine! I’m done. Get out of my room Steve, I can’t talk to you right now!”

“No, we need to talk about this Tony! You can’t just have a go at my best friend and expect me to be fine with it. For once can you just stop being a selfish, stubborn asshole?” Steve bellowed, making Tony flinch back and cower.

Before Steve knew what was happening his boyfriend was sprinting past him. Tony had clearly summoned one of his suits, because pieces of metal were flying towards Tony and in no time at all he was fully kitted out as Iron Man. The genius didn’t look back before flying straight out of the room and leaving Steve gawping.

* * *

Anger was coursing through Tony’s veins. It had taken him weeks to open up to Steve, to tell his partner about Bucky, and he hadn’t even been able to get a quarter of his story out before Steve had shot him down. And to accuse Tony of cheating – with Bucky?! Tony’s stomach rolled with a mixture of fury, shame and anger. How on earth would Steve react if he found out that he’d given Bucky a blowjob? Of course it wasn’t voluntary, hell, it had been sexual assault, rape, even, but if he had reacted that way just thinking that Bucky had hurt Tony’s feelings, how would he react if he accused Bucky of rape?

Not well.

Tears streamed down Tony’s face as he flew across New York City, ducking and diving through the air until for the first time in a long time, he began to feel some semblance of freedom. It took him a good forty minutes to regain control of his breathing and crying, but Tony was eventually beginning to see things clearer. He just had to bite the bullet and tell Steve everything. No matter how much he didn’t want to discuss the other day, he was going to have to. It was the only way that he would be able to get Steve to listen. And he could just take off his clothes, show Steve the bruises and cuts that were littering his chest and side, the finger-shaped bruises covering his shoulders and hips from when Bucky had pinned him down. It was simple. He had evidence.

Tony could do this.

Tony would do this.

Now.

* * *

Just as Tony span through the air and began to fly back in the direction of the tower, JARVIS’ alarm system kicked in.

“Sir, there has been an attack on 23rd Street, the Avengers are assembling as we speak.”

“Shit, thanks J. I’m on my way.” Tony swooped down to the street in question, swearing under his breath when he saw Hulk going ape-shit beneath him and a blur of red and blue as Steve launched his shield at the Doombot that was causing havoc below.

Tony flew in-between the buildings, ducking and dodging streetlamps and pedestrians as he launched a series of pulse beams, missiles and repulsor rays at the bot. He so couldn’t be bothered to deal with this, but having had plenty of practice with these machines, it didn’t take long for the team to take the bot down. The only problem came when the bot began to fall from the sky. It was plummeting at over a hundred miles per hour towards a building.

For a brief second Tony considered just how easy it would be to throw himself under the bot’s weight. Despite his armour, the bot was more than heavy enough to crush him. It would be quick. So quick that Tony wouldn’t even have time to experience the excruciating pain of being crushed before he died. He could end this all right now. So easily. It would take a matter of seconds. One more boost of power and it would all be over. He wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. Wouldn’t have to confess to Steve about how weak he was. How he had let this happen to him. Bucky would never place another finger on him, and Steve would be free to live the rest of his life in peace. Hell, without Tony in the equation, maybe Bucky would turn out to be a decent guy. It was clear that he loved Steve, wanted to be with him. And Steve loved Bucky to some extent. Probably even more than he loved Tony. They could be happy together.

“JARVIS, maximum power.” Tony flew forward as fast as he could, directing himself right into the bots falling path.

It would all be over now.

This was it.

I love you Steve.

* * *

Tony let out a scream of anguish when he felt massive, strong hands wrap around his waist and pull him away from the bot’s trajectory. It had only taken three seconds for all of this to happen, and before Tony could realise what had happened, he looked up and saw the Hulk’s snarling face above him.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Tony screamed and tried to pull away from Hulk, tears spilling down his cheeks. He had been so close. So, so close. God he was such a fuck up. He couldn’t’ even kill himself right. Shit.

Hulk laid Tony down on the floor and leant over him concernedly, letting out a growl of sorrow as Tony pulled himself into a sitting position.

“TONY!” Clint came sprinting over to Tony, closely followed by Natasha, and then Steve.

“What happened Stark? It looked like you were trying to fly right under that Doombot? What the hell?!” For the first time in her life, Natasha sounded almost hysterical. If she didn’t know better, she would have thought that Tony had just tried to commit suicide. But Tony wouldn’t do that. Would he?

“Sorry gang, didn’t mean to give you a fright. My stupid boot malfunctioned, sped up instead of slowed down. Good job Big Green was looking out for me, huh! Thanks buddy.” Tony forced a smile onto his face, even though his team couldn’t see it through his mask.

To be truthful, Tony felt numb. Now that he had got over the initial anger of being ‘saved,’ he felt hollow. His heart was racing and he was sweating uncontrollably, but everything in his head was scarily calm.

“Are you ok?” Steve looked concerned, his eyes uncertain as he leant forward and pulled Tony to his feet. Even though he had just fought with his boyfriend, the idea of losing him killed Steve and he felt like he was ready to pass out. 

“Yeah. Could do with a nap though, Captain. Hope you don’t mind, but I’m so going to skip de-briefing.”

“Tony!” Steve couldn’t remember the last time that Tony had called him Captain, and the formal title sent a dagger through Steve’s heart. He had really messed up.

Before anything else could be said, Tony flew off into the air and made his way back to the tower in record time. He just wanted to sleep – and preferably never wake up.

* * *

Three days.

Tony had been able to hide himself away in his lab for three days without being disturbed by Steve, who had walked away assuming that Tony needed space, and Bruce, who was more persistent. His fellow scientist had spent hours banging on his door, yelling at Tony and trying every override code that he knew, but eventually even he had given up on getting through to the genius.

It wasn’t until the fourth day that Tony eventually came out, shaking like a leaf as he hadn’t eaten a single thing in three days.

Bruce had found him in the kitchen, swaying alarmingly and listing against the kitchen counter as he heated up a tub of Clint’s homemade soup.

“Tony? Hey, it’s good to see you.” Bruce kept his voice low and gentle as he approached his friend, noticing how Tony still startled like a rabbit in the headlights when he approached.

“I’m fine. Just hungry.”

“Tony, I know what happened the other day. I know that your suit didn’t malfunction. Hulk has been devastated, I can feel him crying in the back of my mind. God Tone, why did you do it? I know things have been rocky between you and Steve recently, but you have so much to live for. Things will get better, we need you Tony. We love you. All of us do. The idea of you-” Bruce shuddered, tears welling up in his own eyes as he pulled Tony into a tight hug.

Tony buried his face into his fellow scientist’s chest, crying softly as the stress from the last few weeks came down on him like a tonne of bricks.

“I’m just so tired Bruce. It’s so hard. I have nothing left to give, I’ve given everything I can to Steve and I tried to talk to him and-” Tony broke off, rubbing his eyes fiercely and wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve.

“God Tony. I never knew you felt this way. I’m so sorry, I’ve let you down, we all have. I really think that you should talk to someone, not just me, maybe a therapist or something? Of course I am always here for you, but I think you need help. I’ll be with you every step of the way, I promise.”

“Thanks Bruce, but I’ll be fine. I’ve just got some things to sort out. Then I’ll be fine.” Tony turned away from his friend and grabbed his soup, which was now bubbling in its pan. He poured it into a bowl and excused himself, wandering back to his lab with an apologetic look at Bruce.

He just needed to be left alone.

* * *

Tony sat at his desk with his head in his hands, breathing heavily and running a hand agitatedly through his hair. His workload was steadily building up and no matter how much time he spent staring at his desk, he couldn’t seem to focus. He’d spent longer than ever in his lab, enjoying the illusion of safety, but he was completely on edge. Tony knew damn well that if Bucky wanted to get into his lab, he could. A few days ago Tony had tried to block the vent that Bucky used to gain entry into his personal haven, but the super soldier had splintered his attempt of sealing it off in less than two minutes.

Because of this, Tony was too tense to concentrate. His mind wandered and there was no way that he could get anything done when he half expected Bucky to turn up and make him – well, you get the idea.

And, as it turned out, Tony had every right to be on edge. Within the hour, Bucky had made his way back into Tony’s room. In a matter of minutes he had Tony tied down on his own bed, the genius not even bothering to put up a fight as he watched Bucky climb on top of him and undress.

He closed his eyes as Bucky began to rut against Tony’s groin, his hard cock rubbing up against’ Tony’s limp one until eventually he came all over the older man. Humiliation crept over Tony as he lay there, just waiting for it all to stop. But there was no good in fighting back. He’d never win.

“Such a good boy Tony, well done. So obedient now. I’ve broken you, haven’t I? You’re damaged goods. No wonder Steve doesn’t want you. You’re pathetic. But it’s ok Tony, I’ll always be here. And I’ll be seeing you later.” Bucky bent down and untied Tony before striding out of his bedroom as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn’t just violated Tony in the room where he normally slept lovingly with Steve.

Tony curled up into a ball, pulled Steve’s pillow over his head. He had no intention of ever moving again. He would just wait here until he passed out. Sleep never came, but this was still better than getting up and facing the world. At that moment in time, even Tony wouldn’t have been able to put on a mask and hide things from his team.

He couldn’t talk to Steve. Not after last time. He was alone. So fucking alone. And it cut deeper than it ever had before. But there was no way that he was going to make Steve loose Bucky. Captain America deserves so much more than that.

Tony, on the other hand, is getting his just desserts. He was a murderer, a killer and a merchant of death. This was his comeuppance.

Or at least, that is how he felt.

* * *

It wasn’t until three in the afternoon the next day that Tony finally forced himself out of bed. He’d still not slept and although he didn’t want to move, he realised that he couldn’t mope around all day. He threw himself into his work, knocking up a few blueprints for Phil to look over and began working on a new set of blades for Natasha. They were beautiful, perfectly streamlined and made out of the same material as his suit.

After all, he may as well do something useful with his fucked up life.

However, after he had dropped his screwdriver at least four times and knocked things flying off of his desk at least seven, he realised that he could no longer ignore the dizziness running through his brain. All he had eaten in the last five or so days was a bowl of soup and his body was beginning to fail him. Tony was no longer sure if he was shaking from anxiety, stress or from low blood pressure. Probably a combination of the three.

He made his way upstairs slowly, leaning against the wall every so often before he made his way into the kitchen. After ten minutes he had rustled up something resembling food – some plain pasta and a mug of steaming hot coffee, and he made his way into the lounge with it.

He only got through half of his pasta before Bucky came into the room. His eyes narrowed when he saw Tony on the sofa and before Tony could protest, he was pressed onto the floor. Bucky laced his fingers into Tony’s hair and forced his cock into his mouth. When the soldier ordered Tony to bob his head harder and faster, Tony did, forcing his mind away from the giant cock stretching his mouth and onto statistics and mathematical equations. Anything to escape. He couldn’t even bring himself to cry anymore, or to pull away. Tony had long since accepted his face. It would hurt a lot less this way.

Tony was so out of it that he didn’t notice Clint, Natasha and Bruce come into the communal lounge until he heard Clint’s shocked shout.

“Tony! What the hell man? What the actual fuck Stark? Bucky? What the hell are you doing?!”

Tony pulled away, and Bucky, the fucker, let him go. Made it look like he had been on his knees voluntarily, able to get away the whole time.

“N-no! It’s not what you think! Katniss-”

“Don’t you Katniss me, Tony! I swear, what the fuck! How could you do this to Steve? And you Bucky? Christ. I am so done. That’s it, I’m done. You better go tell Steve what’s going on before I do, because trust me, you won’t like what I have to say! I never really believed the papers, but I guess you really are just a disgusting little slut!” Clint stormed off, closely followed by Natasha, who shot Tony a glare that made his insides shrivel.

How could the others think that he would do this to Steve?

How could they believe that he would willingly-?

Tony hung his head. It was clear that his teammates, the people who he had come to regard as family, saw him as nothing more than a selfish asshole. They were no better than the media, taking things and twisting them and not bothering to see Tony for who he really is.

Well fuck them.

Fuck everything.

Tony didn’t even bother to look up when he heard Bruce sigh wearily, hunch his shoulders and walk out of the room. Although he could practically smell the disappointment coming from his science brother.

Ex-science brother.

But it didn’t matter.

Tony doesn’t need anyone anyway.

He’d been dealing with this on his own for weeks.

He would continue to do so. And let Clint talk to Steve, it wasn’t as if Tony was going to tell the truth. Not now that everyone had seen him sucking Bucky off. There was no way that Steve would believe him when the rest of the team had seen Tony on his knees taking everything that Bucky gave him like a slut. Not when he already had his suspicions about Tony having an affair.

Bucky snorted with laughter and began to stroke himself now that the others had gone, spurting come all over Tony’s face before walking away with a chuckle.  
 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness I just had such a nightmare. Had to repost chapter 5 which meant that I lost all of your amazing comments, at least 20 of them. I am absolutely devastated and I am so sorry :( I hope that you all managed to read my replies before they were deleted. There was nothing I could do because everything froze and messed up :( Literally so sad. Like genuinely cried :( 
> 
> But anyway, I hope that you enjoy this next chapter. Warnings for rape. Please don't forget to comment, I am in need of your lovely comments to cheer me up now :( So sad I lost them :(

Tony lay curled up into the smallest ball possible, hugging himself as he cried into his chest. He had practically buried himself under his duvet and hadn’t moved from his bed in hours. Nothing mattered anymore, and there was no point in moving. There was nothing left. Nothing.

In the space of a few months Tony had lost his boyfriend, his only friends and every tiny scrap of self-esteem that he had once owned. To put it simply, Tony wanted nothing more than to die. For all of this to stop. He wanted to curl up in the darkness, never to be disturbed again until eventually his body shut down, like he deserved, and everything just came to an end. Because it’s hard. It’s so, so fucking hard and he just wants it to stop. Before, Tony had had something to fight for. There was Steve, his perfect boyfriend who he would have done anything for. And then there was Clint, one of the closest friends he had ever had. The one person who he could just mess around with, pranking the others and sassing at each other into the early hours. And Bruce, oh god Bruce. One of the most intelligent men that Tony had ever met, who would join Tony in sciency-marathons and test theories with into the early hours. And who could forget Nat, always there to offer Tony words of advice or to join him in getting revenge on Clint for various pranks. There had been Pepper and Thor, who although often absent, still meant the world to him.

But now he had none of them.

They all hated him.

Thought that he was a cheat and a liar, and to be honest that cut Tony far deeper than anything Bucky had been able to do to him.

“Sir, I am sorry to interrupt you, but your blood sugar levels are dangerously low. You are literally starving yourself, I implore you to eat. Please?” Tony registered the concern in his AIs voice but couldn’t bring himself to care. He barely had the energy to raise his head or a hand, let alone to make his way to the kitchen. His body felt at least 500 pounds heavier than usual and every time he so much as moved a few millimetres, stars burst into his vision and erupted before him.

Nope, definitely not moving any time soon.

“L’me’lone, m’sleepin’” Tony’s mouth felt heavy, as if someone had crammed it full of material and it was far too difficult to form coherent words. He didn’t have the willpower, desire or energy.

“Tony, please. I really must insist that you seek help. I believe that you are in a depressive state, I am worried for your well being, and I strongly dislike seeing you like this and being unable to help.”

“D’need help. Nobody cares. J’st lemme die. H’d en’gh. Wanna sleep.”

“Sir, I am going to initiate protocol 8129b, I don’t believe that you are in a fit state to be making decisions, and your judgement is severely lacking at present.”

“No, don’t!” Tony peeled his eyes open and rolled over, moaning softly but forcing himself upright to prove his AI wrong. “M’fine. See? Don’t need anyone. J’st tired. Will eat first, then bed. M’fine. Ban you from using protocol. N’t allowed. No telling anyone anything either."

“As you wish, sir.” Yep, JARVIS was pissed. Very pissed.

Tony groaned as he forced himself to his feet, into his lab and over to his desk. He was sure that he’d left a cereal bar in one of his drawers, he just needed to find it.

That would stop J from nagging.

Tony fumbled with the handle of his desk drawer and found himself passing out before he could so much as open it.

* * *

Steve sat on the roof with his legs hanging over the building, his entire body shaking with silent sobs. Clint was beside him, rubbing his hand over the other man’s shoulder blades as he continued telling Steve what had happened. It looked like Stark didn’t even have the common decency to tell Steve himself, so Clint had taken the liberty of breaking the news.

“I don’t understand. I mean, I suspected for a while, don’t get me wrong. I know that Tony has been acting strangely recently, and that he and Buck have been spending a long time together. But I don’t understand how he could do this to me. After everything. And Bucky? How could he betray me like that? I feel like my entire life is falling apart. My best friend and my boyfriend cheating on me behind my back, I just-” Steve’s voice branched off as he let another muffled sob out. He buried his face into his sleeve and wiped angrily at his face, springing to his feet and beginning to pace around the roof to let off some pent up aggression.

“I don’t know man. I know Tony has a reputation, but I have to admit that I never thought he’d do that. You should have seen the look on his face when we caught him. He looked like he was going to be sick. I know it sounds strange, but I don’t think he wanted to hurt you. He looked so scared at the idea of you finding out, I mean obviously that doesn’t make this any easier or make the situation any better, but…I just thought that you should know.”

“I appreciate it Clint, I really do. It was best to find out this way. I think if I’d have seen…that…happen, I’d have killed both of them right there and then.”

“You have every right to be angry, I would be. Hell, I’m angry for you. I just don’t know what we can do. You should really talk to Tony. I think you two have a lot to discuss.”

“You’re probably right. I’ll go down at some point, I just need a bit more time to calm down. I don’t want to do anything that I’ll regret. Right now I think if I even look at Tony, I will bash his face in.”

Clint nodded in understanding, and after briefly clasping Steve’s shoulder, he went back to his room to chat with Nat.

Steve followed behind him, making his way to the gym so that he could let out some pent up aggression before interrogating Tony.

* * *

“JARVIS! What the hell man, why is the sprinkler going off? Stop that, turn it off! You are soaking my paperwork!” Bruce jumped to his feet and scrambled around his science lab, pulling his paperwork out of harm’s way and hastily shoving as much of it as he could into various drawers.

“Knock it off! Why are you setting those off, there’s no fire!”

“I was merely trying to get your attention.”

“There are easier ways of doing that without flooding my damn room!”

“Yes, well.” Was that anger in JARVIS’ tone?

“What’s going on? Is it something to do with Tony? Because I am really not in the mood right now. He made his bed, now he can lay in it.”

“I am not at liberty to say.”

“Then why are you giving me an impromptu shower?”

“Do you want me to go and see Tony, is this what this is about?”

JARVIS remained silent, but turned off the sprinklers.

“Is he hurt? Should I go to the lab?” Bruce finally managed to find it in himself to feel sorry for his friend. Even though Tony had clearly been cheating, it was clear that it was chewing the billionaire up. I mean, he had pretty much attempted suicide over it, surely that explained the incident with the Doombot? And the look on his face when he’d been caught – well, Bruce wouldn’t put it past the genius to try and do something stupid again.

“That would be up to you, Dr Banner, but may I just recite a quote by Sir’s favourite philosopher?”

Bruce looked confused but nodded to thin air, hoping that JARVIS would just spit it out.

“Things are not always what they seem.” JARVIS’ voice gave nothing away, but Bruce couldn’t shake the sense of foreboding that washed over him.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Is there something going on that I don’t know about, because if you want me to help, I need to know what issue I am trying to solve.”

Bruce was met with stony silence, so with a sigh he made his way down to Tony’s lab.

* * *

“Shit! Stark?” Bruce ran over to Tony’s desk where the genius was passed out, his head was lolling awkwardly and there was a pool of blood around Tony’s head. It looked like he had fallen on top of his desk and crumpled into a heap. What the hell.

Bruce knelt down next to Stark and quickly took his pulse, the fear in his stomach lurching when he realised that it was weak and thready.

“C’mon Tony, wake up, come on…” Bruce quickly rolled Tony into the recovery position, supporting his head and pressing a clean handkerchief to it to stem the blood flow. There was a gash in Tony’s forehead, but thankfully it didn’t look too deep.

“Tony?”

Bruce grabbed a half-empty bottle of water from Tony’s desk and flicked a few droplets of water over his face, watching concernedly as Tony stirred a little and let out a choked whimper.

“Please don’t, please?”

“Tony? What’s going on?” Bruce placed a hand on Tony’s side in an attempt to help him sit up, but Tony let out a shrill screech of fear. He batted Bruce’s hand away, tears flooding down his gaunt face as he began to hyperventilate. Bruce pulled back and raised his hands to show that he meant no harm, but Tony was in no fit state to realise. He had clambered away so that he was practically cowering under his desk, holding himself in a defensive position and shielding his stomach from an oncoming blow.

“Tony?” Bruce looked stricken, his face paling when he took in how gaunt Tony was, how his eye sockets seemed far more hollow than usual and how his usually tight-fitting jumper was now oversized and baggy. When was the last time that the older man had eaten?

“Tony, I’m not going to hurt you, you’re safe. You’re in the lab, nobody can hurt you here.”

Tony ignored Bruce, sobbing frantically into his arms as his breath hitched and he struggled to regain control. He knew that whoever was with him wasn’t Bucky, but he couldn’t place the other man. His mind was shutting down, his vision was blurring and nothing made sense. His chest was pounding and it was almost impossible to draw breath.

All of a sudden Tony felt like he was back in the cave. He couldn’t breathe, there was a cloth over his face, soaked through with ice cold water and preventing him from breathing. He was going to die, the world was spinning and…

“Tony!”

Tony’s head snapped up and he glanced up at Bruce with wide eyes, finally managing to draw in a shaky breath.

“Tony? What is it? What’s wrong?”

“What? What’s wrong? What the hell do you think is wrong?! I-he-Bucky-I can’t…” Tony rolled onto his side and began to dry heave, nothing but stomach acid coming up as he struggled to maintain his grip on reality.

“What about Bucky? Is this about the affair? I mean, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me but I’m sure that we can sort this out, one way or another. There’s no need to get so worked up, c’mon, breathe with me. You must have known this was coming?”

“I, how could you think? You’re just as bad as the rest of them! You really think that I-” Tony stumbled to his feet, black spots half blinding him as his body adjusted to being upright again. “I thought that you all cared for me? I thought that you loved me, that you are my family, but-” Tony’s voice tapered off as a broken sob escaped his lips. “I invited you into my home, did everything I could to make you all happy and comfortable, to make you all feel welcome, loved and wanted and you think that I-…I thought that you would be here for me, that I could tell you anything. Tell Steve anything, and you all just-” Tony couldn’t bring himself to finish his sentence, shoulders slumping as he leant heavily against his desk for support.

“I don’t understand what you are talking about, Tony, if you had something to say why didn’t you just tell us?”

“It isn’t that easy.”

“Of course it is, just tell me what is wrong and I will sort it out. You know that I’ll help you Tony.”

“No, I don’t. I used to know that you would help me through anything, but not anymore. Please leave, Bruce. Just leave me alone.” Tony buried his head in his shaking hands and concentrated on keeping his breathing steady as Bruce turned and left the room. He knew better than to argue with Tony when he was like this – it was clear that Stark needed some time alone. Whatever was going on, Tony clearly felt unable to tell him, and not for the first time, Bruce began to wonder what he was missing.

* * *

Meanwhile, Steve destroyed his fourth punching bag of the day. Even though Tony had spent hours creating new prototypes for Steve, even the latest models couldn’t stand up to his pent up aggression. His head was reeling and every time he blinked or closed his eyes, all he could imagine was Tony on his knees with his lips wrapped around Bucky.

The lips that Tony had used to tell Steve that he loved him. The lips that had done the same thing to Steve on countless occasions, bringing him previously unknown pleasure, which had kissed him and soothed him after a mission and which spoke to him into the early hours when sleep eluded them both.

How could Tony do this to him?

A few silent tears streamed down Steve’s face and he barely noticed Bucky entering the room until the super soldier walked right in front of him.

“You!” Steve lunged for Bucky, punching him hard across the face before pulling back and realising what he had done.

“Steve! Steve baby, please just hear me out. I know how this must seem to you, but don’t you see, I have been doing this all for you!”

“You have been sleeping with my boyfriend for me?! How on earth did you work that one out, Buck, because I am seriously struggling with your logic?”

“I never wanted to, Steve. But I had to, I love you Steve. I always have. I had to prove to you that Tony isn’t loyal, that he is a cheat and a filthy piece of scum. See, if he was willing to cheat on you with his best friend, then he doesn’t deserve you. Every second sickened me, trust me. I hated every moment, but I had to let you know. Had to make you see just what I would do to woo you, Steve. I love you with all of my heart. We can be together now, together forever. That’s what you want too, isn’t it? I can see it in your eyes. I know that you feel the same way about me. You love me too, right?”

“Oh god. Bucky no! I don’t understand, how could you think? I never loved you, not in that way. You know that, and how on earth could I ever trust you again? You slept with my boyfriend! You’re just as bad as he is, you are equally to blame, I-I can’t believe this. I-” Steve growled and began to pace, running a hand through his hair and throwing a few more punches at a nearby punching bag.

“No, Steve! You do, you love me too, I know that you do!” Bucky surged forwards, grabbing Steve and pushing him to the wall, pressing his back against the wall and kissing him, frantically trying to gain entry into Steve’s mouth. To be accepted.

Steve pushed Bucky away with all of his might before storming out of the room, rubbing his mouth angrily and wondering whether Tony was right. He’d said that Bucky wasn’t the man he once was. I mean, he had just tried to force himself on Steve. They had never been romantic or intimate, what if HYDRA had done something to him, twisted him into something unrecognisable. What if Steve had just been too blind to see it?

Anger coursed through Steve as he wallowed in layers of betrayal. No matter what, this didn’t excuse Tony. His boyfriend had cheated, and Steve didn’t think that he had it in him to forgive him.

With a sigh Steve made his way to his room, curled up in bed and put his headphones on, telling JARVIS to mute all notifications as he closed his eyes and tried to make sense of things in his head.

* * *

Tony sat in the local 24 hour café nursing the same coffee that he had ordered an hour ago. It was stone cold and bitter, but Tony hadn’t even noticed. He knew that he had needed to get out of the tower, but he had nowhere else to go. Which is why Tony was currently sat in the local greasy spoon, tucked away in a quiet corner with tears leaking down his cheeks. The waitress had come over and asked him whether he was ok at least two or three times, but Tony just kept nodding and sending her away.

Which is why he was pissed off when she came back over again.

“Hello sir, sorry to interrupt again but your boyfriend is here. He is insisting on seeing you.”

Steve? Steve was here? Tony looked up with a hopeful expression glistening in his eyes, nodding at the waitress and telling her to let his boyfriend come over.

But Steve wasn’t the one who had turned up.

It was Bucky.

“You? I thought?” Tony got to his feet and quickly strode past Bucky and out onto the street, panic rippling through him when he realised how late it had become. It was well into the early hours and the streets were empty, with no one around as far as he could see. He was alone with Bucky.

“What do you want? Can’t you just leave me be, you’ve already destroyed my life, aren’t you satisfied yet? I have nothing else. You’ve won, you’ve broken me. Congratulations, you have done what you set out to achieve. So why don’t you just fuck off now, ok?”

Bucky lunged at Tony, a look of wild rage in his eyes. He looked like a wild animal, savage and dangerous and even Tony had never seen him like this before.

“Stop, please!” Tony panicked when Bucky pushed him down a side alley, smashing his head against a wall and pushing him down beside a dumpster. Tony’s vision swam and he couldn’t even let out a startled yelp before Bucky shoved something into his mouth. Tony panicked when he felt the material blocking his airway and struggled to breathe through his nose as the panic mounted. All he could think about was the cloth bags that had been used to cover his face as he was waterboarded and tears began to roll down his face.

Every ounce of fight had left Tony. He knew he had no chance at winning in hand to hand combat, even when he was in peak condition, let alone when he was weak, malnourished, tired and hadn’t eaten. He never had gotten round to that cereal bar, what with passing out, and he was still running off of that soup he’d had days ago.

“You don’t understand, do you Tony. You have destroyed everything, taken away everything that I have ever wanted. You have ruined my life, and if I can’t have Steve, I am going to take you!” With that Bucky pulled down Tony’s trousers, yanked his boxers off and forced the genius onto his hands and knees with his ass in the air. He placed his metal hand on the small of Tony’s back, preventing him from moving, and without any warning he forced three fingers into Tony’s unprepped hole.

Tony howled into the cloth in his mouth, whimpering at the burning sensation of being roughly stretched. He hadn’t had sex in weeks and when he and Steve were together he usually topped.

Whenever he did bottom, Steve was always so gentle with him, fingering him for ages while stroking him to hardness and eating him out before even thinking of actual sex.

Tears rolled down his face as Bucky finger-fucked him without mercy, pleading as best as he could through the gag. His pleas fell on deaf ears.

God it hurt so bad.

Tony was distantly aware that he was screaming into the cloth, but his shouts were barely audible. There was no hope that anyone would hear him, or answer his cries, so Tony just focussed on staying upright as Bucky pressed another unlubed finger into his hole.

Bucky ignored Tony’s near silent sobs that racked the body underneath him and continued to pin Tony down, thrusting his fingers in and out, harder and harder until his nail caught on Tony’s insides. Tony howled when he felt the inner walls of his ass tear, buckling to the ground and flinching when Bucky began to laugh.

The super soldier pulled his fingers out and smirked at the blood covering them, pulling out Tony’s gag and shoving his soiled fingers into Tony’s mouth and instructing him to suck. Tony did as he was told, humiliation crowding him as he tasted blood and…well, Tony didn’t want to think about that.

Tony whimpered when the gag was thrust back into his mouth and as he was rolled onto his back, stones and broken glass on the alley floor digging into his skin. Tony lay perfectly still as Bucky pushed his thighs apart roughly and shoved his rock hard cock up Tony’s ass with no warning, with only blood to ease the friction. With his eyes clenched shut, Tony tried to focus on anything but the excruciating pain in his hole, but nothing he did could block out the fact that Bucky had literally ripped him apart. He could feel fissures beginning to form around his entrance and the burning was unbearable. God, Bucky was so big. Tony was sure that he was being ripped in half.

Tony had never felt so vulnerable, laying on his back with his hole, cock and balls exposed as Bucky pounded into him. He tried to roll away as Bucky set a merciless pace, but Bucky slapped him hard across the face every time he turned his face away, forcing Tony to look him in the eye as he raped him.

Every now and again he would pull out and simply look down at Tony, smirking and kicking his chest, ribs and side to release some more anger before going back to fucking him savagely. Tony could do nothing other than take it, whimpering when yet more layers of bruising formed almost immediately over his already bruised torso. No doubt deeper bruises would continue to come out for days to come.

If Tony was going to take Steve away from him, Bucky was going to make sure that the other man suffered for the rest of his pathetic life. Each kick was punctuated by Bucky yelling at Tony that he didn’t deserve Steve, that he would win his unrequited lover over no matter what, and that Steve and Bucky would be together forever in the end.

It seemed to go on for hours, Bucky stripping Tony of everything he had left as he continued to tear into him. There was blood oozing down Tony’s thighs now and Tony was sickeningly grateful for how it lubricated his channel somewhat. Which was seriously fucked up.

Bucky was now pulling almost all the way out and jamming himself back in, balls deep, with every thrust, making Tony howl and clench his fists against the brutally painful intrusion. He cried until no more tears would come, his body shuddering with suppressed dry sobs as he wondered how he had ended up like this.

Bucky was now pinning his wrists together with his metal fist, and had begun to squeeze Tony’s balls in his other hand, putting an unbearable amount of pressure on them and eliciting pained, muffled wails from Tony. He smirked as Tony tried to get away, thrusting harder than before as he began to ruthlessly jerk Tony’s cock, rubbing his sensitive head with an unbearable amount of force and digging his nail into the slit of his urethra.

Despite everything Tony felt himself hardening at the stimulation, and he sobbed as Bucky skilfully made him cum all over his sweater. Another wave of humiliation crashed over him and Tony barely noticed when Bucky’s hips stuttered as he spilled inside of Tony, blood and cum oozing out of his hole when he eventually pulled out.

Bucky kicked Tony hard in the balls, making Tony curl up and gag, before walking away into the night.

* * *

Tony staggered into his room, frantically scrambling through one of his many wardrobes until – yes, there it was. It was still there.

He blinked back tears of relief as he pulled the last of his hidden alcohol stash from his wardrobe, a bottle of whiskey that had cost him well over $3000. He had given up drinking years ago, when Steve had found him passed out one evening with his head cracked open after a gala. He had sworn that he would change, would never touch another drop of alcohol again, but what did it matter now. It wasn’t as if he could disappoint Steve any more than he already had.

Tony undid the bottle and began to guzzle the bitter liquid, downing a quarter of the bottle without stopping for air. The blissful burning sensation in his throat momentarily distracted Tony from the burning agony deep in his hole, and he relished in it. Within no time at all he had drank three quarters of the bottle, and with blood still flowing down his thighs, he dragged himself into bed and passed out, alcohol still clutched tight to his chest. The darkness that consumed him had never been more welcome.

* * *

“Captain Rodgers, I must insist that you go to Master Starks room. He is in urgent need of assistance.” Steve groaned when he woken by the sound of Tony’s AI, his headphones having slipped out when he’s fallen asleep.

Protocol be damned, JARVIS wasn’t going to sit and watch as his master bled all over his sheets and drunkenly choked on his own vomit.

“What happened?”

JARVIS didn’t answer, so Steve stood, pulled on some clothes and made his way to Tony’s floor. JARVIS had better have a damn good reason to force him out of bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter, please let me know what you think! Your comments make my day!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the next chapter is here! But first I am going to gush about how much I love you all. Because seriously, every comment, every kudos, every subscription means so, so much for me and I can't thank you enough! But I'll try - THANK YOU! :D
> 
> Warnings for self harm, suicidal thoughts and rape aftermath.

Tony came to with an agonised groan at the sound of Steve calling his name. He blinked blearily at the super soldier, who was stood above him with a look of utter disgust on his face. Shit. He must have seen the whiskey in Tony’s shaking hand.

The disappointment in his gaze made Tony feel sick and he reached out frantically, trying to grab Steve and hold onto him, cling to him like a child, but Steve batted him away impatiently. Pain jolted through Tony’s body and he clung tighter to the bottle of whiskey in his hand.

“How could you Tony, you promised, you fucking promised! I can’t deal with this, that’s it, we’re over. I can’t spend my life fixing you, I’m done with you and all your fucking problems! Look at you, it’s pathetic! Just when I thought that perhaps I could learn to forgive you over Bucky, you go and get drunk!” Steve spat the words out at Tony, who shrank back until his back was flat against the headboard of his bed. The pain coursing through him made him want to black out but all he could think about was the agony in his heart as Steve’s words ripped it apart.

Steve turned on his heel and stormed over towards Tony’s door, ignoring the older man’s please for him to stay.

“Steve, m’begging. I’ll do better, I’ll…” Tony stumbled out of bed, his legs giving way beneath him so that he fell to the floor. Agony exploded through his ass and Tony barely even registered the fact that he had dropped and shattered the bottle of whiskey that he had been clinging on to. Brown liquid pooled around his feet and seeped through his clothes, making Tony sob weakly.

Steve looked down at him and with a sad shake of his head, he walked out.

It was no less than Tony deserved, he was worthless. Scum. A useless piece of shit that didn’t deserve happiness. He had let Bucky rape him, and he had enjoyed it. Or at least part of him had. He had cum all over himself like a fucking teenager. He was pathetic, and Steve deserved so much better.

But that knowledge didn’t make the betrayal hurt any less.

* * *

 

As soon as Steve left, Tony sat with his back against his bed frame, unable to move as he howled into his arms and let out agonised noises that were half way between screams and sobs. Without really realising what he was doing he picked up the largest shard of glass to his right hand side and brought it down upon his left wrist, revelling in the exquisite pain that shocked through his system. Blood began beading up from the cut and all too soon it was pouring down his arm in tiny rivulets, leaving stains of red against his milk-white skin as each droplet oozed a new path down to the crease of his elbow.

All Tony could think about was how much it fucking hurt.

Which was great, because as long as he concentrated on the pulsating pain in his wrist, he couldn’t think about the pain in his heart, or the rest of his body for that matter.

He bought the glass down again and again, tears and blood loss blurring his vision until all his brain could register was the sea of red around him.

With every cut reality seemed to slip away and the last thing Tony thought about was the look of disgust in Steve’s eyes as he had looked down at Tony, and proceeded to walk straight out of his life.

Everything went black.

…

Steve stormed into the kitchen, not even noticing Bruce as he grabbed a mug from the table and launched it at the wall with all of his might.

“Wow, and people say that I need to keep control of my temper – want me to pass on some of my anger management techniques?”

Steve whipped round and was met by the sight of Bruce leaning against a counter and sipping some herbal tea.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“This is a communal kitchen Steve, you’re hardly disturbing me. Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s just Tony.” Steve ran a hand through his hair in exasperation, closing his eyes and pressing his palms to them as he let out a low sigh.

“I know, I don’t believe it myself, I really don’t know what to suggest. I never imagined that he could do that to you, especially not with Bucky. I know this is hard, but I think you need to talk to him. He’s in a bad way, Steve. He’s been snapping every time I get near him, he practically threw me out of his lab earlier. I’ve never seen him like this before, even after he split with Pepper.”

“I wanted to forgive him, I really did, but he’s started drinking again, Bruce. He was in a right state when I went down to his room, stank of alcohol. I don’t know where he even got it from. For all I know he’s been drinking this whole time, and he’s just been hiding it well. He must have had alcohol stashed away somewhere, because I know he hasn’t left the tower. I just can’t deal with Tony drinking himself to death again, it’s too much. I can’t spend my life looking after him, not with the rest of my duties to the nation.”

“Wait? Drinking? Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure, I’m not blind and if that’s the path that he’s decided to go down again, I’m certainly not following him.”

“So you’re telling me that Tony, who swore he would never drink again, has started drinking? And you have just left him alone in his room to deal with it, and no doubt drink and relapse more, instead of comforting him. He is your damn boyfriend Steve, you need to help him! I know that you are angry with him, hell, I am, but surely you can see that there must be something else going on here. You saw just as well as I did that he almost killed himself during our last mission. He’s been a wreck, have you even noticed how much weight he has lost, how ill he looks? I mean, I know that I’ve neglected him to, and that you have been betrayed, but that doesn’t mean that you can neglect your partner when he breaks enough to turn back to alcohol after spending two whole years getting clean!”

“He’s not my boyfriend. I broke up with him. And you have no right to get on your high horse, if you care so much, why don’t you go and sort him out. Let him break your heart too! You’re welcome to him. You’ve spent as little time with him as I have, and you’re meant to be his best friend!”

“Oh for god sake, Tony is having a relapse and you have chosen now, of all times, to split with him?! Even if you no longer care for him, we need Tony. We need Ironman!” Bruce’s eyes were taking on a slight green hue and Steve raised his hands placatingly.

“I know, I know it sounds bad, but I need to look out for myself for once.”

“Great. Fine. Well I’m going to go and sort Tony out, you can carry on destroying the crockery cupboard.” Bruce swore under his breath and marched out of the room to the lab. He really didn’t want to deal with Tony right now, but he wasn’t going to let the man drown himself in a bottle again. __

* * *

“Tony, let me in Tony, I need to talk to you. Come on, let me help you, you don’t have to go through this alone! I know I’ve been a jerk, but we can sort this out.”

There was no response.

“JARVIS, override code 2368hxc53j.” The door to the lab swung open and Bruce rushed into the room, eyes scanning Tony’s lab for his fellow scientist. There was no sign of him.

“Tony, Tone? Where are you? C’mon man, we can talk this out!”

Again there was no response, so Bruce hurried forwards into Tony’s bedroom. He had only ever been in there once when Tony had needed a bandage change after a particularly nasty injury, but he remembered where it was.

With a moment of hesitation he pulled open the door, and it took every single ounce of self-control that he had to not hulk-out.

Tony was lying on the floor surrounded by a pool of blood and whiskey, with the left sleeve of his jumper pulled up to reveal about twenty deep, angry cuts. Some were beginning to clot, but others, clearly far deeper, were gushing out spurts of blood.

Shit.

Bruce sprinted to Tony’s en suite and grabbed a couple of clean towels from the airing cupboard, pressing them to Tony’s forearm and wrist as he checked the man’s pulse.

There was nothing.

“STEVE!” Bruce speed-dialled Steve and yelled at him to come down with the medical kit immediately, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder, leaving his hands free to begin compressions to the side of Tony’s arc reactor.

“C’mon man, don’t you dare fucking give up on me. I swear to god Tony if you don’t wake the fuck up right fucking now I’m -” Bruce paused to breathe air into Tony’s mouth, panting as he pulled away and went back to compressions.

“Bruce? What the-” Steve stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the pool of blood on the floor and he felt his entire life crash around him as he caught sight of Tony. He was chalk white, the dark shadows under his eyes looking worse than ever and there was so, so much blood. The light grey turtleneck that he was wearing was pretty much half crimson already.

Oh god, Steve couldn’t lose him. Not like this. Not- Reality crashed down over Steve. He loved Tony, no matter what his idiot-of-a-genius-lover did. Nothing could change that. And if Tony died with his last living memory being of Steve walking away from him – Steve shuddered. No matter how angry he was, this was not what he wanted. He would never wish for this in a million years.

“Hold this against his wrists, keep the pressure on.” Steve took the clean towel that Bruce shoved into his hand and pressed it to Tony’s arm, feeling bile rise up his throat as he choked back a sob.

“Tony?” Steve fell down to the floor next to his boyf- next to Tony, tears welling up in his eyes as he began to beg the older man to stay with him. “Tony please, please don’t do this Tony, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I failed you, oh god Tony, I’ll never let you down again. I promise baby, we can get through this. I love you so, so much, I love you with all of my heart for god sake you can’t leave me. I can’t live without you – I.” Steve began to cry hysterically, shuddering and crying so hard that he almost missed the moment that Tony came round.

The older man let out a rasping splutter and immediately began throwing up all over the floor, eyes wide as he began to shake his head and cry.

He just wanted it to be over, why couldn’t they have just let him die? Tony just wanted it all to end, why would the pain never stop? Why was Steve here, he didn’t even care? Did he really want Steve to suffer even longer?

Tony continued to throw up the whiskey, his vomit mixing with the pool of blood on the floor and making the nausea in his stomach intensify to unbearable levels.

“Oh god Tony, I’m so sorry, Tony I-” Steve grabbed Tony’s side and tried to pull him up into his arms, but the smaller man cowered in fear, raising his uninjured arm to his face as if he was trying to shield himself from an enemies blow.

“Tony, Tony it’s me, talk to me, c’mon Tone.”

Tony pulled away from Steve and moaned weakly, his head throbbing as he tried to drag himself away from his ex.

“D-don’t. Stop touching me. I-” Tony was sick again and he collapsed back down to the floor, sobs making his entire body shudder as he tried to reach out for a nearby shard of glass with his good arm. Just one more, one more cut and he-

Bruce grabbed Tony’s wrist and yanked it back, wincing when Tony yelped in pain and struggled against him. “Please Bruce, I just want it to stop – I can’t do this anymore. I can’t let him hurt me anymore. It hurts so much I can’t -”

“What do you mean hurting you?” Bruce looked up at Steve, rage glinting in his eyes. Had Steve been hurting Tony?! He knew that things were going sour between them but abuse, was this why Tony had turned to Bucky? Bruce would never, ever have thought that Steve would stoop so low, but nothing could surprise him anymore.

“I don’t understand? Tony? I know I haven’t treated you right, but I take back what I said, we don’t have to split. Not unless you want to, please Tony give me another chance, just let me and Bruce patch you up and then we can talk about all this! I’ll never upset you again, I promise.”

Tony whimpered and shook his head, his head drooping. When did it become so hard to keep his eyes open?

He barely registered Steve’s panicked pleading as he felt himself fall back into the abyss of darkness.

Hopefully this time he wouldn’t wake up again.

* * *

 

“Steve, what the hell did he mean by hurting him? I swear if you have laid a hand on Tony, I will personally ensure that you can never hurt so much as a fly again.” Bruce was wrapping Tony’s wrist in bandages from the first aid kit that Steve had brought down, pressing steri-strips to some of the deeper cuts and a few well practiced stitches into the deepest ones.

“I don’t know, I swear Bruce. I know I’ve messed up -” Bruce raised an eyebrow at the understatement, but allowed Steve to continue, “but I would never, ever raise a hand to Tony.” Steve was wringing his hands frantically, doing his best to assist Bruce as he worked on Tony’s arm.

“I swear Bruce, I know it looks bad but I really, really would never lay a hand on him. I love Tony more than anything, more than life itself. I promise you, I will find whoever hurt him, and I’ll kill them. We’ve been going through a rocky patch, yes, but I’d never!”

Seeing the dangerous look in Steve’s eyes, he nodded, turning his attention back to Tony. “Fine, we’re going to talk about this later, but for now we need to sort out Tony. C’mon, help me get him into bed and out of these wet clothes.”

Steve nodded and gingerly picked Tony up, being mindful of his arm as he carried Tony bridal style into his bed.

“Pass me the scissors from the first aid kit, c’mon. He’s soaked through with that damned whiskey and I don’t want to have to pull that shirt off of him, it’ll jar his wounds too much.” Steve did as he was told, grabbing the scissors and cutting away Tony’s shirt, hands shaking as he did so.

“Oh god.”

Steve and Bruce stared down at Tony’s torso, taking in the masses of bruises ranging from shades of yellow to black and dark purple. He was pretty much battered all over, but it was the finger shaped bruises littering his hips and side, dipping below the waistband of Tony’s trousers that made Steve want to throw up.

His brain was shutting down, because this could not have happened. Steve let out a howl of anguish, tears pouring down his face as he practically collapsed to the floor again. Bruce’s own cry of shock mixed in with Steve’s sobs and both men simply started at Tony’s bruised and broken body.

Steve felt sick.

With shaky hands he cut away Tony’s sopping wet trousers, balking at the sight of Tony’s grey boxers. Or should he say previously grey boxers, because they were now soaked through with blood and…Steve threw up all over the floor, averting his eyes in shame.

How had he not known?

This was evidence of systematic abuse, of rape. Violent rape, and extreme violence over a long period of time, not just a one off event. It must have been going on for ages, weeks even…Why hadn’t Tony confided in him, asked for help? How could this have happened under all of their noses?

Part of Steve thought that he already knew the answer to that one, and his mind began working at a million miles an hour. Tony had been off for months…ever since Bucky had come home.

And if that was the case and Steve could just bring himself to put two and two together…deep down, he already knew the answer. Everyone had said that Tony had looked terrified when he had been given Bucky a blowjob, and the fact that Tony had lost weight and had been a mess for weeks had hardly gone unnoticed.

Part of Steve had known all along.

Steve’s shoulders shook with suppressed sobs. Why hadn’t Tony confided in him weeks ago, asked him for help.

But then it clicked.

Tony had asked for help. Had done the best he could without upsetting Steve. His loving, caring, selfless boyfriend had done his best to protect Steve. Had valued Steve’s well being above his own instead of confessing everything.

And Steve had shot him down.

He had been blind to everything that had happened, ignored all of the signs because he was so selfish that he wouldn’t just let Bucky go.

But not anymore.

He was going to kill Bucky Barnes with his bare hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what to do now <3 Thank you for reading :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! I love you all. Seriously, you have made my cold dead heart feel love. So congrats, pat yourselves on the back! I haven't had the chance to reply to all of your comments yet, but will do so tomorrow because they are my everything!
> 
> Just a short chapter today as I have been moving, but I thought that a small chapter was better than no chapter! The next one will be back to normal length xxx

Steve paced up and down the medical bay’s corridor, wringing his hands in agitation and running his hands through his hair repeatedly. Tony, being the prepared genius that he was, had installed an entire floor of medical facilities in his tower in case any of the Avengers needed treatment and couldn’t get to a hospital. It was equipped with the highest quality tech and equipment, most of which had been designed, or at least improved, by Tony himself. Only the best for his team. He never really planned in using the facilities himself. But luckily foresight is a wonderful thing, which is lucky for Tony, but not for Steve.

  
Captain America was now facing his toughest opponent to date – JARVIS. The doors to the bay were controlled by JARVIS, who had put them on lockdown and the AI was having none of Steve’s desperate pleading. Unlike with most of Steve’s enemies, he could not take JARVIS out with his shield or a punch. Which, all things considered, was unfortunate.

  
“What do you mean I can’t see him? He’s my boyfriend, he needs me!”

  
“You, Captain, are the last person that Master Stark needs right now. And as I recall, you, what do they call it, dumped your so called boyfriend in his greatest time of need to date. He needed you, and you drove him to-” JARVIS’ voice was icy and it sent daggers through Steve’s heart. The soldier was able to fill in the gaps for himself, and it pained him to see how Tony’s AI couldn’t even bare to mention Tony’s suicide attempt. Even a damn computer was better at caring for his boyfriend than he was. And doesn’t that speak volumes?!

  
“JARVIS please, I’m begging you, open the door. I need to see him, I need to talk to him, to make things right!”

  
Steve, to his credit, had the decency to look dreadful. He was pale and shaking, although his face was blotchy in areas from the constant crying that he couldn’t seem to control. On the other side of these walls was Tony, Tony, who had been systematically abused, raped and brutalised by Steve’s best friend. And there was nothing that he could do about it because JARVIS was furious. Rightly so, but that knowledge it didn’t hurt Steve any less.

  
“C’mon Steve, you need to calm down. JARVIS isn’t going to let you in right now, and to be honest I don’t blame him. You need to unwind and take a deep breath, you aren’t doing anyone any favours getting this worked up and angry. Tony needs rest and rehabilitation, can’t you see that you are just going to stress him up and upset him like this? Tony needs you to keep it together for the both of you.”

  
“I just want to see him, I feel so useless. This is all my fault, I invited Bucky into Tony’s home, introduced them, I was too blind and stubborn to see that Bucky isn’t the man he used to be. And Tony tried to tell me, god, he tried more than once and I just pushed him away and let this happen. If I had just listened and done something, he’d never have been raped and…” Steve blanched, swaying dangerously before dropping to his knees in front of a nearby trash can, and vomiting into it until his stomach was completely empty.

  
Bruce stood and gripped his shoulder, grounding him as Steve continued to gag and dry heave, tears pouring down his cheeks.

  
“It’s not your fault Steve, not all of it. This rests on my shoulders too, and Nat’s, Clint’s and Thor’s. We are all to blame, none of us stood up for Tony. I pushed him away too, kicked him out of his own lab.” Bruce looked paler than usual, his face taking on a sickly grey hue and his hair seeming to be a greyer than usual.

  
“But I-I don’t know how to make this right. I don’t think I can. I just need to talk to him, to try!” Steve wiped his mouth and eyes on his sleeve, sighing as he slumped down into one of the chairs lining the corridor.

  
His mind was reeling and every time he closed his eyes, his mind conjured up an image of Bucky pinning Tony down and raping him. If Steve had anything left to throw up, the mere thought would have made him vomit again.

  
“Just give him time, Tony loves you with every cell in his body, you will get through this. I know you will.”

  
“But what if it isn’t enough. I’ve betrayed him in the worst way, he would be stupid to forgive me. He shouldn’t forgive me. He deserves so much better.”

  
“Perhaps, but he doesn’t want better. He loves and wants you. And that’s the end of it. Now shut up, sit down and stop talking because you are making me nervous just looking at you.” Bruce said, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall, hands folded, as he waited for news.

  
Steve tried to do the same.

* * *

“Have you found him?!” Steve bolted to his feet as soon as he saw Phil, Clint and Natasha approaching, his fists clenching in anger at the mere thought of Bucky.

  
“Not yet, he’s completely disappeared. Must have realised that he’d gone too far. I’ve been talking to JARVIS and apparently although Bucky has been sexually abusing Tony for weeks, tonight was the first time that he…” Phil left the rest of his sentence unsaid, his expression grim. “Anyway, we’ll find him, we have hundreds of men and women searching for him right now, watching CCTV from the local and they are doing everything they can. It’s just a matter of time. Although there are no records of Tony’s abuse, as Bucky forced Tony to stop his attacks from being recorded.”

  
“I can’t believe that we didn’t see what was going on, I feel awful.” Natasha said, her eyes red-rimmed and her hair dishevelled. Clint had an arm wrapped around her, only letting her go when she sank into a chair next to Steve and buried her face into his neck, bursting into tears. Everyone blinked at her in shock, but Steve acted on instinct and wrapped his arms around her, soothing her and stroking a hand through her hair affectionately. None of them had ever seen Nat display such raw emotion, and seeing her cry was quite possibly one of the most bizarre, unexpected things that the other Avengers had ever experienced. Which considering the fact that they fought supervillains and Doombots is no mean feat.

  
“I can’t believe I didn’t know.” Clint muttered, punching the wall next to him a few times for good measure until some of his anger faded away. “If anyone should have noticed it was me, after Dad and everything he did to me and Barney I – I should have seen the signs. Should have listened. Should have cared more. I knew that Tony was on edge, that he was suffering, and it kills me to think that he couldn’t confide in me. I’m meant to be his friend, and he didn’t even feel safe enough to tell me that he was being assaulted in his own home.”

  
The Avengers sank into silence, none of them having anything to say to that.

  
For what could they say?

  
Clint was right.

  
They had all failed, each and every one of them. And there was no way that they could do anything about it. At that moment in time each of the Avengers would have done absolutely anything to go back in time and make things right, no matter what, but that wasn’t an option and now they had to deal with the fallout of their neglect.

  
It wouldn’t even be so bad if they could get their hands on Bucky. But the super soldier was clever. Hell, he had to be, to get away with such brazen abuse for so long. No matter what you said about him, he was smart enough to not get caught by spies, assassins and super soldiers who were trained in the observation and protection of others.

  
But they would find him.

  
And they would kill him.

  
Even if it is the last thing they ever did.

* * *

Steve looked up from his seat when a nurse finally came out of Tony’s room, carrying a clipboard and wearing a concerned frown across her face.

  
“Please, please let me know if he is ok? I need to know!” Steve sprang to his feet, rushing up to the nurse and desperately trying to get past her.

  
“I’m sorry Captain, but I do not have the authority to allow you to go into Mr Stark’s room. I’ve been instructed to allow nobody in, other than myself.”

  
Steve looked like he was about to burst into tears, wringing his hands as he threw away his dignity and began to beg, his eyes watering with anxiety.

  
“Just let me know how he is then, please? Is he going to be alright, is he going to pull through? I just need to know, I can’t take this. I need to help him, please just let me help him. Tony needs me, I know that this is my fault, but I need the chance to make this better. Please just let me try?” Tears began to make their way down Steve’s face as he finally gave into the emotion that was overwhelming him.

  
The nurse looked away, clearly flustered, but conceded to help Steve out as much as she could.

  
“I can’t let you in, but I can tell you more about his condition, considering that you are officially registered as one of Mr Stark’s proxys. He has extensive bruising covering his back and torso, centrally focussed on his chest. This has resulted in some deep tissue damage, which is likely to be painful for a long time. It has also led to multiple hairline fractures along his ribs, which considering Mr Stark’s existing medical history, has further complicated his respiratory function.” Steve got paler with each word from the nurses lift and he felt his head spinning as he realised just how much damage he had caused to his lover. This was his fault. To Steve, it felt as though he was as guilty in this as Bucky himself. His neglect was just as bad as physically laying a hand on Tony. He had probably hurt Tony more than Bucky had, mentally at least.

  
He leant back against the wall before nodding for the nurse to continue.

  
“Mr Stark also has less extensive bruising covering his legs and groin, and he has multiple anal fissures and some internal tearing from his sexual assault. We have fixed his internal bleeding, but Mr Stark will need a lot of time to recuperate from this, both mentally and physically. We have started him on a course of antibiotics to boost his immune system and counter any potential infections, and he will be on a course of laxatives for the next week to ensure his stools remain loose, to avoid further damage and discomfort. Other than that, I would recommend that Mr Stark visits our on-site counsellor for at least a few sessions. With his history of anxiety attacks and depression, it is incredibly important that we monitor him and help him through this in a professional manner. Then there is the fact that we are going to have to put Mr Stark on suicide watch. I know that this is probably the last thing that he will want, but it is very important that he is not left alone, or in the presence of any sharp objects or lethal substances. This means that we cannot allow Mr Stark into his lab until his psychiatrist has signed him off.”

  
Steve sighed and found himself burying his head into Clint’s chest, the archer having wrapped his arms around the super soldier to support him. It was clear that Steve could barely keep himself upright and that he was falling apart. No matter how angry Clint was at both himself, and at Steve, it was clear that Steve was doing a good enough job of beating himself up for the both of them.

  
The nurse exchanged a concerned look with Bruce, and with a small cough and a second pointed look at Bruce, she walked away, leaving the door to Tony’s room wide open. Clearly Steve’s obvious turmoil was enough to convince her that he wasn’t posing any threat to Tony. And from her point of view, the injured, broken man needed all of the support that he could get.

  
And besides, Mr Stark was unconscious and still hadn’t come round after his last dose of anaesthetic.

  
What could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what to do to make me a very happy person <3 Love you all and hope you are having a lovely day :D


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter, and thank you so, so, much for all of your lovely comments. You are all incredible!
> 
> I'm away this weekend so next chapter may take 5 days, but I'll try and write on my phone when I'm travelling :D

Steve stopped dead in his tracks when he first laid his eyes on his boyfriend. For that was what Tony was, no matter what Steve had said earlier. To be frank, the older man looked awful and for the first time since knowing Tony, Steve associated the words weak and frail with his appearance. Something he never thought he would have done.

There were monitors surrounding his hospital bed, beeping monotonously as the heavy drone of the ventilator broke the eerie silence in the room. Most of his visible veins had been punctuated by some sort of cannula or another, along with blood pressure monitors, IV lines and a nutrient drip.

Steve had never seen anything like it, and the sight of the tubes trailing under Tony’s bedsheets and the strange contraption covering his nose and mouth made Steve’s stomach churn.

“It’s ok Steve, it’s just a ventilator. It’s helping him breathe, it isn’t as bad as it looks. He’s in the best place for him right now, we just have to wait and let him rest, and heal in his own time. Physically he should be ok in just six weeks, his ribs will heal on their own, as will the cuts and bruises. Tony just needs to recuperate, and we will deal with the rest as it comes. We need to be there for him, and try our damndest to make up for all of our shortcomings. Which we won’t be able to do, but he needs to know that we care, and that we are going to damn well try.” Bruce lapsed into silence after his mini-speech, busying himself with checking Tony’s blood pressure readings and a nearby medical file so that he had an excuse to turn away from Steve and the other Avengers. He didn’t want them to see the tears glistening in his eyes.

Bruce was no stranger to self-loathing and hating himself, hello, he turns into a giant rage monster and kills people, but he had never felt like as much of a failure as he did right now. After Tony showing him nothing but companionship and kindness when nobody else would, Bruce had returned the favour with neglect, cold words and had allowed his friend to be raped and sexually assaulted. And what made it worse was that Bruce had blamed Tony. Blamed the strongest man that he knew for being publically humiliated and assaulted in front of his friends.

The image of Tony down on his knees in front of Bucky flashed back into the forefront of Bruce’s mind and he found himself running out of the room towards his Hulk-Out chamber before he smashed the entire medical lab apart and made things worse.

Steve, Clint and Natasha watched as their friend rushed by, each overcome with a similar sense of guilt. It was strange seeing Tony like this. Their usually brash, loud and outrageous friend, who was always larger than life, currently looked like a corpse in his current motionless state. His skin was ashen, pale with a hint of grey from blood loss, despite the blood transfusion noted in his medical file. There were still a few smears of blood across his head that the nurse hadn’t managed to wipe away and his cheeks were so gaunt that they were hollow. Not to mention the fact that his eyes seemed to have sunk back behind black bags.

“Oh Tony.” Steve’s voice cracked with emotion as he forced himself to Tony’s bedside, taking his limp hand and shuddering at how Tony’s arm was a boneless dead weight as he interlocked their fingers. “I’ll fix this, I promise, I swear on everything I hold dear in life that I will make this better. I will not rest until I have made this up to you.”

Clint settled into a nearby chair and pulled a second one up for Natasha, who slumped into it defeatedly. She began to stroke Tony’s hair tenderly, wincing about how his usually lustrous, soft hair was claggy with grease and sweat. How had she not known? The spy felt as though her stomach was on a roller coaster ride as it lurched with every single negative thought that crossed her mind. And there were enough of them to go round, that’s for sure.

It took all of her years of training to not scream in despair.

* * *

They remained like that for two hours, Clint disappearing every now and then to take a phone call and tapping on his laptop to follow up leads on Bucky, but nothing was leading them anywhere and the whole of SHIELD had managed to come up with zilch. It was beyond frustrating and each moment spent merely looking over Tony, and being unable to help him or do anything to the perpetrator – well, let’s just say that all of this sense of being useless wasn’t doing Clint any favours. He was tenser than one of his bowstrings.

The only thing offering him some comfort was the rhythmic stroking motion of him gently caressing Tony’s thigh through the blanket, the closest part of his fellow Avenger that he could reach. The touch was grounding him, reminding him that no matter how bleak the situation felt, Tony was still there with them, and as long as that was the case, there was a way that they could all come back from this.

Eventually.

Natasha was bent forward with her head resting on her chest, softly dozing, completely worn out from the emotion of the situation. She wasn’t used to things getting to her like this, had never felt so distraught about anything in her life, and it was exhausting. The guilt gnawing away from her seemed to be leaching out her very essence, and one glance at her from Steve confirmed that she felt just as dreadful as she did.

Which was ridiculous, because no matter what, this was on his shoulders. Not the others’.

* * *

 

The relative calm of the room was broken when Tony began to come round, a small, breathy whimper escaping from behind his ventilator. The first thing that hit the genius as he stirred, was the sudden onslaught of pain that assaulted him. Every single bone and cell in his body seemed to be aching and the pain was unbearable, although it felt strangely distant in a way. Pain meds. That would explain why everything felt heavy and fuzzy. In a way Tony felt like he was in a fishbowl, separated from the rest of the world.

This blissful haze and dissociation was suddenly wrenched away though, when Tony felt the pressure of something holding his hand down, and another hand on his thigh. Oh god. It was happening again. Bucky must have found him, bleeding out on the ground after he cut himself. Must have seen how pathetic and weak he was and decided to dominate him again.

Tony couldn’t move.

His limbs were too heavy, but he had to get away. Bucky’s hands were all over him, stroking and touching and unwanted and they were violating him again, touching him without his permission and making him dirty and unclean.

Tony whined weakly, doing his best to thrash away from Bucky’s touch and panicking more when he realised that he couldn’t even roll over and away from his touch. It took all of his might to twitch his leg slightly, and to shift his hand a few millimetres, trying desperately to get away from Bucky’s prying hands.

Everything was painful and Tony didn’t know if he would be able to survive another rape. He was more than aware of the sharp sting around his anus and the unbearable burning sensation deep within his most private passage. The pain seemed to travel all the way through his lower body, combining with the agony of his chest and the dull ache of his arm until everything in the world was reduced to pain, pain, pain.

The thought of Bucky penetrating him again made Tony’s breath seize up completely.

Nausea and dizziness hit him and Tony felt his brain shutting down.

God, he couldn’t breathe.

He was going to die.

* * *

Steve’s heart leapt with joy when he realised that Tony was beginning to come round, although the whimper of fear that he released wasn’t exactly promising. Although it was better than nothing. At least Tony was awake.

However, in mere seconds Steve realised that Tony was not in a good way. His face had gone even paler, which Steve hadn’t thought would be possible, and his face was pinched with fear. There were beads of sweat forming on his forehead and the monitors beside Tony were going haywire.

“Stop touching him, I think he’s having a panic attack!” Natasha came too from her light doze with a start when the machine next to her started beeping and it only took her a few seconds to realise what was happening. Tony was shaking violently in his bed, his newly freed hand moving to his arms and frantically trying to free himself from the IVs and lines that were pinning him down. He needed to get away and before Tony knew what was happening his fight or flight instincts were kicking in. And he had every intention to fly. Because there is no way that he could fight back against Bucky, and the only time Tony ever felt free was when he was flying away from a situation, both physically and metaphorically.

“Tony, Tony, you need to calm down, it’s me, Tony. It’s Steve, I’m here, and I’ve got you. Nobody is going to hurt you, you are safe here. It’s just me, Clint and Natasha. We have you, you’re ok. Please calm down my love, no, don’t pull on that, you are going to hurt yourself!” Without thinking, Steve grabbed hold of Tony’s wrists, panicking when the ventilator shifted away from Tony’s face and he managed to pull two IV’s and a cannula from his arms and hands. Hadn’t Bruce said that the ventilator was to help Tony breathe?! If he pulled it off, surely he would suffocate. Steve couldn’t watch Tony die like that. He couldn’t lose him again, watch his chest stop rising and falling. The mental image of Tony covered in blood on his bedroom floor hit Steve like a brick and he was so busy focussing on pinning Tony down that he barely registered the cries of his fellow Avengers.

“Steve! STEVE, GET OFF OF HIM! YOU’RE SCARING HIM, DAMMIT! LET GO OF HIM!!!!!!! He can breathe without it, it’s only giving him a higher concentration of oxygen. STOP!” Clint grabbed hold of Steve and punched him as hard as he could across the face. It wasn’t enough to hurt the super soldier, but it was enough to make Steve momentarily stop and take stock of the situation. He let go of Tony as if he had been burned.

Tony was cowering beneath him, eyes wide and hazy, unseeing as he sank into a flashback. Although Tony’s body was in the room, he wasn’t with them at all. He was in an alleyway, pinned down with Bucky forcing him open, splitting him wide and he could feel the burning tearing of his anus and the agony of the super soldier kicking and punching his chest.

The genius was screaming and thrashing wildly, contorting himself away from Steve in ways that seemed unnatural. The guttural sounds coming from his raw throat sent a knife straight through Steve’s heart. He had made things worse. Of course he had. Making situations go from bad to worse seemed to be Steve’s current strong point. He had failed |Tony and hurt him again.

“Oh god Tony, please! I didn’t mean…it’s ok! Tony?!” Steve stared at Clint and Natasha, completely at a loss for something to do. He had no idea how to make this better. He couldn’t touch Tony without making things worse, but the man was clearly hurting himself. There was blood running down his arms from where he had ripped out the needles and he was clearly knocking his chest and making the damage worse.

“Steve, you need to back off. Give him space! Clint, Steve, leave the room. I’ll look after Tony, you are probably triggering him right now.”

“Triggering him?”

“Yes, you are a super soldier, and not to be sexist, but you are both male. I’m pretty sure that after everything that has happened, Tony isn’t’ going to want two muscular men standing over him and shouting. He’s having a flashback, Tony needs space and quiet. I’ve got this.”

Steve nodded, pale as a sheet as he retreated out of the room as fast as his shaking legs would carry him. Clint jogged out behind him, sending Natasha a grateful look before going to comfort Steve, who was leaning against the wall with his head buried in his forearm, his body heaving with muffled sobs.

“Stay calm Steve, the last thing Tony needs is for you to fall apart and become hysterical. Take a few deep breaths for me.” Steve looked up at Clint with glassy eyes, nodding before practically sprinting off to the gym. He couldn’t deal with this. He needed to get out as fast as he could.

Clint watched him go with a sigh of his own, slumping down in his seat and making a few more calls to Phil to see how things were progressing.

* * *

Tony crashed to the floor with a thud, having completely wrestled himself from under his blankets and curling up in a mess on the floor. He had fully dislodged all of the monitors from his body and was now hunched over in the smallest ball possible, his eyes screwed shut as he managed to drag himself into the hollow between his medical bed and the dressing table that he had managed to inch aside.

His head spun uncontrollably every time that Tony opened his eyes and all he knew was that he had to get away from Bucky. He had to run and hide and make the pain stop, because there was no way that he could survive this much longer.

Tony was struggling to draw breath, his chest exploding with pain with every shallow inhale, and his vision blurring as the room tilted and nausea crashed over him in waves. Before Tony knew what was happening he was gagging weakly, shaking so violently that his entire body was rattling the bedside table beside him, making it knock against the wall and almost spilling the glass of water resting on it.

Tony wanted to scream, to beg and plead and reason with Bucky so that the super soldier would just leave him alone, but there was no chance that Bucky would listen. He would take everything from Tony again, strip him of all he was and violate him in the worst possible way.

No wonder Steve didn’t love him anymore, he was pathetic.

The thought made Tony’s breath hitch again and he let out a low whine of frustration and fear, tears streaming down his face as he cowered and tried to hide away. He was confused about why the prying hands had left him alone, and hadn’t followed him onto the ground, but he was grateful.

Maybe Bucky had realised that he was too disgusting to even bother with. Maybe Tony was too broken for even the psychopathic super soldier to bother raping.

Natasha watched carefully as Tony withdrew into himself, aware that any false move could trigger Tony further into his current headspace.

“Tony? Tony, you are having a flashback right now. I know that you are afraid, but I promise you that there is nothing here that can hurt you. I am watching over you, Tony, and I will never let anybody lay a hand on you. There is no immediate danger or threat. I promise you, I’ve got you. It’s going to be ok, Tony.”

Tony barely registered Natasha’s kind words, his mind busy playing re-runs of Bucky beating him and forcing his face into the alley floor. An icy numbness was coursing through his body and although he was beginning to regain control of his breathing, the overwhelming desire to run away and escape was unbearable.

He just wished that he could will his body to move, but none of his limbs were listening to him.

“Tony, do you know where you are?”

The direct question made Tony look up, his eyes watery and unfocused, but there was something about Natasha’s careful tone that finally reached through the haze.

“Can you tell me where you are Tony? C’mon, I know that you can.”

“I-I don’t?”

“That’s ok, you’re doing great. May I touch you? Do you mind if I hold your hand?”

Tony shied away from Natasha’s outstretched hand, so she withdrew it immediately, being sure not to make any sudden moves.

“Ok, that’s ok, Tony. You’re doing really well. I’m proud of you, and I’ve got you. You’re in your tower Tony, in the medical bay. Nobody can get into this room, it’s locked. It’s just me and you in here, you know me Tony, you know that I would never let anyone in, don’t you. You know what I’d do to anyone who even tried to get in?”

Tony nodded weakly, blinking a few times and relaxing slightly when Natasha’s concerned face came into focus. His breathing was still frantic, bordering on hyperventilation, but at least he was now more aware of where he was.

Tony had never looked so broken, and it destroyed Natasha to see him like this. His hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat, and the hazy, glassy-eyed stare that was roaming around the room was the opposite of his usual, sharp and knowledgeable gaze.

“Tony, can you tell me what you need? What I can do to help you?” Tony didn’t respond, seemingly withdrawing further back into himself for a moment.

“Tony, it’s ok. I promise that you are not in danger. He isn’t here. Nobody is going to hurt you.” Tony whimpered weakly, his body aching as he imagined that he could feel Bucky pounding into him. He let out a ragged groan and began to cry even harder than before, scrabbling at the blanket which now seemed to be suffocating him and pinning him down. The slightest pressure on his body was making him feel trapped, which in turn intensified the crippling fear that was making it hard to think.

Rationally he knew that Bucky wasn’t here, but the rational part of his mind was not currently dominant.

It took all of his might to listen to Natasha and even when he did manage to tap into what she was saying, her calming words weren’t really registering. However, her soothing tone was somewhat comforting.

“Tony, you can breathe through this. Do you think that you can watch me and match my breathing? C’mon, look at my chest rising and falling, try and mimic me. Go on…yes, that’s good. You’re doing so well, I’m so proud of you Tony. You’re doing so well. Good. In, and out. In, and out. Good.” Tony did his best to follow Natasha’s commands and the more he breathed, the more his mind came back to him. He began to remember the various grounding techniques that JARVIS had taught him in the past to deal with panic attacks, and before he really knew what he was doing, instinct took over again.

Although he was still feeling detached from the situation, and the room around him didn’t feel fully real, Tony knew deep down that he wasn’t currently in danger. He just needed to ground himself. The worst was over, he wasn’t currently under attack and he was in his tower.

That thought usually made Tony feel safe, but the knowledge that Bucky had attacked him in his own home had stripped Tony of that security, and now he couldn’t bring himself to feel safe. The usual sights and smells of the room no longer filled him with comfort, and the knowledge that his lab would never be an unblemished safe space made Tony cry harder. Bucky had taken everything away from him. His haven. His lover. His pride. Everything.

He began to hyperventilate again.

“Tony? Tony you need to try and calm your breathing, you’re going to make your body panic more if you continue like this. You’re not getting enough oxygen. I need you to breathe for me. Breathe slowly with me again, it will help with the dizziness and shaking. I promise.”

“Bed. Blanket. Table. Floor. You.”

“Tony?”

“Monitor beeping, footsteps in the corridor, your voice, my foot tapping.”

“Tony? Are you ok? I don’t understand.”

“Floor, bed, table.” Tony reached out a violently shaking hand and touched each object one at a time, breathing in deeply as he did so. He wasn’t in an alley. He was in the medical bay. It was warm, not cold. The floor, although harsh and uncomfortable, was not rough and covered in glass.

Natasha realised what Tony was doing and quickly stopped talking, watching as Tony continued to ground himself. Five things he could see, four that he could hear, three things that he could touch…it was all beginning to make sense and Natasha couldn’t help but let relief wash over her. This meant that Tony had come round enough to realise that his mind was stuck in the past, and that he needed to come back to reality.

“Anaesthetic. Your perfume.” Two things he could smell.

“Water?” One thing he could taste. Right. Natasha stood slowly and picked up the glass of water from the bedside table, very cautiously placing it beside Tony, knowing that he didn’t like people handing things to him. Tony reached out and took the glass shakily, downing half of the water in one go before slowing and taking small sips until the glass was empty.

“Tony?”

“I-I’m here.” Tony got to his feet and leant heavily against his bed, taking a few moments to breathe deeply before beginning to pace the room, swinging his arms deliberately and trying to focus on the way that his legs moved beneath him. Pain shot through him as each moment bustled his genitals and chest, but he was grateful for the pain, because although it was intense, it wasn’t fresh and he knew that nothing new was harming him.

“Do you need anything, can I get you something?” Tony shook his head, mumbling that he was tired before limping to his bed and laying down on it, curling up and burying his head in his arms. He flinched when Natasha came over to him and placed a blanket over him, but was relieved when she didn’t touch him.

He was still shaking softly, but he kept telling himself that he was safe and eventually managed to relax.

“Tash?”

“I’m here.”

“There’s a stone in my bedside drawer in my room...can you?” Natasha nodded, understanding as she made her way out of the room to go and fetch the stone. It was probably his grounding object, something that had a personal meaning to Tony. If she was right, it would be smooth, and comforting to touch.

* * *

 

By the time that she returned, stone in hand, Tony was fast asleep with a nurse taking his vital signs.

She watched from afar as the nurse did her thing, only moving when she left the room, not bothering to even try and send Natasha away. She had the common sense to be scared of the former assassin.

Natasha lent forward and prised open one of Tony’s hands, the one belonging to the arm that he hadn’t cut, and placed the stone in his tight grip, closing it again before settling into a chair to keep watch over him.

She didn’t leave his side until she received a call from Coulson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, have some angsty as fuck Tony and crew XD This chapter takes a quick look into Tony's past and we have the explosion that we have all been waiting for!
> 
> Warnings for rape recovery and some scenes that could be triggering.

When Tony woke he was glad to find himself alone in 'his' room, and was pleased when he felt his comfort stone tucked into his palm. Something about the stone made the whitewashed room full of monitors and machinery less daunting and he allowed himself a moment of gratitude towards Nat before resuming his anger and resentment of her. After all, fetching a stone and calming him down once hardly made up for the fact that she had sat by and judged him as he was assaulted multiple times, right under her nose.

That familiar sense of shame and humiliation rushed back over Tony and he screwed his eyes tight against the barrage of images forcing their way into the forefront of his mind. Don’t think. Don’t think. I don’t want to think. Not about that.

Tony’s brain didn’t seem to want to listen to him and a few moments later the only thing keeping him from dissolving into a full-blown panic attack was the fact that he was concentrating all of his energy on rubbing the stone between his fingers.

It was stupid really, that he had kept a dumb piece of rock for so long, but the stone held a lot of sentimental value for him, and never failed to ground him when he was stressed of feeling vulnerable. He often found himself fiddling with it when working on something particularly stressful in his lab, or, when nobody was watching, he would fiddle with it in his suit pocket at board meetings.

The stone itself was nothing special, really. Just a dull grey piece of rock that had been worn and smoothed down over the years by Tony rubbing and manhandling it for countless hours.

If anyone was to find it lying around, they would probably have just thrown it away.

However, to Tony, this stone represented love, family and on of the few days of his childhood that he was truly happy. He clearly remembered his 12th birthday as if it were only yesterday. The day that he had been given this stone.

* * *

His father had spent the entire day on a conference call, some sort of new gun was giving off too much recoil and Howard was the only one with enough brains to deal with it. His mother, who although she tried her best, never knew how to connect with Tony, had completely forgotten that it was his birthday as she was away with friends on a spa weekend.

Jarvis, however, had remembered. He had found Tong in his room, hunched over his desk with a pencil in hand, and an open sketchbook in front of him. Even at such a young age, Tony had always been inventive and creative, and there was nothing he enjoyed more than designing robots to be his friends...or 'bots', as he liked to call them affectionately. However, this time, Jarvis could sense that something was off. Usually Tony's hand would be a blur, flying across his paper at incredible speed, almost as if his limbs couldn't keep up with the speed that his brain was working at.

But not that day.

Tony's hand was absolutely still, apart from the slight shaking that gave him away. The young boy was crying silently, never one to draw attention to himself, and the sight broke Jarvis' heart. He had only ever seen Tony cry twice, despite his youth. Once when Tony had mysteriously wound up with three broken ribs (Tony had never told Jarvis why, but the man had his suspicions and may have switched Howard's coffee for decaff in a gesture of subtle defiance), and once when Tony had the flu and had been shouted at by Howard for skipping school. "Stark men are made of iron, do you think that I spend entire days curled up in bed whining when I am unwell? No? Well then neither should you!"

Jarvis shook his head sadly and approached Tony, pulling the resisting boy into a tight hug and stroking his hair affectionately. It was probably the only contact that he had received all day.

"It's ok Tony, I know this sucks, but you've still got me, ey?" Tony looked up, eyes still glistening with tears as he promptly buried his face in the nape of his only friend's neck.

"I-I tried to talk to Da-Howard, but he yelled at me to go away. I just wanted to ask if he wanted a slice of the cake I made."

"You made a cake? When?"

"This morning."

"Well I'd certainly like a slice, I bet it's amazing. Just like everything else that you make."

Tony shook his head miserably and motioned towards the bin in the corner of his room, where a rather sad, crumbled apart cake had been thrown. It was clear from the intricate pattern visible that Tony must have spent hours on the cake, but as always his efforts had gone unnoticed by Howard.

"It was stupid anyway. I messed up the pattern twice and I put in too much flour. It was a waste of time. Howard was right, I am stupid."

Tony sniffled softly, wriggling away from Jarvis' grasp before slumping onto his bed.

"Well I don't think that your cake was stupid. Why don't I take you out instead, we can go to the beach with a picnic? Would you like that?"

Tony had nodded sadly, taking Jarvis' hand and following him to one of Howard's many supercars.

By the end of the day, Tony had experienced one of the best days of his life. Jarvis had treated him to ice cream, candyfloss, a go on the dodgems and had let him play on all of the penny arcade games, the ones that Howard always insisted were for babies. Not to mention the fact that he had allowed Tony to go on the Merry-Go-Round three times in a row, each time on a different horse. That had been one of Tony’s favourite childhood memories and he still had a soft spot for the rides to this day.

Then, the best part of the day was when Jarvis had taught him how to skim rocks across the sea. They had both ended up in hysterics, both failing dismally to skim a single rock. Jarvis handed Tony a stone which he said would be perfect, but Tony hadn’t thrown it like he had with the rest of them. For some reason he felt as if this stone was special, and he slipped it in his pocket for safekeeping, throwing a different stone instead.

It bounced across the water nine times before finally sinking. Tony took that as a good sign, and kept his lucky stone by his bed, or on his person every day since.

* * *

Tony came too from his reminiscing when he heard a nurse entering the room, finding himself instinctively curling up and shying away from her kind gaze. At some point in the night someone had clearly reattached the IVs and nutrient drip to his arm. Rationally he knew that he was safe, but the invasion of his personal space, albeit benign, put him on edge.

Was it too much to ask for a bit of privacy and time alone in his own house?!

"Mr Stark, I'm just here to check over your dressings, may I take a look at your arm?" The nurse had a kind face, which was framed by her auburn hair and the thick rimmed glasses that she was wearing. To all intents and purposes, she looked kind. Attractive even. But the idea of letting her anywhere near Tony made his heart rate increase to a dangerous level.

"I-I'd rather you didn't. I’m fine. I just want to sleep. You may take your leave.”

“I’m really sorry, Sir, but I have been instructed that I am not to leave until I have re-dressed your wounds. I promise that I will be as quick as I can, and that it will be a relatively painless procedure. The other Avengers will skin me alive if I don’t do what they say, they’re all worried about you.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet they are.” Tony mumbled under his breath, sighing with resignation as he sat up and held his arm out towards the nurse. There was no point in getting her in trouble, and it was clear that he would have to comply one way or another. What was the use in protesting? If anything had been clear over the last few weeks, it was that Tony had no control over his own body and life. Why try and fight it now.

“Thank you. I’ll be gentle, I promise.” The nurse offered him a kind smile and approached gently, unwrapping the bandages from his arm and examining the puffy red lines across his arms and wrists. Tony looked away, unable to watch. How had he sunk to this point?

The nurse smiled apologetically when she brushed over a particularly sore cut, applying some antiseptic cream to it before continuing.

“You seem to be healing fairly well, all things considered. I can give you some more medication for the pain if you need it, but rest assured that none of the wounds are infected. And your stitches are looking good too.”

“I’m fine. I just want to leave to be honest. Or am I being held hostage in my own tower?”

“I have no authority to keep you here, but I believe it would be best if you can stay where we can monitor you and keep you safe. And if you are to leave, I am afraid that you must be supervised at all times. And I can’t let you go to your lab.”

“And why, may I ask, am I being treated like a grounded petulant child?!”

“I’m sorry. It’s just – you have been placed on suicide watch, Mr Stark. Your team are worried about you, and are scared that you might-” The nurse floundered for words, blushing slightly before Tony took pity on her.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t be taking this out on you. Just-can you leave me now? I promise that I won’t off myself.” The nurse shuddered slightly at the term, but continued her ministrations, re-bandaging Tony’s arm.

“I will leave soon, Sir, if you wish. Your happiness and comfort are my priority. But I am afraid that I have to take a look at your other wounds first.”

“What other-oh.” Tony blushed, heat rushing to his cheeks as his eyes stung with humiliation.

“I have some cream, it will help with the stinging pain and should numb the area for you. It won’t hurt, but it would probably be easiest if I apply it. You could do it yourself, if you wish, but I think it would be best if I do a quick assessment of the damage, and how you are healing.”

“Sure, just get it over and done with.”

Tony looked away, sighing as he followed the nurse’s instructions, spreading his legs and trying to hold still as she removed his boxers. However, as soon as her hand grazed his upper thigh, Tony found himself panicking. When he looked down he saw that his entire groin was black and blue, his balls a horrific array of green and purple bruising. All of a sudden all he could see was Bucky with his head between Tony’s legs, touching him and forcing his fingers into Tony. He kicked out frantically, catching the nurse straight in the face with his foot and curling up, whimpering weakly as he tried to wriggle away from further harm.

He was so out of it that he didn’t see the nurse rush out to get help, and the next thing he knew he was being restrained by Bruce and a doctor, both of whom were trying desperately to console him as he screamed and yelled, throwing punches and kicking in an attempt to get away. Why were they doing this? Why were they holding him down? Didn’t they realise that Bucky was here, what the soldier would do if Tony continued to lay there defenceless…?

Tony barely felt the syringe being pushed into his arm and only had a few moments to wonder why everything was fading before he fell unconscious.

* * *

When Tony next woke he was restrained to his bed with padded cuffs, Bruce sat beside him, nibbling at some loose skin by his fingernail.

“Tony, it’s alright. I know how this looks, but it’s for your protection. Try to stay calm. You were having a flashback, Tony. But you’re ok. Breathe for me buddy.”

“N-not your buddy.” Tony snarled, forcing himself upright and slipping the cuffs with ease. When you have been kidnapped as many times as Tony Stark you picked up a few escape artist techniques.

“Tony, please. You need to rest.”

“No, what I need is for none of this fucking mess to have happened. I needed a friend, Bruce. Where were you, huh? Where were you when I needed you the most? Fuck you Bruce. Let me out of this fucking room or I swear to god I will hurt you.” Tony snarled, pulling out the wires from his arms once again before staggering over to the locked door.

“JARVIS, let me out.”

“Sir, I am afraid that it would be unwise of me to-”

“LET ME OUT!”

JARVIS opened the door and Bruce could have sworn that he heard the AI sigh.

“Cheers J.”

Tony strode out of the room as best as he could, limping and wincing when every step sent pain lancing through his groin.

“Tony!” Bruce was hurrying after Tony, reaching out to him imploringly.

“Back off Bruce. You don’t have to pretend that you care.” Tony snapped, leaving Bruce standing alone in the corridor as he made his way to the kitchen. First stop, coffee. Second stop, as far away from this hell hole as fucking possible.

* * *

Tony leant heavily against the kitchen counter, listening to the coffee percolator as he sipped on a strong brew of instant coffee. He needed the large mug of crappy coffee to keep him going long enough to make a decent brew.

He was well aware of the fact that Natasha, Clint and Bruce had followed him into the room – no doubt Bruce had called them to assemble and try and talk some sense into him, but Tony was good at ignoring people. In fact, almost as good as they were at ignoring him, Tony thought bitterly.

“Tony, please. You shouldn’t be walking.” Natasha whispered, her voice cracking as she hovered, uncertain about what to do for one of the first times in her life.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, telling me what to do!” Tony whipped around and snarled, wincing when the sharp movement jostled his chest and arm. “Can’t you see that you have done enough already. Why don’t you just leave, I want you to, for god sake. Don’t I at least deserve that?”

“Of course you do, but you have to see that you need help. You are in pain, at least rest for a few more days.”

“The only thing I need is for you all to leave me alone. You seem to be good at that, so I don’t see what the problem is.”

“Please, please just let us try and make this up to you. We feel dreadful, you have no idea how awful we feel to have let you down so badly.”

“Wait. Woah. Hold on. I have no idea how you feel? HOW YOU FEEL? Well I’ll tell you what, I know for a goddamn fact that you do not feel as dreadful, or awful as I do. I don’t honestly give a fuck how you feel, not anymore. Now do me a favour and fuck off.”

“Tony?” Tony brought his fist down on the countertop when he heard Steve’s voice enter the fray. Great. That’s just what he needed.

“Don’t say a word. Captain. I swear to god I cannot account for my actions if you say one more word.”

“Tony, I love you Tony, I’m sorry. The others are right, please let us make this up to you?”

“For whose sake? Mine? Who are you apologising for, Cap. Because I know it’s not me. You think that by apologising to me, you will make things better. Make me hurt less. Because you are wrong. You are apologising for yourself, to make me feel better. And you know what, I’m not going to stand here and accept your apologies to make you feel less shitty about yourself. Because you know what, you deserve to feel like crap. Now if you don’t mind, I’m busy.” Tony turned back to his coffee machine, pouring the inky black liquid into a mug and downing the rest of his instant coffee.

He was about to turn and leave when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Tony whipped around so fast that he sent his coffee flying, punching Steve as hard as he could across the face before taking a step backwards until he was backed into the corner of the room. His shoulder felt like it was burning where Steve had touched him and the contact made his flesh crawl.

“WHAT THE FUCK! Cap, what the actual FUCK!” Tony all but screamed at his ex, clasping at his chest with his good arm as he tried to regain control of his breathing. “You come in here, make things worse, and you decide that you can fucking touch me. After everything that has happened to me, you think that you can touch me?! I-you just come in here touching me like you still fucking own me. Well newsflash, Captain, you don't. Not anymore. Do you have any fucking clue! I gave you everything that I had, all of my heart, I loved you in a way that I never even thought was possible. With my very essence. I gave you my heart and you tore it to fucking pieces! We were talking about getting married! About making a vow to love and protect each other for the rest of our lives! And you threw it all away. You weren't there when I needed you most. I begged for you to listen to me, I cried for you, spent my nights alone in bed sobbing, waiting for you to notice and to rescue me. To come back and make everything ok. But you never did. You refused to listen to me when I told you that Bucky wasn't welcome anymore, and you defended him and allowed him to fuck me! He RAPED me! And you still think that you have the right to touch me?!” Tony’s voice had gone dangerously low and Steve wasn’t sure whether his body was shaking with anger, or with fear. Probably both. Shit he had messed up. Again.

“Do you have any idea how I felt, how it felt to be violated in the most intimate way. Do you even know that I can’t even bare to look in the mirror anymore. Because I can see traces of him all over me. I feel unclean. Dirty. Tarnished. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Captain Perfect! You have no idea what it is like to be anything less than perfect. To be tainted.” Tony spat the last word, running his hand through his hair and clutching at the countertop to keep himself from falling. Dizziness and vertigo were making his legs feel like jelly, but he refused to look any weaker than he already was right now.

Steve just watched with wide eyes, his heart clenching along with Bruce’s, Natasha’s and Clint’s as they all realised that, perhaps, there was no coming back from this.

“Every loving touch that you have laid on me has been wiped away by his hands. That area above my shoulder that I loved you kissing, well he pinned me down by that spot. It's bruised now. His dick has been where only yours had a right to be. Do you have any idea how much that hurt, in every possible way? No. You don't. And to make it worse, the rest of you just jumped to conclusions as well. You must have seen the look on my face when you walked in on me, literally being raped. Must have ignored how I was physically shaking with fear, that I was crying, but you just assumed that I was being my usual 'slut' self, whoring myself out to my lovers best friend. Well it's nice to know that you all have such a high opinion of me! Do you have any idea how long I spend on your suits, your weapons, the personalised gadgets in your rooms? How hard I tried to make you feel welcome in my home, how desperate I was to finally have a group of true friends who didn't want to be with me purely for my money? I thought that you were my family! I loved you, all of you. And none of you bothered to ask if I was ok when my world was being torn apart.” Tears were now falling freely down Tony’s face, but he didn’t bother wiping them away. What was the point?

“It’s bad enough what Steve and Bucky have done, but you Bruce! You are meant to be my best friend! You kicked me out of your lab for being moody, well I'm sorry that being beaten to within an inch of my life put me in a bad mood. Not to mention you, Clint - what was it you said when I was in the middle of being raped 'Tony! I swear, what the fuck! How could you do this to Steve? …I never really believed the papers, but I guess you really are just a disgusting little slut!' You made me have a fucking panic attack, made me cry in my own living room and accused me of wanting it. Threatened me! As if I wasn’t already being abused enough! Well thanks for putting me in my place, I truly see where I belong in the great scheme of things now. Now I'd appreciate it if you all get the fuck out of my sight. I'm leaving in an hour, and I don't want to see any of you when I go. So if you could make yourselves scarce, I'd appreciate it. Don't expect me to come back anytime soon, or at all for that matter. Don't worry, I'll be out of your way soon enough. You won’t have to associate with your disgusting whore of a roommate. There's no need to pretend that you care about me anymore. Because I know that none of you give a flying fuck. Fuck you all. Enjoy having free range of the tower without me."

With that Tony stormed out of the room, leaving the rest of the Avengers standing in stunned silence. Nothing that Tony said had been a revelation, or anything that they hadn't already been thinking about themselves, but to have Tony yell it at them made them fully appreciate that Tony knew how much they had all messed up.

They had a lot of making up to do.

And no idea how to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :) It took me a while to get this chapter out, and I'm not 100% happy with it, but at least I now know where I'm going with this in my mind, which always helps XD
> 
> You know what to do <3 xxx


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness. Can I just take a moment to scream about that fact that this has over 600 kudos. Like oh my god you guys are actually amazing, I am so, so happy and I love you all so much. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! *screams a little! You are so lovely and supportive and I never thought this would go far at all, but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart because this means so much to me <3
> 
> Also can we take a moment to appreciate that this is 75 pages long - hahaha XD Wow, I need to get out more :')

Tony sighed as he rolled over, bringing his arm across his face and stretching out in his ridiculously oversized and luxurious bed. He had been laying in it for 13 hours straight, apart from for five minutes when he had gone to pee, and despite the crushing exhaustion taking over his body he couldn’t sleep.

He was a mess.

There were many things that Tony considered himself as, most of which negative, but he had never really seen himself as a quitter – as somebody who would run away from his problems in a literal sense. Of course, he had been running ever since college, taking drugs, having ludicrous amounts of sex and drinking enough to pretty much destroy his liver, but he had never physically left somewhere to get out of a difficult situation.

Until now.

And to be honest, the running away tactic was just as helpful as he had thought it would be, aka, not at all useful.

Because at the end of the day, confining yourself to a bedroom, be it in a tower, or on a secret private island, you are alone either way, miserable and unable to cope. Once upon a time Tony would have parties here with over a hundred playgirls (and occasionally boys when he was truly treating and being honest to himself), but now there was nobody on the entire island apart from him and the mosquitos.

Ha.

He had finally gained the solitude that he had fought so hard for, escaped Bucky, Steve and the Avengers, and he was just as miserable as he was in their company.

Tony cursed himself for naively thinking that that getting some fresh air and spending some time away from the other Avengers would be a good idea. But it wasn’t. He had thought that he’d feel safe here. But he didn’t. In fact, Tony had only gone outside once since returning here, attempting to relax.

He’d found himself alone on a palm-tree littered beach, had laid down in the sand and promptly had a panic attack. Even here with nobody around he couldn’t bare laying down on his back and he could pretty much feel invisible eyes watching him. Every time he rested on his back, all he could picture was Bucky above him, pinning him down, and Tony would swiftly retreat back into himself. Even his brain hated him and didn’t want him to heal.

Tony had run back inside after that and hadn’t returned outside since.

After the all-encompassing panic attacks plaguing Tony, Tony couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched. He had spent the next two weeks curled up in bed in one of his mansion’s many ensuite bedrooms and a kitchenette, with locks on the window, security pass access only doors and an alarm system that even he would find difficult to hack. The security in this place was second to none, yet Tony still didn’t feel safe. However, at least it was convenient. JARVIS (who was also installed here, of course), kept the kitchenette fully stocked with non-perishable goods and he had everything here that he needed.

Of course this meant that Tony had been living off of cans of tomato soup for the last two weeks, but he wasn’t fussy. The soup situation was fine by him, since he was barely eating anyway. In fact, to be honest, he was lucky if he ate so much as half a can of soup a day, despite JARVIS’ constant nagging.

Tony wanted to try, he really did, but everything he ate tasted like dirt and to be truthful he hadn’t felt truly hungry since all of this had started.

The only reason he ate was to stay conscious and to please his AI, who seemed to be growing more and more despairing as the days went by.

“Sir, you haven’t eaten in eighteen hours, may I suggest that you try and sustain yourself a little better. Your blood sugar levels are dangerously low and you have lost way over a stone at an alarming rate.”

“Sure J, just give me a minute. I’m too tired, I’ll eat later.”

“Sir, forgive my impertinence, but you are feeling so exhausted due to your lack of eating. It is a vicious cycle, Sir, but I assure you that you’ll feel better after eating, despite how unappealing the prospect seems.”

“Later, J.” Tony rolled over, half tempted to put JARVIS on mute. But then he really would be alone, without even his AI to keep him company.

“What is the status check on the island, J?”

“I have been monitoring all of your security cameras, Sir, and you are still completely alone here. The only exceptions have been the man who has been delivering food and Steve’s gifts. Which I believe may be a problem. Miss Potts and Coronel Rhodes have been trying to contact me continuously for two weeks now and I believe that perhaps it would be best if you agreed to meet with them. I know why you don’t want to see the other Avengers, but surely some company would be beneficial to your mental health.”

“I’m not depressed, JARVIS, I just want to be left alone.”

“I believe, that in this instant, the two are not mutually exclusive.”

“Stop using big words on me when I’m tired.” There were none of Tony’s usual threats and that alone made JARVIS worry. He could see his creator, no, his best friend, fading right before his eyes and there was nothing that he could do about it. Tony had sworn his AI to secrecy over his current whereabouts and although JARVIS could take messages from everyone trying to contact Tony (of which there were now 406), there was nothing he could do to make the man listen to them. Or him for that matter.

“Sir, I should also inform you that you have another delivery from Captain Rogers. Flowers, again. There is another note attached to them, perhaps you should read them today?”

“Send Cap a message telling him where he can stick his flowers.”

“I don’t think I will do that, if it is all the same to you.” Damn his sassy AI to hell. Remind him when he programmed Jarvis to backchat?

“I will donate you to a community college, so help me J!”

“If that is what it takes to please you, Sir, it would be my pleasure.” And now Tony felt guilty about threatening an inanimate computer system. Great. That’s just what he needed.

“Fine, fine. I’ll go and look at Steve’s stupid flowers.”

Tony swore as he staggered out of bed, his legs threatening to give way from a lack of use. It was pathetic, really. Tony was moving like a man twice his age. He felt as weak as one too. Everything was still aching and he was running dangerously low on pain pills. Realistically Tony knew that he couldn’t carry on like this for much longer, but the idea of returning ‘home’ to the Avengers tower did not sound appealing.

He made his way slowly to the lobby where there were sixteen bouquets of flowers in various states of decay strewn across the floor. A delivery guy had been turning up at 6am on the dot every day that Tony had been here, delivering a huge bouquet of flowers from Steve. Even though the super soldier didn’t know where Tony was, he had been conversing with JARVIS back at the tower and had asked the AI to order and deliver flowers to wherever Tony was.

Tony snorted to himself.

As if a few lilies and roses would make anything better.

The sickly scent of rotting plant matter assaulted his nose, making Tony gag as he gathered up the flowers angrily and began shoving them in a bin bag that he had grabbed from the kitchenette in his room. He did, however, remove all of the small envelopes from each bouquet, pocketing them to read later. Once he was done he threw the bag down a nearby garbage chute and proceeded to make his way back to his room. That was enough productivity for one day.

* * *

Tony glowered at the torn up paper and card before him, fists shaking with anger as the empty words Steve had written flooded through his mind. ‘I’m truly so sorry, Tony. Please come back, I need to make this right.’ ‘I’m so sorry, I’m begging you, please come home.’ ‘I don’t know how to fix this, Tony, my love, but please let me try.’ ‘You shouldn’t be alone right now, please baby, even if you don’t want to see me, please let somebody look after you.’ ‘I bought these flowers as they remind me of you, they’re so beautiful. I know that sounds corny, but god, I love you so much.’ ‘I know you must hate me right now, but please know that you don’t hate me as much as I hate myself. Please, for your sake, come back. We are all so worried about you.’ ‘I will make this right.’ ‘I love you with all of my heart.’

Tony felt the anger rising in his veins with each corny proclamation of love that he read, and he had gained exquisite amounts of pleasure from tearing the cards up. Did Steve really think that flowers and empty words would make things better? That he was a fourteen year old girl who could be bought with flowers and a cheesy poem.

Well he wasn’t.

In a fit of rage, Tony grabbed a glass of water from his bedside table and launched it across the room, snorting with satisfaction as it shattered against the wall and crumbled down to the ground in a million little pieces. Just like his heart, he chuckled darkly and finally managed to fall asleep, putting JARVIS on mute to put an end to the AI’s constant nagging about him needing to eat.

* * *

Tony woke with a startled gasp when he heard footsteps in his room, his breath hitching as he hauled himself upright. His heart was hammering in his chest and he found himself hyperventilating frantically. How had Bucky found him?! Tony felt tears spring to his eyes as he scrambled back from his bed, landing with a loud thud on the ground before he had even managed to catch a proper glance at the intruder.

Agony shot through him as he landed hard on his ass, his internal stitches and tender wounds screaming out in pain. Whimpering frantically, Tony held his hands out in front of his face, trying desperately to protect himself.

“Tony, Tony, whoa! It’s me, it’s ok. Sorry for creeping up on you, I told J to say that I was here, but you must have muted him!” Wait, Tony knew that voice.

“R-Rhodey?”

“The one and only.”

“Christ, you trying to give me a heart attack?! How did you get in?”

“Not currently. And you gave me a key years ago, remember?” Rhodey shot Tony a tentative smile before making his way over to the younger man, watching as Tony stumbled to his feet and leant against the wall.

Not for the first time, Tony found himself wondering why he even bothered writing countless security codes into JARVIS if his AI was going to be impertinent enough to let people in regardless of his instructions.

“Hey Ant, you with me now?”

“Looks like, whether I want to be or not.”

“Thanks for the warm welcome. You look like shit by the way. When was the last time you ate?”

Tony grumbled something unintelligible (although undoubtedly rude) under his breath and clambered laboriously into bed. This was the last thing he needed. He made a mental note to write some code into his AI to make him speak in a Birmingham accent. That would serve the fucker right.

“You can’t keep avoiding this, Tony. I know you, you can’t just lock this shit away and pretend that everything is fine. Please, let me help you. I’ve got your back Tone, and I’m so sorry that this shit has happened to you, but you can’t let it defeat you. You are stronger than this, and we both know it. I have a cooler full of takeaway pizza and ice cream, so why don’t we deal with this properly, and then we can talk about you coming back to New York.”

Yep, classic Rhodey. He may be the older man here but he still acted like a college student when off duty. Which was great, because pizza, but the man also had limited acceptance of personal space.

“Just leave me alone, please Rhodey. I can’t deal with this right now.”

“You can and you will, c’mon and move your lazy ass. Don’t make me eat two large pizzas on my own!”

“Nice to see that you are ever the charmer, I’m glad that your bedside manner hasn’t changed.” Tony forced himself to sit up, covering himself self-consciously with his duvet and wincing again.

“C’mon man. You know I care, I really do, which is why I can’t just sit here and let you wallow alone. I know you love the lone wolf aesthetic, but we both know that you can’t deal with this by yourself. Let me in, please?”

“I want to, I really do, but-it’s so hard. I’ve lost everything. I’m not the same man anymore.”

“Of course you are! You are Tony-Motherfucking-Stark and you are a superhero badass, no matter what. Nothing has changed, and you can’t let it change. Otherwise he has won. You will fight this, Tony, and I will be there every step of the way. I’m sorry that you didn’t feel able to come to me before, and that the others fucked you over, but I am here now, and so is Pepper. She’s at a board meeting right now, but she will come to the tower as soon as you are back. You should have seen her the other day, she practically screamed at everyone. They looked terrified, I was pretty sure that Steve and Clint were about to wet themselves in fear when she yelled at them. I think castration was mentioned more than once. We’ve got your back, Tone.”

“I know. I just-I can’t deal with this Rhodey. I thought that I could, but I can’t. I thought that I was ready for anything, made or iron. But I’m not. I’m broken, Rhodes, and I don’t know how to fix myself. It’s not as simple as being able to change a few parts, fiddle around with a screwdriver. I’m not equipped to sort this out and I feel so lost-” Tony’s voice hitched with emotion and, to his humiliation, tears began to stream down his face.

Rhodey’s face contorted with worry and he carefully made his way over to Tony, with his arms raised, making all of his movements slow and deliberate. Very gently, he opened his arms, inviting Tony for a hug if he wanted it. Much to his relief, Tony gingerly rolled out of bed, and after a moment’s hesitation, practically threw himself into his oldest friend’s arms.

Rhodey immediately began to soothe Tony, rubbing his back slowly as the older man breathed in his scent and leant against his friend’s chest for support. In no time at all Rhodey was pretty much the only thing keeping him upright and the gratitude that Tony felt for the other man had peaked. Sure Rhodey had helped him out of multiple shitty situations, but this was something else. Rhodey was the only person he could imagine being around right now, and he was eternally grateful that he hadn’t given up on Tony long ago. He sure had been given plenty of reasons to in the past – Tony had been a dick to his best friend many times, yet Rhodey was always there to ground him. He was a true anchor in the shit-storm that is his life, or whatever.

“I’m not going to tell you that it’s ok, Tony, but it will be. You’ve got me, and Pep, and I promise you that I will be there with you every step of the way, no matter what. You aren’t broken, just damaged, and you have been here before. We’ve been to some pretty dark places, Tone, together and alone, but we always get through. It’s what we do. We survive. And you are going to keep on surviving, no matter how impossible that seems right now. So come on, pizza, movies and ice cream are in order. Now, you go shower, I’ll set up a movie.”

Tony nodded, too mentally exhausted to argue back, and made his way gingerly to the ensuite. Half an hour later he emerged feeling more relaxed than he had in weeks. It was nice knowing that his best friend was just a few rooms away from him, looking out for him and ready and willing to protect him if anything happened. He knew that Rhodey would do anything for him, and that as long as the other man was here, he was safe. Maybe things could get better?

Tony had even managed to make himself feel slightly clean. Yes, he could still feel Bucky all over him when he allowed his brain to wander, but he seemed further away now. Not to mention that it was nice to have washed away the grease from his hair.

He made his way to the communal living area where Rhodey was slouched across his sofa with his fully booted feet resting on Tony’s ludicrously expensive glass coffee table.

“Yeah, sure, just make yourself at home!”

“Are you sassing me? Was that sass? I was right, clearly all is not lost. We can still bring you back from this. The old Tony is in there somewhere.”

“You are such a jerk, remind me why I put up with you?”

“Because I always come baring pizza.”

“I could buy over a hundred pizzerias and get pizza delivered to me by helicopter for every meal of the day if I wanted to.”

“Yes, but it wouldn’t taste as good as the pizza I bring you, the extra ingredient is love.”

“Christ, fine, stop being a sap, you are making me nauseous. Just get your feet off my damn table.”

Rhodey responded by crossing his feet on the table and reclining back further on the sofa, simultaneously throwing a large pizza box at Tony, catching him straight in the chest. He immediately realised his mistake when Tony inhaled sharply in discomfort, but judging by the small smile on his friend’s lips, he knew that he hadn’t messed up too bad.

"Real mature." If it was anyone other than RHodey Tony would have freaked, but the man had been more of a father figure to Tony than Howard had ever been, and for better or worse, he trusted the older man implicitly.

“Right then, Pirates of the Caribbean?”

Tony nodded and much to his surprise, and Rhodey’s, he barely flinched when the other man threw a casual arm around his shoulder.

It was nice to feel protected again.

Even if it wasn’t by Steve and the Avengers.

* * *

“JARVIS, please, just let me video call Tony. I know that you know where he is, I need to speak to him. Please?” Steve’s voice had reached a whole new level of desperation as he sat in Tony’s lab, on the exact spot where he and Bruce had found him post-suicide attempt. Although the blood had been cleared away from the floor, the very essence of the room seemed to have changed and Steve found himself repeatedly torturing himself by curling up on that spot as tears trickled down his face. He deserved this. He had bought it upon himself, had led Tony to suicide. He deserved to feel like shit. But that didn’t stop Tony’s departure from hurting.

All he could do was hope that the AI would take pity on him and finally pass on the message that Steve was desperate to talk to him.

* * *

Tony rolled his eyes when JARVIS announced that Steve was trying to call him, yet again, regretting unmuting the AI. But, now that Rhodey was dozing on the sofa and had made him feel a thousand times better than he had before, Tony was feeling slightly more lenient towards Captain America. It couldn’t do any harm to listen to what he had to say.

“Fine, put him through. I guess that I can’t avoid him forever.”

“As you wish, Sir.”

"Tony? Tony? Can you hear me, is this thin-JARVIS working? Uh-”

“Yeah, I can hear you, and see you. You look like shit.” Tony’s voice was clipped and although he would usually be laughing at Steve’s all too common what-the-hell-is-this-weird-technology-thing face, he saw no humour in the situation. The sight of Steve made his throat constrict, even if it was only being displayed on a hologram.

“I guess that’s because I feel like shit. We all do. Of course not as much as you – I don’t mean to say…I’m not trying to compare or one-up - I mean. God, this is so hard. I thought I knew what to say when I saw you, but- anyway, did you get my flowers? The notes?”

“Yeah. I did.”

“Oh. Um, well. I meant what I said on them, Tony. I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say, but please come home. We miss you. So, so much.”

“I can’t go back, Cap. I’m sorry. I just need time. I can’t face it right now. Every time I walked through a corridor I’d have a flashback, I can still feel his eyes on me, Steve. I don’t even feel safe in my own home. I can’t go back to that. You understand that, right?”

“I do, of course I do. I respect that, but the team needs you, Tony. And I-I need you. This has been torture, being apart from your right now, when all I have wanted to do is comfort you – it’s tearing me apart. I know that I have no leg to stand on here, that this is no less than I deserve, but I have to try. I can’t just sit here and leave you there alone, wherever you are.”

“I’m not alone. I have Rhodey. I’m ok. Or at least, I think I will be, eventually. Anyway, is there any news about-” Tony couldn’t bring himself to say the name, wincing at pained expression upon Steve’s face. It was hard seeing the usually stoic super soldier falling apart in front of him. Part of Tony thought that he should be pleased about this, in some sort of sickly-satisfying way, but he wasn’t. The sight of Steve like this broke his heart even more, especially since he knew that he couldn’t fix it right now. No matter how much part of Tony’s brain was screaming at him to forgive Steve and comfort him, the other was reminding him that Steve had abandoned him, and that he needed to put himself first for once and heal, like Rhodey said.

“Not yet, but we are searching. And I swear Tony, when I get my hands on him- I still can’t get my head around this, but I believe you Tony. I can see the truth now, and I am so sorry that I reacted how I did. I should have believed you from the very start. Maybe then none of this would have happened. This was my fault, and I have every intention of fixing this. When I find Barnes, I promise you, I will kill him.”

“I know you are sorry, Steve. For what it’s worth, I am too. I’m sorry that this has happened. I know this must be awful for you too, he’s your best friend, after all.”

“No. Bucky was my best friend. This-this isn’t Bucky. This is some messed up HYDRA weapon that has been twisted and warped beyond recognition. Yes he looks like Bucky, but that is where the similarities end. I should have seen it sooner, and I’m so sorry for that.”

“Don’t beat yourself up, Steve. I know why you acted the way you did. I don’t forgive you, but I understand.”

“Thank you, that’s more than I could ever ask of you. But please, even if it’s not for me or yourself, please come home for the others. Clint and Nat are crushed. I’ve never seen them work as hard as they are right now, tracking _him_ , and Nat has cried at least nine times to my knowledge. This radio silence is destroying them, they just want to make amends. Even Bruce is falling apart, he’s been hulking out almost every night, keeps blaming himself for all of this. And you know how controlled he usually is.”

“I don’t owe them anything.” Tony snapped, almost immediately regretting it when he saw the tears spilling down Steve’s cheek.

Damn Steve and his all-American goodness. Tony couldn’t even bring himself to hate the super soldier like he had every right to.

“I know, but we owe you. And none of us will rest until we have begun to pay back everything that you have done for us.”

“Soon. I’m not making any promises about a date or anything, but I will come back soon. That’s the best I can do right now.”

“Thank you. God Tony, I love you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I love you so damn much.”

“Yeah. I love you too. That’s the problem.”

Tony disconnected the call and sighed, running a hand over his face as he turned to Rhodey, who must have woken up some time during the video call.

“Steve’s right Tone, as much as I hate saying it. Maybe you should go home, you can’t just say here forever. Running so isn’t your style.”

"I will. As I say, soon. I’m not going to go back just because Steve asks nicely. I don’t owe him anything.”

“No, but you deserve and need to be loved right now. And no matter what these idiots have done to you, you know, deep down, that they love you more than anything. Now go to bed, I’ll watch over you. You look like you could do with a decent night’s sleep.”

“Thanks Rhodey.”

“No charge.”

Tony trudged back to the bedroom and collapsed into bed, smiling softly when Rhodey settled on the sofa in the corner of the room, watching Tony as he dozed off.

Anyone who wanted to hurt his best friend would have to get through him first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I am planning some avenging JARVIS in the next chapter, I just felt like this chapter had to be here to explain a few things and set up for the next couple of chapters that I have planned out. I hope you enjoyed it - you know what to do <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have all the angst because I am an evil bitch, haha. Clearly my subconscious thought the last chapter had too much fluff in it XD
> 
> This chapter may be triggering, with lots of flashbacks (of a sort) to past rape and abuse. Please don't read this if it will upset you!
> 
> And once again, thank you all for being awesome, I hope that you are all well and have been having a good week! Also, happy belated Easter to whoever celebrates (and to all of you who don't, I hope you took full advantage of the cheap chocolate like I did!)

After watching Steve pace up and down consecutively for twenty minutes, Bruce couldn’t help but lose his patience with Steve. The two of them had been discussing Tony for the past two hours and both men were at their wits end. It was taking all of Bruce’s self-control to stop himself from hulking out. The stress of the situation was unparalleled, which in itself is impressive considering the fact that the Avengers fight supervillains for a living. Unsurprisingly the stress was wearing on each of them considerably.

“I know you want to help, Steve, but you have to understand that there is nothing that you can do right now. You aren’t helping Tony by persistently sending him meaningless gifts, why the hell do you think he has gone away to wherever the fuck he is? Because he wants to get away from us. We are half of the problem here – no, more than half. For every single thing that Bucky did, we amplified it and made the situation ten times worse. He needs time, not Hallmark cards and heart shaped confetti. The man’s been raped. I know that you want him back, to make things better, but try not to be selfish right now. We have no idea what really happened, not the true extent of it. Until we know exactly what we are dealing with, we have to treat with caution. We don’t want to trigger him again or make things worse whilst attempting to make them better, like before.”

“Dammit, I know all of that Bruce, but that doesn’t make this any easier. Tony is hurting, of course, but so are we. And until I can get my hands on Barnes…I need to do something. I feel like I’m going insane. I keep having flashbacks to that night – every time I close my eyes I can see him lying on the floor, bleeding out. My goddamn boyfriend tried to kill himself, brutally and violently, can’t you see that this is fucking hard on me too?!”

“Of course I can, he is my friend too. I love Tony as well, in a different way, of course, but that doesn’t give either of us the right to barge in unwanted, and it certainly doesn’t give us the monopoly on deciding how to treat him. Rhodey has assured us that Tony is eating, and sleeping as well as can be expected, and to be honest that is the best that we could hope for at this point in time.”

“I-You’re right. Of course you’re right. I just feel so useless. We have no leads…absolutely nothing. I don’t understand how we still have nothing on him. The entirety of SHIELD is on the lookout and he is still MIA, or whatever. As soon as I get my hands on him, I swear that I will make this better. The thought that he-” Steve cut himself off, shuddering violently. His entire body was tense with stress and Bruce sighed at the sight of his teammate crumbling before him. It was no secret that Steve was slowly but surely falling apart. The super soldier was barely eating at mealtimes and although the serum was keeping him reasonably healthy, even it couldn’t disguise the darkening bags below his eyes or hide the way Steve’s jaw was constantly set, and his brow furrowed.

“We’ll get him. You know we will. This is just a game of cat and mouse, he may be running and hiding at the moment, but chances are that he will get cocky. As soon as he realises that we can’t find him, he will get complacent. And that’s when we will strike. Just look at it like a game of strategy, say chess. We just have to wait for the opposition to make a wrong move. That’s when we strike.”

“But this isn’t a game. This is Tony’s life, my life, hell, all of our lives. And Barnes is dangerous, he’s been twisted, Bruce. Chances are that he is a danger to civilians as well. Lord knows what HYRDRA did do him, but he is dangerous. Whether we like it or not, Barnes is a trained soldier. A weapon. And he will act like one.”

“And so will we. When the time comes. But you need to stop forcing the situation. You will only make things worse. Tony needs to deal with this at his own pace, not at one that is convenient to you. So back the hell up, ok? Now why don’t you do something useful instead of moping around, hand me that tablet will you?”

“I don’t understand how you can be studying and doing research at a time like this. Distracting yourself. Tony is all I can think about right now. My mind is spinning with all the times that I let him down, I keep wondering what would have happened if I had just listened to him in the first place-”

“There’s no point in torturing yourself with could-have-beens and what-ifs. And I am researching because I can’t afford to fall apart right now. Somebody needs to keep it together for Tony, for as and when he comes home, and currently that person isn’t going to be you, so the responsibility lands on my shoulders.”

“I’m sorry.” Steve’s shoulders seemed to slump even lower, if that was possible, and he handed over the aforementioned tablet. “I just-I wish that I knew everything that happened. I’ve tried to research rape cases, and half of what I read is positive, y’know, saying that things will get better, but the other half…the idea of Tony being tormented by this for the rest of his life, severely, is soul destroying. I just want to make things better and protect him. I’m not used to feeling so useless.”

“Welcome to the real world, Steve, this is how the rest of us feel all the time. Useless. But we get by and muddle on through until things eventually work out, just like we will with this. Just take it one step at a time.”

“Yeah.”

Steve slumped into a nearby chair and began to fiddle with one of Bruce’s test tubes, rolling it between his fingers and flicking it around them until he accidentally placed too much pressure on it, and the glass shattered.

Tears immediately sprang to the super soldier’s eyes and he couldn’t help the strangled sob that escaped his throat before he could put up any front of appearing ok. Bruce looked up just in time to see Steve burst into tears. Not a few gentle tears, but full on, ugly bodily sobs that wracked his whole body and made his face scrunch up.

“Steve, c’mon. Things’ll get better.”

“Everything I touch breaks, Bruce. Everybody who I have ever loved – Bucky, Tony. They’re both gone, they’ve both left me, in different ways. I pushed Tony away and I don’t think I can make it better. I’ve lost him. And Bucky, he’s gone. He never really came back. He’s just a distant memory from seventy years ago. I’ve never felt so alone. I’m part of the wrong time, Bruce. It would have been better if I’d never woken up – I break everything around me, destroy it. I’m meant to protect people, but I failed at protecting the one person who means the most to me.”

“Shhh, things will look up. You’re exhausted, you need to get some rest. C’mon, let me take you up to your room. Things will look better tomorrow.”

“I can’t sleep, the bed feels so empty without Tony. I just want him back. I need him back.”

“Give him time, Steve. He’ll come back. He loves you, nothing will change that.”

“Thanks Bruce. I’m going to sleep in Tony’s room. I’ll see you later.”

Bruce nodded and rested his hand on Steve’s shoulder before the soldier walked out of the room, collapsing into a nearby seat himself when his Captain had left. He was drained too but at least he seemed to have gotten through to Steve.

Come to think of it, getting some sleep probably wasn’t a bad idea for him either.

* * *

 

“JARVIS, do you have any footage of what happened to Tony, any at all?”

“I am afraid that I was instructed to delete all of the video files showing Barnes and Mr Stark together, and I was forbidden from recording anything. Twice.”

“If I know Tony at all, I know that he is a ‘rules are made to be broken person,’ I’m pretty sure he must have installed some of that into you, or something. I know you, JARVIS. And I know Tony. I’m pretty damn sure that you have a copy of those files somewhere. What was it Tony told me, even when you delete information, most of the time you aren’t fully deleting it. Like there’s still a trace. Y’know, incognito mode doesn’t hide your kinky porn searches from everyone, your provider can still see it and all that. Or at least that’s what Tony said. Or warned, I guess. But anyway, please. I know that you must have a copy of the files somewhere, even if you were instructed to delete the original files. I know you, JARVIS. I know you have Tony’s best intentions at heart, I don’t believe for one moment that you didn’t go against such self-destructive instructions. Please, I know that you are mad at me, rightly so, but I just want to help. You know that, don’t you?”

“There might be an override code.”

“Brilliant. Where can I find it?”

“Tony has it on his encrypted tablet, which can be found in his bedside drawer, the one beside you.”

The tablet that Steve knew the password for. Finally something was going right.

Steve practically yanked the handle of the drawer off in his haste to open it, fumbling with Tony’s tablet and turning it on. It took him a good while, but eventually he found the code.

“Got it JARVIS, override code OA92OAHSLKM-35….” Steve was interrupted by JARVIS.

“Captain, I understand your desire to view the files, but I hope you realise that these videos are incredibly disturbing. I wouldn’t wish anybody to view them, they-well, you will never be able to forget what you see. Do you understand that?”

“I understand. I need to do this. For Tony.”

“Then may I suggest that you ask someone to be with you, for support.”

“I thought you didn’t want anyone to see these videos?”

“Yes, but I also know that you are too stubborn to heed my advice, and that all of you work better as a team, rather than when you are set against each other. It is important for all of the Avengers to support each other, now more than ever. As you say, for Master Stark’s sake. If you are going to watch it, I wish that you will not do it alone.”

“I’ll call Bruce, Nat and Clint.”

* * *

 

Ten minutes later all four of the remaining Avengers in Stark Tower were sat in the communal lounge, each with a grimmer expression than the next, except for Nat, who had her old stoic mask pasted back on.

“Are you ready to watch these, I-I don’t know if this is right. I mean, do you think we are invading Tony’s privacy watching these? Surely he would have remembered that JARVIS would keep a spare copy of these files?”

“Perhaps not, the human body has an amazing ability to block things when it is under a considerable amount of stress, especially things that are traumatic. It is entirely possible that Tony blocked out the idea of being able to see the footage because his brain knew it would be incredibly damaging psychologically. Self-preservation at its finest.”

“But what if we are violating his privacy?”

“I think Tony would want us to know, and he’s not going to tell us everything that happened, is he?” Clint finally spoke up, glancing at the others and tearing his eyes away from Natasha’s hair, which he was absently braiding – something that he often did subconsciously when he was worried or nervous.

“At least if we know what we are dealing with, we will be able to help. C’mon J, play them.” Natasha’s voice gave nothing away, but judging by the way she was gnawing on some loose skin on her thumb, she was just as uncomfortable as the rest of them.

“Of course, Agent Romanoff. As you wish. And just to be clear, Master Stark does not know that I have copies of these videos, as far as he is concerned, his attempt of keeping them as evidence was thwarted when Barnes found him watching them back.”

_Jesus. Tony had re-watched these things?_

The giant plasma screen in front of them lit up and the Avengers immediately noticed the small white date in the corner of the screen, which stated a date two months previously. God, his had been going on for months. And they had let it continue, had only just realised…the thought was sickening.

The video before them was CCTV from the corridor leading between the living room and the kitchen. Tony’s back was to the camera, but what really caught the Avenger’s interest was the metal arm that snapped out from behind the living room door, catching Tony by the throat and pulling him violently into the living room. Everything had happened so quickly, it was no wonder that Tony had been unprepared to fight back.

 Bruce winced at the brutality, remembering how Tony had started wearing turtleneck jumpers all those weeks ago – probably to hide the bruises caused by this incident.

The scene cut forward a few seconds and the vantage point changed to the camera in the living room, clearly showing Tony being pinned against the wall effortlessly by Bucky. His face was red from a lack of oxygen and his head kept banging painfully against the wall. He was struggling with all of his might, to no avail. The super soldier was far stronger than Tony without his suit and Steve’s heart clenched when he realised just how defenceless Tony had been. He always viewed his partner as strong, but it was important to remember that although he had a super-strength suit and was a genius, he was still human, like Clint and Natasha. He was vulnerable.

Every time that the screen version of Bucky punched Tony, Steve flinched, his entire body jolting as if he too were being struck.

“How did we not know. How did we not see this? I-” Steve blanched, wiping a tear angrily from the corner of his eyes. He was damned if he was going to look away or miss a second of this. He owed it to Tony to suffer through this. To understand what had happened. To face up to the facts and realise just how badly he had failed, and on how many levels.

However, even Natasha turned away when Bucky hit Tony so hard in the chest that he was sent sprawling onto the floor in a pool of his own vomit.

* * *

 

The next clip showed Tony sat at his desk, working as always until he was interrupted by Bucky dropping down from one of the vents. The sight made Clint’s stomach flip – how had he not realised that of course Bucky would have had access to every part of the tower through the vents, just like he had. There was no way that the older man would have been able to escape – nowhere within his own home offered him a place to seek privacy and to get away. No wonder the poor guy didn’t feel safe in his own tower – felt that he had run away to wherever the fuck he was. Clint couldn’t blame him.

“Damn.”

 _“”I will destroy you Stark, and you will let me, because deep down you know that I am right. You are worthless. You deserve this. To be in pain.”_ Tears were rolling freely down Clint’s cheeks now as he watched Tony physically deflate before him. Proud, arrogant, wonderful Tony genuinely believed every false word coming out of Bucky’s mouth. He believed that he was worthless, and the other Avengers had backed this statement up by treating him like shit. Had forced Tony’s self-esteem, confidence and worth so low that he had tried to kill himself. And almost succeeded in doing so.

He buried his face in his hands and didn’t pull away when Natasha wrapped her arms around him, sobbing equally hard into the nape of his neck as they sat in silence, waiting for more horrors to assault them.

* * *

 

Nobody was prepared for the following recording.

They knew that Tony had been mistreated at home, when they were there, no doubt. But none of them had realised that it had been done right under their very noses, in the same room.

In front of them they could see a previous incarnation of themselves, curled up eating popcorn and watching movies as Bucky wrapped his arms around Tony and began to cut him underneath a blanket.

His false comradery had them fooled, but how had they not noticed the real reason for Tony going so pale. God, their friend was practically being pinned down by the so called ‘friendly’ arm around his shoulders.

 _“Hey Tony, you look rather pale over there…I’ll protect you from the scary monsters.” I_ f only Clint had realised that the _scary monster_ was in that very room, mutilating Tony and demeaning him in the worst possible way. Clint had mocked Tony, made him feel even more pathetic and vulnerable for a laugh.

Dammit.

He was meant to be deaf, not blind, Clint thought darkly to himself.

* * *

 

Tony was pressed up against the wall in his own bedroom, Bucky bringing a sharp knife down hard on his arm. Blood was pooling onto the floor at his feet and all Steve could think of was how he had lain beside Tony in bed, fucked him after meek reassurances that it was Dummy who had accidentally caused the damage.

Why hadn’t he just probed further?

Insisted that Tony needed medical attention.

Reassured his lover that he could tell him anything, no matter what.

Let him know how much he cared.

The sight of himself kissing Tony and running his hands over the cuts that Bucky had caused made Steve want to scream.

* * *

 

There were over a hundred clips in total, mostly short, thank god. Bucky knocking Tony down the stairs, bumping into him and conveniently getting in the way and tripping up.

It was soul destroying to see how with every passing day and recording, Tony seemed to shrivel further into himself and become smaller and smaller. He was literally losing weight before their eyes, but the real difference was revealed by Tony’s body language. He usually held himself so high, tall and proud despite his physical height, but this new Tony looked withered away and fragile.

How had they not seen this before?

* * *

 

One of the most horrific recordings showed Tony coming in from the gala he had attended with Pepper. He’d only just set foot in the door when Bucky had appeared, seemingly out of the shadows, screaming at him when he’d noticed a lipstick kiss on Tony’s pale skin. An innocent kiss (one of the few signs of affection Tony had received recently, from his friend).

_“Of course you are a cheat, you fucking filthy slut…fucking scum…Steve deserves so much better...”_

All three Avengers cried silently as they watched Bucky hitting Tony in the ribs so brutally that he could barely breathe, and then as Bucky started kicking him repeatedly until Tony had no fight left in him. _“Worthless, Piece. Of. Scum. Why. Don’t. You. Just. Kill. Yourself. And. Put. Steve. Out. Of. His. Misery.”_

Tony had followed Bucky’s orders. He had tried to kill himself. Please, please, please god, please tell me that Tony didn’t think he was doing me a favour by trying to-to kill himself. How could Tony not see how much Steve loved him, how beautiful and perfect he is? How could his beautiful partner not see that he was so, so worthy of everything good in the world. Had he really believed that he was making Steve miserable?

Then again, it wasn’t as if Steve had done much to reassure him otherwise.

Steve had to excuse himself for ten minutes, running into the bathroom screaming into his arms and punching the wall until he could finally regain control of himself. The other Avengers didn’t comment on his bleeding knuckles when he returned, and didn’t question his decision to punch a hole through half a meter thick tile and concrete.

* * *

 

_“Tell me, Tony, has he ever screamed my name whilst he’s been fucking you? I bet he has.”_

The hollow look in Tony’s eyes was too much for Steve to bear. Of course he didn’t think of Bucky when he was with Tony, he had never felt that way about his childhood friend. But how was Tony to have known that. What with his self-esteem issues, he probably would have believed that Steve thought of Bucky whilst cumming if the other super soldier had told him so.

The look in Tony’s eyes showed Steve that he truly did believe that Steve preferred Bucky over himself.

* * *

 

Steve didn’t even bother to hold back the anguished scream that escaped him when he saw Tony forced to his knees in front of Bucky, sporting the black eye that he himself had caused.

_“So, looks like Steve finally gave you what you deserved.”_

No, no, no. Tony, you don’t deserve that. Never that. I will never hurt you again. I promise.

* * *

 

_“You are nothing but vermin. A hole for Steve to use as and when he pleases.”_

No. You are so much more than that, Tony. So, so much more. None of us deserve you.

Natasha looked away when Bucky pulled out his cock and began to violently pummel Tony’s mouth, barely noticing how hard she was digging her nails into the flesh of her arms until Clint gingerly uncurled her fingers from her arm. The half-moon shaped cuts barely registered, even as she watched small droplets of blood forming and oozing out of them.

Steve cried alongside the past version of Tony as he watched his entire body being rocked by the strength of Bucky’s thrusts. He hated to think how much pain Tony must have been in, both physically and emotionally as he was humiliated and forced to blow the super soldier.

* * *

 

Everybody looked away when Bucky yanked down Tony’s trousers and forced his fingers into Tony’s ass, dry. They didn’t have to watch, the sound of Tony sobbing as he was stroked to hardness and forced to cum was more than enough to scar them for life.

The whimpering seemed to resonate the room long after the speakers had stopped playing the awful sounds.

When Tony was forced to cum, Bruce excused himself to go and Hulk-out. The last words he heard were “ _such an eager little cock slut._ ”

And that’s exactly what he and Clint had accused Tony of being when they had walked in on him blowing Bucky. If only they had known then what they knew now.

It must have been dreadful hearing those words being hissed by Bucky as he was raped, but no doubt the words must have been a thousand times more cruel when spat out by his supposed friends.

* * *

 

“JARVIS, turn it off. Please. I can’t do this anymore.” Steve half screamed, half sobbed at the AI when he was forced to watch Bucky cum all over Tony’s face when the other Avengers had left the common room that fateful day.

“Of course, Captain. I do have access to some more footage of Barnes actually penetrating Tony, from a street CCTV camera, if you feel the need to-”

“No. No more. Please, no more.”

* * *

 

Clint, Natasha and Steve sat stock still in the lounge for over an hour before any of them spoke, none of them possessing the will or the capacity to speak. They were too busy processing everything that had happened. Even in their wildest imaginations, they could never have come up with anything half as horrific when contemplating what had happened to their friend.

With nothing to say, they simply bade each other good night with nods and tentative squeezes of each other’s shoulders.

They all knew that none of their nights were going to be good in any shape or form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I'm mean XD 
> 
> But at least the team now know what they are up against so that they can start making things better - I have a cute idea for how they are going to start making amends, which will begin next chapter :D


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you again for being awesome - I will respond to all of your comments tomorrow, don't worry, I haven't forgotten! I've just been super busy (hence the late post). I am currently working three jobs so finding time to write has been a struggle!
> 
> I hope that you enjoy the next chapter <3
> 
> And thank you all again <3 I can't thank you all enough, you wonderful, beautiful people <3

Saturday Morning – Stark Tower

“C’mon JARVIS, I thought that we were making progress, come on dude, this isn’t funny anymore. You’ve had your kicks, c’mon, haven’t you tortured me enough. I mean, you know I’m doing my best man.”

“I am sorry, Agent Barton, but I do not know what you are referring to.”

“Do you really expect me to believe that? I know that you are punishing me still, but really, ice cold showers? Are you trying to give me brain freeze?”

“I’m sorry, I was unaware that you were having plumbing issues.”

“JARVIS, the hot water is working in every room in this shower apart from my private bathroom. And I don’t believe that it’s a coincidence that when I used Nat’s bathroom, the water there was ice cold for the first time. You’ve had your fun, please, just one hot shower. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“I will call for a plumber to fix your shower, Agent.”

* * *

It didn’t go unnoticed that when Clint next went to the bathroom, the hot tap actually worked as he washed his hands despite no plumber having entered his room.

Clint knew that he deserved to be taught a lesson, but hell hath no fury like a superhuman AI scorned and even Clint, ever the practical joker, was beginning to get annoyed by JARVIS’ antics. He knew that the AI was still furious with all of them, and rightly so, but this was beginning to drive him mad. They were doing their best, or at least the best that they currently could.

He hadn’t failed to notice how all of Natasha’s white t-shirts and underwear had come back from the dry cleaner’s stained pink, despite the staff at the laundrette swearing blind that the clothes were white when they left the stall.

Not to mention the fact that all of the coffee in the building had been switched to deaf, which had almost caused Bruce to Hulk-out.

Which c’mon, below the belt or what?

“Thanks JARVIS, I appreciate you fixing that. I promise that I will make things up to Tony. We all will. We just need a chance.”

“Of course, Agent.” The AI’s tone sounded slightly less curt than usual, but maybe that was just wishful thinking.

* * *

Steve wiped away the splatter of paint that had been flicked onto his nose by Bruce, who was sticking his tongue out in concentration as he finished off the corner of the ceiling that he had been painting. The scientist was perched precariously on a stepladder and although he was ridiculously meticulous in terms of all things science, interior decorating was not his forte. But that wasn’t going to stop him from trying and doing his damned best.

It had been Steve’s idea - to renovate all of the rooms that Tony had been attacked in. In his mind, he hoped that Tony would feel safer in his home environment if it didn’t remind him of the times Bucky had attacked him. The team had put together all of their savings (they weren’t going to use Tony’s own money for this) and had employed a team of twenty painters and decorators. It was all part of a master plan to prove how much Tony meant to them, although admittedly it was just a small step in the right direction.

Together they had completely transformed the communal living area and Tony’s lab, and they were now focussed on Tony’s bedroom. All of the fittings and furniture in the rooms had been changed, the walls painted, the floors re-carpeted or tiled, the ceilings painted and they had even replaced the decorations. Together with Pepper, Steve had chosen new paintings and drawings, including some that he had drawn himself showing the genius at work in his lab. Tony always bemoaned Steve drawing him as he worked on his suits or tablets, but he secretly loved the tender look in Steve’s eyes as he drew his lover. Hopefully he would still appreciate the drawings.

Captain America has even picked out some sculptures and new bedding in glorious shades of red and gold. He couldn’t resist, although online shopping had been an uphill battle that had almost ended in Steve hauling one of Tony’s laptops through a window.

However, what he was the most proud of was the changes to Tony’s lab. He had added new storage for Tony’s tools and had given him an even bigger desk – Tony was always complaining that he didn’t have enough room to work, despite having built himself a state of the art lab from start to finish. He’d also taken the liberty of ordering Tony some new state of the art tools – no doubt Tony would fine-tune them at a later date, but it was the thought that counts.

Steve hoped that he knew Tony well enough to make him an even better lab. Tony always said that Steve often knew him better than he knew himself. Hopefully that was still the case. Of course, he knew that this wouldn’t fix anything, but hopefully it would at least make Tony feel less wary in his own tower when he came back. Anything to help him avoid potential flashbacks would be ideal.

He’d spent almost every waking hour renovating the rooms and overseeing the decorators, tweaking every minor detail until he deemed the rooms perfect. It was the perfect distraction from the man-hunt and the mental anguish that was plaguing him every time he stopped and allowed himself to think.

All that was left was the last lick of paint of the far wall, which Clint was edging.

The Avengers had all been involved, including Nat who added a feminine touch with cushions and some soft furnishings and had hand carved some detailing into Tony’s new bedside table with some of her favourite knives – she had smacked Clint hard with one of the cushions when he had pointed out that perhaps she did have a ‘girly’ and affectionate side after all.

They mainly worked in silence, occasionally voicing their worry over Tony or commenting on how good the room looked, but to be honest they were all too busy wallowing in regret and remorse to be jovial. Usually in a team setting they would be chatting, listening to obnoxiously loud music and chatting as they worked, but now didn’t seem to be the time.

The silence was broken by the shrill ringing of Clint’s phone, his Batman theme tune ringtone making Steve jump.

“Sorry, gotta go. Rhodey’s calling.” Clint excused himself from the room, leaving Steve and Bruce to finish the last coats of paint as he made his way to his own bedroom. He listened intently as Rhodey explained that he had to leave Tony, and Clint found himself promising that he would pop over to visit Tony that evening, despite his reservations. Surely he was the last person that Tony wanted to see now?!

* * *

Saturday Morning – Tony’s Private Island.

Tony woke with a grumble when he heard a crashing sound coming from the kitchen below him. A week ago that would have sent him straight into a panic attack, but after putting up with Rhodey and his insufferable cooking habits for the past seven days, this awakening was sadly not unexpected.

“Jesus, it’s 10am.” Tony grumbled into his pillow, rolling onto his front and smushing his face into his pillow in protest. Of course, nobody was in the room to hear him moaning and complaining about his early-bird friend, but ranting under his breath helped somewhat. Rhodey is an early bird, past Tony used to be a night owl and now, well, now Tony saw himself as more of a permanently exhausted pigeon. Not that he would ever tell Hawkeye that- bird jokes were reserved for the archer alone.

After another series of crashes Tony accepted that he was never going to get back to sleep, so he scooped himself out of bed and made his way down to the communal kitchen. It was a mess of pots, pans and flour and Tony wondered if Rhodey had somehow set off an explosive device in there or something.

“Hey hun, I’m making pancakes!” Rhodey swirled round in a ridiculous apron depicting a woman’s torso in a bikini, and was brandishing a whisk in one hand. Ah, domesticity.

“Yes, I heard. In fact, I think the next Island over heard, hope you made enough for fifty people!”

“You’re jealous of my domestic skills.”

“Indeed, Nigella had better watch out. Pass a couple over then. If you are going to insist on waking me up at such an ungodly hour, the least you can do is feed me.”

“You’re such a brat. Half of the day is pretty much already over! It’s gone ten!”

“I think you’ll find that is still night-time in my books, how many times do I have to tell you?” Tony slouched over to the coffee maker and began filtering some of his strongest coffee beans, specially imported from Costa Rica. He needed about two litres of coffee to put up with Rhodey.

“Well some of us have important things to do!” Rhodey waggled a spatula in Tony’s face before plonking some pancakes on a plate in front of him, chuckling at Tony’s disgruntled expression and dishevelled hair. Mornings really didn’t suit the genius.

“Whatever, shut up and pass me the syrup.”

“Is that the right way to talk to your best friend who kindly made you breakfast out of the goodness of his own heart?!” Rhodey laughed, tossing the syrup at Tony before shovelling a pancake straight from the saucepan into his mouth. He cursed when it burnt the roof of his mouth.

“Serves you right. But seriously, what’s the rush?” Trust Tony to never miss a beat, Rhodey sighed.

“The thing is, I’ve been called away by Fury. I tried to put him off but you know what he’s like. He really does take after his name. I’ve already spent a week away and he wants me on the team searching for-”

“It’s ok. I understand. I want you to catch the fucker as much as Fury does. Hell, more than Fury does.”

“I know, I just – I don’t want to leave you here on your own, man. I know that you can look after yourself and all that, but I worry about you. You need someone to make sure that you’re eating and sleeping right, I know what you’re like.”

“I’m not a child Rhodey. I know wasn’t looking after myself before you came, but I’m in a better place now, trust me. I can look after myself, I promise. Besides, eating less will probably do me a favour, I’m going to get fat if I keep eating pancakes and waffles for breakfast.”

“But they’re your favourite!”

“I know Rhodey, I was just playing with you. I appreciate everything that you’ve done, but Fury is right. Besides, I don’t want you to put your ass on the line for me. Go do what you’ve got to do.”

“Well it is a rather fine ass, I must say. You sure you can live without it for a while?”

“How many times, you’re not my type. Now hop it and leave me in peace, can’t a man get any rest on his own private island?”

“Not on my watch!”

Rhodey shovelled down a couple more pancakes before walking out of the kitchen, still wearing his ridiculous apron.

He was gone less than an hour later and Tony’s private island seemed quieter and lonelier than it ever had before.

* * *

Saturday Afternoon – Tony’s Private Island.

Tony continued tinkering with the coffee machine that he had started upgrading half an hour ago out of sheer boredom. Now that he had broken through the barrier of lethargy and moping in bed all day, thanks to Rhodey, boredom was beginning to set in. He longed for his lab, or at least the projects he had tucked away down there. The idea of actually going back to the tower and into the lab where Bucky had assaulted him, however, was not so appealing.

Then again, at this point, even that was preferable to the boredom. He’d already improved the efficiency of the microwave in his room, updated some of JARVIS’ coding and was busy upgrading the security systems around the house. Anything to keep occupied.

“Hey, JARVIS, how’s that new piece of code feel, buddy?”

“I am functioning better than ever, sir. Thank you.”

“Brilliant. And how are things back at the tower, report on everyone’s status?”

“Everyone appears to be doing well, sir. Or as well as we could hope for. They are all showing signs of extreme remorse, though. I truly believe that - Error Code 92-” JARVIS’ voice seemed to fade mid-sentence, leaving nothing but static on the overhead speakers. Tony looked around the room in fear, dropping the screwdriver that he was fiddling with and backing into the corner, body tensing.

JARVIS never simply malfunctioned. Hello, he was built by Tony himself.

“J? What’s going on buddy?”

Silence.

“JARVIS?!”

The only response Tony got was the lights and every electronic gadget in the house switching off, leaving Tony in a relatively dark room. The only light coming from the window which looked out over the island’s shoreline and the backup safety lights that he had installed.

Tony swore under his breath and grabbed one of the many guns that he kept hidden around the house, this one a .45 pistol that he kept in the drawer of his side table.

Somebody must have cut his electricity supply and Tony’s stomach flipped uncomfortably when he considered who would bother doing that to him.

One candidate sounded more obvious than others.

Tony shook violently as he slowly made his way around his house, gun raised as he went from room to room with his gun poised. However, the house was completely empty and when he finally made his way to the electrical power supply in his basement, there was no sign of anybody having been there apart from the electricity switch having been turned to off.

Tony turned it on and breathed a sigh of relief when the lights flickered to life. He glanced around again and did another three laps of the house before finally convincing himself that nobody was inside.

“JARVIS? Are you back with me?”

“Affirmative, Sir. I apologise for my previous malfunction.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t send you to a community college just yet. What happened?” Tony tried to keep the fear from his voice but he knew that he wasn’t succeeding.

“I’m not sure, Sir. I believe somebody tampered with me, but I am still unable to find any trace of anybody here. I’m not sure if someone is somehow interfering with my heat sensors and cameras, but I can’t sense any movement in the house.”

“Right. I guess I’ll just wait here then.”

Tony collapsed onto his sofa, gun in hand, slumping forward with his head in his hands and waiting to be attacked out of the blue.

Suffice to say, he didn’t get any rest that evening, spending the entire time he was sat on his sofa hoping against all hope that Rhodey would return sooner than expected. He briefly considered checking outside, but if he was going to be attacked, he’d rather do it in the comfort of his own home, thank you very much.

* * *

Saturday Night – Tony’s Private Island.

Tony jumped out of his skin when he heard the doorbell ring, entire body shaking as he made his way to the front door. Rationally he knew that if Bucky was really here and trying to attack him, he wouldn’t enter through the front door, but what if he was aiming for the element of surprise or something? Hiding in plain sight and all that.

Tony stopped when his legs almost gave way halfway down the hallway, leaning against the wall heavily and slumping down to the ground when the doorbell rang again. He stayed perfectly still on his haunches, waiting.

This couldn’t be happening again.

He couldn’t let Bucky in again.

What if he…

Tony’s breaths were coming thick and fast now and he felt like he was trying to breathe through a room full of jelly. The air was thick, clogging up his lungs and Tony felt as though he was drowning in it.

His vision span wildly and he found himself collapsing to the ground fully, sprawling out on his side as he desperately gasped for breath, tears pouring down his cheeks as he trembled and waited for Bucky to just break down the door or something. It wasn’t as if a door was a match for the super soldier, no matter how many locks Tony had installed on it.

He was vaguely aware of somebody calling his name, no doubt Bucky yelling at him to not be a coward and to just accept his fate, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Pathetic. Tony was a pathetic, useless piece of shit who couldn’t even look after himself and a few pancakes and movie nights with his oldest friend wasn’t going to fix that. He was stupid for letting himself hope that things could get better.

That he could be better.

Tony might as well just let Bucky end him, because there was no point in carrying on anymore anyway. So much for healing. Of course, Tony was far too broken to be fixed.

“TONY!”

Tony cowered against the wall, covering his face with his arms and curling up around his stomach defensively when he heard his name being yelled from outside, and furious pounding on the door.

“Tony, open up!”

Tony couldn’t make out Bucky’s words over the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears, instead curling up and accepting the beating that he was no doubt about to achieve.

Ah, yes, there it was. Tony was vaguely aware of the splintering sound of wood being broken as his front door was smashed to the ground. He kept his eyes screwed tight shut, small whimpers and moans the only thing he let slip as he lay on the ground quivering.

He tensed, waiting for the pain to start.

The pain that never came.

“Tony? Tony? What the hell? Tony, come on Tone, it’s me. It’s only me, he isn’t here. He isn’t going to hurt you, I just came to check up on you. Rhodey phoned me, he thought you could do with some company.”

That voice sounded familiar.

“Tony?”

“Barton?”

“The one and only!” Tony opened his eyes weakly and let out a choked sob of relief when his former friend’s face came into vision. He blinked away the blurriness and fog surrounding him, flinching back from Clint’s proffered hand and sitting himself up, still gasping in shuddering breaths.

“Tony? What happened?” Clint ran a hand through his hair worriedly, clearly half wanting to reach out and comfort Tony, and half not wanting to frighten him further.

“I-JARVIS broke earlier. I thought he was here, and then – then you came and-” Tony’s voice hitched and he had to pause for a few moments, grounding himself by clocking the items and smells around him briefly before fully taking in the sight in front of him.

Everything seemed to come in to focus in a matter of seconds and Tony groaned.

His first thought was _why the fuck is Clint dressed in a bikini?_ And his second thought, of course, was _fuck_. He’d made himself look like a twat in front of his teammate again.

“Why are you dressed in a bikini?”

“Y’know, private island vibes and all that. I thought you would need a laugh, which -” Clint cleared his throat pointedly, having the decency to look away as Tony shamefacedly wiped the tears away from his face.

“Well, that’s one way to put a man off his next meal. Don’t you have a nest to be building in my vents at the tower or something? What are you doing here? I distinctly remember telling Rhodey and JARVIS not to tell anyone where I am.”

“Charming. And nope, my nest is fully completed, thank you. Ready for all the hot chicks. And I’m here because I care about you, Tony. Whether you like it or not, so I might as well do something useful whilst I’m here. It’s not as if I have any other leads to be following right now. So what’s all this about JARVIS?”

“He went down a couple of hours ago. JARVIS never goes down. I’ve got him back now, but I can’t shift the feeling that someone – that he’s, I don’t know. I just feel like I’m not alone here anymore.”

“Well, you’re not. I’m here now. I’ve got your back. I know I was an ass, and I’m not going to ask you to forgive me or anything, but at least let me stay for tonight. I’ll take a look around, make sure that nobody’s here except for us two. Yeah? I can keep watch outside your room tonight if you want?”

“I-that’d be great. But I’m coming with you. It’s not like I’m going to get any sleep tonight anyway. But for the love of god, please put some decent clothes on.”

“For a man with as many Chanel and Gucci suits as you, you have no sense of fashion.”

“Whatever you say, Birdbrain.”

Both men set out into the darkness together, once Clint had pulled on some jeans and a black t-shirt, thank god.

“Tony?”

“Yeah?”

“Please come back with me tomorrow. Things will change, I promise. They have already begun to. And I can’t leave you here, not after all this weird stuff going down.”

“Fine.”

Tony would go back tomorrow, reluctantly or not.

He was going to be miserable no matter where he was, so he may as well do so surrounded by Avengers who would hopefully protect him this time.

Not that Tony was holding his breath for that eventuality.

* * *

A dark figure retreated back from the tree he was stood behind, smirking slightly at Stark’s defensive poise as he walked alongside his fellow Avenger in the darkness.

“Soon.” He whispered under his breath.

He disappeared into the night, finally satisfied with how things were going. It had taken him far too long to track the genius down. But now they were together and he had already succeeded in rattling Tony, psyching him out. Tony was frightened, and that made him vulnerable.

Which was all Bucky needed and wanted. He liked to play with his prey.

Now he just had to wait for the right time to attack, and wait.

And if there is one thing that Bucky Barnes is good at doing at, it’s waiting.

As soon as Clint was gone, he would strike. Of course, he could take Barton down as well, but Bucky wanted Tony to be completely alone when he made his next move. He needed Tony to know his place and exactly what he was without Steve – nothing, and nobody.

Tony would pay for ruining Bucky’s chances with Steve. In the worst possible way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, and if there is anything you would like to see in particular, pop it in a comment and I'll see what I can do <3


	14. Chapter 14

“C’mon Tony,” Clint sighed, finally accepting that nobody was around. He lowered his bow before continuing, brow furrowed in concern when he took in his friend’s haggard appearance. Tony looked dreadful, hair oily and sticking up at all angles. “We might as well go back now, there’s nothing much we can do out here anyway. Let’s just stick it out for one night, then we can go back home.” Clint reached out to pat Tony on the shoulder before pausing with his hand mid-air, realising that he probably shouldn’t start touching Tony until he had the other man’s permission. Despite Rhodey’s reassurances that Tony was doing better, it was clear that the man was still jumpy as hell and scared out of his wits. Understandably.

  
The last thing Clint wanted to do was make it worse…again.

  
“I can’t. He’s here Clint, I’m sure of it. I can’t – we can’t let him get in. What if he- Please? Just one more look?”

  
“Tony, we’ve done about three laps of the island and to be honest, I’m ready to drop, and I know damn well that you are too. C’mon. I’ll stay in your room if you want, keep an eye on you. You need to get some sleep, you look like shit.” Clint hung his bow over his shoulder and tucked his previously drawn arrow back into his quiver. He half agreed with Tony that things were suspicious, and that something was definitely wrong, but at the same time wandering around in circles in pitch black was hardly a safe course of action anyway.

  
“Fine. But I don’t need a damn bodyguard. Despite popular belief, I am perfectly capable of looking after myself. Or do you think that poor little beaten and broken Tony can’t stick up for himself? Am I just another victim to you now?!” Tony’s jaw was set and his eyes were burning with fury, but deep down Clint knew that it wasn’t really aimed at him and that Tony was simply misdirecting his anger to an easier target. Or at least a present one.

  
“Of course not, I never said that. But you do need help right now, and I’m the one who’s going to provide it. So put up and shut up.”

  
“What, so I get no choice over my own mind and body now, is that it? I can’t look after myself without being raped and abused like some weak-”

  
“Tony! Don’t you dare for one moment suggest that you are weak? Or that any victim of abuse is for that matter.” Clint kicked a stone angrily before continuing. “I know damn well that you must have hacked into my file at one point or another, that you must know more about my past than you have any right to know. I was abused when I was a kid, do you think that I’m weak, that I’m a victim? Because I’m not.”

  
“No, Clint. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. That wasn’t what I meant, but-”

  
“No harm done. But please, you can’t give in to this. You need to keep swimming, or you’ll go under.” Clint reached forward, this time not pulling back before he reached Tony. Very carefully he wrapped his arms around the smaller man’s shoulders, pulling him in and hugging him as Tony melted into his grip. “That’s it. I’ve got you now. Things will get easier, Tony. I promise, everything will start to hurt less over time.”

  
“But when? I don’t know how much longer I can carry on like this. I constantly feel on the brink. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over this, not until-”

  
“Well it’s a good job that we will get him then. He’ll never lay another finger on you Tony, not if I, or the rest of the Avengers have anything to do about it. And Steve, well, I’d hate to be Bucky right now, because I swear Steve is going to rip him apart into a million little pieces. If I don’t get to him first.” Clint ruffled Tony’s hair and pulled back from their embrace, letting out a small smile of contentedness when he realised that he may finally have made a bit of a breakthrough.

  
At least Tony hadn’t punched him in the face for touching him, or had another panic attack. Clint didn’t know if he could cope with the emotional strain of dealing with two panic attacks in one day.

* * *

“Night buddy.”

  
“Are you sure about this, Clint? You can’t be comfy. At least let me get another bed in here or-”

  
“Will you stop worrying so much, you’re meant to be resting and shutting your brain down, not letting it whir around at one hundred miles an hour. I’m fine on the sofa.” Clint jumped onto the sofa to illustrate this, stretching out like a cat before plonking his legs on the armrest and reclining. He looked relaxed, but Tony didn’t miss the fact that Clint’s hand was firmly resting over his gun handle. “Besides, I have no intention of sleeping. I need to watch out for you.”

  
“You are such a perv, watching me sleep? That’s creepy, even for you.” Tony smirked but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. With a huff he sighed out, “Clint, you need some sleep too.” Tony ran his hands across his face as he wandered into the bathroom to get changed into some pyjamas. Usually he slept naked, Steve claiming that he liked how Tony’s arc reactor lit up the room in a soothing way, but right now the idea of undressing in front of someone else set Tony on edge. Then again, practically everything was triggering him right now, a fact that was driving Tony crazy. He just wanted to go back to normal, for all of this to be over.

  
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

  
Tony knew that Clint was joking, his often dark sense of humour revealing itself again, but part of him couldn’t’ help but find the words foreboding.

  
“Fine, just don’t moan at me when you are grumpy and tired tomorrow. Sadly I know all too well what you’re like when you’re grouchy.”

  
“Just accept my love and shut up, you’re doing my head in. Do me a favour and sleep.” Clint lobbed a cushion at Tony’s face, his aim impeccable as always, and he shifted a little to regain his comfortable position.

  
Tony accepted defeat and clambered into bed, his eyelids suddenly feeling far heavier than usual. “Night Legolas.”

  
“Night Honeybuns.”

  
“Dear lord, I should have just let Barnes kill me.” Tony rolled his eyes as Clint burst out laughing. Despite the stress of the day Tony soon found himself drifting off into a deep sleep, exhaustion from all the stress effectively knocking him out more effectively than sleeping pills or alcohol ever did.

* * *

“NO! DON’T PLEASE! YOU’RE HURTING ME, GOD IT HURTS. BUCKY PLEASE STOP, PLEASE. YOU’RE TEARING ME, STOP!!!!!! ” Tony struggled in his sleep, thrashing against his sheets and twisting himself up in them, desperately lashing out at the man his brain was convinced was on top of him. His body wracked with violent tremors as he let out inhuman groans and whimpers of fright. He was so immersed in his dream that he could almost physically feel the burning pain of Bucky pressing his unlubed fingers and cock into him.

  
Clint got up from the sofa, drawn out of his light doze by Tony’s shouts and he ran over to Tony’s side, shocked by the ashen hue that his friend’s face had taken on. Tony’s hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat, his white t-shirt almost see-through with it as he frantically tried to escape Bucky’s touch. The archer didn’t know what to do. Touching Tony at the moment was pretty much a no go, but no matter how loudly Clint shouted at him to wake up, Tony couldn’t snap out of it. He was in too deep.

  
“Tony? Wake up, it isn’t real, he can’t hurt you, c’mon!” Clint ran a hand through his hair and bounced his leg up and down nervously, looking round for an idea as to what to do.

  
“PLEASE DON’T. PLEASE. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. I CAN’T DO THIS, YOU’RE HURTING ME!!! I DON’T WANT TO. PLEASE DON’T, DON’T DO THIS. PLEASE. STEVE! STEVE, HELP ME, PLEASE! STEEEVE!!!” Tony lashed out so violently that he ended up striking Clint hard enough to make him step back into the side table, banging his hip and falling to the floor with a loud thump.

  
That was so going to hurt in the morning.

  
Tony jolted awake due to the loud thump caused by Clint hitting the ground, his heart hammering uncomfortably as he hauled himself onto all fours, panting uncontrollably.

  
“Tony? Tony?” Tony glanced to the side when he heard Clint’s voice, unable to locate the other man until Barton sat up blearily, rubbing his hip.

  
“What the hell Barton, are you trying to give me a heart attack?” Tony’s voice was hoarse from shouting and he reached blearily for the glass of water by his bed, downing it before Clint would notice how his trembling hand was making the water slosh violently.

  
“You were having a nightmare, I was trying to wake you but you ended up decking me. Turns out you have a pretty impressive right hook, Stark.” Tony snorted softly at that.

  
“I was trained by the best.” He slumped back down on his bed, grimacing at the wet patch his sweat had caused. “Oh gross.”

  
“I know you are.” Clint chuckled, accepting Tony’s hand up and hauling himself to his feet. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  
“Not really. Definitely not going to get any more sleep though, fancy a movie?”

  
“Sure, might as well.” Clint made his way over to the door, holding it open for Tony and arguing with the older man for the entire journey to the lounge about what they were going to watch. In the end they settled on The Hunger Games. No doubt Clint would be dealing with Katniss related jokes and jibes for the next few weeks after this, but as long as it made Tony happy.

* * *

They were half an hour into the movie when Tony paused it, drawing his knees to his chest before turning to Clint.

  
“Barton?”

  
“Yeah?”

  
“What do you think I should do about Steve?” Tony rubbed his neck self-consciously, not entirely comfortable with the conversation that he was starting, but knowing that he couldn’t avoid it forever. “It’s just, I still love him. I don’t want to, hell, he hurt me more than Bucky. But I can’t bring myself to hate him. I know that he dumped me, but do you think we still stand a chance? Do you think he will take me back?”

  
“Take you back? Hell, the question is will you take him back. Steve is the one that needs to earn your forgiveness and trust back, not you his. He loves you more than anything, and I know he regrets dumping you more than anything, there’s no question that he would take you back in a heartbeat. He’s heartbroken over what happened. He’d give everything to have you back.”

  
“I feel the same way, I want him back more than anything, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive him.”

  
“You don’t have to make these decisions now, why not just see how it goes when you move back into the tower tomorrow. Take it slow, one step at a time and all that.”

  
“Thanks. You’d make a great agony aunt, man. If you are ever put out of action at least you have an alternate career option.”

  
“Well that’s reassuring.” Even Tony would have been proud of that dry tone.

  
“Besides, he has already started trying to put things right.”

  
“What, you mean the flowers. Because seriously, they didn’t quite hack it.” Tony groused, a flare of anger assaulting him again as he remembered the rotting plants still rotting in his dumpster.

  
“What, no, with your room and lab-shit.” Clint should not have said that. He really should not have said that.

  
“My room? What are you on about?”

  
“I shouldn’t’ say, I’ve already put my foot in it. Forget I said anything!” Clint tried to placate Tony, but of course the genius was having none of it.

  
“No chance, what do you mean my lab?”

  
“Please, it was meant to be a surprise.” Clint’s puppy dog eyes sadly didn’t have the same effect on Tony as they did on Bruce and Nat.

  
“Fine. Well Steve thought that it would be nice to do your rooms up, change them up a bit so that they wouldn’t trigger you when you got back. Y’know, sometimes people with PTSD find it hard to go back to places where they were hurt, or where a traumatic event happened. So he redid the communal area, the meeting room, your lab, your bedroom and all that. He picked out new furniture and stuff and we have all been painting it and re-decorating since you left.”

  
“Wait. How did you know that I was – that I was attacked in all of those places? I never told you that? Did JARVIS snitch on me?! Because hello, privacy! God I need to program incognito mode into him…” Tony muttered under his breath, breathing out slowly to calm himself a little.

  
“JARVIS you sneaky bastard, I thought you knew better than to reveal my personal information without my permission. I will hack your mainframe and kill you, y’know! Don’t put it past me.”

  
Clint looked sheepish when JARVIS peevishly denied his involvement.

  
“Well how did you find out then-?”

  
“Uh, Tony. The thing is-well, the thing is that there were recordings-”

  
“No there weren’t. I had JARVIS delete them, I told him not to record-I!”

  
Clint looked down, shamefaced.

  
“He didn’t, did he?” Tony asked, his face falling as he clenched his fists. He glared up at the ceiling before growling “traitor,” under his breath.

  
“It wasn’t JARVIS’ fault. We kind of insisted – we wanted to know how to help you.”

  
“What, and you thought that watching me be raped and sexually assaulted was a good way to support me?! To watch me at my most vulnerable, to sit back and watch as I was stripped naked and forced to suck him off? You seriously think I’ll believe for one moment that you watched that for my own good? What? Is that how you guys get your kicks now? You like to watch me be put in my place too, in my own home? Enjoy seeing me be degraded and-” Tony got to his feet, pacing agitatedly, uncertain as to whether he wanted to run away, or, more temptingly, punch Clint’s pretty face in.

  
“What? No, Tony! It wasn’t like that. We just – well we thought it would be best to know what we were dealing with. God, I can’t -” Clint shuddered. “It was the worst thing that I ever witnessed, Jesus, I don’t think that I have ever cried so much in my life as I did watching those clips. It destroyed me. It destroyed all of us. But we owed it to you to know what had truly happened, so that we could do our best to help you.” Clint stared up at Tony imploringly, his cheeks flushed with shame. “Please Tony, we never wanted to see it. Never. But we – it was for the best. Or at least we thought it was. We shouldn’t have done it behind your back, but we didn’t want you to know about the footage and watch it – man, it was – I don’t even know. Harrowing. Fucking brutal, Bruce hulked out, and I swear Nat pretty much had a breakdown. And Steve – I’ve never seen him like that.”

  
“You found it harrowing. YOU found it harrowing? How do you think I-” Tony’s breath hitched with anger and he brought his fist down on his coffee table, wincing as he failed to break the shatter-proof glass.

  
“I-we just wanted to help. How were we meant to help make things better if we didn’t know what we were fighting?”

  
“You go into it like you do with any other mission, you go in ready and prepared for everything. We never know what we are going to fight from one day to the next, but we manage- how could you do this to me!?” Tony’s voice faded into a whisper and tears slid down his cheek. Humiliation was coursing through his very cells, writhing inside of him and making his insides feel like a vat of insects, scrambling and wriggling to escape.

  
“Tony, please. We really did just want to do what’s best for you.”

  
“Remind me, when did I lose the right to decide what is right for myself? Was it the first time Barnes stuck his dick down my throat…the second, the third? Or was it when he forced me to come all over myself, or what about the time he came all over my face? Enlighten me, please.”

  
Clint looked away. There really was nothing he could say.

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
Tony sighed, slumping back down on the sofa next to him and fisting his hair in frustration. “I know you are. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t take my shit out on you. This wasn’t your fault, none of it was. I just hate feeling so out of place, I’m not used to not being in control of everything.”

  
“I know. We had no right to do that though. I truly am sorry.”

  
“Thanks Clint. I know you are. I shouldn’t have snapped, you were just trying to look out for me. Admittedly I’d have preferred it if you didn’t see that – I just. I don’t want you all to treat me different. To see me as weak. I am not the man in those videos, Clint. I’m not. You know I’m not, don’t you? I’m stronger than that. Or at least, I thought I was. I’m still a valuable member of the team, right? I’m not pathetic, I’m not worthless?” The last two sentences were more of a question than a statement, and they broke Clint’s heart.

  
“You are the strongest person I know, Tone. Truly. Although don’t tell Nat that or she will gut me. The team would be nothing without you. Hell, we’d probably all be dead ten times over. How many times have you saved my ass from falling, and Nat’s? Not to mention your equipment. We’d be long gone without you. We just wanted to make things easier for you. And your rooms do look good, you’ll love your lab upgrades, I promise.”

  
“I bet they’re great. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, this place is doing my head in. Thank you.”

  
“It was the least we could do.” Clint snuggled back down into the cushions, with neither of them having anything left to say. He turned The Hunger Games back on and settled back into pointing out Katniss’ less than perfect archery techniques. Tony’s anger had ebbed away and turned into a peaceful acceptance.

  
They spent the next four hours watching movies until eventually Tony feel asleep, subconsciously leaning against Clint for comfort as he sank back into oblivion.

* * *

“Tony!"

  
“Hmmm?” Tony groaned and sat up, wiping the drool from his face as he blinked blearily.

  
“Did you hear that?”

  
“Hear what?”

  
Tony’s question was answered by a resounding smash coming from the other side of the room. Both Avengers turned just in time to see a second smoke bomb being thrown through the broken window and before they could so much as register the scene before them, smoke was billowing up and surrounding them.

  
“Don’t breathe it in!”

  
“RUN!”

  
Tony grabbed hold of Clint’s arm, springing forward and thanking his lucky stars that he had designed this mansion by hand, and still remembered the exact floor plan of the space. He led Clint through the corridors, noxious gas seeping after them as they ran.

  
“What the?”

  
“Run first, questions later!” Tony growled through his sleeve, which he had pressed to his mouth and nose.

  
Clint didn’t bother answering, gasping in deep lungful’s of fresh air when they both burst through the front door, which Tony had propped up after it was broken down by Clint. It collapsed down to the ground with a thud and splintered when both of the Avengers trampled over it.

  
Thankful that they could both see, and that Clint had the nous to grab his bow, both men made it over to the wooded part of his island. They sprinted through the trees blindly, paying no attention to the branches that were lacerating their arms and slicing into their cheeks as they ran past.

  
Clint whirled around for the first time and saw a dark figure sprinting behind them at superhuman speed – Bucky. They stood no chance of outrunning the super soldier, so Clint paused and drew one of his bows out of its quiver, shooting at Bucky as the super soldier ploughed towards them. Two of his shots missed but Clint was sure that the third one at least clipped his side.

  
Bucky carried on regardless.

  
“Motherfucker. This dude really doesn’t know when to fucking quit.” Clint snarled, simultaneously shooting a few more arrows as Tony shot his gun at Bucky.

  
Finally the super soldier collapsed to the floor, his body hitting the ground with a resounding thud.

  
“Nice shot.”

  
“Thanks.” Tony flipped the safety of his gun back on, adrenaline coursing through his veins and his body shaking violently as he went into shock. He had done it. He had put an end to all this. Bucky was gone. He could never hurt Tony again.

  
“Let’s blow this popsicle stand, the sooner we get away from this damned island the better. I was hoping for cocktails and hot women in bikinis, Stark. Your hospitality sucks ass.” Despite Clint’s jovial tone, Tony didn’t miss the strain in his jaw and the way that his brow was furrowed.

  
Clearly they were both as haggard as each other.

  
“Yeah. Next time you come to one of my islands, I owe you all the pornstar martinis that you can drink.”

  
“Deal.”

  
Both Avengers made their way over to the nearby dock where a few of Tony’s cast collection of speedboats and a small yacht was located.

  
Everything else could wait, both men wanted to get away from the island as quickly as possible. They boarded the yacht in no time, Clint’s inner five year old delighted that Tony let him ‘drive’ the boat. To be fair, the genius was way too deep in shock to direct it himself.

  
Neither man noticed the way the trees at the edge of the forest rustled in the calm air, despite there being no breeze around.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> So sorry that I haven't got round to replying to your last set of comments! I had the choice of finishing a chapter tonight, or answering them, and I thought you'd want the next chapter...but please keep them coming, your comments are amazing and I can't even explain how much I appreciate them. I'll reply tomorrow afternoon, I promise <3 
> 
> Anyways, stay awesome <3
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, I struggled writing it a bit, but am v.excited for the next chapter so please bare with me if you don't enjoy this one as much. I promise the next one will be ace <3

Tony slumped down on one of the luxurious cream leather seats on his yacht, bouncing his leg up and down as he shook and tried to process what the fuck had just happened. Because seriously, what the fuck. What the actual fucking fuck? When had this become Tony’s life? At no point in time did he remember ticking a box saying ‘please make my life hell and then make my only viable option of survival to kill my ex-boyfriends best friend – (the one who used to be a super soldier and is also a twenty-nine year old war veteran). ’

  
Because yeah, not fun and never a good idea.

  
“Tony, stop fiddling, you’re making me nervous. We’re safe now, just relax before you rattle yourself into a cardiac arrest or something.” Clint turned around and stared at Tony blearily, still exhausted from not sleeping a wink the night before. To be fair, he was pretty damn grouchy, which didn’t help when Tony was a vibrating ball of kinetic energy. “It’s over now, we’ll be home soon and everything is ready for you when you get back. Steve is going to be over the moon that you are on your way home.”

  
“I know, I know. I just-I shot him. I can’t believe that I actually shot him. I shot Steve’s best friend-I!” Tony’s voice raised hysterically, reaching a pitch that even he didn’t know was possible. He began to subconsciously fiddle with the edge of the bandage wrapped around his arm, picking at the unfurling edges and pulling at loose threads. The wounds beneath were prickling and itching, the healing process having begun a week ago, although the dissolvable stitches still hadn’t completely fallen out yet.

  
Before Tony knew what he was doing he had managed to unwrap the light bandage and he began to examine the wounds beneath with a little more interest than was warranted. The skin was a nasty shade of red and was puffy, despite the fact that he had blearily rubbed antiseptic over it every now and again. Well, when he had remembered to actually take care of himself. Which come to think about it, wasn’t as often as he should have done.

  
A few of the cuts had already scarred over though, thick ridges of purpling keloid scar creating hard lumps across his forearm. He began picking at the small pieces of stitches poking out from the remaining cuts, picking at them and drawing them out, wincing every now and again when the strange pulling sensation became too much. He could feel the stitches moving beneath his skin, pain blossoming once he had worked over half of them out. His nerves shot sharp stabs of pain up his arm and Tony couldn’t help the tears that rolled down his face and splashed onto his reddened skin as he cried listlessly. When had he been reduced to this? A murdering, suicidal headcase who couldn’t do anything right. Who was drawing satisfaction from deliberately hurting himself?!

  
“Tony?” Clint saw Tony’s shoulders shaking with repressed sobs out the corner of his eye – the sooner they got back and could sort all of this out the better. “Stop picking at those man, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

  
Tony seemed to fully realise what he had been doing, or at least that he was doing it in front of Clint, and swore, pressing his hands between his thighs to stop himself from fiddling.

  
“Sorry, I didn’t really realise I was doing it.” Well, it was a half-truth. At least he had started the picking subconsciously, even if he had carried on because the pain was strangely welcome right now.

  
“Wait is the skin numb, because you should probably talk to Bruce if-?”

  
“Chill, Clint. I’m fine, don’t get your panties in a twist.” Tony laid himself down fully and closed his eyes, grimacing when a wave rocked the yacht from side to side violently. His stomach lurched and Tony hoped that they would get to the shore soon. The ocean winds were picking up now that they were further out into the sea and the waves were definitely getting more and more ferocious as time went on.

  
“I can’t help it, I care about you Tony. If you carry on like that you’ll give yourself an infection, or make the damage worse.” Tony didn’t fail to notice the way that Clint refused to look at his arm, as if the deep wounds were shameful, or something to avoid. He was acting like wealthy businessmen and women walking the streets of New York, simply looking away from the homeless begging for a few cents at their feet. Shame prickled through Tony, making the hairs on the back of his neck bristle. The sense of disgust that he couldn’t seem to shift since Bucky intensified and he dug his palms into his eyes to rub away the pain and strain of the situation.

  
There was nothing more that Tony wanted than to sink into his own bed and sleep for the next year. Undisturbed and alone.

  
“Sure.”

  
Both men elapsed into an uncomfortable silence, staring out at the ocean as they drew closer and closer to home.

* * *

“Do you hear that?” Tony peeled open his eyes and lifted his sunglasses onto the top of his head, glancing over at Clint who was still steering the yacht. He could hear a low rumbling sound that was quiet enough not to be overly noticeable, but loud enough to reach his ears and prevent him from napping, which is what he had been trying to do for the past forty minutes.

  
“What? I can’t hear anything, half deaf, remember?”

  
“I don’t know. I can just hear a weird humming sound. Like an engine or a motor. I don’t know, something like that? Are you sure you can’t hear anything?”

  
“I’ve got nothing.”

  
Tony sighed and pulled himself up wearily, making his way over to the side of the yacht and peering across the ocean to the left of them. There was nothing there, and obviously there was nothing ahead of them or Clint would already have seen it. He was probably panicking over nothing, what with everything that had gone on recently. It was no wonder that he was perhaps acting paranoid. But still, there was an uncomfortable sense of foreboding sweeping over Tony and his body had responded in kind, the hairs on his arms rising and goosebumps forming all over his skin.

  
He walked around to the other side of the yacht, arms outstretched slightly to help him balance as the boat rocked with each wave. Once again. There was nothing, leaving only the area behind them to check.

  
“CLINT!”

  
“What?!”

  
“There’s someone tailing us, I think-I think that’s my speedboat. Or at least one of them! It must be him, shit, it must be Bucky!” Terror laced Tony’s voice and he sounded hysterical.

  
“What? That doesn’t make sense!? He’s dead!” Clint looked up sharply when Tony rushed over to him, skin white as he panted weakly.

  
“It must be him! Clint, he can’t have been dead! We never checked! We never looked at the body. We should have checked – he-” Tony’s words came out in a jumble as he rushed them out, voice wavering as he begun to shake violently. “Stupid. So stupid. Why didn’t we check? That’s rule number one of killing an enemy! How did we not check?” Tony ran a hand though his hair and he hauled himself over to the side of the yacht, where he began to vomit up streams of bile down its side.

  
“Calm down. He must still be a fair way off. We have time. You take the wheel, I’ll sort this out. I’ve got my bow, I can shoot him down from a long way away. It’s fine. He won’t get anywhere near us, I promise!” Clint barked out instructions to Tony, knowing that the other man was on the brink of falling apart. He needed orders about what to do to stop him from completely crumbling, to ground him and give him something to do.

  
The noise of the speedboat engine was getting louder with each passing second.

  
“Is he seriously trying to kill me and peruse me in my own motherfucking speedboat? You can’t deny it, the guy has some tenacity.”

  
“Chill, Tony. Just chill. Stop overthinking and relax!”

  
“Ok, ok, sorry, I-SHIT! WHAT WAS THAT?”

  
Tony swore when the entire yacht rocked more violently ever than before.

  
“Well I think we can safely say that it wasn’t a wave.” Clint gasped, picking himself up off the floor where he had fallen. The motion had been strong enough to send both men crashing to the floor, although neither of them were hurt beyond a few patches of fresh bruising.

  
“Yeah. You’re probably right. But don’t let my agreement get to your head.” Tony snarked, stumbling over to take control of the yacht as Clint went to check out the damage and to take Bucky out. He had a good supply of his explosive arrows that Tony had developed, just one good shot would be enough to ensure that Bucky was swimming with the fishes, so to speak.

  
The archer sprinted over to the side of the boat to check the damage – god knows what Bucky had used to hit them, but it had been pretty damn powerful. There was a gaping hole in the side of the yacht that was already letting a dangerous amount of water into the hull – they’d sink in no time at this rate, especially if the super soldier landed another hit.

  
“TONY, CALL THE OTHERS. WE NEED BACKUP, WE’RE GOING TO SINK AT THIS RATE, AND I DON’T PARTICULARLY FANCY SWIMMING ALL THE WAY BACK TO NEW YORK!”

  
“ON IT!” Tony was just about to make the call when another wave knocked him off balance and before he could do anything about it, his Stark phone slipped from his grasp. The bow of the yacht was now so full of water that it was beginning to tip up, the entire yacht now reaching a 25 degree angle out of the water. Which, of course, meant that the phone ended up falling, bouncing a few times, and then flying over the rails and into the sea. Yes, it was waterproof, but that didn’t really help when it was sinking to the depths of the ocean. Great. Tony made a mental note to design a phone that floats, if he actually manages to survive this mess.

  
“SHIT, HOLD ON TONY, HE’S GOT ANOTHER FUCKING MISSILE THING OR SOMETHING, IT’S HEADING OUR WAY, FAST!” Where the hell had the super soldier found that?!

  
Tony swore under his breath. He had some weapons stashed away on the island still, just in case. For protection. Of course Bucky had found them. That’s what had taken the super soldier so long, what had stopped him from tailing them immediately.

  
“WELL THERE’S HARDLY ANYTHING I CAN DO APART FROM HOLD O-” Tony was cut off immediately by the second of his own missiles smashing into the side of the yacht, sending him to the ground and Clint over the top of the second deck of the yacht onto the ground near Tony.

  
“CLINT!” Tony rolled onto his side, gasping in pain as he ripped open two of the cuts on his arms, blood immediately beginning to ooze out as he accidentally caught the rest of the stitches on a nearby rail.

  
Clint didn’t respond and panic soared through Tony as he realised that if Clint was unconscious, they were both as good as dead. Well, they probably were anyway, but even deader, so to speak.

  
“Clint! Shit! FUCK!” Tony was seriously beginning to freak the fuck out. It took all of his strength to haul himself to his feet, swaying violently as the yacht rocked and almost sent him crashing to the floor again. He just about managed to stumble over to Clint’s side.

  
The archer was staring up at him blearily, a look of confusion on his face when Tony yelled at him to snap out of it. “Clint. C’mon, we need-”

  
“M’okay. Shit, what the-” Clint was cut off when he was flung against the nearby sunbed that Tony had had installed onto the yacht for relaxing occasions. Ha. Relaxing. Right. The roar of Tony’s speedboat, as driven by Bucky, approached. There was another series of loud clutters and then the super soldier had somehow managed to board the yacht before either Avenger was able to get to his feet.

  
Looks like this boat trip was going to hell in a handbasket.

  
“Barton, Stark. I believe a little negotiation is in order, don’t you think?” Bucky had tied his speedboat loosely to the yacht, keeping it nearby without leaving the engine on.

  
“Suck my dick, asshole!” Clint yelled, finally coming to his senses and pulling a gun out of the holster he had around his waist. His bow had been lost in the carnage, but he was by no means unprepared. He landed a couple of shots straight into the super soldier’s chest, but it turned out that Bucky must have been wearing some sort of bulletproof armour – more so than his standard issue clothing which SHIELD had kitted him out with. He barely even blinked before taking a few steps forward. The yacht was continuing to sway, making Tony’s stomach lurch with nausea, teaming up with the fear that seemed to have already spawned a hive of wasps inside of him.

  
“Now, that is no way to talk to a war veteran.” Bucky smirked, lunging forwards in an attempt to grab Tony. The genius only just managed to dodge him, but in doing so he tumbled to the side, falling at the same time as another wave hitting. He was sent careening to the side of the yacht, thrown so violently that before he knew what had happened, he was dangling from the yacht’s railings mere feet away from the sea. Tony was fit, hell, he worked out with the best of them and put as many hours into training at the gym as his busy schedule allowed, but he was injured, exhausted and drained in all senses of the word. It was taking everything just to keep himself hanging there, dangling in thin air and swaying like a leaf in a tornado.

  
“CLINT!” Tony was freaking the fuck out. “CLINT! Help! I can’t swim! CLINT!” Tony was beginning to hyperventilate, the nerves in his cut up arm screaming at him as he stretched the newly healed scar tissues and re-opened his old, self-inflicted wounds. The pain was unbearable and he could barely hang on. He knew that he needed to haul himself back onto the boat, that he couldn’t swim – or at least, he once used to be able to, but ever since Afghanistan-shit he hadn’t been able to submerge his head under water without having a panic attack. Tony really was hyperventilating now, tears swimming in his eyes as he realised that he was going to fall into the icy cold water and drown. He’d never see Steve again, never make it up to him.

  
All of a sudden he was back in the cave, pain coursing through him as icy cold water was pressed over his face alongside a sodden cloth. He could even feel the water splashing against his legs.

  
“TONY! HOLD ON!”

  
Clint. Clint was still there. What was Clint doing in Afghanistan? Wait, no…Tony snapped himself out of his flashback. He needed to pull himself together if they were both going to survive this. And besides, Clint was looking out for him right now. He owed the archer the same protection in return.

  
Maybe things would be ok.

* * *

Things were not ok.

  
Tony managed to pull himself into the present just in time to see Clint tackle Bucky, and promptly be floored by the super soldier. Of course, Clint was a highly trained fighter and had some pretty impressive skills, but he was easily overthrown by the super soldier, who flipped him onto his back in one swift movement.

  
With Clint curled up on the ground, winded and no doubt nursing a couple of broken bones, Tony knew that he had to move, and move fast. Now was his chance to fight back, to make a stand and to finally defend himself. After letting out a sharp, almost animalistic cry, he pulled himself up onto the yacht with all of his upper body strength. In one swift movement he got to his feet and lunged at Bucky, taking the super soldier by surprise, although not for long. The super soldier had incredible, superhuman reflexes and although Tony was currently a ball of rage and restless, frightened energy, there was no way that he could match the other man’s strength, let alone overpower it. However, he was going to try his damndest to buy them some time.

  
He too was thrown to the ground, Bucky snorting in contempt at Tony’s attempt at fighting back.

  
“Pathetic. The great Tony Stark, the nation’s beloved superhero. If they could see you now, what do you think the people would see? I think they’d see a pathetic little waste of space, don’t you? Look at you, take a dick up your ass and you are reduced to hiding away on your little island for weeks, moping and crying? What, am I too big for you? Too much man for you to handle? What the hell did Steve see in you, you’re truly pitiful? That’s right, I feel sorry for you, Stark. It must be awful being such a burden on your supposed family of misfits. Always the runt of the group, huh?” Bucky kicked Tony hard in the side and the genius was only just able to hold in a pained whimper. Clint, on the other hand, yelled out in anger, struggling to his feet. “Don’t listen to a word the fucker says, Tony. That isn’t true! None of it is!”

  
Bucky simply laughed and shot Clint in the thigh three times, sending the archer crumbling back to the ground in agony.

  
“But I guess you are good for something, I did enjoy fucking your tight little hole, the way you moan really is quite delightful, and the way you cried for me. I can almost taste the salt of your tears.” Bucky smirked, licking his lips as he straddled Tony, who had been unable to scramble back to his feet. Barnes spread his legs around Tony’s, pinning the smaller man down and gyrating his hips, hard, so that Tony could feel just how aroused he was. Stark could feel the other man’s huge erection through his trousers and he whimpered in fear, vividly remembering how much taking the other man had hurt, the burning sensation agonising. His hole still ached and burned from time to time, the muscles sore and the internal tears still healing slowly. Much to Tony’s humiliation going to the bathroom was still painful, and, on more than one occasion, had reduced him to tears. He’d spent way too much of his time curled up on the bathroom floor recently, sobbing into his arms and lying on his side in an attempt to ease the pain deep inside of him after passing waste. Bucky was right, he is pathetic.

  
“Please, just kill me. I can’t do this again. Just end it and leave me alone, it’ll be better for everyone.” Tony was sobbing now, struggling weakly under Barnes’ weight, which only rubbed their groins harder together. Humiliation prickled through him when Bucky moaned in appreciation, clearly getting off on the movements and enjoying Tony’s fear. He resolved to stay perfectly still and not give his rapist the satisfaction.

  
“Oh, but where is the fun in that. If I can’t have Steve, I’m going to need a new fuck toy, aren’t I? I need to release my frustrations somehow, and since you have destroyed my chances of being with my true love, you will have to do for now. Besides, I love the way you scream and moan.”

  
“I’ll never moan for you, you’re disgusting.” Tony spat, his brows furrowed in defiance.

  
“We’ll see about that.”

  
Tony turned his head to the side to avoid looking at Bucky, another wave making the soldier grind even harder into him as they were buffeted around and rolled across the floor a few meters.

  
From the corner of his eye Tony saw Clint fumbling with his own mobile phone, which he must have had tucked away in his pocket. The archer was bleeding heavily from his thigh and was clearly struggling to breathe, but for the first time a flicker of hope filled Tony as he realised that they had a chance. At least now the team would know they are in trouble and would send backup.

  
Another wave piled all three men into the side of the yacht and the boat beneath them groaned ominously. It was clear that the boat was going under, fast, and that they didn’t have much time before they sunk. It was already at a precarious angle and the three men were having to hold on in order to stop themselves from tumbling into the sea.

  
Unsurprisingly, none of them fancied a quick swim.

  
However, Bucky quickly managed to gain control of the situation and got to his feet, simultaneously hauling Tony up by the neck, pinning him and holding a gun to his head. He was still hard and Tony felt sick when he realised that the soldier was enjoying seeing him scared for his life. Or, scared for Clint’s life, more accurately. To be frank he didn’t really care about what happened to himself anymore, he was ready to die. Depressive thoughts were crashing over him like a black cloud and he realised that he would never again be the man that he used to be. Bucky was right, he was a waste of space, currently being taken down by his own speedboat, yacht and missiles. And if he wasn’t mistaken, the gun that Bucky was holding to his head was one of his own as well. It was no less than he deserved.

  
God knows how Bucky had gotten hold of the gun though. Steve had probably issued it to him for extra protection. Had thought that his best friend deserved the best, not knowing that Bucky would use it to threaten his boyfriend at the time - its very creator.

  
The thought made Tony’s stomach roll unpleasantly.

  
“Now then. I think it is clear that there is no point fighting back, unless you want me to splatter your brains across this yacht like a Pollock painting. So, why don’t you just come with me onto your speedboat and we can do this the easy way.”

  
“TONY, DON’T YOU DARE GO WITH HIM OR I SWEAR TO GOD!”

  
“Shut it Barton and get the fuck out of here while you can!” Tony wasn’t beyond begging right now. Hell, he would get down on his knees and plead for Clint to get to safety if he could, but the gun still pressed forcefully to his temple was a pretty good deterrent from doing so.

  
“No chance, I’m not going anywhere.” The very moment Clint made this statement, another wave sent him rolling across the floor. His last stand wasn’t overly successful.

  
Once again all three men scrambled to their feet. Bucky had lost his hold on Tony but was only a few feet away from him, with Clint on the other side of the yacht.

  
“CLINT! For Christ sake just fucking listen to me, for once in your damn life. It’s the least you can do for me after everything, when you were busy ignoring me begging for help. You have a chance to make it up to me, just listen to me, ok? Do it for me, won’t you?” It was a low blow but at least it made Clint listen. “There’s a spare boat on the other side of the yacht, get yourself the hell out of here. It has a motor. Get the hell out of here, or at least stay afloat until the others fetch you. They should be on their way now.” Tony knew that he and Bucky would be taking the speedboat to who knows where, but it would be worth it if he could buy some time for his fellow Avenger.

  
All Tony knew was that he no doubt was about to undergo worse tortures than he had so far, beyond his imagination. And that was saying something considering the fact that he was pretty damn creative, but if Clint could get away safely then it would be worth it.

  
As long as his teammate was safe.

  
“No! I can’t.” Clint groaned, clutching his ribs in pain as he watched Bucky point the gun back at Tony, this time aiming for his throat. If he pressed the trigger now, Tony would be dead.

  
Clint stood stock still, going over his options in his head. He knew he didn’t really have a choice and just as he was about to submit, the gun was being pointed at him instead of Tony. Apparently he had taken too long considering his course of action.

  
Bucky had clearly had enough of their dramatic, self-sacrificing moment.

  
A shot was fired and the only thing that stopped Clint from being killed right then and there was Tony throwing himself in front of the bullet, which struck him in the shoulder, travelling straight from one side of it and clean out his back. Tony howled in pain, but he took full advantage of Bucky’s moment of confusion, drop kicking the super soldier and running to the side of the boat. He quickly flipped the safety release on the spare boat, sending it crashing into the sea, and before Clint could say a word he had grabbed hold of the injured archer and tackled him over the edge of the yacht.

  
“TOOOONY!” Clint screamed at the stupid, self-sacrificing prick who clearly didn’t value his own god damned life. Well, and partly because he was plummeting into icy cold water, but hey, it was mainly in anger at Tony. He had the biggest hero complex out of all of them, and that's saying something.

  
After all, Tony had just saved Clint’s life, but at his own expense and he would no doubt pay for it dearly.

  
He desperately tried to scramble back onto the yacht but it was futile, he couldn’t even gain purchase on the yacht’s smooth surface.

  
Bucky looked conflicted for a moment, unsure as to whether it would be worth pursuing the archer. But given the unsteady nature of the yacht, he decided that it wasn’t worth the hassle of pursuing him. They were about to sink after all, and he had his hands full with keeping the gun trained on Tony. The soldier had what he wanted, and to be honest the other man wasn’t currently worth his time. It wasn’t as though the archer could do anything to hurt him, he’d been disarmed long ago and he had no idea where Bucky was taking Tony.

  
Clint wasn’t the one he wanted right now. He only had eyes for Tony.

  
With that in mind Barnes strode over to Stark and hauled him to his feet by his hair, landing four hard punches across the genius’ face before smashing his head into the floor of the yacht. Tony passed out in agony, his now broken nose splattering blood all over the floor. He was unconscious as Bucky threw him unceremoniously overboard in the general direction of the speedboat, which had been left floating by the yacht on the other side of the yacht to Clint.

  
Bucky then dived in after him, grabbing the drowning genius before swimming over to the speedboat. He hauled them both onto their new vehicle and turned the engine back on, cutting the boat loose from the yacht with a knife.  
Even if Clint wanted to follow them, the tiny motor wouldn’t allow him to even tail the speedboat. Bucky could sail circles around him in the speedboat, especially since Tony had tinkered with it, increasing its speed and fuel efficiency.

  
Clint was forced to watch in despair as one of his best friends was sailed out of his reach. He had failed Tony. How had he let this happen? After everything that Tony had been through, he had allowed Bucky to hurt his friend under his very nose, again. Right now he couldn’t help but feel he deserved to be lying in a glorified dingy, bleeding out.

  
Come to think about it, he should probably do something about the amount of blood he was losing from his leg…

* * *

Tony stirred for a moment, a makeshift gag blocking his airway and his hands tied before his back. All he saw was the boot of Bucky’s foot coming forwards, kicking him in the face until he blacked out again.

  
This was not good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 Love you all :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you all so much again for everything. You are all awesome and I'll reply to your comments tomorrow - was going to do it today but I got way too into writing this chapter and ran out of time. You are so amazing and the response to this fic means the world to me!
> 
> Please be aware that this chapter is upsetting (aka fucked up) and I have updated the tags a bit. Please read them before continuing <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy (probably not the right word) this xxx 
> 
> Also I will make it better, as of the next chapter. Honest. I 100% pinkie promise <3

Tony woke up and immediately panicked, his breathing picking up as he took in his surroundings. Or at least the ceiling of his surroundings, as that was all that he could see. His legs and arms were bound to a table/bed with what he assumed were leather straps. There was another strap fastened around his neck, almost like a collar, completely pinning him down and preventing him from being able to turn his head, or look up. It was pressing down hard on his throat, making it hard to breathe and Tony felt his claustrophobia mounting.

  
This did not look good, waking up with no idea where you are, naked and unable to move. And not in a good, kinky way, but in a ‘you are about to be raped again and there is nothing you can do about it, you are defenceless’ kind of way.

  
“Hello? Bucky? Barnes, please? You don’t have to do this? Barnes?” Tony’s voice was raw and scratchy from disuse and Tony found himself wondering how long he had been out for. Clearly long enough for Bucky to sail them to dry land and haul him unnoticed to god knows where. Judging by the sting and thready throbbing in his arm, he had been drugged. And Bucky certainly hadn’t been gentle with the needle.

  
The idea made Tony feel sick. Even if he did manage to find a way out, by some sudden twist of fate in his favour, he had no idea where he was and therefore it would be difficult to get away safely without Bucky finding him.

  
Panic continued to rise deep inside of Tony and a few tears leaked out the corner of his eyes. The room was icy cold and every part of his body already ached from being restrained in such an uncomfortable position. What made it worse was that he knew that this was nothing in comparison to what was to come. At least he could be thankful that Bucky had crudely taped up his shoulder to prevent him from bleeding out. Small mercies and all that.

  
“Bucky? Bucky? Steve? Is anyone there? Hello?” Tony felt his throat constricting with tears and began to struggle, sobbing quietly as his body shook. Every vibration of his body caused by his sobs made the tight leather straps to dig deeper into his skin and Tony was sure that he was already bleeding where they had begun to cut into his wrists and ankles. He was sure that he could feel blood beginning to trickle from the wounds, but he couldn’t work out if they were just phantom itches exacerbated by being unable to move.

  
Exposed and terrified, Tony cried frantically and almost gasped in relief when he heard heavy footsteps entering the room. Even if it was Bucky, he was grateful to no longer be alone. Anything was better than not knowing – now there’s Stockholm Syndrome for you.

  
“Ah, you’re awake. I must say it took you longer to come round than I thought. Now, I have some very clear instructions, and if you do what I say, I’ll make this less difficult for you.”  
“Please? Bucky? Just let me go. It isn’t too late to let me go, I’m begging you. Steve will never forgive you if you hurt me again, you know that, right?”

  
“Don’t you dare speak his name, you don’t deserve to even think about him, let alone speak of him.” Bucky spat, bringing his metal fist down hard on Tony’s ribs, making the smaller man cry out in pain. “In fact, don’t speak at all. That is rule number one. Stay silent. Rule number two is don’t even bother to try and escape. You can’t and if I believe that you are even thinking about it, I will make things a lot worse for you, ok?”

  
Tony nodded his head as best as he could, heeding Bucky’s warning to stay silent.

  
“Good.”

  
…

  
Tony was aware of Bucky walking around him and had to hold back a whimper when he felt the super soldier run a hand lightly across his hipbone. The touch was almost affectionate and it made Tony’s skin crawl. He felt dirty, tainted, and everywhere that Bucky touched seemed to tingle and burn. An unbearable itch that he could not scratch. A mark that he would never be able to wash away.

  
Silent tears rolled down his face and Tony barely had a warning before he felt something being thrown over him. It took him a few moments to realise that it was some sort of bedsheet, or a scratchy blanket to be precise. It covered him from the groin upwards, leaving his dick, ass and legs exposed, but covering his chest, arms and face. By the feel of the blanket’s weight it was thick enough to cover the glow of his arc reactor, and to completely hide his upper half from sight. He let out a muffled cry of terror, the sheet clinging to his mouth as he inhaled and reminding him of being in Afghanistan, with that wet cloth being pressed over his mouth.

  
Tony shrieked even louder when Bucky punched him again for making a sound, trying his best to keep his breaths shallow to stop the blanket from suffocating him, but he was failing dismally, beginning to hyperventilate.

  
He couldn’t hold back his begging pleads and cries of fright, but Bucky took no mercy, eventually pulling the blanket off, only to gag Tony with a piece of cloth. Tony struggled with all of his might but he couldn’t dislodge the cloth from his mouth, and he came to the eventual realisation that the more he struggled, the worse he would make things for himself. He needed to remain calm and to measure his breathing. Thinking rationally, he could easily draw enough air through the covering – it wasn’t wet and air could easily pass through the tiny holes in the cloth’s weave. He needed to stop panicking. But that was easier said than done.

  
He lay perfectly still, crying weakly and snuffling, but eventually accepting that all he could do was carry out damage limitation. He couldn’t fight back, or escape, but he could make this less hard on himself by cooperating. All Tony had to do was accept his fate and submit, something that he found surprisingly easy now that he had given up on everything. He was in between a rock and a hard place, and it was fucking dark in all senses of the word, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Gloomy thoughts swamped him as he lay back and accepted his fate.

  
However, as soon as he heard a low buzzing sound he couldn’t help but tense. What the fuck was that?

  
Tony was soon answered by a painful scratching sensation just over his hipbone. He felt like he was being stabbed thousands of times by a tiny needle, which, in a way, he was.  
The buzzing sound was a tattoo gun.

  
Tony felt bile rise in his throat as he was left wondering what Bucky was tattooing on him. The soldier was permanently marking Tony and there was nothing he could do about it. Tears poured down his cheeks as the pain intensified, both mental and physical, and horrific images began to reel around his mind as he imagined what Bucky might be tattooing onto his body. It could be anything.

  
If he’d have been a gambling man, Tony would have placed his bets on it being a word of some sort, ‘pathetic,’ ‘whore, ‘slut, ‘worthless,’ or something along those lines. But as the painful process went on, the needle’s pattern seemed less and less like a word, and more like a random shape…at least Bucky wasn’t branding him with his initials or something. Of course Tony couldn’t be sure, but the area Bucky had covered was too wide to be a whole word, and there weren’t enough lines. This was more of a misshapen blob or something, by the feel of it.

  
And then it struck Tony.

  
The tattoo was in the exact same spot as Steve’s birthmark, which rested on his right hipbone.

  
Tony had always delighted in kissing that particular spot on his body, lathering the discoloured skin with kisses and kitten licks. Steve had always hated the mark, and Tony had always made a conscious effort to show Steve that he loved every part of Steve, even his imperfections. Although Tony never saw his birthmarks or freckles as anything other than pure perfection. He often referred to them as angel kisses, in fact. To him they were beautiful, just like the rest of Steve.

  
But what the hell was Bucky playing at?

  
Tony lay stock still when the buzzing finally stopped, groaning into his gag as Bucky wiped his sore, newly inked skin with a wipe of some sort. It burnt like crazy, but at least it was over now. It could have been worse – assuming that it was a birthmark that Bucky had tattooed onto him.

  
Although come to think of it, if he ever did get back with Steve, what the fuck would his partner think of the tattoo? It’d probably weird him out, make Tony even less attractive. The genius often wondered what the other man saw in him. Steve was perfection personified, chiselled, handsome, perfectly build and incredible athletic, just in terms of his physicality, whereas Tony was getting on a bit, had small layers of chub that had never been there when he was younger, the odd wrinkle and even love handles. Not to mention the old scars that mottled his skin, and the new, angry red ones.

  
Who was he kidding?

  
Steve would never want to be with him again anyway, so what did it matter? Bucky could tattoo his entire body green for all the difference it would make to his relationship status. At least that would give Hulk a fellow green companion though. Tony was startled from his musings when less than two minutes later, the buzzing started again. This time tiny pinpricks began to litter Tony’s legs and groin, each one enough to sting, but not enough to draw fresh tears out of Tony. He was spent, and this time he thought he knew exactly what Bucky was marring his skin with.

  
Tattooed freckles.

  
Despite not being able to see what was going on, Tony was beginning to piece together a vague idea of what was happening, and he didn’t like it. Not one bit.

  
He wanted to scream and to cry, but all he could do was wait until Bucky was finally done and he heard the other man put the tattoo gun away.

  
A sudden screeching sound echoed through the room, a noxious scraping of metal against tile and Tony thought he could hear water sloshing. Oh god. Maybe Bucky was going to waterboard him with this blanket after all?! The thought made Tony gag and he winced at the acidic bile that travelled up his throat, only for him to swallow it back down with a wince. He really didn’t fancy choking to death on his own vomit, no matter how bad things go, Tony refused to die in such a humiliating manner. Then again it didn’t really matter if Bucky was simply going to drown him anyway.

  
But why go to all the trouble of tattooing him if he was going to kill him?

  
Questioning a madman really wasn’t going to get him anywhere, so Tony simply resolved to concentrate on his breathing and to not have a heart attack. Or panic attack for that matter. Neither option sounded pleasant.

  
…

  
The only warning Tony got before a sharp blade was brought down onto his groin was the drip of water dropping down from the cut throat razor Bucky was holding. The super soldier was going to shave away his dark, neatly trimmed pubic hair, and Tony couldn’t help the blush of humiliation colouring his cheeks. He felt like he was being mutilated, reduced to a childlike state. As if his hairlessness was some twisted way of diminishing him into a lesser man, or something.

  
It was clear what was happening now.

  
Bucky was altering Tony as best as he could to look like Steve. Steve had a birthmark, freckles and blonde pubic hair. Now Tony had a matching mark, the same freckles and no hair – a compromise, of course, but it was clear that with Bucky’s twisted imagination, he’d be able to picture Steve before him now that Tony’s dark hair was out of the way. Even though the men didn’t look alike, it would be enough for a creative, psychotic man to work with. Aka Bucky.

  
Tony held his breath, careful not to even shudder as the blade was repeatedly brought down on his groin, until eventually Bucky moved onto his leg hair. The process seemed to take forever and Tony almost found himself relaxing under Bucky’s repetitive motions until all of a sudden the blade slipped, cutting Tony’s leg and making him gasp into his gag.

  
“Oh God, Steve I’m sorry. I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you, my love. I’d never hurt you, I love you Steve, please forgive me!” Bucky sounded frantic and began to litter Tony’s cut thigh with small kisses, carefully wiping away the blood with so much tenderness that the whole surreal situation intensified tenfold. It was bizarre, being treated so lovingly by the man who had raped him, shot him and made his life hell. Although Stark now knew that Bucky clearly thought that Tony was Steve, or at least he had persuaded himself so. With the reactor and his body covered, and these new body modifications, it was enough for him to delude himself.

  
“I love you so much baby, you’re so beautiful. I just love your freckles, you’re perfect. So beautiful Steve, I just want to love you baby. You’ll let me, won’t you? I’m going to make you feel so good. Just relax baby, you’re already holding so still for me. That’s it, god, you’re perfect. I love you.” Bucky punctuated the word perfect with a soft kiss to Tony’s groin, laving his tongue around Tony’s skin and speckling his thighs with kisses. Tony couldn’t help but enjoy the feeling.

  
Then, the scraping sound came again as Bucky pushed away all of his supplies, followed by the click of a cap being flicked open.

  
Tony could do nothing but lie still as he felt a slick hand cup his cock, gently stroking it until Tony was at half-mast. “So beautiful, Steve. Look at you, getting all worked up for me. You’re beautiful like this, you know. I want to taste you, please let me taste you.” Barnes lent in and gingerly wrapped his lips around Tony’s cockhead, sucking softly and moaning in pleasure at the weight of Tony’s dick in his mouth. He’d never done this before, but god had he thought about it. The reality of sucking Steve was better than his wildest hopes, dreams and fantasies.

  
“God baby, you taste sinfully good. Of course you do. I wish this moment would never end, but I guess we have all the time in the world. You’re mine now, and I’m yours. I’ll never leave you again, I promise.” Bucky pulled away for a few moments to speak before swallowing Tony’s entire length, bobbing his head up and down cautiously, as if he was scared of going too hard and hurting ’Steve.’

  
“I’ve never done this before baby, I hope it’s ok? I want this to be perfect for you. You deserve nothing less than the best. I’m sorry if I’m not good enough, but I’ll practice every day on you until I know how to make you feel so good, if you want. I just want to make you happy, more than anything.” Bucky gently cupped Tony’s swollen balls and rolled them in his hand, pulling off of his dick so that he could lap at his perineum and hole. Tony was fully hard now, against his will. There was nothing the genius could do about it though.

  
The feeling of Bucky’s tongue stimulating his nerve endings managed to cancel out the remaining tenderness of the fissures he’d previously created, pleasure distracting Tony from the pain.

  
It felt unbearably good and Tony cried gently as he involuntarily neared orgasm, his own body being turned against him once again. He clenched his fists in their bonds and whimpered, his body tensing as Bucky ever so gently edged the tip of a lubed finger into his ass. It felt amazing and Tony flushed as he felt his body open up and accept Bucky into him, crying as he was defiled and humiliated in the worst way possible. And what made it worse was that when Bucky brushed a finger against his prostate, he wanted more. Despite the soreness inside him, and the dull burning ache, Bucky was using enough lube and was going so slow that he wasn’t hurting Tony at all.

  
In a way, Tony wished that he was being brutal and violent like before. This sweet torture was so much worse.

  
Bucky pulled his finger out and began to lap at his cock again, licking the tip tenderly and lapping up the precum dribbling from Tony’s cock like it was the sweetest substance in the world. Tony couldn’t help but curl his toes and whimper into his gag, crying as Bucky tenderly stroked his fingers down his thighs and legs, caressing his newly smooth skin and following the lines of his veins and arteries. The touch was so loving and gentle, which made everything worse. Tony wanted to be in pain, to be ripped and torn.

Anything but this sweet, sweet torture.

  
The genius desperately tried to separate his emotions from the feelings of pleasure taking over his body, escaping into the depths of his thoughts as much as he could.

 

However, when Bucky pressed his lubed cock into Tony, who was fully stretched at this point, he couldn’t help but come back to reality. “God, you’re so tight baby. Love how strong the serum has made you, look at how you are pulling me in. I feel like your ass is hugging me. You’re so perfect.” Bucky’s slow, languid, rhythmic rocking was making his thick cock hit Tony’s prostate with every thrust, the angle perfect and Tony wept as he realised how close he was.

 

His breathing was ragged now, air being drawn in desperately through the blanket as he jerked weakly against his restraints.

 

“You’re so beautiful Steve, look at how hard you are for me. Such a good boy. I just wish that we had done this sooner, all those wasted years spent apart. But I’ll make up for it baby, I love you.” Bucky continued to thrust gently, cupping Tony’s balls and lightly tugging them as he gradually picked up speed.

  
Tony felt his entire world crash around him as he came, letting out an animalistic howl of shame into his gag as he rolled his hips as best as he could, twitching in his bonds as Bucky fucked him through his orgasm. His body and brain were fighting, his body desperately seeking out pleasure while his brain screamed at him in protest.

  
He’d never come so hard in his life.

  
He was fucked up.

  
Equally as fucked up as Bucky, by the looks of things.

  
He’d just gotten off on being raped, and to be honest, it was one of the most intense orgasms of his life.

  
What did that make him?

  
Tony sobbed as he felt Bucky finish inside of him, completely shutting down when he felt the super soldier wipe his hole gently with a warm, slightly damp cloth. The last thing he could recall was Bucky gently pressing a kiss to his pucker, and the sensitive tip of his penis before he switched off, allowing his body to sink into unconsciousness. Anything was better than acknowledging what he had allowed to happen to himself.

  
…

  
Nat was holding onto Clint as he sobbed, rocking him gently and trying to distract him as Bruce continued to clean up his wounds. They’d been on the Quinjet for forty minutes now, Clint having explained everything that had happened over the past twelve hours. It had taken all of them twenty minutes to calm him down enough to talk, and to reassure him that this wasn’t his fault. That Tony wouldn’t blame him for letting Bucky capture him.

  
Their reassurances didn’t make him feel any better.

  
They didn’t make any of them feel better, although at least this time the team were in a better position to help. They knew what was going on for a start - that Bucky was abusing Tony, and they knew exactly where he was. In San Francisco. Clint had planted a tracker on Tony, just to be on the safe side. His reasoning was that it would allow him to keep an eye on Tony even if the other man had wandered off and left him. Clint had predicted that Tony would possibly have a panic attack and hide at some point during his visit, or walk away during a fight. He’d just wanted to be able to watch over his friend, and god was he glad that he had, once again, violated his friend’s privacy.

  
According to their navigation system, they were only ten minutes away from Tony now.

  
It had been over an hour in total though, since Clint and Tony had been separated, and god only knew what damage the super soldier could have unleashed in that time.

  
The thought alone nearly made Bruce Hulk-out, and Nat had shed a few tears herself, although she kept in control of her emotions as best as she could so that she was in a fit state to comfort Clint. Of course though, the Avengers were all in shock, particularly Steve, who was pacing furiously around the deck.

  
“It should have been me. I should have been there, not you, Clint. It should have been me. Maybe I could have protected him, killed Barnes. God, what if he-what do you think he’s is doing to Tony? How could I have let this happen again?!” Steve punched the closest wall to him for what felt like the hundredth time, ignoring the way his bruised knuckles ached in protest. He wanted to scream.

  
Of course, he didn’t blame Clint for what had happened, but if he had just been there instead of the archer, perhaps things would have ended differently. At least he would have had a chance to protect his lover.

  
He couldn’t do anything right.

  
“Steve, I have enough work on my hands right now, I don’t want to have to patch up your broken hand as well!” Bruce said, exasperation clear in his tone, but not anger. He was too exhausted to be angry.

  
“Sorry. I just can’t believe that this has happened. What if Tony’s already d-” Steve couldn’t bring himself to say it, crying into his palms as he sank to the floor. Now was not the time to go to pieces, but god it was hard not to.

  
“He won’t be. We’ll be there in ten minutes, and then we’re going to bust Tony out and take care of him. All of us, together again. We will make this right.”

  
“I sure hope so,” Steve whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought <3 Love you all :D


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here is the chapter you have been waiting for :D 
> 
> Angst, recuperation and comfort to come over the next few posts. Warnings for the usual - y'all should know how fucked up this story is by now XD 
> 
> Once again thank you all so much for everything. I can't express what your support means to me, and I am so, so pleased that I have been able to write something that you have taken the time to read and enjoy. Which is crazy!
> 
> Love you all and I hope you have had a good week :)

Tony cried in silence, tears pouring down his face and dripping down to his ears due to him still being laid down and restrained. His skin was itchy from his older, now- dried tears, but he couldn’t do as much as wipe them away. Hell, he couldn’t even flick the stray hair that was tickling his nose to the side. He was completely defenceless and had been left on his own for what felt like hours now, although rationally he knew that it had only been around five minutes at the most.

  
Bucky had left him lying there, shivering in the bitter chill of the room as he felt the last traces of semen leaking out of his ass. Even though Bucky had lovingly licked his hole clean, it was clear that Tony would never truly be able to get rid of Bucky’s tainted essence over his body. With a whimper Tony tried to shift, once again only succeeding in making the restraints pinning him down dig into him even deeper.

  
His ass was sore now, despite his last rape being more akin to ‘lovemaking.’ He had hoped that the burning ache deep within him wouldn’t reappear, but since when had life been treating him fairly recently. It hurt. It hurt almost as much as the violent sexual assault in that alleyway, although perhaps in a different way. Of course Tony had been overly-optimistic when he thought that maybe those wounds would be given a chance to heal. How had he deluded himself into thinking that he’d never be raped again? That his friends would protect him, or that he would ‘man up’ and defend himself. After all, Stark men were meant to be made of iron. Strong.

  
Tony clearly was the black sheep of the family.

  
Always defying expectations of him.

  
Tony snorted to himself.

  
He wanted to scream out for help, but rationally knew that he had no chance of being rescued. Nobody had any clue where he was and even if the Avengers did know where he was, look at the last few months. They had never once truly come to his rescue, so why should he hope that they would this time?

  
Panic seeped in as Tony’s mind wandered to his fellow teammates and Tony couldn’t help but worry about Clint. Despite Clint letting him down, he didn’t wish ill on his teammate. At least he had come to the island and tried.

  
The archer had been in a pretty bad way when Tony had forced him overboard, and for all Tony knew he could have drowned. If he’d have passed out from the shock of hitting icy cold water, or from the pain in his shot thigh, chances were that he’d have drowned before help could have arrived. What if Clint hadn’t had the strength to pull himself into the spare boat? Tony had been knocked out and dragged to the other side of the yacht, onto the speedboat, unable to see. Anything could have happened and he wouldn’t have known about it, the sinking yacht blocking his view. Even if he had been conscious it would have made no difference.

  
Shit.

  
Tony had gotten himself into some pretty dire situations, Afghanistan and his entire fucking childhood to name but a few, but this really did take the cake. He had no idea where Bucky had got to – and if the delusional super soldier was still under the apprehension that he was Steve, or if he had come to his senses. Tony hoped for the former option, because if nothing else that would at least mean he’d have to go through less physical pain. Then again, the idea of another round of gentle sex didn’t sound appealing. And coming from a man who usually loves sex as much as Tony, that is saying something.

  
Not that Tony thought he’d ever be able to have sex again without feeling the super soldier’s hands all over him, caressing his body in ways that he never had the right to. And it’s not like Steve would ever want to touch him again…especially with the tattoos. Steve deserved someone perfect, untarnished. Not a man reduced to nothing more than a common whore, or slut. Or whatever you want to call Tony now. As Bucky had gloated, he had reduced Tony to nothing more than a fuckable hole.

  
Tony cried even harder now, coming to the realisation that he would never feel Steve’s loving caress across his skin. His former lover would never brush his hair from his eyes in the morning, would never kiss his eyelids when he was drifting off to sleep. He’d never kiss Tony’s neck from behind or boop him childishly on the nose to prevent an argument from breaking out. Who could have a domestic spat when a man as handsome as Steve bopped you on the nose?

  
Steve would never again distract Tony when he was meant to be heading to a gala, bending him over his desk and fucking him like a man possessed by lust because ‘you are fucking irresistible in that suit. I just have to have you Tony, right now, or I might die.’

  
Tony would never be fuckable again.

  
God, what would Steve think of him now, cowering and defiled, crying like a spineless, pathetic child? And all because he hadn’t had the courage to stand up for himself to begin with. He hadn’t been able to swallow his petty pride and admit that he had needed help. He’d been weak, and now he was paying for it.

  
Or at least that’s how Tony felt.

  
He screwed his eyes tighter shut in an attempt to stop his tears from flowing, focussing on not letting the blanket on top of him make him panic. Now that he wasn’t being distracted by Bucky raping him (ha, distracting, as if that covered it), the blanket seemed to be pressing down on him even more, and when combined with the restraints physically pinning him down, Tony’s claustrophobia was mounting by the minute.

  
Every inch of his body was aching with the need to get away, to move, to escape, but it wasn’t possible. Tony had no way of getting out.

  
He closed his eyes and waited for Bucky to come back.

  
There wasn’t much else he could do.

* * *

“Steve? Hey Steve, how are you feeling? I was going to make some dinner but…well I just couldn’t bear to be away from you for so long. This last few minutes has felt like years to me. Years apart from you. It’s crazy, isn’t it? How dependent we are on each other? You feel the same way too, right?”

  
Tony didn’t reply. Of course. Even I f he wasn’t gagged, he probably wouldn’t have responded.

  
What could you say to that?

  
“You’re so beautiful Steve, look at you! You’ve spread yourself already? Just for me, god, you sure know how to treat a man. You’re so beautiful, look at that cock, you’re prefect. I love everything about you. I always have, you know that? Even before the serum, I love your intelligence. How smart you are, god, you could talk to me about mathematics and I’d still be turned on.” Tony felt Bucky’s fingers trailing across his calf, caressing him gently. “Love your freckles and your sense of humour too, I love everything about you. Why did you have to push me away, baby? You know that we are destined to be together forever, right?” Bucky shook his head softly, not that Tony saw this. “But don’t worry. It doesn’t matter now. I know that you made a mistake with Stark.” Bucky practically spat Tony’s name, ejecting it from his body like a poison. Something disgusting. Well, Tony guessed that was partly true, he was disgusting.

He was ruined.

  
“Do you want to make love again, baby? I can’t help it, I need you so badly. Please let me take you again. I need to wash him away from you. The fact that he has touched you – it makes me sick. It’s not your fault of course, I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you, I could never stay mad. But please, I need to make you mine again. Please, I need to know what you saw in him. Why wasn’t I enough for you, my love?” Bucky didn’t wait for a reply. “I’ll do better, I promise. You’ll never want for anything again.”

  
Tony could do nothing as he felt lube slicked fingers entering him again, shutting his brain off against the barrage of sensations as his sore hole was stretched open again. It didn’t feel good this time. It hurt, burned deeper and deeper. He whimpered when Bucky forced his girthy cock into his hole again.

  
It was almost enough to distract Tony from the ache in his heart.

  
Almost.

  
Tony chuckled into his gag when he remembered the saying ‘lie back and think of England,’ but thought hey, fuck it. Why not take the saying literally?

  
He allowed his mind to flit back to one of his first ever official dates with Steve. He had flown them in one of his private helicopters to London, where they stayed in a five star hotel and Tony introduced Steve to England’s wondrous history. The super soldier had been momentarily overwhelmed by the rich culture and the non-stop hustle and bustle of thousands of people making their way around the city, but by the time he had been round a few war museums (Tony being ever thoughtful and considering his boyfriend’s interests above his own), and a couple of galleries, he was in love with the place. In fact, they had returned three times since, mainly to make up for the time they wasted fucking each other in expensive hotel suites instead of sightseeing.

  
Hey, don’t judge. They were both irresistible.

  
Were.

  
Past tense.

  
Because Tony was certainly resistible now.

  
He was drawn out of his musings by a loud crash, which startled him, and Bucky judging by the way the super soldier pulled out of him violently, making Tony’s hole burn in protest. God it hurt.  
Tony couldn’t see what had happened, but judging by the sound of things, the Avengers were here. Finally. But how had they found him?

  
In a way Tony hoped that they hadn’t found him, because that would mean that they could see him right now, tied down with his legs wide open. That they’d seen him with Bucky’s cock up his ass. Seen him being fucked like an animal. Shame prickled through him as he realised once again how exposed he was. They could all see his limp, shrivelled cock, his stretched open asshole leaking cum and probably blood. They’d finally see how far he had sunk in person.

  
Tony wished that he could run. Perhaps even make a better job of slitting his wrists. He had learnt from his mistakes. He wouldn’t fail this time round. It really would be the end.

  
“TONY!” Clint’s howl was barely heard over Hulk’s gargantuan roar of anger, the giant green rage monster having just broken down the door. Or wall. Who knew?

  
Tony could do nothing but panic as he heard Nat’s cry of pain, closely followed by a bellow of “HULK ANGRY. HULK SMASH!”  
From the ear-piercing screams escaping from Bucky, and the violent curses, Hulk was giving Bucky what the team liked to call ‘the Loki treatment,’ smashing him against the floor with all of his might. God Tony wished he could see that.

  
Tony flinched when he sensed people approaching him, wincing when one set of hands began to work at releasing him from his bonds, and the other whipped the blanket off on him to reveal Steve and Clint. Clint’s jaw was set as he concentrated on releasing Tony, but Steve was clearly falling apart. His breaths were coming in small pants and gasps as tears flowed down his cheeks, his hands trembling violently as he yanked the gag from Tony’s mouth and set about undoing the restraint around Tony’s neck.

  
The genius let out a gasp of relief when it finally came undone, looking around and blinking wildly at the room around him. The bright light of the strip-light above him made spots appear in his vision, the promise of a headache beginning to stir.

  
It was strangely anticlimactic, really. Just a normal room with whitewashed walls. There was no sex dungeon, no typical evil-genius lair. Just an abandoned house with tenants long since gone.

  
Then Tony caught sight of a metal table with a tattoo gun, razor and bowl of water on top of it, making him blanch. That was more incepting with how he felt. Suitably horrific.

  
“It’s ok baby, I’m here. God Tony, I’m here. It’s ok, you’re safe. I’ll never let him hurt you again.”

  
“Don’t call me that.” Tony whispered, voice hoarse as he struggled to sit up, now unrestrained. His entire body was trembling and he couldn’t help but curl in on himself for a moment, taking a few steadying breaths before glancing over at Bruce. Well, Hulk. The green giant had finally dropped a groaning Bucky on the floor and, with an apologetic glance at Tony, left the room so that he could turn back into Bruce without compromising the situation.

  
It would be a long while before he calmed down.

  
Hopefully he wouldn’t tear up the whole city.

  
Natasha had taken over the fight from Hulk, lightning quick as she saw Bucky struggling to get to his feet.

  
Tony caught sight of Bucky for the first time since the yacht. The soldier had clearly had time to tuck himself back into his pants, but it was clear that he had been caught off-guard. However, now that he was thrown into a battle situation, he was beginning to come back into his own.

  
He lunged at Nat, narrowly avoiding an arrow shot by Clint and managing to backhand her hard across the face. Clint roared in fury and threw himself on the super soldier, pummelling the larger man with everything he had as he screamed obscenities into his face and lashed at his chest with a pocket knife. The archer’s words were barely intelligible, but it didn’t take a genius to work out what he meant.

  
Steve wrapped an arm around Tony and helped him to his feet. He had already picked up Tony’s clothes from the floor, where Bucky had left them, and he helped Tony’s trembling limbs into his garments, mumbling reassurances and apologies every time his hands brushed Tony’s skin, making him flinch.

  
Even Steve’s touch felt wrong now and Tony found himself cowering away from his ex, backing away and sobbing weakly as he watched Steve cry even harder. He didn’t want to hurt Steve, but his body screamed out in protest with every touch.

  
The Avengers made their move, apart from Clint who was still fighting Bucky. Steve and Nat surrounded Tony in a defensive circle, weapons raised as they guarded him from all sides. If Bucky wanted to get to Stark, he would have to get through all of them first. And hell hath no fury like Avengers scorned.

  
Steve headed the circle, standing directly between Bucky and Tony’s line of sight, blocking them from each other. His expression hardened as he began striding over to Bucky, who was still putting up an impressive fight. Clint, on the receiving end of a metal fist to the gut, backed away when Steve took his place, moving to where Steve had previously been stood in their defensive circle.

  
They all watched as in one swift movement, Steve hauled his former friend off the ground by the scruff of his neck, beating the fight out of him with one punch to the gut.

  
Although it wasn’t really the punch that broke Bucky. It was the fact that Steve was the one who had thrown it.

  
“Steve? What are you doing baby? Why are you doing this? And why is he here?!” Bucky spat in Tony’s direction, clearly lucid enough now to realise that Stark was in the same room as him.

  
“I’m not your baby. You disgust me. You vile, manipulative, inhuman, rapist piece of shit. I’m going to make you pay for what you’ve done to Tony. To my boyfriend. The love of my life. How could you have ever thought that I’d love you over him? You are nothing, Barnes. You. I’m going to kill you, Barnes. And I’m going to enjoy every second of it.” Everybody tensed, knowing that when Captain America swore, shit was going to hit the fan.

  
“Steve, no, please? I love you!” Steve backhanded Bucky hard and kneed him in the groin at the same time. Now that he had started hitting Bucky, he couldn’t seem to stop and in a matter of moments he was attacking the other man like a wild animal, rabid and feral as he struck Bucky again and again. Most of his kicks were aimed at his groin and Steve felt a sick stab of satisfaction thinking that he was avenging Tony, inflicting some of the pain that Tony had felt as he was raped onto Barnes’ own genitals.

  
Bucky curled up and cried, unwilling or unable to fight back against Steve. From his point of view, his lover was beating him. Abusing him and rejecting him.

  
Good, Steve thought bitterly.

  
“Steve? I love you? Why are you -?”

  
Bucky was cut off by Steve hauling him up and pressing him against the wall by the neck, a snarl crossing his face as he watched Bucky’s skin turn red and blotchy. This was nothing like the movies. Bucky’s eyes didn’t romantically close, and he didn’t stutter out a quick final breath. This was violent, ugly and sickening. Bucky’s face was puffy now, his now blood-red eyes bulging and his hands scrabbling at his neck frantically as his body subconsciously began to fight back. His limbs were thrashing wildly and he was beginning to drool, unable to swallow or cough as his airway closed. His lips were swelling and his ears ringing. But what hurt the most was the fact that it was the love of his life doing this. How could Steve do this to him? Didn’t he realise that Bucky was the love of his life. His soulmate?

  
“See you in hell.” Steve hissed, knowing that Bucky was about to draw his final breath. He had pretty much gone limp now, barely moving as he looked into Steve’s eyes with an expression of such betrayal that it almost made Steve question his resolve. It was surreal in a way, causing his former best friend, his longest companion, to die. It was even stranger to enjoy it.

  
The stench of ammonia filled the room as Bucky lost control of his bladder, tears pouring down his cheeks as he realised that he was going to die at the hand of his ‘lover’.

  
“That’s enough. Stop!” Steve felt a hand on his shoulder, strong yet uncertain.

  
It was Tony.

  
The smaller man had come up behind him without Steve realising and he was saying things that Steve couldn’t hear or understand over the blood rushing through his ears.

  
“Steve. You need to stop, please, for me?”

  
“I don’t-” Steve pulled his hand away from Bucky’s neck like he had been burnt when Tony gently tugged on his upper arm. Bucky fell to the ground with a loud thud and Steve watched, face slack as Tony got down to the soldier’s level.

  
“Barnes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what HYDRA did to you, what they turned you into.”

  
Bucky looked at him, confusion and hurt etched across his face. But no anger. He looked broken, to put it simply.

  
Of course, Tony had momentarily thought about killing Bucky himself. He didn’t want Steve doing it, or witnessing it, but there was nothing physically stopping him from taking Barnes’ life himself. Killing Bucky would be easy. He could grab one of Nat’s knives from the floor and slit his throat. He could even do it slowly, gazing into Bucky’s panicked eyes and watch as reality dawned on the other man – the realisation that this was the end and all that lay ahead of him was nothingness. Watch as the life seeped out of him.

  
But what would that make him?

  
Nobody would be the real winner in that situation.

  
No.

  
Tony was a better man than that.

  
He looked Bucky in the eye as he spoke, his voice soft and unwavering in determination.

  
“I forgive you. Barnes. I hope that one day SHIELD can help restore you to what you once were. I truly do.” With that he turned his back on his captor and rapist, proud in the knowledge that he was the bigger man. That he was fucking strong. Because doing what he had just done took far more strength than simply killing Bucky.

  
He knew that although it would take time, he was in a position where he could begin a long and arduous healing process.

* * *

Steve looked on with shock, still looking like he wanted to kill Bucky with his bare hands.

  
“Tony. Please. Let me kill him. I have to. Don’t you see? He’s a monster. After what he did to you – after what I let him do to you. I have to make this up to you, to defend you. Avenge you! I’ll kill him, Tony. I’ll kill him for you. You’ll never have to live in fear again.”

  
“It’s ok Steve. You don’t have to do that. He was your best friend. I don’t want you to have to live with killing him for the rest of your life. You don’t have to do that for me.”

  
“Tony, I-I’d do anything for you.”

  
“I know. But I don’t want that for you. What kind of man would I be if I allowed you to kill him for me?”

  
“One who deserves peace, who should never have to see this animal’s face again?”

  
“I won’t. We’ll hand him over to Fury and Coulson. They can deal with him. Lock him away to rot. And besides, he doesn’t deserve to die. He doesn’t deserve the easy way out. And maybe, just maybe we can fix him.”

  
Steve nodded weakly, weeks’ worth of emotions crashing over him as he fell to the floor at Tony’s feet, sobbing for all he was worth. His chest felt like it was being ripped apart as he gasped desperately for breath. Tony was right, Bucky didn’t deserve to die. Not the real Bucky, and if there was a chance of getting him back, well that was Tony’s choice. And he didn’t deserve to fall apart right now. No. It was Tony who should be being comforted right now, not him.

  
Steve pulled himself to his feet, wiping his eyes as he watched Tony’s conflicted face. The genius’ eyes were focussed on Bucky, who was being handcuffed and dragged out of the room by Natasha. For a moment Steve thought that the genius was going to change his mind, but then he seemed to somewhat regain control of himself. He stood, back straight and head held high as he looked over at his friends.

  
“Shawarma?” He joked softly, a small sparkle finally entering his eyes. A glint that they hadn’t seen in months, since all of this had started.

  
Clint huffed out a small laugh, but shook his head. “Nah. I think it’s time to go home, don’t you?”

  
Tony nodded in the affirmative, edging past the other Avengers and keeping his distance as he made his way out of the building, following the stairs down to the ground level and locating the front door. There was a car waiting outside for them, manned by Happy, who’s face spread into a grin when he saw his friend. He was going to drive them to the Quinjet, which had been parked in a field a few miles away.

  
“Good to see you, Tone.”

  
“You too.” Tony’s voice was emotionless.

* * *

Clint was in charge of flying this time, since Natasha was still taking care of Bucky and Bruce was still cooling down somewhere. Fury would arrange to pick him up and take him back to New York later. The archer was going at breakneck speed, as fast as he could without putting anyone in danger. Although he knew that the threat was gone, and that Bucky would never get close to them again, the need to reach home as quickly as possible was overwhelming.

  
They needed to reach safety. To be somewhere secure.

  
“Tony?” Tony looked up from the plastic seat that he was sat in, still absently fiddling with the sleeve of his SHIELD issue jumper. He had changed clothes as soon as he got on the jet, desperate to shed himself of the garments tainted by Bucky. Of course, this didn’t really help and all he really wanted was to have a boiling hot shower, but that wasn’t an option right now. At this point in time, he had to face Steve.

  
“Yeah?”

  
“Are you o-” Steve cut himself off. Stupid question. “Do you need anything?”

  
“No.”

  
“I – Thank you. For before. I really appreciate what you did. I know why you did that, I understand. I’m p-proud of you.” Steve’s voice broke.

  
“Thanks.” Tony’s voice was distant and he was avoiding Steve’s gaze again.

  
“I’m looking forward to you coming home. Things are going to change from now on, you know that, right? Things will be better.”

  
“Yeah.”

* * *

Tony made his way into the tower, legs unsteady as a barrage of emotions struck him. He walked through the main lobby where he had been previously attacked, noting how all of the furniture had been replaced, the walls painted a different colours and new artwork on the walls.

  
That didn’t change the fact that he had Bucky had overpowered him here. Pummelled him to within an inch of his life and kicked his groin so badly that it had hurt to piss or wear boxers for weeks. Even the soft brush of fabric was agony, although it was unavoidable.

  
Clint noticed his friend shudder and offered a hand to Tony, who drew away from him. He didn’t want to be touched.

  
“Tony-”

  
“Don’t.”

  
Tony set his jaw and began to stride towards the nearest elevator.

  
“JARVIS, my floor please.” He turned to the rest of the team as the elevator doors opened behind him. “I’ll take it from here. Thanks…I’d appreciate it if you left me alone.”

  
Steve watched with tears in his eyes as Tony was closed off from his view, his feet itching to run forward and follow his love. To sprint over to him and embrace him, hold him close and make sure that nobody could ever come near them again.

  
He didn’t.

  
He remained motionless and allowed Clint and Nat to wrap their arms around him, guiding him to his own floor where they all curled up on his double bed and lay in silence, waiting for sleep to take them.

  
The double bed that he had barely slept in since getting together with Tony, all those years ago.

  
It was a long night for all parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what to do :D
> 
> Love you <3
> 
> Lots of comfort and healing to come. Although it won't be easy...
> 
> Also, I know a lot of you want Bucky dead. And I'm not saying never, but for now I think this is a true sign of Tony's strength. I may leave this story open for Bucky's recuperation, or I could have him bust out and leave the Avengers with no choice but to kill him. I haven't decided yet. Thoughts?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! I'm so sorry this chapter took a while. Life has been mental and had a few tough days where I wasn't in the right frame of mind to write, but I'm back now :D This is a bit of a filler chapter to move things along, but there is some fluff, so I hope that you all enjoy it :)
> 
> I love you all <3
> 
> Also, this was a bit late because a plot bunny attacked me and made me write another fic. It's a one-shot called 'They’re a Strange Thing, Tally Charts' and I'd love to hear what you think about it. Please ready the warnings and tags though if you do check it out, as it could be triggering <3

Tony paced around his newly redecorated bedroom for what felt like the five hundredth time, although in reality it was probably only the thirtieth. Which, now he comes to think of it, is still quite a lot of pacing. Especially when you are frail, exhausted and meant to be going to bed.

Then again, going to bed would be a lot easier if Tony didn’t have a minor flashback to being pinned down on that goddamn table and being raped every time he looked at it. The now familiar deep, burning ache coming from his cut up arm was making itself known, along with the strange prickling sensation over his thighs and hip where he had been pierced by Bucky’s tattoo gun. Oh, and don’t forget the frankly agonising pain is his asshole, which Tony really did not want to think about right now. If only his nerve endings would get that memo, because Christ was his ass doing its best to make him cry right now.

Mentally shaking himself, Tony made his way over to his bed for the seventh time, laying his hands on the crisp new bedding and telling himself, again, that he was being ridiculous. It was a bed. It wasn’t going to hurt him.

There was no monster lurking beneath it, waiting to attack him in the night. Tony wasn’t a child. But the problem with that logic was that there had been someone lurking around his home, waiting to attack him in the night. Admittedly Bucky had never crept under his bed, but he had snuck around vents and invaded every inch of Tony’s personal space and living quarters.

Tony blushed, shamefaced as he stooped down to check the area under his bed frame – just in case.

Being sensible, Tony knew that lying down would not make Bucky suddenly appear before him, cock out with some handcuffs and a gag. Yet the idea of lying down, exposing himself and allowing himself to be vulnerable made Tony’s heart rate go into overdrive.

Which was stupid. Bucky was locked away in some hell-holeish jail cell, where he was probably being interviewed by Fury and Coulson at this very minute. The last Tony heard from JARVIS, the super soldier, or the not-very-super at all solider, try sadistic soldier…Tony gave himself another mental shake, more forceful this time. He was waffling, a sure-fire sign that he was beyond exhausted. The fact of the matter was that he was safe. Or as safe as a superhero could ever be. Come to think about it, that really isn’t very reassuring.

Anyways, bed.

Tony muttered the word aloud, wondering how such a mundane object suddenly had a hold of him, growing ever more impatient with himself and his stupid brain for thinking too much into this. The bane of being a genius – you overthink. A lot.

With a final sigh and spurt of courage, Tony practically flopped down onto his memory foam mattress, allowing himself to sink into its familiar embrace as he closed his eyes, and in one smooth movement, pulled the duvet and sheets up and over him.

That was a mistake.

A big mistake.

Tony let out a shrill cry as all of a sudden the room closed in around him, the duvet in the room replaced by the scratchy blanket haunting his mind, pinning him down and suffocating. He fell to the ground with a dull thud, scrambling out of the covers and bracing himself against his bedside table, white-knuckling it as he berated himself.

Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He kicked the dressing table with all of his might, the satisfaction of letting out some aggression marred somewhat by the pain that shot through his foot. Typical Tony, making things worse and being destructive.

Part of him wanted to go back up to the communal floor, or to one of the Avengers rooms, knowing that none of them would be asleep either. In fact, they were probably all fretting about him right now. It would be so easy. Just one trip in the elevator and he’d have someone there for him, to watch over him as he slept. But that would mean swallowing his pride, and if there was one thing that Tony could try and scrape back from all of this, it was his pride. Nothing else was salvageable, but that small piece of Tony’s old personality could perhaps be saved.

But still, that rationality didn’t stop Tony’s heart from aching, mental images of Steve protecting him during past missions flooding his vision as he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the nearest wall. It still smelt of fresh paint, yet another reminder of the Avengers and how, regardless of all this, they were trying to make things better. Despite all of their faults, they were still there for him. And he had shut them away.

Let him say it again, stupid.

“Sort yourself out, Stark.” Tony grumbled to himself, wringing his hands distractedly as he considered his options. He could go and seek out Clint and Nat, but he didn’t want to disturb them. Bruce was probably exhausted from his last Hulk-Out session and he really couldn’t be bothered to deal with Captain America’s holier-than-thou-art assumptions right now. Not to mention his sad puppy dog eyes, which had become a permanent fixture on his face since he had found out about Bucky. Thor had fucked of to Asgard months ago and Rhodey and Happy were in a different state and Pepper didn’t deserve to have to put up with his shit.

Which left Tony to deal with this alone.

Again.

Tony grabbed the duvet and under sheet from his bed and a couple of pillows, propping the pillows up in one corner of his room and dumping the duvet next to them to create a nest of sorts. Then, with a shudder, he forced himself to roll up the sheet into a tube, which he surrounded the duvet with. Then, with a quick order to JARVIS to turn the heating up so that he wouldn’t need a cover over his actual body, he climbed into his nest. Not that he’d ever tell Clint he called it that, or he’d be the one on the other end of constant bird related jokes.

His eyes fluttered closed and before Tony knew it, he was fast asleep, the stress of the last few months having won him over.

* * *

Steve had given up on sleeping in his double bed alone long ago, and had taken to patrolling the corridor leading to Stark’s bedroom and lab. He knew that he was being ridiculous, that Bucky was locked away in a high security cell, yet he wanted to be there for Tony in the only way he could right now – which was in terms of proximity, considering that, emotionally, Tony wouldn’t let him come anywhere near him. And he probably never would again, but Steve would tackle that problem when he came to it.

He wandered up and down with his shield in one hand, his other hand resting on his gun, which was resting in a belt style holster. Steve was beyond exhausted, but every time he closed his eyes, all he could think of was what he had witnessed before, his beautiful, loyal, loving partner being raped, Bucky thrusting in to him like he was an inanimate sex toy. An object to be used. A hole.

Steve had to brace himself against the wall for a moment to stop the room from spinning, successfully quenching his nausea for now. His body was revolting against what he had seen, clearly desperate to expulse everything unclean that he had come into contact with. Steve’s stomach had been rolling for hours now, his legs wobbling and his hands shaking even as he walked straight-backed and on high alert.

To the untrained eye, he looked fine, however when Clint found him pacing the corridor half an hour later, he saw right through Steve’s guise.

“Cap? What are you doing here?” He asked, too tired to make a snarky remark about Steve being a creeper or something.

“I could ask you the same question, Barton.”

“I just-I wanted to check on Tony. To make sure that everything is alright.”

“Me too. I don’t want to go in there and disturb him, not when he wants to be left alone. But I had to do something. I couldn’t just lie there in bed, knowing that he is suffering. I can’t – I can’t get the images out of my head.” A single tear trickled down Steve’s cheek and he didn’t bother to wipe it away. He was falling apart, who cares if the other saw him cry, and they’d know how much of a mess he was right now, one way or another.

“I know. I keep seeing it too. The way Bucky was just using him.” Clint shuddered, approaching Steve slowly and gently scooping the broader man into a hug, clapping him on the back so that he wouldn’t appear too chick-flick.

“You should get some rest, Clint. I have this covered.” Steve sighed, rubbing a hand over his face in a universal sign of exhaustion. Right now he looked on par with every exhausted commuter on the metro, and hardly like an avenging superhero.

“So should you.”

“I’m not leaving him.”

“Yeah, I kinda already got that impression. Why don’t I grab you a sleeping bag? You can pitch up here and keep an eye out. You’ll hear any intruder, but still be able to get some sleep.”

“Thanks Clint. I appreciate it. It means a lot.”

“Don’t mention it. Seriously. Don’t mention it, Nat will think that I’m going soft.”

Steve chuckled, the noise sounding wrong under such solemn circumstances.

* * *

Steve curled up outside Tony’s bedroom door after making his way through Tony’s lab, JARVIS finally having conceded that he meant no harm, and had no intention of disturbing his master. To be frank, the AI quite liked the idea of Tony being protected right now and who better to do it than Captain America? Or so you would have thought before all of this.

“Thanks J, for letting me in.”

“It was my pleasure, Captain.” Was it Steve or was some of JARVIS’ recent frosty tone beginning to melt away. Maybe he was at least making amends with Tony’s AI, if nothing else.

With a small smile Steve closed his eyes, one hand still on his shield as he drifted into a light doze. He was literally sleeping with one eye open, keeping watch for anyone who wanted to do Tony harm.

* * *

Steve jolted awake when he heard a gut-wrenching scream emanate from the room beside him, Tony’s voice screeching and animalistic as he cried out in terror. In a matter of milliseconds he was on his feet, desperately pleading with JARVIS to let him in as Tony continued to cry out.

“Master Stark is simply experiencing a night terror. I am more than equipped to deal with this, and I intend to uphold his wish to be left alone.”

“JARVIS please, I’m begging you. Tony needs love and comfort right now, please just let me in. He’ll feel safer if he knows I am there.”

“That may be so, Captain, but you have hardly done a stellar job of keeping my creator safe as of late, so excuse me for not ‘jumping for joy’ at your empty promises of protection.” Damn. Any headway Steve had made with JARVIS had clearly just been negated in spectacular fashion. The AI had gone into overprotective mode.

When Tony let out another sharp cry, followed by JARVIS’ reassurances, Steve curled up into the tightest ball he possibly could outside his door. He had never felt so useless or so ill-equipped to deal with a situation and to be truthful, this was the worst he had ever felt with his life. Before he had been able to fight Bucky, to pour his efforts into the search and into trying to make things right with his flowers and cards.

Now Steve was useless.

He had no idea how he would make Tony feel better, even if by some miracle JARVIS did let him in to Tony’s bedroom.

In fact, Steve was convinced that the AI wouldn’t even let him into the lab next time he asked.

However, when Tony let out another outright scream, Steve began to beg again, pleading with the AI to just let him in and help.

He was met with stony silence.

Steve cried into his arms, listening to Tony’s cries turn into low moans and whimpers, until the genius presumably succumbed to sleep once more.  
It took Steve four hours to drift off again.

* * *

Tony woke with a start for the third time that night, uncurling himself from his nest and rubbing his eyes wearily. His limbs were aching in protest at having been curled up, sleeping on the floor – he wasn’t as young as he used to be, clearly, and again his neck prickled with shame as he realised how stupid he was being. How dumb do you have to be to willingly sleep on the floor when you are already bruised, torn and aching?

After running a hand through his hair a couple of times to make himself presentable, his fingers acting as a makeshift comb, he opened his bedroom door, seeking out coffee like a fox scents and tails a hound.

He let out a panicked screech when he tipped over something large and now wriggling, a black mass beneath him that…hang on, had the lump just whimpered?

“What?” A pair of blue, doe-eyes stared up at Tony from beneath him, blinking in confusion as he tried to free himself from whatever was pinning him down, and that had woken him. It took a few more moments for Tony to realise that he was lying on top of Captain America. Which usually would be great, but right now…awkward.

“Shit, sorry. I didn’t see you there. Wait-what the fuck are you doing camping in front of my door? Does this look like Glastonbury to you?”

Steve blinked again, looking somewhat owlish and to be honest, adorable with his crazy bed hair.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you-I should have told you that I – it’s just – I know it’s stupid, but I just had to know that you were close. I’ve messed up so much recently, I couldn’t bear to let you out of my sight. I-I know I’ve let you down, but over time I truly do hope that you can learn to trust me again. At your own pace, and if you want to. I’m not, I don’t want to force you into anything, or to like me, or anything. I just need to try.” Steve looked like a kicked puppy as he curled his knees up to his chest within his sleeping bag, childlike in his insecurity.

“Don’t apologise. I appreciate it. It’s nice to have someone nearby, to be truthful.” Tony stood, swaying slightly as his legs still hadn’t quite got the memo that he wasn’t tied down anymore. “I’m going to get some coffee, you coming?” It was clear that Tony was trying to keep his tone casual, and maybe Steve was reading too much into things, but to him it sounded a bit like a peace offering of some sort.

“Yeah. Yeah, coffee sounds great right about now.” Despite Tony’s reputation as the head-honcho-coffee-drinker of the tower, Steve, when he did drink coffee, got through bucketfuls. The serum meant that he needed at least six cups to get a caffeine buzz, and right now he needed all the energy he could get. Camping out in Tony’s lab on a concrete floor really wasn’t overly cosy.

They made their way up to the kitchen in silence, Steve not commenting when Tony paused to gather himself, or when he gasped in pain. Steve knew that Tony was probably in a world of pain right now, what with everything that Bucky had done to him, but he knew that it wasn’t his place to pry. Tony would talk to him as, if and when he wanted to. And Steve just had to accept that, no matter how hard it was to do so.

“Tony?”

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say that if you need anything, anything at all, I will do my best to provide it. We all will. You are in control and you can tell me to butt out, but if you want me, I am right here beside you, where I belong.”

“Thanks, Cap.”

* * *

Tony had excused himself from the kitchen after consuming his second mug of steaming black coffee, pretending that he had work to do in his lab. However, nobody was under any misapprehension as to why he had actually left – Tony was not renowned for his subtlety and disappearing just moments after Bruce, Clint and Nat entered the kitchen for breakfast was hardly a difficult sign to pick up on.

Clint stared after him despondently but didn’t comment, deciding instead to drown his sorrows with Nutella on toast. And what Clint describes as Nutella on toast is actually half a jar of chocolatey-goodness smeared over a piece of bread acting as an edible spoon. Nat tsked at him under his breath but contented herself with a cup of green tea and a fruit salad, both of which had been passed to her by Bruce.

The scientist still looked drained from his previous Hulk-Out the day before, but his skin was beginning to regain some colour and he even let out a contented sigh after his first sip of his own tea.

* * *

The Avengers were twitchy and quiet, their usual comfortable silences restrictive and claustrophobic as they made their way to the communal living area. Unspokenly they had all agreed that they didn’t want to be on their own to wallow right now. None of them were currently on form.

Each member of the team was sat in various stages of rumpled disarray, Nat with her hair unbrushed, Clint with his top inside out and Bruce with his glasses on the wonk. None of them had the energy within themselves to care. They clambered into their usual positions on the cosy sofas and armchairs surrounding the TV, but none of them bothered to switch it on. The empty spaces where Steve and Tony usually sat drawing all of their attention.

The air felt heavy in the oppressive silence, nobody knowing what to say or bothering to think of something, anything to break the reverie as they tried to cut the images of Tony being raped out of their minds.

After a while, when the silence was eventually broken by Clint (no surprises there), the Avengers began to settle down. Despite the situation, a strange contented feeling had swept over the Avengers, the intimacy of the communal lounge and the low atmospheric music Clint had asked J for putting them at ease. Or at least beginning to. Tony was home now, under their care, which meant that they could start to make amends now. Could look over him and make sure that he came to no further harm on their watch.

* * *

Tony was absorbed in his work, blowtorch grasped firmly in his trembling hands as he tried to weld the pieces of Nat’s new knife that he was working on. The feeling of being watched in his lab was completely foreign and although Tony knew that he was safe, and that JARVIS was watching over him, he couldn’t shake the sensation. He’d been through a lot of crap and hell, he had been through more emotions over the last two months than he previously knew existed, but nothing quite matched the feeling of not feeling safe in your own home.

Tony made a mental note to donate money to some domestic abuse charities, because if this is how abuse victims felt in their own home, he was going to do his damned best to help them out in whatever small way he could. Because the feeling was awful.

However, there were a few positives. He was finally back to work, putting his mind to use and distracting himself, and he had his bots back.

Dum-E was doing his best to cheer Tony up, having made him a ‘smoothie,’ and Tony used that term lightly, as anything containing traces of motor oil and engine grease really shouldn’t be considered as a healthy beverage. But hey, at least he was trying.

Tony had drunk the vile concoction in three gulps, plastering a fake grin across his face to cheer up his bot. Apparently the little guy had been missing him recently and he let out an adorable beep when Tony patted him gratefully on the top of his ‘arm.’

“Thanks buddy, I can always count on you, huh?”

Tony smiled fondly before turning back to his work.

Soon he was lost in a world of sparks and metal.

* * *

“Stark?”

Tony swore loudly, jumping out of his skin when he heard Clint’s voice from outside his lab, through the glass. He’d startled so badly that he dropped the knife he was working on, slicing a deep gash into the palm of his hand as he fumbled.

“Shit.” Clint came running into the lab, having been let in by JARVIS, immediately hurrying over to his friend to make sure he was ok. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Shit, everything I touch is falling apart right now. I-I’m so sorry Tony.”

Tony was startled to see tears pooling in Clint’s eyes. Dammit, he was not equipped to deal with this. Emotions and talking things out really weren’t Tony’s forte. He preferred complex equations and questions that had a definite answer. Humans had way too many variables.

“Don’t be stupid, Katniss. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have been operating heavy machinery, J has spent all afternoon telling me off and saying that I need rest.”

“He’s probably right.” Clint said, a small smirk playing across his lips, but Tony knew that he wasn’t really joking.

“Don’t you start!” He muttered, uninjured hand travelling down to his cup his other hand, which was bleeding like a motherfucker.

“Here, let me-” Clint reached forward to grab Tony’s hand, meaning to examine how deep the wound was, but Tony leapt backwards, the protesting sound coming from his mouth sounding more like a “nnnnghh,” rather than anything coherent. Suddenly he felt like his throat was constricting, the unwelcome touch making his skin crawl as his head span.

Before Tony could regain control of himself his body was lurching sideways. He would have hit the ground if Clint hadn’t lunged forward and caught him, exclaiming “I’ve got you, I’ve got you, I’m sorry,” again and again as he held Tony upright.

“Don’t worry. S’fine. Just being stupid.” Tony panted, mentally berating himself. Again. He seemed to be doing that a lot recently, after all. Why break the habit now?

“Nobody thinks you are being stupid, Tony. You’re in pain and hurting, you have every right to distance yourself. I shouldn’t have touched you without your permission. That was insensitive of me.” Clint, admitting he was wrong? Did Tony somehow spin into a parallel universe at some point, because that would explain a lot?!

“No, really. Don’t stress. Besides, I owe you a thank you. I really appreciate what you did for the other day. Y’know, coming to the island. You really helped me, and it means a lot to me, that you were there.” Damn this was awkward.

“I let you down. I let him hurt you again.” ‘Pathetic’ really is not a word that should apply to Clint, master assassin and archer right now, except for how it totally does. At this moment in time the guy looked practically pitiful, pain etched across his face as he remembered his perceived failings.

“No. That was all Barnes. You did your best. You laid down your life for me, multiple times. You took a bullet for me and you did your damn best. And I never did thank you for that. So thanks, I guess. And seriously, I don’t blame you, don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Tony extended his hand to Clint, who tentatively took it and examined the wound when he realised that Tony was inexplicably giving him permission to touch him. This was a big step.

Clint very gently led Tony to the bathroom, pulling out a medical kit from his cabinet. Then, he tenderly wiped the cut with an antiseptic wipe, pressing steri-strips to the gash before gently rubbing a few circles into Tony’s hand comfortingly with his thumb.

Unsure of what to say, Tony very carefully wrapped his arms around Clint, stiffening as he gave the archer a brief hug before pulling away sharply. That was enough human contact for one day, and enough chick flick-ness to last a lifetime.

Clint tried to conceal the grin that spread across his face, badly.

They were getting somewhere, and this was the first step down a very long and troublesome road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't forget to check out my recent Tony-centric one shot if you are in need of some heavy angst with a hopeful ending. It's a one-shot called 'They’re a Strange Thing, Tally Charts' and I'd love to hear what you think about it. Please ready the warnings and tags though if you do check it out, as it could be triggering <3
> 
> *Shameless self promotion of new fic is shameless.*
> 
> More team bonding scheduled for the next chapter <3
> 
> Love ya <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry, not a lot happens in this chapter and its fairly, but there's some fluff and angst. Had a horrible day yesterday when I was going to write, so this is all I could come up with. On the plus side the next chapter is planned and more exciting! I'll try to get it up sooner this time to make up for it. It should be good, I promise x
> 
> <3 Love you all

Nat and Clint looked up in surprise when Tony entered Clint’s room. The former assassins were both sat cross legged on Clint’s ridiculously large bed, courtesy of Stark’s more than generous hospitality, and they had both been looking over their tablets and mounds of paperwork that was strewn between them.

  
“Tony? Are you alright?” Clint asked, concern crossing his face as he saw how pale the genius looked. His eyes seemed frightenly sunken, chocolate brown and filled with sorrow as he tentatively crossed the room. Tony looked broken.

  
“I-Can I stay here for a bit? I don’t want to be on my own right now.” He admitted, face flushed as his voice came out as little more than a broken whisper.

  
“Of course, Tony. You’re always welcome here, y’know that, man.” Clint assured him, patting the space next to him on the bed and scooching over so that Tony wouldn’t have to get too close to him. Stark had always had personal space issues and right now Clint knew that touching the older man would probably tip him over the edge.

  
“Thanks. So what are you up to?” Tony said, desperately trying to keep his voice level, against the odds. Clint pointedly ignored the tremor in his voice, for which Stark was eternally grateful.

  
“We’re attempting to climb Coulson’s paperwork mountain. Although now that you’re here, why don’t we just play cards or something?” Natasha’s voice was soothing and Tony felt himself relax slightly.

  
“I vote a round of Bullshit.” Clint said with a grin, grabbing a deck of cards from his cupboard before slumping back down onto his bed, cross-legged. After distributing the cards, the archer was the first to lay one down. “Seven.”

  
“Bullshit!”

  
“What the hell Stark, why would I lie about a seven on the first round? That doesn’t even make sense.”

  
“Well, ninety nine percent of what comes out of your mouth is crap, so I’m just gonna call you out every time.”

  
“That so defeats the purpose of the game,” Clint grumbled, but the smirk across Stark’s face was worth being taken the mick out of. It was nice to see the other man let his guard down a little, and the snarkiness felt like home. Stark’s caustic remarks were a sure-fire way to bring everyone back down to normality, no matter the occasion.

  
Of course, when Tony and Nat finally grew tired of calling Clint out every round, Tony managed to win, despite having picked up a load of Clint’s cards from his false call-outs. Clint muttered under his breath about how geniuses shouldn’t be able to play card games as they had an unfair advantage, but Nat pointed out that Clint just didn’t have the brain power to beat them both.

  
After a few more rounds Tony was beginning to flag and for the first time Natasha managed to bump up to first place, from being in second every time. Clint remained in third place throughout.

  
“Sorry. I’m not very good company now. I’m just tired.”

  
“Yes, not sleeping will do that to a guy,” Clint sassed gently, trying to get as back to normal as possible. Tony wouldn’t appreciate the Avengers pussy-footing around him and treating him like an invalid, or worse, a child. Tony was a proud man, and rightly so. He deserved respect, not belittling.

  
Tony did his best to stay awake, but when his eyes began to flutter and his head kept lolling forwards, Clint and Natasha began to play quieter, keeping their voices soft and not commenting when Tony’s grip on his cards slackened, or when his chin hit his chest, eyes closed and dark lashes fluttering against his pale skin. In a matter of minutes Tony managed to slump sideways, his head eventually resting against Nat’s shoulder for support as he fell into a deep sleep.

  
Natasha gently shuffled up a little until her back was against Clint’s headboard, Clint helping her shift Tony so that he was fully resting against her chest. They sat like that for over two hours, Tony snuffling in his sleep and whimpering on occasion, only to be soothed back into peace by Natasha, who was carding her fingers through his hair.

  
When he eventually woke though, the illusion of peace was shattered, Tony springing to his feet in panic when he felt her arms around him. It took all of his willpower to not lash out at her on instinct, as his first reaction to being touched was to defend himself.

  
“Sorry. Sorry! I didn’t, I should go. Stuff to do, things to invent, companies to run!” He stammered, gesticulating wildly as he fled the room.

  
“That could have gone better,” Clint commented.

  
Natasha just nodded and sighed, resuming going through their paperwork. She knew that Tony wouldn’t appreciate them going after him.

* * *

Tony thanked Dumm-E when the bot passed him another steaming cup of coffee, this time only with a slight underlying hint of motor oil. He drank it down deeply, barely aware of what he was doing as his fingers continued to fly across his Stark Pad. He was hunched over his workbench, speakers belting out AC/DC as he worked. The music was so loud that it was keeping Tony focussed, preventing him from zoning out, which currently led to him having flashbacks. It was also doing a great job of keeping him awake. Apart from napping and his few hours of sleep in the floor last night, he hadn’t slept well in weeks, ever since all of this had started. He’d been plagued by nightmares every night and the idea of sleeping was ridiculously unappealing.

  
However, life had to go on and as always, Tony had work to do. Business at SI had to continue and Tony had submerged himself into a world of circuits and whirring mechanics. He was focussing with all of his mind on a tiny, intricate circuit, using a tiny screwdriver to tighten up the last few screws.

  
“Tony?”

  
“Fuck!” Tony jumped out of his skin and sent his circuit board flying across the room as he flailed, realising that he wasn’t alone in his room, but was in fact being watched by a wide eyed super soldier. He really shouldn’t have muted JARVIS’ messaging system, his heart was so not up to surprises like that.  
Tony shot Steve the best glare that he could muster but the sight of Steve’s pinched expression halted his tongue. Steve didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of Tony’s anger. No matter how much he had let Tony down, he wasn’t the one who had physically assaulted him.

  
“Tony?” Steve extended his hand out to Tony, as if he was trying to calm a cowering cat or rabbit Tony was having none of it.

  
“What do you want? You could have given me a damn heart attack. Did people not knock in the forties?” Tony muttered dryly, with no real heat to his words.

  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just thought you might want something to eat and drink.”

  
Oh, right.

  
That would explain why Steve was carrying a plate full of sandwiches. Tony noted that they were all filled with his favourite toppings. God, Tony really hated how Steve got through all of his defences and made his heart flutter, even now. It killed him to see Steve looking so sad, yet so hopeful at the same time.

  
“S’fine. Forget it. Thanks for the sandwich.”

  
“Do you, I mean, would you mind if I stayed a while?” Steve asked, gingerly swaying from one foot to the other and trying not to look too imploring.

  
“I’m really busy, Steve.”

  
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk? You look exhausted, Tone. You really shouldn’t be working, and please don’t jump down my throat again for saying that.”

  
“I have nothing to say. Nothing I ever say will make things better. I don’t need a damn agony aunt, I need a frikken miracle. Or even better, for this whole mess to have never happened.”

  
“If I could take it all away I would, ba-Tony. I would do anything to make it stop hurting. All I can do is be a shoulder for you to cry on, and listen.”

  
Tony shook his head, his hands beginning to tremble when everything suddenly became too much. It was getting hard to focus and Tony had to concentrate all of his energy on breathing to prevent himself from winding up having another panic attack.

  
Steve had to physically hold himself back to stop him from throwing his arms around the other man and hugging him.

  
“Tony, please talk to me. Please, I’ve got you, I’m here now and he’s gone. You can get through this, but working yourself into the ground and exhausting yourself isn’t the solution. You need to rest and to heal, Tony. You need time.”

  
“You have no right to tell me what I need.” Tony snarled, although there wasn’t much venom in his voice. He knew that Steve was right. Tony stood with his shoulders hunched, tears spilling down his cheeks as he broke down. Again.

  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

  
“I know.” Tony sighed, defeated. “I just can’t do it Steve. I feel like my world is crashing all around me and there is nothing I can do it. Look at me. The man who had everything, money, a lover, intelligence, humour…turns out I had nothing of any meaning.”

  
“You don’t mean that Tony, our relationship, no matter what it is right now, means something. It means the world to me. And I know it does to you, you just can’t see it at the moment. But in time I truly hope that you will understand just how much I love you, and how you are worthy of everything good in this world.” Steve pressed his hands to his face, distraught. He felt like his heart was in a vice, an icy hand gripping it and squeezing with all of its might.

  
“But I do mean it. We can never be together again, don’t you get it. Even if I wanted you, I just can’t I’m broken, Steve. I’m tainted, ruined. I don’t want to infect you with my filth. I’m disgusting, and you deserve so much better than me.” Tony’s breath hitched as he tried to supress a heavy sob, his head hanging as he cried. He wanted nothing more than to lean into Steve’s side, to collapse into his strong arms and be held by the man he loved. But even Tony wasn’t that selfish. He knew that Steve deserved better than him, and he was going to do right by the super soldier. Tony was going to set him free in the only way he could – by letting Steve go, emotionally.

  
“I don’t deserve you. I deserve what I went through, this pain. It is my price to pay for the innocent lives lost at my hands, due to my weapons. This is my punishment for not being good enough. For never being good enough, especially not for you.” Tears were falling freely down Tony’s cheeks now and Steve wanted nothing more than to lean forward and kiss them away, the way he always used to when things became too much for his genius. He’d have given anything to hug the crumbling man.

  
“Tony no-”

  
“Please. Just let me speak. This is my cross to bear, and my pain to deal with. I can’t just fall apart and expect you to piece me back together. America needs you. The world needs you. I can’t take you away from your duties as Captain America.” How could Tony believe that?

  
“Tony please. That’s not true, none of it is. Yes I have duties to our nation, but I also have duties to you. I love you, Tony, with all of my heart. And you deserve to be loved. You are the kindest, most caring man I have ever met and I would do anything for you. Anything. When you are ready, all you have to do is let me in.”

  
“I don’t know how. I feel like everything that happened is consuming me. There is so little of me left, I am a stranger to myself. I look into the mirror every morning and I don’t recognise the man I see. When did I become this pathetic waste of space, Steve? I used to be intelligent. I used to be a goddamn hero, at least some of the time. Now I can’t even bear to have a blanket on top of me without having a panic attack. I’m pathetic, Bucky was right.”

  
“NO!” This time Steve failed to keep the anger out of his voice. He simply couldn’t listen to Tony take about himself like this. How could the man not see that he was perfection personified, that he deserved to be loved, and to be able to love again? Even if it wasn’t with Steve, Tony deserved happiness.

  
“You don’t understand.” Tony croaked, wrapping his arms around himself protectively as if he was trying to physically pull himself together.

  
“No, I don’t. And I won’t pretend to, but I am going to be here for you every single step of the way. What Barnes did to you was unthinkable, and I will never forgive for allowing it to happen under your own roof, but you didn’t deserve it.” Tony began to cry even harder than before, stepping forwards and practically throwing himself into Steve’s arms. Steve was a solid wall of muscle against him, grounding him and supporting him as he shattered. Steve had always been an anchor in his life, a permanent source of comfort, up until recently, and Tony found himself sinking into his grasp. All he wanted was to feel safe, to be protected. Usually a hug from Steve was all Tony needed to calm himself down, but this time it simply wasn’t enough. Despite his scent being unbelievably comforting, like that of a child’s favourite blanket or your best friend’s fabric conditioner, Tony couldn’t regain control of his breathing.

  
He pulled away, wiping his eyes, Steve’s touch suddenly becoming too much.

  
“You will heal, Tony. It will take time, but things will get easier. You just need to let yourself let go. Once you’ve taken the first step, everything else will fall into place.”

  
“I don’t know how.”

  
“Just let us in, Tony. Let us help.”

  
Tony nodded weakly, wiping his tears before excusing himself. “I need some time to think. I’m going to bed.”

  
Steve didn’t bother pointing out that it was only 6pm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support <3
> 
> Also if you haven't checked out my other story, 'They're A Strange Thing, Tally Charts,' I'd love your feedback on it <3


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter, enjoy! And thank you all once again for your support and comments and kudos <3 They are all much appreciated.
> 
> I hope you had a lovely day today :)

Tony let out a low sigh as he forced himself out of his bathtub, the bubbles having long since dissipated and the water erring on the wrong side of lukewarm. And yes, Tony Motherfucking Stark likes bubble baths, what are you going to do about it?

  
Ever since what he now referred to as ‘The Bucky Incident’ – any attempt to downplay what had happened and make it seem less intimidating was good for Tony, he had been unable to truly feel clean. He’d been showering obsessively, at least four or five times a day, a habit which Rhodey hadn’t been able to knock out of him for a second time. Before, back at his private island, Rhodey had tried to stop Tony from acting compulsively, stating that compulsion and addiction was a slippery slope, but even he had given up. Not even Clint’s constant joking that Tony smelt like a thirteen year old girl’s LUSH collection wasn’t enough to put him off. Whenever Tony hadn’t showered for over 6 hours he could begin to feel Bucky’s hands back on him, his skin crawling as he shuddered, scrubbing away the evidence as best as he could.

  
He couldn’t let the team see how filthy he was.

  
When JARVIS eventually spoke out, reminding Tony that he hadn’t eaten in over seventeen hours, Tony realised that like it or not he would have to leave his room soon, and inadvertently meet up with the others. It was sweet, in a way, how the other Avengers always made sure that someone was in one of the communal areas at any one time, so that Tony wouldn’t feel alone or exposed away from his floor, but at the same time he just wanted to be left alone.

  
Pepper had come round briefly, but after putting up with his harsh remarks and misdirected anger for an hour she had left with tears in her eyes. Tony felt like more of a jerk than normal and spent the next few hours searching for a new painting to add to her collection. He hated the man that he had become, withdrawn, anxious, moody and angry, but he just couldn’t help himself from snapping.

  
It was like walking on eggshells, for both Tony and everyone around him. Tony felt that just one wrong move could send him spiralling and although Coulson had informed him that Bucky was still contained, going through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy 24/7 as they spoke, he still felt exposed. And the others were practically walking on a tightrope, one wrong step and they would plummet Tony into an anxiety attack.

  
It was no wonder that everybody was on tenterhooks.

  
“Sir, I have been informed that there is some of Bruce’s leftover curry in the kitchen. Homemade. I do believe that it will make you feel better, sir.” Tony was snapped back out of his daze by his AI’s concerned voice once again reminding him that he was human, and therefore needed food to survive. He didn’t bother pointing out that food was hardly going to make him feel any better, especially since he was literally exhausted, having not slept for over four days. Even his nest on the floor wasn’t appealing anymore, the feeling of his duvet underneath him still making him uneasy. He’d managed to nap on his concrete floor for twenty odd minutes the previous day, but had been woken up by JARVIS announcing Bruce’s imminent arrival – the scientist was still bringing down small pieces of work and tech for Tony to tinker with, supposedly to keep him busy, but Tony knew that the scientist was really just trying to keep an eye on him.

  
“Thanks J, just let me get dressed. The others don’t need to see me in my birthday suit.” Tony didn’t bother to mention that the sight of his body disgusted him right now, and that he wanted to cover up for his own sake. Most of the bruising had come out now, his skin a vast array of angry blacks and purples coinciding with mottled shades of greens and yellows. Not to mention the jagged, angry red keloid scars running across his arm. Bruce had informed him that he should take the bandages off now, to let the wounds breathe and heal naturally, but the sight of his raised flesh sickened Tony. Shame prickled through him every time he looked at what he had done to himself. He still couldn’t believe that he had nearly gone through with it, the guilt consuming him, especially since Pepper had broken down in tears at the mere sight of him earlier. She didn’t deserve to go through that, none of them did.

  
With another sigh Tony pulled on his clothes, opting for a baggy sweater and some oversized tracksuit pants that he usually favoured for his workshop. Having never felt so exposed in his life, despite years battling the media posting his private life and various nudes every step of the way, covering up his body was the only way he could feel vaguely comfortable.

  
That and the fact that every time one of the team saw the scars on his arm, the room descended into silence and they looked away uncomfortably, or even tearfully. Tony hated their pity.

  
Angrily swinging the door open, Tony made his way to his elevator, instructing JARVIS to ‘beam me up’ before making his way to the communal kitchen. He wasn’t hungry and definitely had no appetite for curry, but he’d run out of coffee in his lab, so he would re-stock now and put up with JARVIS’ nagging later.

  
The coffee percolator gurgled as Tony made himself the strongest espresso he could, slumping into one of the bar stools by the kitchen island as he sipped it wearily. He had a few more weapon upgrades to do for Fury at some point and he was working hard on an environmentally friendly yet cost-effective alternative to plastic bottles whilst squirreled away in his lab. Anything to keep his mind occupied was welcome.

  
Completely drained, Tony fell fast asleep with his head resting on his arm before he even got halfway through his coffee. Which in itself should probably be a cardinal sin, as far as Stark was concerned. No cup of coffee should ever be left behind to become cold in the line of duty and all that.

  
He didn’t even stir when Natasha entered the kitchen, the former assassin wondering just how fatigued Tony must have been to let his guard down in a communal area, especially enough to fall asleep. It couldn’t be a good sign, no matter how much part of her wanted to believe that he was becoming more comfortable around the Avengers. Natasha was never one for deluding herself, in fact, she prided herself on her rational thinking, intelligence and ability to push her emotions to the side when making important decisions. Decisions such as that to leave Tony asleep, despite his uncomfortable position, and to keep an eye on him. She knew that he needed the rest, but also that he would flip if he realised he had let himself be vulnerable. At least if he woke with Natasha beside him, Tony would know that he was safe and protected. Perhaps he would even realise that she was there for him no matter what, and that she wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

  
After pouring herself a strong coffee, Natasha sat down delicately in the bar stool opposite Tony’s, answering emails on her phone and sending the occasional concerned glance at her teammate. He’d fallen asleep with his coffee in hand, his leg drooping onto the floor and his right hand protectively covering his cut arm. Although his hair was freshly washed, his goatee trimmed to perfection and his nails cut neatly, Tony hadn’t been able to hide the physical signs that his body was slowly wearing down. His skin was sallow from being cooped up inside for so long, waxy and pale in the harsh strip lighting in the kitchen. It was also clear that he had lost far too much weight, his jawbone overly pronounced and his usually tight fitting sweater hanging off of him, conjuring imagery of a child wearing their father’s t-shirts.

  
Not to mention the fact that he smelt faintly of bleach – had Tony been using bleach to try and make himself feel clean? Natasha made a mental note to talk to Bruce about that, knowing that the scientist would have more of a chance at getting through to Tony than she would.

  
To put it simply, exhaustion was written over his every feature and Natasha was terrified in the knowledge that she didn’t know what to do about it. She couldn’t simply shoot this problem until it went away. Although shooting Bucky still sounded appealing, despite Coulson and Fury’s insistence that they were carrying out an intensive rehabilitation programme.

  
Startled, Natasha looked up from her phone sharply when she hear a strange whimpering noise, wondering for a moment how the hell an animal had got into the kitchen. It took her less than half a second to realise that the pitiful sound had come from Tony, and the words pitiful and Tony should never be used in a sentence together again, if you asked Natasha’s opinion.

  
Tony let out another terrified sound, his left hand twitching and a low moan of fright escaping his lips as his brows furrowed in his sleep. It was clear that he was beginning to have a nightmare, but Natasha knew better than to wake him up – she didn’t want Tony to freak out or to get hit when he accidentally lashed out. Watching Tony flinch in his sleep was heart breaking though, almost too much to bear, and Natasha wanted nothing more than to reach forward and take the struggling man’s hand.

  
It turned out that Natasha had no need to wake Tony up, as he managed to do so perfectly well by himself. He lashed out in his sleep, sending his coffee mug flying to the ground where it smashed upon impact, waking him up with a start.

  
“SHIT!” Tony screeched, arms raised defensively as his breath quickened and he stared around, terrified.

  
“Tony, Tony it’s ok, you were having a nightmare. You’re in the tower, in the kitchen and I’m here. There’s nothing to be afraid of, he isn’t here. It’s just us two!”

  
“J-Jesus, Nat, where the hell did you come from?!” Tony gasped, hand clutching his chest over the arc reactor instinctively.

  
“I’ve been here the whole time Tony, keeping an eye on you. I didn’t want to leave you on your own.” Damn, Natasha was getting soft.

  
“I swear I am going to put a fucking bell on you,” Tony huffed, chest still heaving as he looked at the mess around me. “God, everything I touch breaks!” Tears filled Tony’s eyes and to his mortification he began to cry. In front of Nat, of all people.

  
“I made a mess.” He said mournfully, looking down at the shattered mug in dismay.

  
“I’ll clean it up later, it’s just a mug, Tony. It’s ok.” Natasha tried to reassure him.

  
“I’m sorry.”

  
“Tony, you are more important than a bit of mess. There’s no point crying over spilt milk…or coffee, whatever.”

  
“Sorry.”

  
“Don’t worry about it, please.”

  
They descended into silence.

  
Tony was surprised when Natasha moved over to him, wary of the shattered ceramic, wrapping her arms around him and tucking his head in so that it rested over her breaths, maternal instinct kicking in. “Hush, моя любовь, my love, it’s ok. It’s ok. I know things are dark right now, but we are here. I love you, sweetheart, we’ll get you through this.” Tony crumbled under the weight of her kind words, burying his face deeper into her chest as he shook, a few stray tears leaking out the corners of his eyes as he allowed her to massage his shoulders gently. Soon Tony felt himself melting into her touch, her scent comforting and reminding him of his mother all those years ago, hugging a young Tony as he sobbed when Howard was particularly abusive. Natasha’s caresses were so soft that Tony couldn’t confuse them with Bucky’s forceful thrusts and insistent touches.

  
This went on for over half an hour until Tony eventually pulled away, wiping his eyes and stating that he needed to go back to the lab, but thanking her for her help.

  
She didn’t mention anything about the beautifully bound Russian book series that she found wrapped on her bed a few hours later, but grinned shyly when she realised that Tony must have listened to her saying it was her favourite series when they first met. Not to mention that the books were signed by the author. Tony really did have friends in all kinds of high up places.

* * *

Tony sat next to Bruce in the science lab, nearly nodding off when his science bro began talking to him about complex equations and probability.

  
“Tony. Tony? Are you listening to a word I am saying? Tony?”

  
“Huh?”

  
“I’ll take that as a no then,” Bruce said with a small huff. “Why don’t you just head to bed, it’s not like you can get anything done in this state?”

  
“Maybe because every fucking time I lie down in my bed I feel like I’m going to have a goddamn panic attack! Every time I close my eyes I can feel him on me, I feel like I’m just waiting for him to attack again.” Tony growled, voice rasping as he barely contained his anger. Why couldn’t everyone understand that he wasn’t ok, and he never would be, so they might as well just leave him be and stop trying to fix him like a faulty fucking toaster. He didn’t have a freakin On/Off switch that they could press in order to make him reboot and feel better again. He would never, ever, be back to normal.

  
“Tony, why didn’t you tell us that you were feeling this way? You need counselling, I know you blew off that appointment that I set up for you, but you need help. You can’t keep this all bottled up. We want to help you. I didn’t realise that things were this bad or I would have insisted before.”

  
“I know, that was the point of not telling you.” Tony grumbled, slapping his tablet onto the table and scowling when the screen went dark. There goes another grand’s worth of equipment, he thought sullenly. Good job he was a billionaire.

  
“What do you mean?” Bruce asked, voice gentle as he resisted the urge to roll her eyes – a habit that he had annoyingly picked up from Clint.

  
“I mean that I am fed up of your attitudes. I can’t be talked down into normality by some shrink who knows nothing about me, and I don’t want you to waste your time, or mine, trying to mend what can’t be fixed.” With that Tony stormed out of the room, making his way to the gym for want of something better to do. His lab really didn’t look appealing right then.

  
And of course, the one person Tony really, really didn’t want to see was there.

  
“Hey Cap.” He chimed, voice overly cheerful as he made his way over to a punching bag. It was too late to turn tail and run now.

  
“Oh! Tony, hi!” Steve looked up, hopeful grin crossing his face as he realised that he finally had a chance to talk to Tony. “How are you holding up? Do you fancy a sparring session? I’ve really missed you, you know. I was thinking perhaps we could grab a meal later, takeout or something?” The words flowed out of Steve before he had time to think them through and he immediately knew he had made a mistake when he saw Tony’s brow furrow.

  
“I-sorry. I’ve got plans for tonight.”

  
They both knew that that was a lie.

  
“Ok, sure. I understand. You have a company to run and all that, ha.” Steve laughed nervously, failing to cover up the hurt in his voice. “I’ll just, uh, get back to-” he motioned at the punching bag in front of him and landed a couple of impressive hits, hoping that Tony would stay if nothing else. His presence would be enough to make Steve feel at least a little better, as selfish as that was.

  
Thankfully he did, Tony punching the shit out of one of the bags as far away from Steve as he could get.

  
“So, how did you sleep last night?” Steve mentally cursed himself. Yet another stupid question.

  
“Ok.”

  
“Right. That’s good. I’m glad.”

  
There was a pregnant pause for longer than was strictly comfortable. Tony took a deep swig from his water bottle and set it down next to him before moving onto a treadmill. At least he wasn’t showing any signs of bolting, Steve thought.

  
They exercised in silence for a while, leaving Steve with nothing to do but think. Pain filled his chest as he realised that he and Tony were never silent together, ever. So much had been lost between them. It was like being in a room with a stranger.

  
He knew that he was being selfish, wanting Tony back so desperately, but there was no hand guide to this sort of thing and Steve had no idea how to act. He wanted Tony to know that he still loved him, but if the feeling wasn’t mutual, then he had no right to tell Tony and make him uncomfortable.

  
A dark wave of depression crushed him as he realised that no, Tony would never want him back. It was clear. If Tony was going to forgive Steve, they’d have at least made a bit of progress.

  
They hadn’t.

  
The room was icy and Steve knew it was over.

  
There was nothing left.

  
He excused himself from the gym, grabbing his towel and water bottle before fleeing the room, his throat and eyes burning with unshed tears.

* * *

Clint made his way onto the rooftop, book in hand. Natasha had told him about her encounter with Stark in the kitchen earlier and he needed to grab some fresh air to think things through.

  
He needed to work out how to make things better for the other man, who had always been there for them in the past. Anything that he could do to help Tony, even in the smallest way possible, would be worthwhile.

  
All Clint wanted was for things to go back to normal.

  
His face went white when he realised that he was not alone on the rooftop. Steve’s silhouette was outlined by the sky and cityscape before him, his frame standing upon the raised ridge running around the top of the building.

  
Clint could see the other man’s shoulders shaking with suppressed sobs from where he was standing and his world shrank down into a single moment as he watched Captain America leaning himself forwards, teetering over the edge of the high rise building.

  
“STEVE! NO!” Clint screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnnnnd cliffhanger.
> 
> Please don't throw rocks at me <3
> 
> I will fix it, trust me <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some fluff, you guys are awesome and you deserve it. Although of course, this is me, so you will have to wade through the obligatory angst.
> 
> Also posting a day early - don't get used to it :') Also sorry for not replying to your comments yet - it's been busy and I ended up going out today after work so ran out of time, but I will reply tomorrow <3 Your comments mean the world to me :D
> 
> Love you all <3

Jumping out of his skin at the sound of Clint’s scream, Steve found himself briefly falling before he landed back onto the safety of the tower’s roof, having involuntarily stumbled backwards. It took him a few moments to process what had happened, and even more to wonder how the hell it had happened in the first place. He wasn’t going to jump. He’d had no intention of jumping, yet despite this he hand ended up perched precariously on the top of a sky rise building, looking over the edge and…longing?

  
No.

  
Steve would never have done that. He’d never knowingly end his life, not in the knowledge that Tony would blame himself – Stark had always been one for misplaced guilt and Steve was damned if he was going to let anything else hurt the love of his life right now.

  
“Sorry. Sorry! It’s not what it looks like!” Before Steve could fully explain himself he found himself with two handfuls of quivering archer, Barton having practically flung himself into Steve’s arms.

  
“Not you. Not you too, Cap. We can’t lose anyone else on this team right now. We need you, god we need you right now.”

  
“Shh, it’s ok. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I just needed some time to think.”

  
“What, on the edge of the damn roof?”

  
“You’re hardly one to talk,” Steve smirked, “you’re the one who comes up here and dangles your legs over the edge of the tower when you’re feeling particularly angsty.”

  
“Yeah, whilst sitting down. With my ass firmly on the ground so that I won’t fall off the frikken edge, accidentally or on purpose!” The archer’s eyes were blazing with fury now. “You can’t honestly tell me that you were going to jump, right? You know it would destroy Tony. There’d be no going back from that. Hell, it’s touch and go as to whether he’ll recover from all this as it is. If you go, there’s no getting him back. No recovery. None of us would be able to recover from that.” Clint’s voice faded along with his anger, which was quickly replaced with grief. The archer’s world was falling apart all around him and it was like the very air he breathed was toxic. Nat was an emotional wreck behind closed doors, coming to his room at night when she had nightmares about the CCTV they’d seen of Tony being attacked, Clint himself was waking up drenched in sweat at least every other day, blaming himself for Tony’s kidnapping from the island, Steve was suicidal, at least partially and Tony was a fucking mess. Not to mention Bruce, who had been locking himself in his science lab for extended hours that rivalled Tony’s infamous workshop sessions.

  
“I’m really sorry, Clint. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to frighten you. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I just feel so alone right now. My heart is literally breaking. I love Tony, god, I love him so fucking much and it kills me to know that I can’t just make everything better.” Steve allowed himself to be drawn into a tight hug from Clint, who had managed to wrap Steve’s gym towel across his broad shoulders without Steve even realising.

  
“I know you are. C’mon. Let’s go inside, it’s freaking bitter out here, I’m freezing my nuts off.” Clint wrapped his arm around Steve’s shoulders and guided the shaking soldier inside, not commenting on the steady trickle of tears that were flowing down Steve’s cheeks.

  
They navigated through the corridors slowly, Steve stumbling once and awhile, his vision blurry from crying. Clint knew exactly what would help. A strong coffee. Perhaps with a few shots of whiskey in it, just for good luck. Wait, who was he kidding? He’d just ply Steve with some whiskey until the other man was finally willing to address his emotions and work out a way to get back with Stark. For all of their sakes, the sooner Steve and Tony stopped pining for each other and self-destructing the better.

  
“What the hell?! Steve!”

  
Oh shit. Tony really did have an amazing ability of turning up at the wrong moments, Clint thought dryly.

* * *

Tony gave up with the treadmill just minutes after Steve had left the room, no longer having to put up a front of being fine. The overwhelming urge to shower had once again taken hold of him and he found himself making his way to the communal gym showers on auto-pilot. He stripped down and began to efficiently wipe himself down, trying desperately not to look down at his body. Of course, Tony was a masochist and seemed to like to torture himself, so he found himself examining the tattoos covering his thighs and hip. Once again the urge to remove them from his skin took over and Tony began to scratch at them with his sharp fingernails, relishing in the pain as his already red skin began to become more inflamed. Cleaning the tattoos with bleach really had been a bad idea and his skin was flaking in some areas, chemical burns adding to the ‘freckles,’ but it wasn’t enough to make them disappear.

  
Of course, Tony could afford tattoo removal, but the idea of letting a stranger in between his legs to remove them made Tony shrivel in on himself. Maybe another time, when he was ‘better.’

  
Though he should really stop scratching before the wounds became infected.

  
Once Tony had scrubbed his hair and body obsessively for twenty minutes, he got out of the shower, making his way over to the sinks and lockers where he had a spare set of clothes stashed. Of course, he hadn’t placed any new clothes in the gym since before Bucky’s attack, exercise having lost its appeal during his abuse, so his locker was right by the full length mirror.

  
Oh how Tony missed the days when he was proud of his body. He used to love undressing in front of everyone in the locker rooms, taking pride in the dark, lust filled glares that Steve would shoot him across the room as he took in the sight of Tony’s olive skin, drenched in sweat. Not to mention that he liked to show off in front of Clint, knowing that it drove the younger man mad that they were both in equally good shape, despite Tony’s greater age.

  
Now Tony hated the sight of himself.

  
And yet he still looked.

  
Tony stared into the full length mirror at his naked body, his cock limp and shrivelled – he hadn’t managed to get an erection since the attacks, as if life couldn’t get any worse, and he had lost so much weight that he looked borderline anorexic. His beautiful muscle tone had disappeared, wasted away. He looked ill. Steve would never shoot him those lustful looks again. He was repulsive, marked.

  
The sight of the tattoo on his hip was the tipping point.

  
All of this was bad enough, but the reminder of Steve’s beauty, his beautiful birthmark and his flawless figure, contrasted against Tony’s slightly wrinkled hips made Tony want to vomit. It was yet another reminder that he’d never be good enough for Steve.

  
In a fit of rage Tony lashed out, punching the mirror in front of him and feeling a sick sense of satisfaction when the mirror shards fell to the ground.

  
Before he knew what he was doing, Tony picked up one of the shards and bought it down hard on his hip, crying out in pain as he cut as deep as he could. In one sharp stroke he sliced away the tattoo, going deep enough that he ensured all of the ink had been removed.

  
After a few seconds of numb shock, agony seared through Tony’s body so strong and all-encompassing that he collapsed to the ground on top of the shards of mirror, shaking violently. He began to sob as blood flowed freely down his thigh, forming a small puddle on the floor until Tony eventually had the sense to press his towel to the wound.

  
He hissed in pain.

  
Stupid.

  
Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  
Again.

  
Tony cried, chin resting on his chest as his entire body heaved with broken sobs. But the tattoo was gone, and relief outweighed almost all of the negative emotions. Part of him was crying with joy – this was a minor victory. He had managed to remove some of Bucky’s hold on him. The mark was no more. Bucky had less of a claim on his body now.

  
Tony got to his feet, grabbing some medical tape and a piece of gauze from the nearby first aid box. Not for the first time, Tony was glad that he had placed first aid facilities in every room of the tower. With a building full of super soldiers and twitchy assassins you never know when a spare plaster will be needed.

  
He pressed the gauze to his hip and stuck it down with the tape before pulling on some clothes.

  
“J, organise someone to clean this mess will you?”

  
“Of course, sir.”

  
“Thanks J, what would I do without you?”

  
“Live in a, what you call, shit-heap.” Tony snorted with laughter and made his way out of the gym, deciding to make his way down to the kitchen.

  
He was halfway there when he almost literally bumped into Clint, who had a handful of sobbing super soldier.

  
Well, nobody could ever say that life in the tower was dull.

* * *

“What the hell?! Steve!” Tony gaped at the sight before him, Steve literally losing his shit in the middle of the corridor. The super soldier looked awful, ashen faced and trembling and the sight sent a shockwave through Tony’s system.

  
There was no need to ask what was wrong, Tony already knew. He’d known back at the gym that his abrasiveness was hurting Steve, that his ex had been hurting, perhaps more than Tony himself, in a way, and the realisation hit Tony like an eighteen wheeler truck.

  
Nothing in the world could ever, ever make Tony want to hurt Steve, and that is exactly what he had been doing.

  
“I-sorry. I-” Steve tried to talk but was cut off by another sob. Not the cute kind where you see a sweet fourteen year old girl crying, soon to be comforted by her high school crush, but heart-breaking, snot rolling down your red, blotchy face sobbing. It wasn’t pretty. Hell, none of this had been pretty.

  
“Steve? C’mon, let’s go to my room. Thanks Clint, I’ve got him from here.” Clint shot Tony a grateful look before allowing the smaller man to take the majority of Steve’s weight. The super soldier practically melted into Tony, folding in on himself as he crumpled, crying messily into Tony’s shoulder as he desperately sought permission to hold Tony, to touch him and pull him in close, never to let go again.

  
Tony allowed his touch, relaxing as Steve buried his face into his collarbone, continuing to cry. The angle was awkward, what with the height difference between the two men, but neither commented.

  
Eventually Steve pulled away, looking shocked and flushed, but the ghost of a smile crossing his lips nonetheless. Tony had allowed him to touch him, had embraced him and stroked his back as he had cried. They’d just been intimate and nobody could deny that the interaction had been loving.

  
“It’s ok Steve. I’m here now, I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to realise that I haven’t been the only victim in all this. You are hurting too, and I let my own grief cloud my perception of you. You’ve lost your best friend, I know, but I promise, you haven’t lost me. I’m not making any promises, but I want to make this better. I don’t function without you. Living without you is like trying to complete a puzzle when you are missing a quarter of the pieces. It’s impossible. I need you.”

  
“God, Tony. I need you too. I can’t live without you. I don’t want to live without you. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t keep it together for you, I should be being the strong one right now, not you. I can’t do anything right.” Steve confessed, face downcast as he suddenly felt oh-so small.

  
“You can, Steve. You’re here, and you haven’t given up on me. That’s enough. Now come on, you need to get cleaned up. You stink.” Tony shoved Steve gently, nudging him to the side and wrinkling his nose in distaste at Steve’s sweaty gym towel.

  
“I don’t want to. I just want to talk to you, to be with you. We don’t have to do anything, I just need to be near you right now.”

  
“Well I feel the same way, but I’m not getting near you right now, you’re gross. You’ve just been in the gym and I just washed. C’mon, you need a shower.” Tony joked, trying to hide the flicker of pain that crossed his face as Steve accidentally brushed against his sore hip when raising his arm to sniff his pits. Steve screwed his nose up.

  
“You’re not wrong. Shower first, then cuddles? If that’s ok with you, I mean.”

  
Tony nodded, pulling away from Steve before leading him down to his room. His brain was screaming at him to stop being stupid, that he was making a mistake in trusting Steve, inviting him into his room – what if Steve tried to take advantage of him? But Tony forced those thoughts aside. No matter what Steve had done, and what Tony could accuse him of, the man had never once assaulted Tony or laid a hand on him on purpose – even that punch in the gym had been an accident. Steve wouldn’t hurt him.

  
That knowledge didn’t stop the fear from making Tony’s entire body tremble and he had to collect himself in the elevator and regain his breath, having previously not noticed that he’d been holding it for the majority of their walk down the corridor.

  
“Tone? Are you ok? You look pale? If you have changed your mind just let me know, I understand if you don’t want me in your personal space right now.” Steve looked anxious, ready to retreat at full speed, but Tony reached out and pressed a reassuring hand on Steve’s shoulder. He wasn’t sure if this move was to ground Steve or himself, but it didn’t matter either way as it seemed to make Steve relax a little.

  
“Just relax, ok? You’re freaking out more than I already am right now.” Tony joked, although admittedly it fell flat. He really wasn’t up to forming his usual quips right now.

  
“Sorry. I’m just gonna, y’know.” Steve motioned to the ensuite bathroom attached to Tony’s bedroom, the two men having now made their way through the lab and into Tony’s private quarters.

  
He was halfway to the bathroom when an icy cold shiver made its way up Steve’s spine as he walked over the spot where Tony had tried to kill himself. For a brief moment he could see the pool of blood and before he knew what he was doing he had turned around and flung his arms around the genius, needing to know that he was there, was still breathing beside him.

  
Tony looked startled but kept his cool at being suddenly touched, realising that Steve needed him more than he needed to get away right now. The man wasn’t going to hurt him. It was a hug, just a hug. No pressure. Steve wasn’t forcing him to the floor. They were simply embracing.

  
He melted into the touch, stroking his fingers through Steve’s short hair and smiling softly when Steve pressed sweet kisses to his forehead and on the top of his messy brown curls.

  
It was almost just like before and Tony found himself nuzzling into Steve’s touch, pressing a tender kiss of his own to the sensitive spot on Steve’s neck that he so loved to bite and kiss.

  
“I love you Tony, with all of my heart. I’ll never let anyone hurt you again.”

  
“I know, I love you too. Now go shower before you kill me off with your noxious fumes.” Steve laughed and followed Tony’s instructions, missing the conflicted look on Tony’s face. Despite his desire to make things go back to the way they were, Tony was still struggling with the intimacy. However, they had to start somewhere and Tony was willing to try.

* * *

It took fifteen minutes for Steve to regain composure in the shower and to wash away his nerves, but when he emerged from the shower he felt like a new man, the tension removed from his shoulders. He dried himself quickly and pulled on the baggy t-shirt and loose jeans that Tony had placed outside the door for him, and when he emerged from the bathroom he was pleased to see Tony curled up on the sofa absently playing catch with Dumm-E and a tennis ball.

  
It was damn cute.

  
“Hey.” Steve said, voice soft as he made his way over to the sofa. He was careful not to brush up against Tony, remembering how Bucky had assaulted the genius whilst on the couch in the communal lounge, but he let out a pleased sigh when Tony scooted up next to him. Stark seemed to brace himself for a moment, giving himself a mini-pep talk before allowing himself to rest on the super soldier’s chest. Steve didn’t move for a while, simply enjoying the sensation of Tony pressing his body against him, but after a while of companionable silence in which Tony didn’t seem to be freaking out, Steve wrapped his arm around Tony’s waist.

  
“Is there anything you want to talk about? I mean, about what happened? If you have any questions or anything?” Steve asked, pressing another gentle kiss to Tony’s forehead.

 

Tony thought for a moment before broaching the one question that he needed the answer to, “Steve, I know I shouldn’t ask, but I just have to know. Look me in the eyes and tell me, did you know what he was doing? Did you suspect it, even for a moment? I need to know that you weren’t involved.”

  
Steve felt his world crumble at the slight accusation, the idea that Tony thought he was involved crushed him, but he didn’t allow it to show. He needed to reassure Tony, not go into defensive mode, and his ex had every right to ask that question. No doubt it had been playing on his mind the whole time, and it wasn’t exactly like Steve had given Tony any reasons to believe he wasn’t a partner in all this.

  
“I never knew, Tony, I swear on everything I hold dear, I didn’t know. It wasn’t until I saw you after-” Steve couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence, the image of Tony lying motionless and battered on the floor making his heart clench violently. “I promise Tony, I’d never have let him hurt you if I’d have known. I should have listened to you before. I wish with all of my heart that I had just listened. It shouldn’t have taken you an attempt at taking your own life to make me realise that things were not right. I was pig-headed and stubborn, but I promise I was never involved. You’ve got to believe me, Tone, I’d never do that to you.”

  
“I believe you.” Tony blinked in surprise as the words left his mouth, but he instantly knew that he meant them. Deep down Tony had always known that Steve wouldn’t have let Bucky do that to him.

  
Now he was sure.

  
He closed his eyes and breathed in Steve’s scent, allowing himself to be comforted.

  
They descended into silence, Steve stroking Tony’s side softly and Tony focussing on relaxing.

  
“Are we ok?” Steve whispered twenty minutes later, loathe to break the comfortable silence but needing to know what Tony was thinking. Communication was what had led them into this mess, or a lack thereof, and Steve was damned if he was going to let them fall back into not trusting each other.

  
“Yeah, I think we’re ok. Or at least we’re getting there.” Tony snuggled further into Steve’s strong arms, ignoring the voice in the back of his head desperately screaming at him to _‘get away, move, quickly, before he hurts you. You need to move before he forces himself on you, you know it’s only a matter of time!’_

  
He wondered how long it would be before those arms made him feel safe and protected again, rather than slightly on edge.

  
“So what are we doing right now?” Steve asked, his eyes wide with fears as he forced himself to address his worries. “For what it’s worth, I take back what I said about breaking up. You are the love of my life, Tone. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I love you with all of my heart and it would mean the world to me if we could try again. Please?”

  
“Yeah. I’d like that. I don’t think – I’ll have to take it slow, y’know. I’m doing my best not to freak out right now, and I can’t say that it’s going to be easy, because it’s not. Every single one of my instincts is telling me to run the fuck away right now. Part of me just wants to tear myself away from you and hide, but the other part wants to stay. You’re going to have to be patient with me.” Tony admitted, his skin still tingling everywhere Steve was touching him.

  
“Of course. I’ll give you all the time you need. We can take this slow. I’d, I’d like to start over again. Maybe we could go out on a couple of dates like before? Work at putting things back together.”

  
“I’d like that. As long as we don’t repeat that awful date at the art gallery. Jesus, I nearly died of boredom.” Tony chuckled when Steve lightly poked him in the side.

  
“That art was beautiful, Tony. I remember seeing some of those paintings back in the forties! Besides, I seem to recall that you ended up enjoying that visit quite a lot.”

  
“Yeah, but I think I enjoyed it because of the rather spectacular blowjob you gave me outside in the sculpture gardens by the trees, rather than due to my appreciation of the sculptures themselves.”

  
Steve snorted with laughter remembering the horrified Japanese tourists who had walked in on them, catching a glimpse of Steve with his mouth full of Tony’s cock, deepthroating the genius for all he was worth. The press had had a field day with that story. Thank god there hadn’t been CCTV.

  
“You’re an uncultured heathen.” Steve smirked. “Some of those sculptures were masterpieces.”

  
“God, you’re beginning to sound like Pepper!” Tony screwed up his face in mock horror before standing. “I’m going to go shower, you can stay if you want?”

  
“Yeah, I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.” Steve beamed as Tony left the room, finally feeling like things were really beginning to slot back into place.

  
They both fell asleep on the sofa in the early hours of the morning, having talked for hours on end about their feelings and less important things. Things that couples are meant to talk about – work, their friends, gossiping about the neighbours (e.g. how they were both convinced that Nat and Clint were secretly fucking – with Nat totally being the dom) and it was almost like old times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think <3 Your comments get me through the day and you all mean the world to me - I promise I will reply to your last comments tomorrow, I am going to have some free time at work to read them again :D
> 
> And don't worry, Bucky will be returning...at some point ;)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the fact that this is going to be a long author's note, but I really hope that you all read this.
> 
> I work just twenty minutes away from where the London terror attack was yesterday, and it has made me realise so much about life. Especially after the Manchester attack. I know people are killed daily all over the world, but this was so close to home and I just had to say something.
> 
> You are all amazing, lovely people, and I just wanted to spread the word. Please, please, please for fuck sake just love each other. Love everybody around you. Be kind. Treat people how you want to be treated, because this world is screwed up and full of so much hate. But we can all make a difference with just a few kindnesses. 
> 
> We all need to take it one step at a time to make the world a better place. It starts with you. It starts with all of us.
> 
> Just one act of kindness can make a difference. You never know what is going to happen. The fat kid in your class might be suicidal, the too-skinny one battling an eating disorder. The class bully may be being abused at home. They might not know how else to express their feelings other than to lash out at others. The overachiever may be self harming and depressed. So be kind to everybody. EVERYBODY deserves to be loved.
> 
> None of the victims of these attacks suspected that that day would be their last, so it is important to treat each day like it could be your last and to do something worthwhile with it. Make new friends and love each other.
> 
> I don't care if it is to the weird kid in your class, the black person you see in the street, the gangly ginger kid, the muslim, the christian, the atheist, the gay guy, the bi girl, the trans man or woman, the non-binary person, someone who supports a different sport team to you, or even to someone you have never spoken to before, the person with different views to you. Just be kind to them. Put differences behind you, because now more than ever we need to love each other.
> 
> Everybody has the capacity to be a loving person. Everybody. So please, for the sake of the world, don't let this hatred win. Love will conquer all if we let it.
> 
> Be kind.
> 
> I love you all and hope you enjoy this chapter. It's quite a long one because I wanted to distract myself from things for a while. Warnings for sexy times (check new tags) and also for the usual <3

Steve woke up with a smile already spreading across his face, eyes closed as he spent a while taking in serenity of the moment, and revelling in the familiar weight of Tony lying across his chest. They were both curled up on the sofa still, Tony having snuggled even closer to the super soldier in his sleep. Warmth flooded through Steve and he tenderly reached across Tony to run his hands through Tony’s chocolate brown hair…wait…that was way too much warmth.

Peeling his eyes open, Steve gasped in horror as he caught sight of his lover. Tony’s skin was flushed and now that Steve had woken up a bit, blinking heavily, he came to his senses and realised that his chest was damp with the sweat pooling off of his genius. His skin, which had been white and sallow the day before, was flushed red and Tony’s breathing was shallower than it should have been, even with the arc reactor.

Shit.

What the hell was going on? Yes, Tony hadn’t been in a good emotional state the night before, but he hadn’t been sick. Then again, knowing Tony, it was always possible that he had been hiding an illness. But still, Steve would have noticed. Taking a moment to assess the situation, Steve found himself wondering whether it was the bullet wound in Tony’s shoulder that had become infected, or perhaps one of the cuts on his arm.

If that was the case, he needed Bruce. He was not cut out for this sort of thing – Captain America, for all his strengths, does not have an overly strong stomach. Especially when it comes to those he cares about being injured. Civilians he could cope with, or enemies, but not his loved ones. When they were hurt, he hurt.

Steve grabbed his Stark phone - the only piece of modern technology that he had fully submitted to using - and dialled Bruce as fast as his trembling hands would allow. He was hyper aware of Tony's fevered cries and whimpers, the noises a harsh reminder of the broken sounds Tony had made when they'd found him bound on that table. How had they not woken him up earlier?

"Steve? What's wrong? It's six am!" Bruce’s voice was deep and rough from sleep, the scientist clearly having just been woken up by Steve's call. Steve felt bad waking the physicist, knowing that he hadn’t been sleeping overly well recently due to his guilt over Tony being hurt, but needs must.

"It's Tony, somethings wrong. He's burning up, Bruce. Please, I need help, I don't know what to do." Steve tried and failed to keep the panic out of his voice, simultaneously holding the phone to his ear using his shoulder whilst stroking Tony's sweat-damp hair and trying to check his pulse.

"I'm on my way down. I need you to get me some cool wet cloths in the meantime, I'll be with you in less than five." Bruce’s voice was calm but it was clear that he was close to the edge. After everything that had happened recently, this was the last thing that any of the Avengers needed.

"It's ok Tony, I'm here. I'm just going to get a cloth." Steve tried his best to reassure his boyfriend that he was safe, but Tony didn't seem lucid enough to realise he was being spoken to, let alone to understand what was being said.

Confused and worried beyond belief, Steve went to Tony's bathroom and soaked all of the washcloths he could find in cool water, returning to find Bruce leaning over Tony and checking his temperature with the back of his hand. Bruce was dressed in an Iron Man novelty t-shirt, striped socks and a pair of boxers – Steve would have laughed at his dishevelled appearance under different circumstances.

Despite Bruce’s insistence that he isn't 'that kind of doctor,' even he knew that things were not looking great, considering Tony's already weakened state.

"What's wrong with him? He was fine last night, I don't understand? Will he be ok? Bruce we need to make this ok, we were making so much progress. He-I," Steve floundered for words and he looked ready to freak the fuck out.

"Steve I need you to calm down, now. You're no use to me or Tony if you are flapping around like a headless chicken!" Well, that sure shut Steve up. "I think he is suffering from an infection, or sepsis or something, we need to cool him down. Help me get these clothes off of him, and put one of those cloths over his forehead." Steve nodded, regaining control of himself as he pressed the wet cloths to Tony's forehead, making the genius whimper and moan.

Tony shrank back from the cloth, whining when the seemingly icy cold water splashed across his face. He wasn't lucid enough to realise what was happening and a combination of Bruce stripping him and Steve covering him in cloths was enough to send him spiralling into a panic attack. All of a sudden Tony was back in that room with Bucky pressing that damned blanket over him, sweat pouring down his body as he was stripped and molested.

"Mnnnnnnnn." Tony whimpered in protest, trying weakly to wriggle away from Bucky's prying hands, but every movement was taxing and it took most of his brain power to just keep breathing. "D'nt." He tried again, desperately trying to make Bucky see sense, that he didn't want this. That he couldn't go through this again. There was no way that he could survive this. “Stop, please.”

"Tony, Tony it's alright. It's just me and Steve, we aren't going to hurt you but we need to get your clothes off and try to cool you down. You have a fever." Bruce did his best to reassure Tony but the genius was too far gone, thrashing and moaning into the back of the sofa, having rolled onto his front and curled up in a defensive stance to protect his stomach, chest and genitals.

Bruce knew that Tony was still badly bruised from Bucky's rapes, the nurses having spoken to him about Tony's care plan and the various ointments they had given him to try and numb the area. But still, the sight of Tony cowering was truly heart breaking. "Please Tony, you need to calm down. You're going to hurt yourself." Bruce pleaded, removing Tony's trousers reluctantly and allowing a solitary tear to ease down his cheek as he knowingly sent Tony into a flashback. He knew damn well that stripping Tony was not going to do his mental health any favours, and would possibly trigger him into a panic attack, but right now looking after his physical health was more important.

Tony’s breathing was ragged and the next time he tried to raise his head to find out what was going on, and more importantly to try and get away, he was barely able to lift his head. Exhaustion was crushing him and the pain from his arms, chest, genitals and shoulder was drowned out by the throbbing, pulsating of his hip. The pain was red hot and burning, a sharp contrast to the icy cold spreading across the rest of his body. He was so cold, shaking and shivering due to the fever and his exposed flesh, but the burning pain conjured up images of brands, red hot pokers and hellfire. God, what if Bucky was branding him? What if the tattoos hadn’t been punishment enough?!

“Nnnnnn!” Tony whimpered weakly, trying to shift and gasping in a mix of confused fright and pain when he felt himself being rolled onto his back. He was vaguely aware of voices trying to talk to him, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying, a combination of panic and fever slowing his brain down.

“Steve, you need to stop him from moving, I need to check his wounds over. Maybe his tattoo is infected, or his cuts?”

“I can’t, how am I meant to pin him down after everything that happened? He’ll flip.” Steve anxiously looked down at Tony, whose eyes were wide and swimming with tears.

“Just do it, it’s for his own good.” Steve did as he was told, blocking out the betrayed cry from Tony as he was held down.

Bruce began by removing the dressing from Tony’s shoulder, but there was no visible redness around the bullet hole and the stitching all looked fine. Not that then. He moved onto the cuts on Tony’s arms and then once he had scoured every inch of Tony’s visible body, he knew what he had to do.

“He isn’t going to like this, Steve, but I need you to hold his waist.”

Steve complied once again, barely flinching when Tony screamed in protest at being held down, or when the genius punched him as hard as he could in the ribs as Bruce pulled his boxers down slightly.

“Damn it!” Bruce cursed under his breath, finally noting the large cut on Tony’s hip. It looked as though the other man had hacked away the tattoo that Bucky had done, by the looks of it with a blade or some glass. Maybe mirror? Either way, it was clear that whatever he had done it with, it hadn’t been clean. The wound was deep, covering a few inches of skin in each direction.

The cut, although worrying in itself, was not the part that shocked Bruce and Steve. (They just wished that Tony had talked to them about the mental repercussions of the tattoo, rather than taking matters into his own hands. There were so many other options, laser removal, therapy, counselling – yet Tony had seen no other option than harming himself.) His recent self-harming tendencies sent ripples of unease through both men. Bruce of all people knew that self-harm is a slippery slope. He had been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the scars to prove it. Back during the first few months of dealing with the Other Guy, things had been hard to deal with. He’d struggled to cope in a rational, non-self-destructive way. The idea that Tony was going through the same amount of psychiatric hardship, enough to take a knife to himself, again, was heart-breaking.

It didn’t take a medical professional to realise that on top of all this, the wound was infected and no doubt the cause of Tony’s fever. The area around the skin was red and puffy, warm to the touch and there were clots of puss around the edges.

“I’m going to have to clean this, it’s going to hurt but I have no choice.” Bruce told Steve sadly, leaving the room to retrieve the appropriate supplies.

Meanwhile Steve gently carded his hands through Tony’s hair, letting out a groan of relief when Tony finally looked him in the eye and seemed to realise who he was. “St’ve? Steve? What’s? Why am I?” Panic overcame Tony as he realised he was practically naked. Had Steve been about to-?

“NO! GET AWAY! G’WAY!” Tony dug deep and found a resource of energy that he didn’t know he possessed deep within him, forcing himself upright and punching Steve in the throat in a desperate attempt to disable him for just a moment. Just long enough for him to get away.

“Sir, Mister Stark!” JARVIS cried out in alarm, the AI watching what was going on in horror. Or at least in an approximation of horror. “Captain America will not hurt you, he was merely trying to protect you from further harm!” Tony looked around owlishly, realising that although his hip hurt, there was no new pain assaulting him. Yes he’d been held down, but not hard enough to bruise. Just enough to keep him from moving. Maybe Steve had been trying to help? But that still didn’t make up for the fact that Steve had restrained him, knowing damned well that Tony would be terrified.

“Tony? Please, he’s telling the truth. I didn’t mean to-”

“I don’t want to hear it!” Tony growled, head spinning and words slurring as a wave of nausea crushed over him, sending him careening towards the wall, which he slumped against. “Stay away from me!”

“Tony, I-”

“GET OUT!” Tony all but screamed, shoulders slumping in relief when Steve raised his hands in a universal sign of surrender as he retreated out of Tony’s room.

* * *

 

 

 

Bruce returned a minute later to find Steve sat with his head in his hands outside Tony’s lab, looking practically shell-shocked.

“What happened?”

“He kicked me out. Screamed at me for holding him down. I-I need some air. Are you ok to sort him out? Tony doesn’t need me right now, I’m just making things worse.”

“Sure, of course. I’ll find you later, ok?”

Steve nodded and scurried away, looking far smaller than a man of his stature had any right to appear.

Bruce sighed and set to work treating Tony, reassuring him that Steve hadn’t been hurting him, and insisting that he took the full course of antibiotics that he had been prescribed.

By the time he left Tony was fast asleep and hated himself even more than he had before – Steve hadn’t deserved to be treated and thrown out like that. However the fever was dulling his senses and as soon as Bruce had redressed his wound, he had fallen asleep.

* * *

 

Tony closed his eyes on the sofa that night, his fever finally having broken after a full day of rest, napping and drinking obsessive amounts of water. He was tired and aching, desperate to sleep as bone deep exhaustion rendered him paralysed, or as good as, but his brain wouldn’t allow him the luxury of sleep. No. Instead his mind was racing at a mile a minute, replaying the image Steve’s hurt face again and again as he tried to doze back off again. Of course his body rarely did what he wanted and sleep eluded him.

After a couple of hours he was vaguely aware of someone entering his room – judging by the tread, Steve. It was gone midnight.

“Tony? I uh, I know you’re awake. I thought you might want some food? I’ll just, uh, I’ll leave it on the table for you.”

Tony peeled his eyes open, blinking against the bright light in his room and catching sight of Steve, who was setting down a tray.

“Is that grilled cheese and soup?” Tony asked, his heart breaking somewhat. Grilled cheese was his absolute favourite, especially when he was feeling down or when he was sick. Jarvis had always made it for him when he was younger after Howard had yelled or hit him (or worse), as Steve had found out one time when he walked in on Tony sobbing in the communal kitchen one time, exhausted, sick with the flu and sobbing because his toast was burnt and ‘it wasn’t the same.’ From then on Steve had taken on the role of Official Grilled Cheese Maker, and the mere fact that he remembered and was thoughtful enough to do this for Tony after he had been so much of an ass made Tony’s heart flutter.

“Yeah. I thought you might be hungry. Y’know, if you don’t want it I can just-”

“No, I want it. Thank you, that means a lot. I’m really sorry about earlier, it wasn’t your fault. I overreacted.”

“No you didn’t. Tony, I think you have PTSD, if you don’t mind me saying. I have seen hundreds of strong men plagued by flashbacks, and I don’t think this makes you weak, it changes nothing. I still see you exactly the same way, but I think you need help.”

Tony nodded sadly and stared at his soup.

“Do you mind if I just grab a shower before I eat. I feel gross.”

“Of course not, I’ll just get going. Sleep well tonight.”

“NO!” Tony shouted. “I mean, uh, you could stay. Again. If you want, I won’t kick you out this time, I promise. What I mean to say is that I’d really appreciate it if you stayed. I don’t want to shower without anyone to have my back.” Tony admitted quietly, relieved when Steve agreed to stay (of course).

An hour later both men were curled up on opposite sides of the sofa, drifting off in companionable silence.

By the next morning Steve had his arms wrapped around his sleeping boyfriend, having moved up to spoon him in his sleep. When Tony woke and discovered this, he had no complaints.

* * *

 

After Tony had healed, well, in terms of his physical wounds and illness, things began to get easier. He was still showering obsessively, at least three times a day, but he listened to Bruce’s advice and moisturised afterwards to avoid his skin from becoming irritated and dry. There was no bleach in sight in his bathroom.

Despite the odds, he kept an eye on his wounds and tried not to overwork himself. Rationality and self-help had never been his thing, but he was trying.

Steve had made him install an alarm service into JARVIS which would go off every four hours that Tony worked consecutively without a break, reminding the genius to get up and stretch, or to get some water.

He applied various oils to his scars religiously and even ate at least two square meals a day most days – they may not have always been healthy, mainly consisting of burgers and pizza, but at least they were something other than coffee. Tony was no longer gaining most of his calorie intake from artificial sweeteners, creamer and expressos.

Of course he still had panic attacks almost daily and he was plagued with nightmares, Steve often waking to find him screaming and trembling, or the other Avengers finding him cowering and crying in various communal areas, but he was healing.

Slowly, but surely.

Things with Steve were getting better as well. He had learnt to control his emotions, and not to be hurt whenever Tony pushed him away, knowing that the genius would let him back in as soon as he was back in control.

However, Bruce did still find the agitated super soldier pacing or organising things obsessively from time to time after a particularly bad fight, often remarking “if you rearrange that bookshelf one more time I am going to let the Hulk loose on you,” or “if you are going to insist on constantly moving, go use a treadmill. You’re making me tired just looking at you.”

In the end, no matter how badly they fought, or how badly Tony freaked out when Steve accidentally triggered him, they ended up working it out in the end.

* * *

 

Tony’s first major milestone was when he willingly went to his first therapy session, much to Bruce’s delight. The scientist had even treated him to a homemade curry that night as a well done gift, despite Tony having left the session half way through.

His second, when he proceeded to finally sit through an entire therapy session (his seventeenth) without storming out and locking himself away in his lab for hours at a time.

Then came the first night he was able to sleep in his bed again, with Steve beside him. After that first breakthrough night he could get to sleep and even sleep for four hours at a time as long as Steve didn’t touch him whilst he was on the bed (he didn’t mind the occasional display of affection elsewhere, but touching in bed was a strict no-go zone).

The fourth landmark came in the form of Tony and Steve going out on their first formal date together since all of this mess. Steve took Tony to a tiny hotel in the middle of the Amazon rainforest, well, more of a B&B but hey. They spent their time there enjoying the tranquillity offered by the forest and the shelter (both literal and emotional) that was provided by the dense undergrowth. Steve spent his time drawing the beautiful flowers and wildlife, producing a beautiful watercolour of some tree frogs whilst Tony became obsessed by the larger than life butterflies that were native to the area. Neither man wanted to leave at the end of the week, reluctant to abandon their private paradise and the peace they’d found there, but Tony consoled himself by creating a flying bot for his lab with wings reminiscent of the butterflies in the forest. He named it ‘Butterwings,’ and coincidentally the new bot got on swimmingly with Dumm-E.

Tony’s fifth landmark was initiating sexual contact, six months after his last rape.

* * *

 

“Steve?” Tony whispered from his side of the bed, head resting on his pillow (there was still no blanket or duvet in sight, not that Steve minded).

“Yeah, w’s w’ng Tone?” Steve mumbled into this pillow, stretching on his front and arching his back a little so that his bones cracked satisfyingly back into place.

“I want to try and have sex. I know that you must be missing it, I just want to try.”

“Tony, honey, you don’t owe me anything. I don’t mind if I never have sex again, as long as I have you, that is enough. You don’t have to have sex with me to keep me, or to make me happy.” Steve rolled onto his side so that he was facing his lover, taking in the sight of Tony’s wide, chocolate-brown eyes and gently leaning forward to kiss him on the cheek.

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to try. Or-oh. I get it. It’s fine. Don’t worry.” Tony’s eyes filled with tears and he looked away to hide them.

“Tony? What do you get? I don’t think we are on the same page. Wait, you think that I am saying no because I don’t find you attractive anymore, is that it?” Steve sounded simultaneously hurt and saddened by this revelation. He didn’t know what more he could do to show Tony that he was loved, no matter what had happened.

Tony nodded, tears spilling unbidden down his cheeks.

“Oh Tony, you are the most beautiful man I have ever laid my eyes upon. You know that none of this bothers me!” Steve gently reached out and kissed each scar on Tony’s arm tenderly, followed by the ones on his shoulder, hip and sides.

“You are intelligent, loyal, loving and sexy. You drive me mad and I’d do anything for you. Of course I have sexual desires, but they don’t come at the expense of your happiness. Please don’t put words into my mouth Tone, you don’t always know what I’m thinking. I love you more than anything else in the world, I want you more than anything, all of you. Everything that you are willing to give, and of course I want to have sex with you. I want to love you and please you and make you feel good, but at the same time I would never expect you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. I would never pressure you to do something that you don’t want to do.” Steve kissed Tony on the cheek again, cupping his side with one large hand and cupping Tony’s face with the other. “You are beautiful, perfect and the love of my life. I would do anything for you. I don’t expect anything in return. All I desire is for you to love me too.” Steve punctuated this with a swift kiss on the lips, which deepened until Tony pulled away to speak.

“You know I love you, Steve, god do I love you. I just-I hate that he has taken this away from me. I just want things to go back to normal.” Tony looked embarrassed, bashful in the knowledge that both he and Steve knew that he hasn’t been able to achieve an erection since Bucky had forced him to come that last time.

“Ok. I understand. We can try. Do you want to be on top or?”

“Bottom. I-I don’t. Y’know I can’t really get it up, so it’s not like I can take you. So, yeah. Just, y’know, be gentle.” Tony blushed, shame prickling his skin, but he was gently reassured by Steve. His internal wounds were healed, but despite his history of amazing sexual encounters, all he could think about was the pain of Bucky forcing him.

“May I touch you?” Steve wasn’t sure how to act. He and Tony still never touched in bed. This would be another first.

“Yes. Please.”

Steve started by gently easing off Tony’s boxers and moving so that he was in between Tony’s legs, being very careful not to make any sudden movements or noises. “Just tell me if you want me to stop, ok? As soon as you feel even a tiny bit uncomfortable, let me know. Even if you just want to pause for a moment. I won’t mind and I promise you I will stop. I’ll never do anything you don’t want me to do.” Steve reassured Tony gently before trailing a string of kisses up his thighs.

Tony spread his legs and tried to relax into the touches, quickly realising that closing his eyes was a bad idea when an image of Bucky between his legs came to the forefront of his mind. Right. He had to look at Steve the whole time so that his brain wouldn’t’ play tricks on him. Which was hardly a bad thing considering how gorgeous Steve looked, his eyes deep blue and sparkling and his bed hair driving Tony crazy. Usually he’d be as solid as a rock by now.

Steve didn’t seem deterred by Tony’s soft state though, gently nuzzling at Tony’s groin before taking Tony into his mouth and sucking gently. He knew all of the techniques that usually drove Tony crazy, but although he managed to elicit a few strangled moans and gasps from his genius, Tony didn’t harden.

Tony rolled his hips in frustration, desperate for more friction, for anything, but his traitorous cock wouldn’t listen. God, he had cum when Bucky had raped him, yet he couldn’t even get it up when the love of his life was sucking him off.

Tears began to spill down Tony’s cheeks and Steve stopped immediately, letting go of Tony’s balls, which he had been fondling softly and rolling between his fingers.

“Please, please don’t stop. I want this.” Tony cried, trying to pull Steve back to his groin.

“Tony, you aren’t enjoy-”

“Don’t tell me what I am and what I am not enjoying.” Tony snapped, his face flushing with a mix of humiliation and anger. “Please, I need this.”

Steve carried on gently, eventually giving up when he knew that he wasn’t getting anywhere. His jaw was aching and he had used his entire inventory of tricks that usually got Tony off, but the older man wasn’t responding to any of it. “Tony, it’s ok. You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

“I’M NOT FUCKING BROKEN, STEVE. Please, just fuck me. I need you to fuck me. I want you to. I need you to wipe him away. I can still feel him, I need to feel you instead.”

Steve looked uncertain but he didn’t want to upset Tony further, or go against his will. Tony deserved to have his sexual wishes upheld, Steve wasn’t going to disrespect him sexually like Bucky had done. Grabbing the lube they kept stored in the bedside table (Steve was restrained but not a saint, he still masturbated when Tony wasn’t around so as not to upset him), Steve gently teased Tony’s entrance with a slicked-up finger.

Tony begged for more, but as soon as Steve inched his finger into Tony, up to the first joint, all hell broke loose. Stark let out a startled yelp – the intrusion hadn’t been at all painful, Steve was slick with lube and oh-so gentle, but all Tony could feel was Bucky.

“I can’t do it. I can’t. God. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Just go. Please, just leave. Leave me, I’m not worth it. You don’t deserve a broken, useless piece of crap like me.” With that he scrambled off of the bed with a yelp, sprinting into the showers before Steve could so much as comfort him.

The sound of the shower turning on, full blast, soon echoed around the bedroom and Steve was left to cry softly, wondering whether he had technically just assaulted Tony. Or hurt him. But Tony had wanted it, begged him for it. Still, that didn’t stop Steve from feeling like a monster. At the end of the day, either way, Tony was hurting.

He sobbed into his pillow for over an hour, barely coherent enough to notice Tony coming back into the room, skin red from washing in too-hot water, but otherwise fairly coherent.

“I’m sorry Steve. I shouldn’t have made you do that. I’m so sorry. That was unfair of me.” Tony gently began to massage Steve’s shoulders, kissing the back of his neck before encouraging Steve onto his side and tucking himself into his strong arms. It was the first time that Tony had allowed for full-body cuddling in bed and Steve latched onto his desperately, burying his face in Tony’s neck.

“I’m so sorry Tony, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Steve grabbed the moisturiser Tony used from the bedside table and gently rubbed it into Tony’s red skin, soothing him and peppering his skin with kisses.

“No, Steve, you didn’t hurt me. It felt good, I promise. I’m just bro-” Tony cut himself off before Steve had a go at him again for calling himself broken or damaged. “I just wasn’t ready. I need more time.” Tony kissed Steve reassuringly, taking hold of his hand to ground himself.

“I love you, Tony. We have all the time in the world, because I am never leaving your side again until the day I die.”

“Right back at ya. Tony snuggled into Steve and allowed himself to drift off, surrounded and protected by the love of his life, knowing that things could only go up from here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take care of yourselves and know that you are all loved <3


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE MADE SIGNIFICANT CHANGES TO THIS CHAPTER ACCORDING TO FEEDBACK, PLEASE RE-READ IF YOU WISH :) Basically Bucky won't be living at the tower, but Fury will insist that Steve spends time with him for his recovery, as Fury does have a hold on Steve, as his director.
> 
> TO SKIP TO THE CHANGES GO STRAIGHT TO WHERE ***** IS WRITTEN. 
> 
> Hi guys :D Posting because sleep is failing me XD
> 
> Sorry this took a while again, the plot bunnies deserted me, but I'm back :) 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your comments and feedback, I love you all and will respond to your comments from the other chapter tomorrow <3 I wasn't even going to post today but sleep is apparently eluding me. Work is going to be fun tomorrow morning!
> 
> Sorry if there are any mistakes, I haven't had the chance to do a full read-through, I'll have an editing sesh tomorrow at work :D

Five months had passed by in a whirlwind of panic attacks, date nights, fights, the occasional Doombot related call out and more than occasional take outs. Although Tony had started cooking for the rest of the team at least once a week, usually on a Friday, as recommended by his therapist. She’d encouraged him to get a new hobby, to find something to occupy his time on the days when he was having particular difficulties with panic attacks and nightmares. Of course, this often led to him pottering around the open plan kitchen at three or four in the morning baking brownies, but the rest of the Avengers were hardly going to complain. As it turned out, Tony was surprisingly good at cooking – then again, cooking was a science, so it was hardly surprising.

At least it was going far better than he had been at knitting (another hobby that he had trialled). That had not ended at all well, with Tony launching his knitting needles at Bruce, who had been teaching him, after he dropped his stitches for what felt like the thousandth time in two hours.

Bruce had sworn by knitting as a relaxation technique, and stated that it often calmed him down when he could feel a Hulk-out coming on, or when one of the team informed him that he was looking distinctly green (usually when Clint was provoking him or being a generally prick), but it wasn’t working for Tony. If anything it had given him more anger issues to deal with (Bruce could also vouch for this as he’d later toppled over a tripwire that Tony had set up in his lab using the remainder of his ball of yarn.

On top of regular cooking sessions, Steve had been trying to persuade Tony out of the tower. It wasn’t an easy task as the genius preferred to spend most of his time locked away in his lab, with JARVIS on lockdown unless he instructed otherwise, but Steve had insisted that this wasn’t healthy and that Tony needed to get some sunlight at least once a week.

In reality it was more like once a fortnight, but hey, progress.

* * *

The previous night had not been the greatest, with Steve and Tony having had yet another fight. Secretly Steve was glad to be back in such a domestic situation – bickering with your partner over the little things (last night about where to eat – Steve had insisted on them going out, Tony on staying in – he’d had two panic attacks that day without Steve knowing and the last thing he wanted was to go out. However, rather than explaining that to his boyfriend, he’d just been stubborn and proud – the old Tony was beginning to make a comeback).

This had resulted in Tony screaming at Steve that he wasn’t respecting Tony’s wishes, and Steve yelling that Tony was being selfish and self-destructive again. As usual the end result was Steve killing off some of his pent up aggression in the gym and Tony attacking various pieces of metal with a blowtorch (in the name of trialling a new, even more powerful repulsor for his suit).

Of course less than an hour later Steve had returned with a huge latte which he’d swirled an elaborate heart into (Nat was beginning to regret showing the super soldier an Instagram post about latte art) and Tony had welded a small heart out of some metal which had been previously destined to be turned into some new arrow heads for Clint), He’d cut the metal into tiny pieces and the final heart must have had over a hundred pieces welded into it, despite it only being three quarters of an inch wide. It was stunningly intricate and possibly the most beautiful thing that Tony had ever created.

Steve may or may not have cried a little when Tony passed him the heart by means of a silent apology, and Tony had grinned at his latte, reluctant to drink it and ruin the pattern – although his desire for coffee had won out and he’d downed it, of course.

However, it was nice to argue about trivial things like dinner. It sure made a change from Tony lashing out at Steve when he was having an extremely bad day. Sometimes panic attacks could leave him reeling for hours, exhausting him and making him snappy at Steve’s expense. Captain America was no saint either, he occasionally snapped back, despite knowing that none of this was Tony’s fault, but they’d always work it out, some fights taking longer than others to get over.

Clint regularly pointed out that they were practically an old married couple, and that they’d be getting a teacup dog together next.

Steve had looked rather hopeful at that, but Tony stated that looking after the bots was more than enough hassle.

* * *

Tony bobbed his head as he brewed himself a fresh batch of coffee, humming Metallica under his breath and tapping a spoon against the counter as he waited. He had a quiet day planned, which was good considering the fact that he’d only managed to get three hours sleep the previous night (Steve had been called out for a meeting and sleeping without him was now next to impossible, leaving Tony feeling exposed and vulnerable). He’d managed to busy himself all night so he could pretend that he was just busy with work, what with Pepper having him back under the grindstone in an attempt to keep his mind off of things, but when Steve had come back and laid with him for a few hours he had been out like a light.

Yet another nightmare had shocked him awake, but Tony hadn’t had the heart to wake his boyfriend up. Instead he had busied himself with some paperwork, alas, even the best of the best have to pen push now and again, before giving up, which is how he now found himself in the communal kitchen.

After making a batch of pancakes large enough to satisfy a tower full of superheroes for the morning, Tony heard footsteps approaching behind him, loud and echoing slightly down the corridor, for which he was grateful. Everybody, including Nat who was naturally light-footed, made an effort to move around less stealthily than usual – Tony did not react well to being snuck up on.

“Morning handsome,” Steve said, a smile on his lips as he leant in and wrapped his arms around Tony’s waist, resting his chin on the top of Tony’s head affectionately. “Something smells good.”

“Me or the pancakes?”

“Definitely you.” Steve punctuated this with a laugh and another tender kiss, spinning Tony around and pulling him in tight to his chest for a hug. Tony sank into the embrace, sighing softly as he felt the residing panic from his nightmare leave him. “So why are you up so early, Tone? I panicked when I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“Sorry, was just another nightmare, y’know. Nothing new.” Tony mumbled, kissing Steve back when the soldier nuzzled at his cheek gently. After placing a few more tender kisses on Tony’s forehead, Steve began to massage his shoulders, working out the knots of tension from them before working on the top of his spine. It was immensely satisfying to see Tony visibly relax due to his ministrations and after half an hour Tony was practically purring, falling asleep stood up as he leant most of his weight on Steve.

“C’mon sleepyhead, let’s get you back to bed for a little bit.”

“Kinky.”

“Hey, I can’t help it if I’m a hopeless romantic.” Steve chuckled, guiding Tony back to their floor after grabbing a couple of the pancakes he’d made to keep himself going until sunrise.

“Hmmm, you got half of that right.” Tony snarked, his head lolling as he allowed Steve to lay him back down on the bed, where they both spooned until Tony eventually fell back asleep, this time unaffected by nightmares, what with Steve’s arms being protectively wrapped around him.

Four hours later Clint and Bruce found the couple curled up in the kitchen again, Tony feeding Steve forkfuls of pancake from his own plate. He still didn’t have much of an appetite, despite Steve desperately telling Tony that he needed to keep his strength up, but it was progress.

“Morning guys. Since when did our kitchen become the set of a rom-com? You could have warned me that I was about to walk into the beginning scene of some softcore porn, seriously. Can’t an archer eat his breakfast in peace anymore?”

“Evidently not.” Bruce smirked, grabbing six pancakes and drowning them in blueberry sauce before nodding his appreciation at Tony.

“You’re just jealous, I thought you of all people would be into chick flicks?” Tony smirked, settling himself on Steve’s lap before feeding him some more pancake.

Clint groaned, as if in physical pain when he saw Tony lean forward and kiss a smear of chocolate sauce off of the corner of Steve’s mouth.

“Someone hand me some bleach, I swear I need to burn my eyes out.” Clint muttered, turning his attention back to his pancakes unaware of what he had just said. Bruce glanced at Tony worriedly, hoping that Clint hadn’t triggered him by mentioning cleaning himself with bleach, but thankfully the other man was too engrossed in making out with Steve in between sips of coffee.

They were pretty much an old married couple, Bruce snickered to himself.

* * *

Tony wiled away the day working in his new and improved lab, grateful to Steve for the improved desk space that he currently had his tools sprawled over. He was working on a new design for his suits, more power, less weight and the like, although he looked up every now and again when Steve came in bearing coffee and snacks.

However, when the equations he was working on didn’t add up for the tenth time in a row, he ended up launching the tablet he was typing on across the room. Yes, he was still working on some anger issues, but hey, who could blame him?

“Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?” Tony spun round to see Steve entering his lab, a large coffee in each hand and an amused smirk spreading across his lips. There was something therapeutic seeing Tony like this, back to his normal self and working himself too far. It was far better than the despondent Tony who had been broken and listless, with no will to do anything. Not that Steve could blame Tony for reacting to things the way he did. But he was still glad that the old Tony was back.

“Do you fancy watching a movie, it looks like you could do with a break.”

“Sounds good.” Tony rolled back on his chair and stood to wrap his arms around Steve. Together they made their way over to the sofa and began watching Fast and Furious, although to be honest both men were more interested in each other than the film.

* * *

Tony groaned when his phone rang halfway through the movie, swearing when the screen lit up with Fury’s name and a contact photo of a pirate, parrot, eyepatch and all.

Steve looked at the screen and snorted with laughter before urging Tony to answer the call. “Aren’t you going to get that? Fury’s going to be pissed if you ignore him, you know what he’s like!”

“Don’t want to, I’m too comfy to move. Besides, he probably wants me to do my paperwork, and there is no way I am subjecting myself to that!” Tony buried his face into Steve’s chest and sighed in relief when the phone stopped ringing. “Thank the lord for small mercies.” He mumbled.

The phone began to ring again.

“Oh for God sake. Give me strength.” Tony fumbled for his phone and accepted the call, anything to stop the incessant ringing. Which coincidentally was set to the Jaws theme tune for Fury’s calls.

"Hi there, I am afraid that Tony Stark is not currently available as he has better things to do than bow to your every whim. Yes Fury, I’m talking to you. Leave a message. Or, preferably, don’t.” Tony put on his best auto-recorded message voice and smirked at Steve, although his face fell when he heart Fury’s tone.

“Stark, I know you’re there. I need you to come to the conference room in the Quinjet, Happy is ready to give you a lift there. Bring Steve too.” Fury hung up.

That did not sound good.

“What did he want?” Steve asked, worry creasing his brow when he saw how pale Tony looked.

“I don’t know. He’s calling us to a meeting though, which doesn’t sound good.” Pulling himself off of the sofa, Tony turned back to face Steve with wide eyes. “You don’t think something has happened, do you? That he’s escaped somehow, or got out? I mean, surely he’d be calling in the whole team if that was the case, and we’d be on high alert, but what-”

“Calm down, Tone. He won’t have escaped. He’s under maximum security. And besides, we’d all know about it already if he had. You’re ok, calm down. Remember those breathing exercises we went through with Bruce. He probably just wants to give you a bollocking for not filling out those end of mission reviews, and he’ll have asked me to come along for backup. To be fair, he has sent you about seventy reminders to do them.” Steve stood too, stroking a hand through Tony’s hair and planting a kiss on his forehead tenderly. “C’mon, let’s go to this stupid meeting. The sooner we get it over with, the sooner we can go get dinner. Do you fancy Italian?”

Tony nodded and wandered out of the comfort of his room, a strange feeling of impending danger sweeping across him and growing stronger with each step.

* * *

*****

“Ah, Captain, Stark. It’s good to see you both. Please take a seat.” Fury opened the door for both Avengers, indicating to the two nearest chairs set around a large conference desk before perching on the desk himself, ‘manspreading’ his legs across it to assert his dominance. Tony’s hackles immediately rose. He and Fury had never had a particularly good relationship, what with their disagreements over paperwork, protocol and Tony being forced to follow rules and guidelines (not to mention the innumerable orders for him to pen push and put ticks in boxes), but until now they had kept things friendly and civil, at least to each other’s faces.

However, right now it was clear that Fury meant business.

“There’s no simple way of saying this, so I’m just going to lay everything down right now. The thing is that Barnes’ conversion therapy has ended, and SHIELD are pleased to announce that the treatment has been fully effective. Barnes is back to his old self, and we have managed to reverse all of HYDRA’s previous training. He is no longer a threat. I know that this is going to be hard on you, but he is a changed man.” Fury handed over some documents to Steve, who took them in shaky hands.

"He had previously retained some of his former training by HYDRA, his emotional capacity had been restored by us, but he instinctively was still programmed to cause the Avengers maximum harm."

What the hell was going on?

“The thing is, that now Barnes has recovered, he's being moved into the Shield barracks to rest and recuperate. He’s been through innumerable traumas and it is my belief that he stands the best chance of a full emotional and mental recovery in a safe place with friends. Steve, I know things have changed between the two of you, but I believe that with some work, Barnes will be a valuable asset to your team. I hope that uou can see that none of this was Barnes' fault. He was equally as hurt by this as Tony, he was forced to rape him and has been incredibly damaged by the experience. In a way he was raped too, he never consented.” Fury concluded his little speech with a flourish of more paperwork, which he pressed into Tony’s hands.

Tony dropped them as though they were made of boiling lava.

“What?” Steve was the first to speak, his voice cracking with incredulity. Did Fury really just say what he thought he’d said, because seriously?!

“It’s for the best. He is a changed man. Of all the people who should support second chances, I’d have thought that you’d understand. He was brainwashed, Captain. Surely you want him back now that he has recovered? This is a chance for him to make amends, for you all to find peace. I am going to start up regular meetings between the two of you. You understand how he feels, waking up in a foreign world and being changed without your full consent. He needs help, Steve.” Steve just stared at him in shock, glancing at Tony, whose face had turned an ashen grey. The older man looked ready to pass out, or vomit, or cry, or scream. Or, to be honest, a combination of all of the above.

“Peace? How can you talk about peace in reference to the man who RAPED my boyfriend! This man is a monster. He isn’t Bucky!”

“Steve, that’s what I’m telling you. This is Bucky.”

Steve and Fury fought tooth and nail for over ten minutes before Tony finally found his voice.

“No.”

Both of the other men looked up in surprise, almost as though they had forgotten Tony was there in the first place.

“I won’t let you do this Fury. By all means let him out. Keep him in your SHIELD HQ or whatever, give him a place in the barracks. I don’t care. But you are not letting him anywhere near me or Steve, or so help me, I will end you and your entire fucking organisation.” Tony got to his feet and slammed his fist against the table to make his point, although his body betrayed him by shaking violently, his breaths coming too thick and too fast to be classed as anything other than hyperventilation.

“I’m sorry Tony, but you have to see this from my point of view. Barnes is valuable. He has unparalleled Intel on HYDRA. He’s useful, and with Steve I truly believe that this could be the breakthrough that we need.” Fury reached out to pat Tony consolingly on the shoulder, but the genius pulled back with a hiss of rage.

“Don’t you fucking dare. You don’t get to touch me. And you sure as hell can’t make me and Steve clear up your mess. He’s your super soldier, deal with him yourself. There will be no meetings. He's dangerous. I won't have any part in this!”

“I’m afraid that’s not an option. This is for the best Stark, I suggest that you have a session with your therapist to talk over this, but the discussion is over. I know that this is hard for you, but soon you will see that it is for the best. He is too valuable to let go.”

“I’ve had enough of people telling me what to fucking do! You can’t seriously expect me to be ok with this. This can’t happen! After everything he did to me!” Tony was pacing the room frantically now, his entire body quivering with suppressed rage and fear. “You can’t do this.”

“Tony you have to understand that the man we are speaking about is not the man who attacked you. The Winter Soldier did that to you. We never truly had him back. Emotionally maybe, but not mentally. But this is James Buchanan Barnes we are talking about here. He is a victim of all this too, he was tortured, used as a weapon. Essentially he was raped too, he had no desire to have sex with you. This was an attack on both of you. Barnes was sexually assaulted just as you were. Be reasonable.”

“BE REASONABLE! You are asking me to let the man, the guy who looks like the man, at least, into my life again. You can’t! I can’t! What if something happens? What if he hurts me again? I’ll never get a moment’s peace, how can you expect me to be OK with this? I have PTSD for Christ’s sake. Please!” Tony looked wild now, dragging his hands over his face in despair as tears began to slide down his face. “How can you even compare what he did to me being raped? Do you have any idea how much he affected me, how much he hurt me? Do you have any idea how agonising it is to be ripped apart from the inside! To be torn open until you are bleeding, to be tattooed and have everything stripped away from you?! To be forced to cum all over yourself as you are assaulted!” Tony was hysterical now, tears streaming down his face as he started pleadingly between Fury and Steve.

“I’m sorry Stark, but this is the end of the conversation. Just give him a chance, please.” To his credit, Fury had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

Tony found himself sinking to the ground, silent sobs wracking his body as he shook and buried his face in his arms. He’d vowed that he’d never let himself be intimidated by that man again, he’d never let Bucky have any power over him. Yet here he was, vulnerable, exposed and unable to protect himself and Steve from Bucky's influence. Steve would have to go to these meetings, he had no real choice.

“You can’t do this!” Steve, who had been shocked into silence for the past five minutes finally spoke up, his body vibrating with anger as he strode over to Fury, fists clenched.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Captain.” Fury snarled, voice cold as he set down the pile of paperwork he was holding. “Stand down. That’s an order. Go take Stark back home. In time you will realise that things will not be as bad as they currently appear.”

Steve looked down at his boyfriend’s broken form and nodded angrily, standing down for Tony’s sake rather than to please Fury. He’d deal with him later.

“I don’t know how you can sleep at night.” He spat before gently wrapping his arms around Tony and helping the shorter man to his feet. Tony could barely take any of his own weight and stumbled. He would have hit the floor if it wasn’t for Steve supporting him and holding him upright. “I’ve got you Tone, it’s ok, I’ll never let him hurt you. I promise. I’ll fix this. You’re going to be fine, I’ve got you this time. I’m here. You’re fine, you’re safe. I promise, trust me!” Steve kissed Tony’s forehead and glared at Fury one last time before leading the smaller man out.

Every time Tony stumbled he slowed down, reassuring him before carrying on and helping Tony lower himself to the ground once they were out in the corridor and a few meters away from the conference room.

Tony crumbled.

* * *

As soon as Tony had made it part way down the corridor he collapsed to the ground, the sound of an agonised animal torturing his brain with its anguished cries. He just wanted the noise to stop, for the pain in his head to go away and it took him over five minutes of rocking and curling in on himself to realise that he was the one making the godawful noises. He’d been screaming the whole time.

He was vaguely aware of Steve above him, talking to him and desperately trying to calm him down, but it wasn’t working. Tony had begun to scratch compulsively at his scarred arm, clawing at his skin in a desperate attempt to distract himself from the agonising thoughts rushing around his head. He needed to ground himself.

After a few more moments of indecision Steve finally decided to act, scooping Tony up into his arms and pressing the older man to his chest. He needed to get Tony out of here. For now they’d have to head back to the tower – Tony had long since sold ‘that’ private island after everything that had happened there and they needed to talk to the rest of the Avengers. There was no way that they'd let Bucky hurt Tony again. 

Tony whimpered when the world spun around him and he found himself being hefted into the air into what could only be described as a bridal-style lift. Usually he would have protested about being treated like a damsel in distress, or a child’s ragdoll, being handled lick a sack of potatoes, but the air was too thick, choking him and Tony couldn’t have spoken even if he’d wanted to.

As soon as Steve got the smaller man off of the Quinjet Tony struggled free, pulling himself out of Steve’s grip so that he could lean against the metal stairs of the jet and vomit all over the floor, his head pounding as he coughed and spluttered.

Tony was being sick like his life depended on it, like there was no tomorrow. Which, to be fair, there may not be since – oh god. Bucky was going to kill him. And no doubt hurt Steve in the process. Tony couldn’t let that happen.

Tears cascaded down his cheeks as Tony groaned and clasped and his stomach and chest, struggling to breathe and frantically latching onto Steve when the super soldier tentatively offered him a hug. Even wrapped in Steve’s muscled arms, Tony no longer felt safe.

“Relax, Tony. It’s ok, I’ve got you.” Steve murmured, carding his fingers through Tony’s hair as the genius fell against his chest, entire body hitching with sobs as he broke down.

“I can’t. He can’t. They-he can’t make us. I can’t. Not again. Please don’t make me do this again. I can’t.” Tony’s cries broke Steve’s heart and he felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. He couldn’t believe that Barnes was still able to hurt Tony so, that he was given the opportunity to gain a hold over his boyfriend once again. It was inhumane and Steve was going to make Fury wish he was never born, as soon as he got Tony to bed to rest. The genius looked exhausted all of a sudden, his skin a sickly pallor and his chest heaving with the effort it was taking him to simply inhale and exhale.

“Breathe Tony, you need to breathe.” He whispered into Tony’s ear, kissing his boyfriend again and again in an attempt to ground him.

Tony let out a breath that he didn’t even know he was holding and looked into Steve’s beautiful blue eyes, which were red-rimmed and brimmed with tears.

“I am breathing,” Tony stammered, voice shaking as he tried to regain control of himself. “Have to breathe to live, would be dead if I wasn’t breathing.” He nuzzled further into Steve’s neck and inhaled his scent, trying to tell himself that things would be ok. Steve was here for him this time, he wasn’t alone. Bucky wouldn’t be able to hurt him, not if he had to get through Steve first.

“Yeah, yeah, not all of us can be geniuses you know!” Steve tried and failed to keep his tone light as the tears he was desperately trying to hold back spilled down his cheeks. So much for staying strong for Tony, he thought to himself angrily.

“I’m sorry I fell apart like that.” Tony’s voice was little more than a frail whisper.

“Hey, don’t apologise. Nobody’s judging. I’ve got your back this time, I promise. I’ll never let him hurt you. And if what they are saying is really true, maybe we don’t have to worry? I mean, what if Fury’s right?” Steve finally voiced the thoughts that were going on in the back of his mind. He’d pushed them aside before, not allowed himself even the smallest inkling of hope, but maybe, just maybe, things could change for the better. For all of them. If Fury was right, perhaps he could have the old Bucky back. Of course it would never be the same and Steve would never, ever let Bucky in emotionally, let alone anywhere near Tony, but perhaps they could remain civil? Come to an understanding?

“How can you even say that? He-I-” Tony cut himself off with a choked sob as panic descended again, this time all consuming. He falls to the ground with a thud, pain shooting through his body as he made impact with the cool concrete beneath him. Not that he cared. The pain was nothing in comparison to the emotional turmoil he was going through. Every one of his nerves was screaming at him to get up and run, to flee and escape this mess, but his body wouldn’t listen and his legs wouldn’t support him. He couldn’t’ even stand up.

Reality faded in and out align with Tony’s consciousness and although he was vaguely aware of strong hands cupping his face and thumbs massaging his cheeks and wiping his tears away, Tony couldn’t place who was with him. Nothing felt real and Tony willingly sank into the darkness that engulfed him when his brain finally shut down in self-defence.

Steve watched in horror as his boyfriend passed out from hyperventilating so violently, knowing that he had said the wrong thing.

How had he been so stupid?

Just as things were almost back to normal he had gone and put his foot in it.  
He vowed to make things up to Tony, and to never even consider re-connecting with Bucky again. He wasn’t worth it, even if he was back to normal.

Steve had made his choice, and he’d picked Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :D
> 
> Sorry if Nick is O/C but I never really liked him. He always came off as a bit of an asshole to me so that's why I made him break the news quite so coldly. From SHIELD's point of view they are doing the right thing. They can use Bucky...but at what cost?!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :D Shout out to my friend AppleCiderr who is a great inspiration to me and has some awesome stories going on at the moment :) She's having a hard couple of days so send some of your love over to her <3
> 
> A bit of a fill to move things along, but I hope that you enjoy it nonetheless :)

“So then I just shot the fucker right in the ass, poor bloke didn’t even know what he’d gotten himself in to. Didn’t even know what hit him, I swear to you, I nearly died laughing. You don’t even want to know where the arrowhead went, I’m telling you! I mean, I did warn him, but he didn’t want to listen, so…!” Clint moved his hands animatedly as he and Natasha fell into a fit off giggles, the former assassins making their way down the corridor to the ground floor of the tower. They were planning on taking one of Tony’s ridiculously overpriced supercars out for a spin in an attempt to grab some fresh air – maybe head to a bar for a while, completely oblivious of the meeting between Rogers, Fury and Tony himself.

  
Or at least they were completely oblivious until they almost walked straight into their Captain, who hand his hands full of Tony, who he was carrying bridal style. It looked like the smaller man was unconscious, his skin was ashen grey and judging by the grim expression on the super soldier’s face, all was not well.

  
Clint and Natasha’s laughter was cut off immediately.

  
“Jesus, what the hell happened?” Clint stared at Tony in dismay. He hadn’t seen his friend in such a bad state since he first came back to the tower after Bucky, and that was months ago.

  
“I thought you were in the lab? Is Stark ok? Was there an attack, why didn’t’ the alarms go off?” Natasha rushed over to Tony, eyes scouring his body for immediate signs of injury. There were no wounds to be seen though, which made the situation even more confusing.

  
“Fucking Fury.” Clint blinked at the profanity coming out of Steve’s All-American-Overly-Polite mouth. Fury really must have done something bad to piss Steve off so much that he resolved to profanity.

  
“What did he do? Give you more paperwork?” Ah yes, there it was, Clint’s classic use of humour to deflect difficult situations. His coping mechanisms weren’t exactly subtle.

  
“He wants me to visit Barnes for regular meetings.” Steve’s voice sounded hollow as he shifted Tony into a more comfortable position against his chest. The genius didn’t stir.

  
“WHAT?” It was Natasha’s turn to lose her shit now, her face contorting with rage, reminding Steve once again why all of the other Avengers were terrified of her. Pissing off Nat never bode well for any party involved.

  
Tony stirred in Steve’s arms but remained out of it, lulled back inside the sanctity of his own mind by Steve gently rocking him back and forth. “Apparently Barnes is an asset to the team. Well, that was probably a bad choice of wording. Basically he wants us to use him. Apparently Barnes is as much of a victim in all of this as Tony is. He has unparalleled knowledge and Intel on HYDRA, and Fury wants to use that for our gain. They think that I will be useful to help rehabilitate him. A friendly face.” Steve looked like he wanted to punch something. Or someone. Namely Fury. To put it mildly, his face didn’t look overly ‘friendly.’ This was somewhat unlike their director, to be so dismissive of the team's’ feelings, but when it came to protecting the people of America he had clearly put all emotions to the side. It was for the greater good, apparently. A phrase that Fury had thrown into their ‘discussion’ a fair few times before Tony and Steve had left.

Natasha nodded slowly. It made sense, but at the same time it was unfair to place so much strain on the already damaged relationship between Steve and Tony, not to mention on the pair’s mental well being, individually. She still often found Tony in fugue-like states in various communal areas of the tower, eyes blank as he stared at the scenes unfurling in his mind’s eye. There was something disconcerting about seeing the usually sharp-eyed genius looking unfocused and gormless, such was the contrast between these actions and his usual confident stance.

  
“But surely he can’t just make you do that? I mean, he raped Tony for fuck sake!” Clint also looked ready to punch someone – this was becoming a recurring theme and at this rate Fury would have to hide away in his office for a fair while to avoid grievous bodily harm! Or at least the wrath of a whole team of Avengers.

  
“Maybe it’s a good thing. I mean, you’ve always wanted Bucky back. This could be your chance to make things right. He’s probably just as scared and uncertain about this as you are.” Natasha, ever the diplomat, tried to diffuse the situation. She didn’t necessarily agree with what Nick was doing, but she could see the logic and reasoning behind it. Although that didn’t excuse the fact that Tony’s panic attacks and various other issues would no doubt redouble their efforts of crippling him. Tony was no stranger to crippling anxiety, often so bad at the moment that he wouldn’t leave his lab for days, but he was getting better. That hadn’t happened in over a month. The last thing any of them wanted was for Fury to trigger him again.

  
Nat ran her hands through her hair when she saw Steve’s face crumple.

  
“Even if this is my Bucky, I don’t think I could ever get over what happened. I know that he is probably hurting, and god that hurts me, there was a time where I would have laid down my life to protect him, but right now I have to focus on Tony. I still have nightmares about those CCTV files, about the rape we saw. Every time I’ll look into Barnes’ face, all I will see is the expression that was on his face as he fucked my boyfriend. The look of betrayal when I attacked him back, rejected him.” Steve buried his face in Tony’s hair for another moment, breathing in his comfortingly familiar scent to ground himself. “It destroys me to think of how much Bucky must be hurting, god, I loved the guy as a brother. I know that he will be broken by what ‘he’ did, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to forgive him.”

  
“Why not just see how the first meeting goes, after that you can make final decisions on the matter, but surely it’s worth a try?”

  
“You’re right. Of course you are, you’re always right.” Steve smiled gratefully at the redhead, grateful for her unwavering support. No matter what, he knew that Nat would be there for him. She was loyal to a fault. “I’d better get Tony back, he’ll come round soon and I want him to be in the safety of his own room when he wakes up. I’ll try and persuade him out for dinner tonight, I think he could do with us being around for him, physically I mean. I don’t want him to feel alone in all this.”

  
“Of course, seya later man. If you need anything just shout.” Clint clapped Steve on the shoulder before making his way over to the gym with Nat – neither of them particularly fancied a drink anymore. The punching bags in the gym had a particularly bad evening.

* * *

Tony woke and found himself wrapped in Steve’s arms. Instinctively he found himself curling into Steve’s warm touch, his body tense as he felt Steve wrap his arms even tighter around him, shifting him up a little so that Tony’s head was tucked under his chin.

  
“Hey Tone, you back with me?”

  
“What happened? I don’t remember-oh.” Tony flushed when he realised that he had passed out again. He’d never been one to faint in the past, he’d always viewed fainting as a weakness, but his therapist had informed him that it was simply one of his bodies various coping mechanisms. When he was placed under too much stress, bang, down he went. It was embarrassing and yet anything thing for Tony to deal with, but this was probably the worst case yet. Usually he was only unconscious for a matter of seconds. By the looks of it, this time he’d been out for a good hour. Surely that wasn’t normal. “Sorry, Ste. God, I don’t know why you put up with me. This is just embarrassing.”

  
“Don’t be daft, I love you, Tony. I don’t care if you swoon five times a day, as long as you get to wake up in my arms.” Steve kissed him gently, planting his hands on each of Tony’s cheeks before deepening the kiss, groaning into it and getting lost in the small noises of pleasure Tony was making. God he loved those breathy whimpers. When Tony eventually pulled away Steve pecked him on the nose lightly before giving Tony some room. “You are such a sap, Steve Rogers.”

  
“Only for you.” Steve whispered, carding his hands through Tony’s hair. “I promise, Tony, I won’t do anything that you don’t want me to do. I don’t care if Fury throws me into the cells for a while, I won’t do anything that is going to make you uncomfortable, or compromise how you feel.”

  
“I know. I’m being stupid. If what Fury says is true, then I am being unbelievably selfish. The poor guy is probably in pieces. He was raped, Steve. Controlled. We both know how messed up Clint was after the Loki thing, and we were there for him after that. Bucky deserves that too. You don’t need my permission, but you can go and see him. As long as you come right back to me.”

  
“I promise, Tony. You know none of what he said was real. I never had feelings for him, not in that way. That was HYDRA talking. You are the only man for me, Tone. And you are not being selfish. You owe him nothing. Fury or Barnes. Yes he was a victim in all this too, but that doesn’t lessen the fact that it was his body. It’s his face that haunts our dreams, his hands that held you down. Nothing changes that. I just want you to feel safe.”

  
“Steve, I don’t think that I will ever feel truly safe again, but I mean what I said. Go and see him. This could be a great opportunity for us as a team, and you. I want you to be happy, Steve. You’ve done so much for me recently, been there for me at my worst. God knows most people would have run a mile rather than dealing with all of my issues. You should do this for yourself, you deserve a chance of getting your best friend back, I can see that now.”

  
“Tony, you are my best friend. I have you. That is all I need to be happy. I’ll go to one meeting, but that’s all I’ll promise Nick. I swear to you, I love you more than anything, I will never let that man come between us again. No matter what, you are my number one priority.” Steve kissed Tony again before grabbing his phone and going off to schedule a meeting with Fury over the phone, informing him that if anything happened to Tony as a result of all this, he would personally skin Fury alive.

  
Tony overheard this and truly believed that Steve meant his threat. He was deadly serious and judging by the set of his jaw when he returned to Tony, Steve probably wouldn’t stop at threats if anything were to actually happen.

  
Dinner that night consisted of the Avengers huddling round the communal dining table, awkward small talk filling the uncomfortable silences as the team tried their best to assure Tony that they would protect him. It was followed by them all dragging mattresses and blankets into the lounge and the Avengers snuggling in their makeshift nest, none of them wanting to be alone. Tony eventually drifted off part way through their Shrek marathon, with Nat and Steve spooning him from one side each, Bruce curled up by his feet and Clint spooning Nat, with his arm thrown over her side and trailing onto Tony’s stomach in a comforting embrace.

  
None of them commented on how Tony refused a blanket, knowing that their own body heat was enough to keep him warm and comfortable for the rest of the night.

* * *

Everyone startled awake when an ear-splitting scream echoed through the lounge. They’d all fallen asleep entwined around each other, which was how Tony managed to gain the upper hand on two sleepy assassins and a super soldier before they even had a chance to calm him down.

  
Nat fell back into Clint’s outstretched arms when Tony flailed, backhanding her across the cheek as he struggled against an imaginary foe. Or not so imaginary, but there’s no need to be pedantic.

  
“Tony! Tony! Calm down, Tone, it’s just us!” Steve managed to get hold of Tony’s wrists, pinning him in his strong grip in an attempt to stop Tony from hurting himself and everyone else around him. “Tony’ it’s safe. He’s not here, you’re ok.”

  
It took a while for Tony to come out of his panic attack, trembling violently as he finally stopped clawing at Steve’s chest. He was horrified to see that he had drawn blood from his lover, who was covered in angry red welts and blood from where Tony’s nails had gouged parts of his skin off.

  
He backed away, stumbling over a discarded blanket before fleeing from the room as fast as he possibly good, a whirlwind of tears, chaos and emotion which left the Avengers to pick up the pieces behind him.

  
“Are you ok?” Steve asked Nat, his voice rough and his brow furrowed with worry. He looked tired, drawn and to be honest, almost as broken as Tony.

  
“I’m fine, go after Tony. I’ve had far worse.” Natasha wrapped her arms around Steve briefly, offering him a rare burst of affection as he allowed himself to be comforted. If at all possible, despite Steve’s wide frame, he looked smaller than Nat at that point in time.

* * *

JARVIS spent the rest of the night and most of the early morning refusing Steve’s pleas to let him into Tony’s lab and bedroom and eventually Steve left his lover alone, pulling on some of Clint’s clothes before walking out of the tower. The trousers were incredibly tight and the t-shirt even more revealing than even Steve deigned appropriate, but he’d also borrowed one of Bruce’s oversized hoodies, which swamped him and gave him the appearance of a young child in his dad’s clothing. Steve looked vulnerable.

  
After a brief internal pep talk, Steve got into the car that was ready and waiting for him. Happy was behind the wheel, face steely as he drove Steve towards the man who had broken both men’s best friend.

* * *

Steve stepped in to the meeting room after opening the door with trembling hands. Fury and Barnes were already sat behind a conference table waiting for him, the former looking a strange mixture of apologetic and determined, while the latter looked terrified.

  
It was a strange sight, seeing the man who had wreaked so much havoc upon his life looking so frightened. He was poised like a sprinter, hunched over slightly with his right leg bouncing up and down as if Barnes wanted nothing more than to run away at any given moment. He probably was, to be fair, and Steve couldn’t’ blame him. He was doing nothing to hide his resentment and anger and knew that he probably looked like two-hundred pounds of sheer muscle dependent on fighting for his lover. Which, again, he was.

  
“Rogers, thank you for making it down. I know that this can’t have been easy for you.” Fury indicated for Steve to sit down in the seat opposite them, an order that he followed with a scowl plastered across his face. Yes, he had turned up, but he had no intention of making this easy on Bucky or Fury.

  
“First thing’s first, Bucky has something he would like to say before we go any further.” Fury cleared his throat and raised his eyebrow at Barnes, making his eye-patch rise and fall comically. Except that there was nothing humorous about the situation they were in, at all.

  
“Um. Right, I-” Bucky looked terrified, his eyes fixated on a loose thread dangling from the sleeve of his sweater. He’d already managed to unravel a good few rows of the fabric, creating three or four coin-sized holes in it. “I-I don’t know what to say. I had it all planned out in my head and now-” Bucky glanced around the room quickly, as if searching for a sign or a get-out, any means of escape. “I, I’m really sorry for what I, for what they made-I.” Bucky blanched and before he could get anything else out, he burst into tears.

  
Steve’s heart clenched at the sight and it took all of his resolve to remind himself that Bucky wasn’t the one who was hurting the most after all of this.

  
Fury placed a comforting hand on the nape of Bucky’s neck, rubbing the area soothingly as Bucky desperately tried to regain composure. “I-I can’t. Every time I sleep, every time I close my eye, I see myself-my body, I see-” Bucky’s breath hitched again. “I see what happened to T-” Bucky couldn’t bring himself to say the name and he looked imploringly at Fury again, who just nodded his encouragement instead of granting him permission to leave, which is clearly what he wanted.

  
“What-what I want to say is that I know you p-probably, no, definitely hate me right now. And I don’t b-blame you for not wa-wanting to be here. But I want to say how sorry I am for everything that happened. I hope that one day you can begin to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I truly did not want to do anything that I did.” Bucky shuddered and watched as one of his tears splashed against the conference table, forming a beautiful pattern of tiny salt water droplets.

  
“I know. Barnes. I know that this has been hard on you, but I can’t promise everything. I can’t compromise my relationship with Tony, he is my world. I hope that you get better, but everything has to go by him first, any future meetings, anything and everything. It’s all his choice. He’s in charge, not me, not you and certainly not Fury.”

  
“Barnes?” Bucky finally looked Steve in the eye, his face gaunt and his eyes puffy as he cried messily. His nose was streaming and he had long since given up on wiping his face. He looked like a sobbing, oversized child. “You’ve never called me that before.” It was as if it finally clicked into place, just how much Bucky had lost due to Hydra and he sprung to his feet, pushing Fury over with a single swipe of his metal arm as the director tried to hold him back. Steve braced himself, getting ready for a fight, assuming that Bucky was going to attack him, but instead the other soldier ran out of the room, gasping for breath noisily as his chest heaved with tears.

  
Steve and Fury exchanged baffled looks before Steve sighed and briefly buried his head in his hands. “This is so fucked up.” He whispered before walking out after Bucky, searching for the other man without truly knowing if he wanted to find him or not.

  
The slumped, quivering form hauled up in a supply closet was not what Steve expected to find when searching for the super soldier who had torn his and Tony’s world apart, but that is what he found when he opened the cupboard door, having heard a strange whimpering sound from within.

  
Bucky looked up with tear filled eyes and barely noticed Steve’s face wavering in front of him. Realistically Bucky knew that he had no right to be falling apart right now, not after what he had done to Stark, but he couldn’t stop himself from losing control. He’d spent years being emotionless, and now that the dam was broken, there was no way that he could repair it. His mind began to race again, images of Tony crying and begging before him racing around his mind, which seemed to be running in circles without getting anywhere. He felt trapped, like a hamster in a wheel constantly running and never getting anywhere. Never escaping.

  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Bucky was rocking frantically now, clawing at his hair in the same way that Tony often did when he was having a panic attack. It was all too close to home and it broke Steve’s heart. Again. Jesus he was going to need a lot of metaphorical glue to fix all of this crap.

  
“Buck?”

  
Bucky looked up again, eyes wide with hope when he heard his old nickname. “Steve? Please?” Bucky wasn’t sure what he was asking for but Steve didn’t seem to need to be told. He got down onto his knees next to the quaking soldier, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and pulling the smaller man into his chest. It was strange, the conflicting emotions battling in his head, but the way that Bucky relaxed and seemed to melt into the touch was worth it. Memories of Bucky hugging him on those cold Brooklyn nights came flooding back to him, before the serum when Steve had been sick as a dog and dying, Bucky had held him and comforted him. Kept him warm and cared for him. His oldest friend had been raped. And Steve knew what he needed to do.

  
The other Avengers would take a lot of persuading, but perhaps this could work out. A LOT of persuading, but it was doable. One small, painful step at a time. It would probably help if Steve was convinced about all this himself, but he wasn’t.

  
“Steve, I’m a mess.” Bucky whispered, making no attempt to prise himself back out of Steve’s arms. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

  
“Nor do I, but we will. We always do. You should probably get back to Fury or he’ll start to live up to his name again, but I am willing to put some effort into this if you are. Ok?”

  
“Thank you! Thank you so much. You won’t regret this, I will make this up to everyone, I promise.”

  
It was a start. A small one, admittedly, but a start nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it :D


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few time skips to move things along. I have finally made my decision. Bucky has been reformed, he's not still evil. I have mixed feelings about this, so you can decide if you want to carry on or not, but I think this is the route I want to take :) 
> 
> Also I think this story is now coming to an end. One or two chapters left. This story has been incredible to write and your continued support has meant more to me than you will ever know, but I don't want to drag it out for the sake of it, and give you sub-par chapters. I'd rather end on a high. And I have lots of short-ish stories planned, so please subscribe and keep an eye open for them :D

Two months. 8 weeks. 31 meetings.

That was all it took to convince Steve that Bucky was the real deal. His best friend was back, a thought which he quickly dismissed whenever it crossed his mind. Tony was his best friend now, he had been ever since Steve had been defrosted, and it pained Steve every time he realised that he had to remind himself of this fact. Tony was the love of his life, but as before, it was hard to prioritise somehow. Steve could feel himself slipping to how he was before the assaults had been revealed – he was spending more and more time with Bucky again, and although he was there for Tony whenever his partner needed him (every night, waking up with him every morning), Steve could still feel the nagging guilt every time he kissed Tony on the forehead, informing him that he was off for another meeting. Each time he reassured Tony that he would be back soon, but every meeting was lasting longer than the other. It seemed that both super soldiers had a lot to catch up on.

In a way the meetings were like group therapy sessions. Bucky didn’t say too much, he’d never been a man of many words, but what he did say was insightful, intelligent and in a way the philosophical discussions he had with the man reminded him of those he often had with Tony, late at night when neither Avenger could sleep.

Steve literally felt like he was being torn in half. Half of him wanted to spend more time with Bucky, to help put the broken man together, but the other half still wanted little to do with him. At first it was hard for him to even look Bucky in the eyes, especially since the other super soldier refused to look at him as well. Barnes was still a total mess over everything, flinching every time there was a loud noise. He’d even confessed that every night without fail he’d have nightmares about what he had been forced to do, which explained the dark bags that had become a permanent feature under his eyes. Not to mention the fact that he was terrified to go to bed in the first place, frightened that he would wake up as the Winter Soldier again.

The idea of hurting anyone ever again was enough to leave him trembling for hours before bedtime and he’d even taken to taking over forty caffeine tablets a day to try and keep himself awake, but with his heightened metabolism even this and a gallon of coffee a day wasn’t enough to keep him from eventually drifting off.

He’d confided in Steve about the sleeping pills he was taking, admitting that he was embarrassed for being so ‘weak,’ and more than anything he desperately tried to make things better between the two of them. It started off small, him bringing Steve a book that he’d just read in an attempt to stay up. It was about the war, documenting heroes’ untold stories, and Bucky had gifted it to Steve. Then, the next time he had given the other man an origami swan.

Like Tony’s, Bucky’s therapist had persuaded him to get a hobby in order to keep himself calm and replaced, and since Bucky had always been gifted with his hands, crafting had been the obvious choice. Not to mention the fact that he wasn’t allowed any sharp objects, including needles, scissors or crafting scalpels, which left his options fairly limited. Then it had been an origami fox, dragon, crane, dog and even a dinosaur. Steve accepted the gifts awkwardly, placing them in in a drawer in his old bedroom so as not to upset Tony.

It was kind of sweet, but Steve couldn’t help but feel guilty for accepting them.

Despite the awkwardness of most of their conversations, it couldn’t be said that Bucky wasn’t being useful. He’d been answering questions about HYDRA daily, often for over five or six hours a day and Fury was almost wetting himself in excitement over the new Intel. They’d found a minor-league HYDRA base out in Peru, which they’d neutralised and even managed to halt a few of their hair-brained schemes.

All in all things were going as well as they could.

But it wasn’t enough.

Steve knew that if they were really going to get anywhere, they’d have to take the next step with Tony. There was no way that any of them could move on without facing their demons.

Of course, when Steve had suggested this to Bucky the man had gone ghostly pale and swiftly exited their meeting room without uttering a single word. Which was fair enough and understandable, but it didn’t make life any easier.

After hours of careful negotiation and minimal tears, Steve eventually persuaded Bucky to video call Tony one evening. That way neither man would have to be in the same room as the other, meaning that if things did go tits up, nobody would get hurt. Physically at least.

This only left Steve to broach the subject with Tony.

* * *

“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, Steve, I don’t care what you and your buddy do in your spare time, but there’s no fucking way that I am going to go anywhere near the guy! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I’m simply not doing it.”

“That’s the thing Tone, you won’t have to go near him! You’re always talking to me about the wonders of technology, it’ll just be a video call. Ten minutes. Hell, five minutes. I really think that it would help him, y’know. He’s hurting so bad right now Tone, he’s a mess. I don’t think the guy’s slept for longer than two hours at a time since he came back to himself.” Steve pulled out his best set of puppy dog eyes, looking at Tony imploringly. He wanted nothing more than for his lover to be able to put this behind him, and that was never going to happen unless he confronted his fears. Not to mention the fact that it would give him and Bucky closure.

“I don’t give a fuck about what he needs, Steve.” Tony said coldly, “I’ve been more than understanding about you wanting to spend time with him, but you can’t expect any more from me. I’ve given you all that I have.”

“Please, just five minutes?”

“Go fuck yourself.” Tony snapped, grabbing his mug of cold coffee before striding out of the room, shooting a glare at Steve than genuinely made the super soldier fearful of spontaneously combusting.

“Tony, please just give him a chance. You have me and all the other Avengers, Buck is alone in all of this. He needs help and I can’t give him what he needs alone.”

“Go.” Tony barked, his tone promising imminent bodily harm if Steve didn’t leave the vicinity at immediately. Or, like, yesterday.

“Tony, I’m not going to leave you like this. You need to calm down, remember those techniques that you were going through with your councillor? I know it sounds like I’m asking a lot from you, but I promise if you just try this one video call and it doesn’t work out, I’ll never see Bucky again, and I’ll never mention him to you for as long as I live.” Steve’s eyes were wide and earnest, but Tony wasn’t having any of his crap.

“Y’know what, why don’t you just go to him now and never see me again, if you want to choose him over me then that’s fucking fine, but don’t think that I’ll let you drag me down with you, not even for one moment.” Tony snarled, his face beet-red with anger as he wrung his hands and angrily began to pace. “I know what you want, Steve. Why don’t you go back to your best buddy and let him fuck you, bet you’ve been gagging with him. Want to be with him instead of with your stupid, broken boyfriend who can’t even get it up or fuck you like he used to. Well whatever. Go on, I’m sure you have an important ‘meeting to go to,’ if that’s what the kids call it these days.” Tony was manic now, rage coursing through him like it never had before.

He knew that Bucky and Steve were getting on better, Steve had told him about their meetings and things were sounding positive, but it seemed like Tony’s worst fears had been confirmed. Late into the night he’d been consumed by grief, guilt and fear, terrified that Steve would choose Bucky over him again. And it looked like he had. He was still grief-stricken about the attacks, guilty for constantly resenting Steve for the seemingly innocent meetings (knowing that he was unfair for even thinking that Steve might cheat on him), and scared that despite all appearances, things would happen again.

It looked like he had every right to be worried.

“Tony, no. You know that none of that’s true. You’re just in a bad state of mind, baby, please?”

“WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT NOT FUCKING CALLING ME THAT!” Tony bellowed, storming past Steve and shoving him aside with all of his might when Steve tried to block his exit from the room.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Tone. I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, you were thinking. But of yourself, not me, you selfish prick. Now fuck off, I don’t want to even look at you right now.”

Steve left with his head hung like a cowed dog, shooting one last pleading look at Tony before he shut the door behind him.

Tony spent two hours crying in the shower scrubbing himself raw, scratching at himself with a rough washcloth until he was bleeding. So much for his ‘progress.’

* * *

 

Another two weeks passed, with Tony staying at Pepper’s in order to recuperate and catch up on paperwork (aka avoid Steve at all costs) and Steve alternating between punching the shit out of things at the gym, working whatever minor cases he could and doing some paperwork of his own. He hadn’t had the heart to go and visit Bucky, although he did stay up and chat to him on the phone for a few hours when the super soldier had called him mid-breakdown, sobbing that he was afraid and alone, and that he couldn’t cope with Steve leaving him right now.

The words rock and hard place sprung to mind.

* * *

When Tony finally came back he immediately fell into Steve’s arms, grateful beyond belief to find his boyfriend in the gym, and not away with Bucky. The whole time he’d been at Pepper’s he’d been terrified that Steve had eloped with the other man and as soon as he looked into his eyes, Tony knew that Steve wouldn’t leave him. The look of pure love and adoration, not to mention relief, made it clear that Steve had no interest in anybody else.

“Tony? Are you ok? I’m so sorry, I was an asshole, I should never have pressured you into anything, I’m so, so sorry!” Tony just nodded. He was way too tired to argue anymore and to be honest, there was something eminently appealing about the idea of just melting into Steve’s embrace and never letting go for at least a week.

He just wanted someone to hold him. And by someone he meant Steve and Steve alone.

That night they cuddled in bed together and it wasn’t until the next morning that Tony made his decision.

“I’m ready to talk to him.”

* * *

All things said and done, the video call didn’t go too terribly. On a scale off one to ten on the ‘Everything was great – Nuclear war’ scale, the meeting ended on a solid 6.5. So all in all, it could have gone worse.

The video call had mainly consisted of Bucky bursting into tears at the mere sight of Tony, and Tony running his hands anxiously through his hair and glancing around his room as if he expected someone to attack him from behind, or for Bucky to step through the tablet screen and take him down.

Steve had held his hand the entire way through the call, and by the end of it Tony had plummeted into a major panic attack, but he had accepted that Bucky was the real deal this time. There was no way that anybody could fake such strong emotion and it was clear that everything was tearing him up from the inside. Tony couldn’t help but feel sorry for the guy, he looked as bad as Tony felt, although he was very vocal about how grateful he was for Tony not killing him, and for being so forgiving. Not that he felt he deserved it, but Tony had his own self-esteem issues to tackle without taking on Bucky’s as well.

They even agreed to video call bi-weekly.

* * *

It was a strange relationship, to put it lightly.

Bucky and Tony had been video-calling each other once every other week, usually after their corresponding therapy sessions, and during each call they went over some topics that their therapists recommended they talk about. Their emotions, how they were coping, memories (although Tony never said much on this topic) and how they planned to make changes in the future in order to heal.

It was difficult, with both men terrified of the other, for their own reasons, and both of them resistant to the idea of getting close to each other. Neither of them wanted to expose themselves to more pain, but at the same time neither of them could get over their mental anguish without confronting their fears.

* * *

After six months, they agreed to meet face to face for the first time.

* * *

“Um, hi.” Bucky ran his metal hand through his hair, biting the inside of his cheek as he extended his flesh hand towards Tony, offering to shake it. Tony withdrew back a few paces, heart pounding as an image of Bucky lunging towards him sprang to the forefront of his mind. After closing his eyes for a few moments and counting to ten, Tony gave a small nod and the merest hint of a smile. Bucky withdrew his hand apologetically. “Sorry. I don’t know what-”

His chocolate brown eyes were so filled with sorrow, and looked at Tony so imploringly that even Steve’s best puppy dog eyes were put to shame.

“Me neither.” Tony looked around awkwardly before inviting Bucky across the lobby and towards the communal lounge. Steve was just five paces away from him the whole time, muscles tense as he watched the exchange with bated breath.

“Thank you.” Bucky said, voice barely above a whisper as he accepted the seat that Tony motioned him to sit on. “I, it’s strange, being here. I remember some things so clearly, what I-he did, but all of this-the room, it’s like a distant memory. Everything is hazy, like a vague recollection of a dream. I-” Bucky looked around, taking in the ornate furnishings and the TV screen that probably cost more money than he had ever owned in his entire life.

He was looking at anything but Tony.

Tony was looking at anything but Bucky, so two could play at that game.

“I was thinking we could order takeout. Bucky says he hasn’t tried Chinese yet.” Steve tried to break the awkward silence, tension settling over the room as all three men pondered what to say or do next. This was unprecedented.

In the end the men ended up chatting about everything but what had happened – the wonders of modern technology, the weather and so on. It was nice, apart from the fact that Tony flinched every time Bucky moved.

But hey, things would get easier with time.

* * *

It was the twelfth time that Bucky had visited Tony and Steve in the tower, each time when the other Avengers were out on various training days. Of course, they knew what was going on and none of them were happy about it, but they didn’t say anything. Perhaps there was something to be said for immersion therapy, because the more time Tony spent with Bucky, the less scared he was of the other man. Of course he was still jumpy around the other man, a loud noise enough to send him careening into a panic attack, but things were better.

“A coffee would be great, thanks.” Bucky responded when Tony asked if he wanted anything.

“I meant something like a new TV for your room or something, or some new crafting stuff. Who do you think I am, your teaboy! You know where the kitchen is, go make your own coffee.” Tony half-joked, curling himself up in Steve’s arms on the sofa as he spooned a scoopful of ice cream into his mouth. They had agreed on a movie night since neither Steve nor Bucky had seen any of the Harry Potter films, which Tony had emphatically informed them was pretty much criminal.

“I know but-”

“Relax, there’s nobody else here. Go on, and grab me an espresso while you’re at it.”

“Fine, do you want anything Ste?”

“No thanks, I’m good.”

Bucky nodded, wandering out of the room with his arms tucked right against his sides, a visual representation of how uncomfortable he was here. It was still difficult for him to be in the tower, and he never ventured further than the communal lounge – why would he? This was the first time he had walked these corridors whilst in possession of his own mind.

With every step Bucky’s will almost faltered, his brain begging him to run away whilst he could, but rationally he knew that if anybody had the right to feel scared right now, it wasn’t him.

He watched the boiling kettle whistle and hum, body tense as he looked around the kitchen. Now that he came to think of it, he was starving. The joys of being a super soldier with a ridiculous metabolism, you’re always hungry. After a moment’s hesitation he opened the fridge and took out some cucumber and cheese, buttering some bread before taking a kitchen knife and slicing the cucumber before beginning on the cheddar. He’d never been able to afford cheese during the war, so this was pretty much a delicacy to him.

And besides, Tony had told him to make himself at home in the tower.

Barnes tensed when he heard somebody behind him. “Steve? Did you want a coffee after all? Oh-“

Bucky gasped in shock when he saw Hawkeye in front of him, spinning round with his knife in hand, eyes widening in fear.

Before he knew what was happening, Clint had grabbed him by the throat and twisted the knife out of his hand. The element of surprise was enough to knock Bucky off of his guard, not to mention the fact that he wouldn’t fight for himself even if he had to. He’d vowed to himself that he’d never hurt anyone again.

“What the fuck are you doing in here with a weapon?!” Clint snarled, face twisted in a bitter grimace as he held the knife to Bucky’s throat.

“No, please! It’s not what it looks like, I’m just making a-”

Clint pushed Bucky against the counter, cutting Bucky off as the kettle clicked, announcing that the water had boiled.

“Please!”

Clint punched Bucky square in the jaw. “That’s for Tony you piece of shit. He might be willing to forgive you for what you did, but I never will. I saw what you did to him, I was there on that island and I fail to believe that at least some small part of it wasn’t you.”

“No, please. I swear, I promise, I never wanted to, I never-”

“Bullshit.”

Clint drew his hand back, knife gripped firmly in his grasp as he made to drive the blade into Bucky’s good shoulder. He had no intention of killing the super soldier, Fury would flay his ass if he did that, but he at least wanted to ensure that he would hesitate before making a move on the Avengers. A precaution, if you like.

“Clint, back off.” Clint turned around to see Tony, his face set in a grim expression as he stepped forward, crossing the kitchen in three confident strides and grabbing the knife from Clint.

“Hey, it was self-defence, he’s dangerous!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Tony snapped. The genius had come to check on Bucky, the super soldier having been gone a while, and he was not at all impressed with what he found. “I’d appreciate it if you take your misplaced anger elsewhere, I’ll talk to you later.” Tony said, not even bothering to watch Clint as he strode back out of the kitchen.

“Sorry about him. He’s just overprotective.”

“I should go. I don’t belong here. I-I need to go.” Bucky croaked, a single tear rolling down his cheek as he followed Clint out of the room and back out of the tower. How had he even thought that things could perhaps go back to normal? He was a monster, and he deserved to be treated like one.

* * *

For once in his life, Tony had no idea what to do.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you enjoyed the chapter <3 Love you all and hope that you've all had a great week :3 I might edit this chapter a little later, but I'm too tired to go through it right now, so please forgive me for any mistakes :D


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the end of the road has finally come :O 
> 
> Thank you all so, so, so, so, so much for your support during this story. It has meant the world to me and you have all been incredible. Seriously, I love you all to the moon and back. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out of your day to read this.
> 
> I hope that you enjoy the last chapter, have some fluff to make up for the angst I have put you through, I did promise a happy ending <3

As with all of these things, life moved on.

Tony spent the rest of the evening curled up with Steve, who over recent weeks had been more physically affectionate than he had ever been before, even during the peak of their relationship. Usually he was pretty straight laced, bought up with forties morals and values. It was a major thing for him to even come out as gay, after being repressed for the majority of his past life, and even then he was wary of displaying his affection towards Tony in fear of being rejected. It had taken him over five months of going steady before he held Tony’s hand in public, and when he finally did he spent the entire time glancing around him waiting for some homophobe to spew filth at them, or worse.

Not that he couldn’t take anyone on, if anybody was stupid enough to start a fist fight with Captain America, but that wasn’t exactly the point.

Not to mention the fact that it had taken him over four months of pining to ask Tony out. He hadn’t even been sure if the guy was even gay, he’d previously been with Pepper after all, not to mention his reputation for seducing numerous Playboy bunnies, often multiple at a time.

It wasn’t until Tony was very publically outed by the media (and what a fiasco that was) that he realised the truth. He wasn’t alone, and perhaps the man that he had been fawning over could feel the same way towards him. Of course, things were awkward at first, what with paparazzi photographs of Tony being very publically fucked storming the media, (he’d been bored as hell at a gala, who could blame him?), but they made it work.

All of that was now a thing of the past and Steve was well and truly over his old qualms. His hands were constantly straying towards Tony, as if he was trying to reassure himself that his partner was still there, and he often reached out for Tony’s hand, cradling it in his much larger one as if trying to hold onto him and physically stop him from pulling away. Especially at night. Before the rapes, Tony had always been the one who clung to Steve in bed, as previously described ‘like a limpet with attachment issues,’ but now it was Steve who acted like a clingy teenager during his first proper romance. Not that Tony minded, it was sweet. And besides, it made Tony feel wanted and grounded, reassured him that Steve didn’t see him as disgusting or as damaged goods.

Which is why both men were perfectly happy to spend the evening snuggling and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

* * *

Tony stirred early the next morning, curled up on his side with his legs intertwined with Steve’s. Steve had both of his arms wrapped around Tony’s shoulders and he had pulled Tony into his chest during the night, which explained why Tony woke with his face buried in Steve’s, frankly perfect, pecks. Once again Tony found himself wondering if Steve was actually carved from marble by the gods, considering how flawless he was.

He continued to lay in Steve’s grip for another hour until eventually the need to go to the bathroom grew too great to ignore. He carefully extricated himself from Steve’s hold, smirking at how Steve whined at the loss of their proximity as he made his way into the en-suite. Singing to himself softly under the comforting flow of the water trailing down his back, Tony began to methodically clean himself. His therapist had gone on about Tony learning to accept the changes to his body, and to become accustomed to the new markings if he was to move on from the trauma.

She’d suggested that he looked in the mirror each morning, and as often as he could, so that he could come to terms with what had happened to him. Of course, this was easier said than done. Every time he looked at Steve’s perfect form, Tony couldn’t help the rush of inadequacy that flooded over him. Steve never scarred, was always in peak condition, but Tony’s body was littered with scars and faults. A few of the cuts on his hip had turned into thick keloid scars, along with the angry red lines that littered his wrist and arm, the bullet wound in his shoulder and the tattooed freckles that were dotted across his thighs. He still didn’t like to look at the raised scar tissue where the birthmark tattoo had been, but it was getting easier over time.

Tony was healing, and coming to terms with things, but it really wasn’t easy. The only consolation was that he had booked in with a local tattoo artist upstate. She specialised in tattooing abuse and rape victims who were often wary of exposing themselves to a tattoo artist, women who had been through mastectomies and in covering the scars of those who self-harmed.

Tony fell into more of those categories than he ever would have thought possible, but now he had the relief of knowing that the scar on his hip would soon be a thing of the past. He’d already had two meetings with the tattoo artist, so that she could put him at ease and get to know him first, and she reassured him that she would keep all touching to a minimum. As a rape survivor herself, she understood that it was terrifying to expose yourself and lay down in front of a stranger.

As soon as the tissue had healed enough to be safe to work on, she was going to turn the scar on his hip into a beautiful tattoo of mechanical cogs, a reminder of something Jarvis had once told Tony as a child, when Howard had nearly broken Tony’s jaw by punching him in his workshop. “If just one cog in a machine breaks, the whole mechanism is broken. Stay strong. Keep going, for no matter how small of a part you play, you are indispensable.” It was a quote that had resonated with Tony, often reminding him that he was not worthless, and that he was part of something greater. He was part of a team, a team of goddamned superheroes who saved the world, and he was indispensable. No matter what Howard had said, he had a purpose. Now more than ever, Tony needed to be reminded of that, and this tattoo would be a great step in the right direction.

Perhaps, if he could go through with it, he would even start thinking about getting something to cover the slices down his arms, but that was something to face another day.

He’d simply get the tattooed freckles removed at a later date.

* * *

By the time Tony came out of the shower and towel dried his hair, Steve had woken and made them both some coffee.

“Morning Tone, I come bearing coffee.”

“You, Steve, are an angel.” Tony made grabby hands for his coffee and Steve smirked at him before handing over the steaming mug, the coffee inside dark and rich, just how Tony liked it.

“You look like you’ve been thinking too hard again, Tone, is everything alright?” Steve perched on the sofa next to Tony, massaging his neck tenderly until Tony relaxed into his hold. If Tony could have purred, he would have done.

“I’m fine, was just thinking about my tattoo, I’m looking forward to getting it.” Steve nodded, smiling. “It’ll be beautiful, I’m sure. Although I still think that you are perfect just the way that you are.”

“You’re such a sap.” Tony teased, taking a deep swig of his coffee before murmuring “perfection,” under his breath.

“I know you are. You are my beautiful, perfect boyfriend and I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

“Oh god please stop before I puke. I’d hate for this beautiful coffee to go to waste.” Tony shoved Steve lightly in the side before snuggling into him again.

“What are your plans for the day? Do you fancy dinner tonight?” The genius asked, finishing off his coffee before making his way to his wardrobe and grabbing some of his ‘comfy clothes.’ Aka a tank top and some baggy pants.

“Sure, sounds great, I’ve got some meetings and paperwork to tackle, so that’ll be something nice to look forward to. There’s that new Mediterranean place that you told me about a while back, if you fancy it?”

“Brilliant. It’s a date.” Tony blew Steve a kiss across the room.

“So what are you going to be up to without me?”

“I’ve got a mountain of work to catch up on, serves me right for taking so much time off I guess, but I’d better get back on top of it before Fury kicks my ass.” Steve chuckled at that, knowing damn well that Fury would let Tony get away with never doing paperwork again right now. He was beyond thrilled with the progress that Tony had helped Bucky make, and they now knew more than ever about HYDRA. He treated Tony like the sun shone out of his ass, a fact which Tony was lording over him at every available opportunity.

Truth be told, Tony was beginning to feel pretty stressed again, which strangely was a good thing. At first his mind had been so wrapped up in grief and anger at his situation, not to mention the crippling spates of depression and anxiety, that he couldn’t even spare a moment’s thought to his work. However, now his mind was beginning to rattle with equations to be solved, blueprints to jot down and updates to carry out, rather than images of Bucky raping him and constant reminders of his fear and trauma. Between Pepper, SI, Fury, Coulson, The Avengers and SHIELD, not to mention his own private projects (such as upgrading Dummy so that he would have more co-ordination to play catch with), Tony’s to-do-list was over three pages long and it needed to be addressed.

It was refreshing to have something to do, and to pass his time with. If anything was going to make Tony feel like things were back to normal, it would be all-night marathons of work in his lab, fuelled by coffee and a need to solve the unsolvable. A need to make things perfect again.

“As long as you don’t work yourself into the ground. If I come back and find you in the same spot at your desk in ten hours’ time I won’t be impressed.” Steve half-joked, although Tony could tell from his tone that his boyfriend was worried that he’d work himself half to death again.

“I won’t, I promise. Besides, I’ll have to have a break, I’m meant to be meeting Bucky for lunch later at that café a few blocks away.”

“I’ll let you off then. Seya later Tony, love you.” Steve kissed Tony on the cheek before leaving the room to get on with the first boring meeting of the day. Oh joy.

“Love you more.” Tony whispered to the closed door as he began to get dressed.

* * *

After an hour sitting in the café alone, after their meeting time, Tony came to the conclusion that Bucky wasn’t going to show. He’d tried to video call him the previous night, to see if he was ok after walking out of the tower, but he’d had no reply. He’d decided to let Bucky spend some time on his own to think things through, as the super soldier was often easily overwhelmed, but now Tony knew that he had to take action. Bucky was never late for meetings, ever, as he felt he owed it to Tony to make his life as easy as possible. Which included not cancelling on him, being late or an inconvenience of any kind.

Of course Tony kept telling him that Bucky didn’t owe him anything, as much as he didn’t owe Bucky anything, but the soldier wouldn’t let it slide.

Draining the last of his coffee, Tony got to his feet and got into his supercar, making his way to SHIELD HQ, where he assumed Bucky was. It wasn’t as if the man had anywhere else to go, what with being displaced in the wrong century.

Bucky was alone in the world, and Tony wanted to make the man’s life easier in whatever way possible, just like he had done for Steve. Especially considering how traumatised the guy was.

* * *

“C’mon Buck, open up!” Tony knocked on Bucky’s metal door even louder than before, having asked for directions to his room from a terrified looking SHIELD trainee. When there was no response he pounded even harder until eventually a resigned call echoed out from behind the closed door. “Ok, ok, I’m coming.”

With that the door opened to reveal Bucky. The poor man looked dreadful, with dark bags under his eyes. His usual eye-makeup was smudged and his eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. It looked as though he had stayed up all night crying, which to be honest, he probably had.

“Jesus, Buck, why didn’t you answer my calls? I was worried about you.” Tony gently pressed a palm onto Bucky’s shoulder comfortingly, worried by the violent trembling he could feel beneath his hand.

“Sorry. I just-I can’t keep doing this Tony. I know that I owe it to you to make things better, to make amends for all the awful things that I have done, but I just can’t. I can’t do it anymore. Every time I step foot into the tower my insides feel like they are on fire, everything aches and I constantly feel sick to my stomach. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is you. The therapy isn’t helping. I need to get away.” Bucky ran a hand through his hair, clearly distressed and still not letting Tony into his room. He remained stood in the doorway, his shoulders hunched and a visual representation of how weary and downtrodden he was.

“I just want all of this to stop. I’m sorry. I’m weak and a failure, you deserve better, you and Steve. You deserve a better friend to help you through this. I’m sorry that I ever came back, I’m sorry that I still exist. I wish-I wish I was dead. That HYDRA had never bought me back. Then none of this would ever have happened and you and Steve would be happy. I know that I should stay to help SHIELD, that I owe it to Fury, he’s given me a home, a place to stay after all, but I can’t keep going over what happened with him and the therapists. It’s torture. And the nightmares. I can’t.” Tears made their way down Bucky’s cheeks and Tony felt his heart breaking a little more for the man. “I know the Avengers will never accept me, and I understand, but please don’t make me go back there. I can’t face them again.”

“God, Bucky, I’d never force you to come back. If you aren’t comfortable with going back to the tower, you don’t have to. You should have said. You’re a victim in all this too, I understand. Please let me in so that we can talk in private. Besides, this corridor is freezing.”

Bucky looked uncomfortable but nodded, moving aside so that Tony could enter his room. The genius let out a sharp intake of breath when he saw the conditions that Bucky was being forced to live in. The room was sparse to say the least, comprised of whitewashed walls, a dull grey, concrete floor and a wardrobe which resembled a steel locker more than anything else. There wasn’t a single personal item in the room, not a single ounce of colour besides the small pile of origami paper. The solitary window was small and the strip lighting clinical, like that found in the Quinjet’s medical bay.

The only thing visible apart from the paper was Bucky’s only pair of shoes and a jacket, both of which were black. No wonder the guy was depressed and struggling. Yes all of the other members of SHIELD lived in similar bunkers, but they were personalised with family photographs, colourful rugs and lamps, flowers in some cases along with bright bedding and posters of various rock stars. Even a few Iron Man posters, which Tony had noted smugly one night many years ago when he’d had a foursome with three particularly eager SHIELD trainees.

That had been a night to remember.

What was the most concerning was the open suitcase lying on the white bedding, and metal bed frame. It contained all of Bucky’s clothes, obsessively folded. Old soldier habits clearly died hard because Steve organised his clothes in an equally clinical way.

“Bucky, you need to get out of here. Let me set you up a bank account, buy you some place to call your own. You are never going to find peace here, being harassed by SHIELD every waking moment. A nice property, wherever you like. Anywhere in the world. I’ll give you enough money to survive on. It’s the least I can do.”

“I can’t accept that Tony, it’s too much! I know it wasn’t my fault, what happened, I guess, but I can’t keep expecting you to keep an eye on my ass for me, and saving it time and time again. You’ve already saved my life Tony, back in that house, you stopped Steve from killing me and I appreciate it, but I really cannot accept any more from you.”

“Ah, but it is such a pretty ass to save,” Tony sassed. He still relied on his rubbish sense of humour to fill awkward silences and social situations, but hey, he couldn’t work on improving all of his flaws at once.

“Damn straight it is. But I’m serious, I can’t.”

“You can and you will. I have enough money to buy you a hundred private islands, I hardly think a house abroad is going to make a hole in my pocket. You deserve a break, Bucky, a new life. This is your second chance, please, even if it’s for me, grab it and run with it. I want you to be happy, you deserve it.”

After a few more weak protests Bucky finally gave in, spending four hours on the internet with Tony looking at properties on the market. In the end he came across a two bedroom detached house in Hawaii, and after a couple of phone calls to various airports, banks and housing associations, everything was settled down to the last email confirmation.

“Congrats Bucky, it looks like you are moving to Hawaii tonight.”

The benefits of being Tony Stark, you could do just about anything with a dash of charisma, casual flirting, charm, money and will-power. Not to mention contacts in all the right places.

“I don’t know what to say.” Bucky whispered, staring at his online banking page at the thousands of dollars that Tony had transferred into a new account for him.

“How about thank you, that tends to do the trick in most situation.”

“Thank you.”

Bucky stared, shell-shocked into silence, at his screen for a few minutes before speaking again. “Are you sure about the money? I mean, you don’t have to give that to me, I don’t-”

“Shut up before you force me to slap you. If you say you don’t deserve happiness one more time I will not be responsible for my actions. And besides, you are going to have to buy some stuff for your new house. I know it comes fully furnished, but it’s all about the personal touches. Get some rugs and cushions and shit, some of the stuff that pepper always bangs on about. Make your house a home and all that. Get a sign saying ‘Live, laugh, love,’ or some other bullshit like that.” Bucky downright laughed at that.

“You’ve given me thousands of dollars to buy some cushions and throws?”  
“And a new wardrobe, seriously the leather buckles and chain look really isn’t in keeping with Hawaii vibes. Get some funky pink shirts or something, the ones with palm leaves on them.” Now there was a mental image to laugh at.

“Ah, that’s ok then. Thousands of dollars’ worth of garish shirts and soft furnishings.”

“Just shut up and take it!” Tony laughed, knowing that this was the least he could do. He had his whole life ahead of him, a life surrounded by his friends and Steve. Perhaps one day they could start a family, and without this helping hand, Bucky would never have a chance of doing the same thing. “And don’t worry, nobody will know where you are, unless you want them to. I’ll tell Steve, of course, and we’ll come and visit if you like, but you have a life now Barnes. You are free, go live your American Dream or something. I dunno, set up an Alpaca farm, or start a business making jam. Just go and be free.” Tony wrapped his arms around the super soldier, hugging him for the first time, surprising both himself and Bucky. It was strange, being able to smell the familiar scent of Bucky’s hair, his skin and surprisingly enough, it didn’t make Tony’s stomach lurch with fear like he expected it to.

“Thank you Tony, it means the world to me.”

The two men lapsed into silence while Tony sent a few more emails, Bucky fiddling with a piece of origami paper to pass the time until he eventually broke the silence. “Tony, do you ever think that we will ever be ok? Really ok, I mean.”

“Yes. I truly do.” Tony said, a soft smile spreading across his face as he considered his future with Steve. Yes it would likely be full of violence, Doombot attacks and villains-of-the-weeks, but in terms of his personal life, yes, Tony thought he would get there. And now that Bucky had his ticket out, he too would find solace.

“Yes. Of course you will, you have Steve after all. I wish you both all the best.”

“You too Buck.”

They remained in a tight embrace for half an hour, revelling in comfortable silence before Tony took his leave, wishing Bucky luck and letting him know that if he ever needed anything, anything at all, he could call.

“I hope that you find what you are looking for, Barnes.”

“You too, Tony.”

“I’ve already found it.” Tony said, closing the door behind him as he left the room, ending another chapter of his life once and for all.

* * *

Bucky lay in bed for the rest of the day with his arms crossed behind his bed, daydreaming about all of the things he could do with his life now that there was no war to be consigned to, no battles to be fought for his enemy, and nothing to hold him down. It was terrifying, but also liberating. Although one thing was for sure, Bucky had no intention of starting up a career in Alpaca farming, those things were creepy with their ridiculously large eyes.

* * *

Tony lay panting on stop of Steve, sprawled out across his chest like a cat as he came down from his post-orgasmic bliss. It was the first time that he’d had an erection since his last rape, and he couldn’t have been happier when he woke up with morning wood.

He’d excitedly woken Steve up and after a moment of baffled confusion, Steve had got with the program and passionately kissed Tony with all of his might. Steve had spent over two hours taking Tony apart, kissing each and every one of his scars, massaging him into a pile of boneless limbs and lust until eventually, after making his boyfriend come from a spectacular blowjob (if he did say so himself), he coaxed Tony back into hardness. After that, Tony had fucked Steve so hard that he saw stars, hammering his prostate relentlessly to make up for months of pent up lust and sexual frustrating. All of their longing and desire culminating to that single moment and after a particularly heavenly thrust both men orgasmed harder than they ever had in their life.

Which is why they were now both tangled, sweating and clinging to each other like their lives depended on it.

“God Tony, I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Tony whispered, knowing that no matter what, nothing could ever take that knowledge away from him.

* * *

A few months later a postcard arrived at the tower, one of the ones where you could place in your own photograph on the front. The picture in question showed a selfie of Bucky wearing a frankly hideous, neon pink shirt dotted with pastel green and lilac palm leaves. There was a multi-coloured floral lei hanging around his neck and if Tony wasn’t mistaken, which he wasn’t, the super soldier was wearing a hula skirt. The man was standing on the beach with a cocktail in one hand, hugging a stunning blonde who was giggling in front of the camera as they took their selfie.

He looked happy and the realisation that Bucky had found peace made Tony beam. It looked like Barnes was almost as happy as Steve and Tony were.

Steve peered over Tony to catch a glimpse of the postcard, resting his chin on his fiancé’s shoulder as he smiled at the photograph of his friend clearly enjoying his new life. What really made the soldier grin though, was the glint of gold he saw when Tony’s engagement ring glistened as he held the postcard for them both to see.

Steve had finally worked up the courage to pop the question, announcing his undying love for his genius and promising to protect him for the rest of their lives.

Tony had said yes, of course.

* * *

Now, obviously this isn’t a fairy tale and things didn’t completely end happily ever after.

It never would when the Avengers were involved. Tony still had panic attacks and nightmares, Steve still woke up crying from flashbacks of his partner being raped, but they fought through it, content in the knowledge that no matter what, they had each other.

And they always would.

  
**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peace out!
> 
> Love you all, please let me know what you thought for the last time <3


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